My goals

Having anxiety, or at least for me, it makes me think ahead and overthink every single thing. For instance… I typically meal plan for a month at a time. I will know what I am going to cook tomorrow and next thursday because I plan out dinners and make out a list and buy everything that is needed for those dinners at one time. I know… It is a little crazy.

So with that being said….. I like to list out my goals, my bills…upcoming events… pretty much everything. I have liss for pretty much everything. I know how much my bills are this month….next month.. how much money is going towards bills out of the next paycheck.

So what are my goals….long term…short term.

Short term goals is always to make sure all of the bills get paid. I grew up with a single mom…sometimes she didn’t have the money to pay every single bill every single month so sometimes we didn’t have water or we didn’t have lights or we went without food. It is not something that I want my kids to ever experience. It was a rough time.

My long term goals…those are a little more complex and they don’t just include me. I want my crafting business to get up and running to the point that it is making me a stable income. I also want to get my sewing better. To the point that I can make wrestling gear into a viable income. I also want to get my photography skills in tip top shape to the point that I am hired to shoot wrestling events as well as promotional shots. I want to get my husbands wrestling career up and running. I want to do whatever I can and whatever it takes to ensure that he can focus on wrestling. If I could turn all of my hobbies and talents to income then maybe he wouldn’t have to work 60 hours a week and could in turn start training more than 2 days a week. I want to help my mom lose weight and get her arthritis and degenerating joints and disks under control so that she can be more active and her movement will be less painful.

I know things don’t happen over night….although I wish they were. I do however believe that if I work so very hard at it….I can make them a reality.

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Change the end

 

You can’t change the beginning of a story… But you can change the end

I had a rough childhood. Not as rough as some and my brothers like to think that I had it easy because I was spoiled. I have explained to so many people that my spoiled was completely different than normal. I grew up on food stamps. Once a month, I would be able to get whatever cereal and name brand drinks. My brothers had to do odd jobs like raking leaves to help pay the bills. I didn’t because I was under 10 years old. I did however have to do my oldest brothers chores beacuse he was a douche who like to bully his younger siblings. I also had to do his long division homework when I was in the third grade because he just didn’t want to do it. I had to write his essays or spell check his homework. But both my brothers left home by the time they were 16-17. I didn’t. In fact, my mom has been a constant part of my life. We have been homeless in an abandoned house together.

I cannot change any of that. I wish I could. I wish I could have changed things so my mom wouldn’t feel the way she did when she couldn’t provide for us the way she had hoped. But I can’t.

I can, however, change my now. Change the end. And change where I am going.

You cannot change how you were raised. Where you were raised. How things were in the past. But don’t let that stop you from changing where you are going. If you’re not happy with how things are right now. You have the power to change it. You may not have the financial means to significantly change things. But you can change your outlook. You can change the way you see things. You can work on having a better attitude. Instead of waking up with the I don’t wanna work attitude or just a bad attitude in general. You can wake up and set a happy goal for the day. You can wake up and do something that makes you happy before having to go to work. For instance, when I worked at a call center. I used to love the job until the director left and we got a new one who was not the best person in the world. She always seemed to not like me and it made me resent my job. I would be upset every day I had to work. I would take any opportunity to leave early that was offered. However, the days where I got up extra early and was able to go get a frozen mocha. The caffeine and sugar delicious would make me feel a little better. I would blast some music on the way to work and I would start the day off in a good mood.

I don’t like my weight and I haven’t for a very long time. I was in a car accident when I was pregnant with my second child. This put a lot of pain on my body and I was practically on bedrest the whole pregnancy. I gained a lot of weight and it has been very hard to get rid of it. I cannot change the fact that I was on bed rest. I cannot change the fact that I gained a lot of weight during my last pregnancy. But what I can change….is today…tomorrow….next week. By eating right. Eating more veggies. Watching what I eat. And going to the gym. My husband and I have decided that going to the gym twice a week is a great start. Going slow. I have bad ankles and a bad knee from injuries from when I was younger. my hips and back are messed up from the wreck. Therefore, slow and steady wins the race. I can slowly build up the muscles in these areas so that I can gradually build up my endurance and then I can start losing weight….the right way. I can change the end of my story. And I choose to start today. Are you ready to change your story?

Work and anxiety

 

Okay so I have been looking for a job from home for a few months and ironically last month I got one. I was so shocked and excited. It felt like the miracle that we need. I started getting a little anxious because it would be a change for my kids since for the past 2 and a half years they have been use to mommy being there the entire time.

But this anxiety did not outweigh the need that I need to provide some type of financial input in my family because not doing so makes me even more anxious. The girls will still have me in the morning and their daddy in the evening. I figured we would and could figure this all out.

So training was supposed to start last week. I got thru day one and was annoyed because a lot of the other people in training were not able to get find what they needed and it took four hours to learn how to clock in. So that kind of annoyed me. But I am an inpatient person. But I was fine. I was excited to be working again. I was even more excited that I was able to do so at home.

So the second day comes and my karma for being annoyed in the first day and now I have internet issues. It completely shuts down and shuts me out of training. It took me an hour to get it back running and then I couldn’t get back into training because the time frame to access it….was over. So then the teacher calls and she’s not happy with me. And then she makes sure to tell me it was a one time courtesy that my training would be rescheduled for this week.

Fine. That is just fine. I got paid for the two days that I tried and everything. Alright. So now I had the whole weekend to get geared up for training to start again. Got the computer up the headsets up. Tested my internet speeds a million times. Everything is good. Comes time for the meeting to start. I can get in and see everyone there.

But.

I cannot connect to the audio for anything. I literally spent 2 hours on the phone with the technical department and they could not see why it would not do anything. My head set was working. My computer was acknowledging the headset but the Webinar was not allowing me to connect.

So.

My instructor blamed my computer or my headset. I tried both usb headsets that I own and they both work but still couldn’t connect. So she calls me and tells me as a courtesy I can rejoin again tomorrow. But I should take my computer to the shop and get it looked at. That it was my fault.

So she clocks me out for the day

And I feel like a complete failure.

And I am so going to get fired because for some awful reason I cannot seem to be able to get thru training.

I thought this was my miracle.

I thought this was going to be good.

I thought this was going to save me from actually working with people in retail so that I won’t be so dang anxious all the time.

I guess I was wrong.