People don’t need to understand

Life is hard. For everyone. We all have stories. We all have backgrounds. We all have been thru things. We all tend to over share our stories sometimes. Especially if you’re like me. When my anxiety is on high during social situations… I tend to just talk and talk and talk. I also tend to talk about the things that I have been thru and explaining things that have happened to me. I have been told recently that I actually need to stop doing that because not everyone respects the person that I am or the things that I have been thru.

I usually get anxious, nervous and fidgety in social interactions around people that I either don’t know or am not comfortable with. Then after I leave the situation… my mind continues to over think and over analyze everything that I either aid or did. Then I feel like shit for the rest of the night….and possibly the next day as well. It is a big issue that I am slowly working on fixing. Things aren’t usually as bad as long as I have my husband right by my side. He is my rock. He is my calm. He grounds me in the storm that is anxiety disorder.

My husband is extremely understanding. He is extremely caring and gentle as well as loving. He is an amazing human being. However, not everyone is as understanding. The minute you explain your weakness there will be people out there that will hold that weakness against you. They will use your story, your emotional issues to ruin your life. To hold it over you. There are some people that like to know your deepest darkest secrets to make sure that you will not or cannot be better than them. They will use anything against you.

Sometimes, people don’t need to understand your journey. Your past, present and what you are working on…. that for you. It is not for them. The one thing that I have learned over the years…. is that you have to be extremely careful who you tell your journey to. Not everyone who smiles at you is your friend. Sometimes those who listen the most have the biggest mouths….the worst intentions to use against you. Your journey is for you. As long as you understand it, then that is what is best.

I thought I had a friend once. Well they were my husband’s friends. But I thought they were my friends too. They smiled so nicely in my face. They said all the right things. They were nice when I was around. They got me good too. I fell for their trap. So I opened up. I talked about my journey. I talked about what I had been thru. I talked about what arguments we had. I exposed the weakness in my husband and I fairly new relationship. So much so….that they used these weakness to break up my relationship with my then boyfriend and kept us apart for half a year until my husband came to the realization of the toxicity that they held deep inside them.

You see that is the thing. Some people are toxic. Some people are only looking for the worst in you so that they can use it against you. They want to use your journey to keep you down. To make sure that you are always beneath them. There is something that is often said on Facebook…. Make your moves in private. That way no one can make their intentions known. We bought a house almost a year ago and we didn’t tell anyone other than immediate family about it before we did it. Heck I didn’t post anything about it til we were in our happy home for a month.

There are somethings people don’t need to understand. Some things they don’t need to know. Your journey is yours. And it is just alright that no one but you understands it.

Toxic People

Okay so yesterday I posted about how my FIL has decided to show who he really is….

Although it is new to me, it is not new to anyone else that knows him. Like His son and ex. So maybe I should have listened almost a decade (ish) ago when my husband said he doesn’t really care to have a relationship with his father.

My bad.

I didn’t have a father. So I thought if my husband has the opportunity to have a relationship with his…he should take it…

it totally backfired in my face.

Joy.

But after the fall out that happened at my youngest daughters birthday party via text messages with my FIL…. he had decided to stop talking to me. I even sent him a simple text about apologies and haven’t heard anything from him. And that was almost a week ago.

Honestly, I don’t care. So he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore.

That is just fine. I no longer have to deal with him. or worry about what I should or shouldn’t say in front of him. Or try not to offend him since we do not have the same religion.

It is so much easier when toxic people stop talking to you… it is like the trash taking itself out…. As in I didn’t have to do anything in regards to the disconnection of communication.

But they are still bothering my husband so I do still have to deal with it a little bit 😦

Running into the past

When my husband’s best friend passed away quite suddenly 7 years ago, his not so great friend decided that was his opportunity to swoop in and try to fill the void of best friend.

And since my husband was in mourning……he didn’t really notice it while I did and so did my mother in law.

This was before we were married.

This was when we were just dating. This was even before I got pregnant.

Now what makes this such a bad friend???

Let me count the ways….

