What they don’t tell you

As many of you guys know, I had a major panic attack yesterday over the decision of buying new tires versus used tires. Why? Because new tires are expensive as crap especially for my car. I have an SUV so the tires are bigger and with that cost more. But why not just get used tires? I mean so many people get used tires and are just fine.

Well, you see, I have kids in my car 90% of the time and it would be my luck that I would get a used tire and it would blow and trying to find a used tire around here that matches my car takes DAYS. and I didn’t have days. My tire was on the verge of blowing. There was no tread on it whats so ever. I desperately needed a new tire. So I went and bought new ones.

I thought once I made the final decision, I would be fine. Nope. The wait was over an hour because there was 3 cars ahead of me. So I waited and walked around and couldn’t breathe.

You see, that is something the doctors never tell you about anxiety and panic attacks. Even though you might not be in an active attack….. you will still feel the weight of the elephant on your chest. You will still feel like you can’t get a decent breath. You will still feel like you’re going to pass out. You will still feel like you’re in an attack. Even when the initial attack has passed. After your tears have dried. After it all, it still feels like it’s there.

So, since it was taking so long and I was so bleh from this silly attack (I know it was irrational because it was a need but you couldn’t make me believe it) I decided I couldn’t cook. I just couldn’t deal with having to stand in the kitchen for a minimum of 30 minutes cooking dinner when I felt like I was going to pass out.

So I got take out. Which is find and dandy because I already had a fend for yourself night on the board and decided that we would take that for last night and move everything down a night. But it was on my way home that another attack overwhelmed me to the point that when I got out of my car at home, my legs almost collasped beneath me.

Here’s why. I live in the country. So there are long winding roads to get to my house. It takes me 13 minutes to get to my moms from my house and about 20 minutes to get to the Big Walmart. So I’m on one of the long roads and I’m fine. My car is no longer shaking, the drive is smooth. That is until I look up in my rearview mirror and see this asshat behind me. On my tail end. Swerving.

He almost hit 5 different mail boxes. I just knew he was going to hit my tail end on one side and cause me to swerve. And since I am in an SUV, swerving because someone hit one side of my tail end would possibly cause my car to roll. You see, SUV’s have a higher center of gravity. They’re top heavy because they’re higher off the ground. Sharp turns have a risk of rolling the car. So when I got home, safe, I was still so shaken that I almost collasped. I carried the food in the house. Held my composure giving my kids their dinner and then collasped on my bed. Their daddy was home and he knew what was going on.

Which is why my husband is so flipping amazing. Honestly! I am so flipping lucky to have him. Whenever I need to hide so my kids don’t see the worst of an attack, he steps up. Even though he works 10-12 hours 6 days a week. He still picks up my slack when the ugly little monster wants to rear its ugly head. He is an amazing man even after everything we have been thru. My anxiety is one thing he has NEVER thrown in my face. Ever!

So its the next day… I should be fine right? Nope! oh hell no. That would be too easy right? Yep. you see because of the attack…. well 2 attacks… I could not for the life of me go to bed. At all. I laid awake and my brain….being another entity entirely not of my control, kept replaying everything from the day. And how awful I felt as a human being not being able to bring anything financially into my household. But can spend it in a heart beat. I felt like I was worthless.

So I can’t sleep. I think I finally fell asleep after midnight and woke up this morning at 5 laying at the foot of my bed, when did I move? with the most awful crick in my neck because my pillow was on the floor. and I still felt like I couldn’t breathe. Like I was on the verge of puking.

You see, no doctor I have ever seen about my anxiety has ever warned me that you will feel it the next day. They tell you what a panic attack will feel like, what it might feel when your anxiety decides to grab your mind by the throat and shake it to its core. But what the never tell you is the after effects. They never tell you what to feel when its all over.

