Hide our feelings

When you are diagnosed with anxiety at an early age, especially in your teenage years, it can be a difficult thing to deal with. Especially with those around you, some of who don’t quite understand the messy thoughts that run through your head.

So when you live in a world where having a mental illness or any type of mental health problem is surrounded in stigma. Surrounded by this dark cloud that hangs over us. Like we’re something to be feared.

So what do we do? We try so hard to hide our feelings. To hide our anxiety. To hide what is causing these things. By staying quiet about them. By pretending that everything is okay. That we are alright. That there is nothing wrong.

However, we often forget that our eyes say way more than our words ever could. For instance, this past November I went to a wrestling convention. It’s kind of like a comic con but with a bunch of wrestling. I usually go with my husband by my side.

Except…..he wasn’t by my side. Instead. he was working the event. So there I was standing alone in line, surrounded by a lot of people I didn’t know. My anxiety grew so big I was ready to bolt. To run. But I knew doing so would tip my husband off to what was wrong and he wouldn’t be able to concentrate on the job that he was doing. So I pretended.

But that didn’t work. One look in my eyes, even from across the room, my husband knew I wasn’t okay. He knew my anxiety was up. He knew I was ready to go.

So even when you think that you are hiding it very well…. Those who are close to you. Those who truly know you and truly care about you…. they are the ones that are going to be able to see the words that aren’t coming from your mouth. No! They are the ones who can hear ever silent scream coming from your eyes.

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Blessing and curse

Someone named David Jones once said “It is a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply”

Sometimes I feel like he was speaking about me. I feel everything so deeply. My emotions are on my sleeves. Scratch that. they’re on my fingertips. that is how much I feel. It doesn’t help that I feel other peoples emotions as well. If someone around me is sad… I get sad.

I am extremely empathetic

When my friends and family feel something. I cannot help but feel it too.  It also forces me to try my hardest to fix whatever it is that makes them feel that way. When they’re having a bad day… I feel like I start having a bad day. I don’t know how to really explain it. (So if you have some insight on it…please fill me in)

It is a blessing and a curse. I love the fact that feeling everything so deeply and feeling what others feel allows me to interpret things better. You know like knowing when they need space or when they need a hug. I can read people better than say my husband who rare shows any emotions.

It is a curse because I cannot turn it off…. Ever. And I carry it with me for the rest of the day…and if it is really strong.. I carry it for longer. They say ‘sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me’….thats a lie. Words hurt me very deeply. the person who came up with that saying obviously never felt anything as deeply as I do. Like all the time. I carry words with me. And they cut me like a knife.

How do you interpret the quote? How does it make you feel?