Well lets see. him and his wife encouraged my husnand to lie to me. On a regular basis. They encouraged him to seek other females when I started to put my foot down to their shinanigans. And they have lied about me quite often. Going as far as telling people that I beat my husband, that I gave my husband an STD and that they had to have the cops physically remove me from their property… Which was all a lie. Such a dangerous, disgusting lie. For one, the only time I have ever…. EVER swung on my husband when it wasn’t a playful wrestling was once when I was in a major panic attack.. He wasn’t around when it started so I had my head down. I was in a ball. And he snuck up on my and grabbed me from behind it what he thought was a hug and I thought was something more violent so I swung my elbow back and caught his shoulder. I did not have an std or give my husband an std. What wouldn’t they say to keep him under their thumb. They never had to call the cops on me. What really happened was they caused so many arguments between us that they had eventually worn him down and convinced him to move out and leave me while I was at work. I knew he was there and I sat in their parking lot because they were in an apartment complex. I texted him saying come tell me to my face that you’re leaving and he woulnd’t so I punched my car which was an older car and was all metal. I did, however, damage my hand and screamed ‘fuck’ because it hurt. Then I got in my car and went home. Without the cops showing up and without them removing me from their property. Lies, Lies and more lies.

Now if those examples don’t show you how bad these people were… Leave me a comment because I can give you a lot more of how toxic these people are. They literally will suck you dry and then drop you like a hot potato to find someone else to drain.

So after the hiatus between me and my husband. We decided that we were meant to be together…. I know that is cliche. We had started getting together once a week to have a lunch with our daughter because I grew up without a dad. and I didn’t want my kid to experience the same thing. So after two or three weeks we decided we should try again and it has been great. I thought that I would be the bigger person and try to just be civil with these monsters. So we took our daughter to see them on her 2nd birthday. And they talk to my husband and my daughter but completely ignore me and acts like I am not even there. That is when I knew that they were completely toxic, that they didn’t deserve my time and that I owed them absolutely NOTHING!!! Because I never did. They never helped me even tho I have bent over backwards for them. So I said screw them and my husband followed suit.

Now since then they have blamed me for taking their cash flow, I mean their friend… let me explain. We had just started back dating and I was at his moms with him… when he received a text message from said friend that said ‘can you pay my $400 light bill’ my husband’s check was barely $500 and he had a car payment and a child to help raise so how in the hell or why would he even contemplate paying another family’s light bill when he doesn’t even live there baffles me to this day.

I thought we were done with these people until last year when my daughter started school and just so happened to be in the same class as their youngest daughter. I could tolerate seeing her at parent events. Whatever. I am not that petty. But what I would not stand for was the wife coming to lunch with her daughter and taking that time to question my daughter about how she is, how her sister is and how their dad is as well as telling her that they have photos of her dad they would love to show her one day… UHM HELL NO. The bitch in me went the fuck off. I’m sorry for my vulgar language but I am a momma bear. You do not question my daughter. EVER. So my husband decided to send the wife a very lengthy message about said actions because I was such a hot head that if I got involved…..there probably would be a restraining order against me.

Now you see… they are not good for my mental illness. I don’t think any toxic person is. Seriously. They make you go insane…..So I have made a choice of avoiding them at all cost. I mean I don’t go out of my way to not see them. I do however, IGNORE the hell out of them. I pretend they don’t exist if I see them anywhere.

So, this long rant leads me to today….when I am at Wal-Mart looking for stuff for a project and I see this chick holding an LOL ball which are expensive. This chick is like super skinny. I mean like really really sickly skinny and has a hood on so I cannot see exactly who it is and I have been known to strike up random conversations with customers at stores. Comes from working in fast food I guess. So I am walking past and I see this chick holding this insanely expenisve small toy and I say ‘those LOL balls are expensive as shit”

It is when this person stands up and turns towards me that I realize I had done fucked up. It was the wife. I am pretty sure that she could tell exactly what I was thinking as she started to talk I walked right away. Now I wasn’t raised to be rude but I was like NOPE.

And that is exactly what I did. I noped it right out of there. Moved on as fast as I could without looking back. Why? Because knowing these people…..they would take this accidental statement as an invitation back into our lives and I have had my fill of sould sucking vermon.

Thanks for listening 🙂