And it is different for each person. Hell it is different for each attack. Some attacks… I crash. So flipping hard. I go into an attack fighting to breathe and afterwards I am just so exhausted because an attack is like running a marathon without stopping. So I crawl in bed and sleep. One time I slept for 13 hours straight. I was in high school. My mom was scared because I didn’t budge. I didn’t wake up. I didn’t move. I didn’t get up to pee. Nothing. I was knocked out. Then there are sometimes where I still feel like anxiety’s nasty, ugly monster has its foot firmly placed against my throat so I can’t breathe. Sometimes I feel like I am going to puke. Sometimes I just feel like an idiot for having such an irrational response to something. They never tell you that you’re going to feel the effects even after it has ended.

Boy I wish they could’ve told me what I was going to feel. So I could maybe, just maybe prepare for it.

As always, thank you guys for listening (reading). It is nice to know I can be open and just tell it raw. Not have to sugar coat or protect anyone’s feelings.

Leave a comment and tell me how you feel after an attack. I would love to talk.

The Smallest Things

There must be something in the air today. This strong ass wind must be carrying some type of toxin that is causing so much anxiety.

Not just for me. My best friend is having a shit anxiety day as well over some stupid drama at her work which sent her into a crying fest in the bathroom and even tho she gathered herself together and put on a brave face as only those with issues know how to do, her boss is still siding with the other employee and sending my friend home.

And I can’t be much help to her because as I am sitting in the school line waiting to pick up the kids, I am in a blubbering mess as well. Why?

Well here is what my brain is telling me. I am a no good, money spending, talentless, fat, mess. Who can only spend money and cannot make money for the life of me. I have put in application for almost every at home job I can think of and apparently I am not what anyone is looking for. I cannot bring myself to get another fast food job because I know that I will be a blubbering whale of a mess in the bathroom from dealing with people face to face. The whole idea of trying to juggle every single thing that I do on a daily basis as well as working even a part time job outside of my home sends my heart rate higher than the Eiffle tower. I can’t even monetinize my blog well enough to draw in any money from the ads. I’m obviously not cut out to be a money making blogger. Even tho I like blogging because it helps me work thru a lot of my issues.

So why is this happening today.

Well I was running an errand for my mom before coming to the school line and I needed gas. So at the gas station I noticed my tires are low again for the thousandth time and when I was driving I noticed that the steering wheel kinda shakes so I decided to focus all of my attention on how my car was riding and I could tell with how worn the tires looked and felt that I need new tires.

Usually I would just get used tires. But since I drive sooooo much running every single flipping errand that occurs in our family as well as taking kids to and from school that it would be in the best interest of my family to get brand new tires as they have a higher chance of being safer. Because you never really know how these used tires are going to go. You could pay the 40 bucks to get a used tire put on and hit a pot hole on the way home and blow that tire you just bought. Now I can add 30 more to that and get a brand new tire. But I need 2 tires both my front tires are bad. So I am looking at 200 bucks for tires basically. with taxes and installation.

And I spent money buying other stuff recently for this awful cold that I am unfortunately coming down with. And it always seem like I am spending money and I feel bad because I am not bringing in money. I feel like a bad wife because my husband is working 10-12 hours a day 6 days straight and I’m just blowing his hard earned money.

Sometimes it is the smallest things that can make you feel like you’re useless, worthless, nothing.

I know I usually post some type of way you can deal with it or something positive.

But I just can’t today. I am having one of the worst anxiety days in a while…

So now, because I am that type of person, I got to figure out how I can make it up to my husband for spending 200. Even tho he won’t be mad or say anything about it because he wants the girls to be safe. But I am going to do it anyway because I feel like I have to do more since I stay at home.

Also, because music usually helps me in these moments and its usually my therapy… I was dumb enough to look up linkin park’s acoustic versions of their songs and just hearing Chesters voice from certain songs is sending me into another blubbering mess because well he was a gem that we loss. a beautiful soul.

If ya’ll know how to monetize your blog successfully…. I am all ears because I cannot go back to retail/fast food. And I really enjoy writing to you guys.

Wish me luck. 🙂