Need a Break

My anxiety consists of my brain never turning off. I can ask my husband what he’s thinking about and he’ll say nothing. But if he asks me….there is always something.

Actually, if I am being honest, my thoughts are pretty ADHD. There is always multiple things on my mind.

Like right now…. I am thinking about my father in law and that thought isn’t too pretty at the moment. I am thinking about how we still haven’t spread my dads ashes. I need to go grocery shopping. I need a nap. Stupid allergy’s to milk (and no its not tummy issues, my allergy makes me itchy…really itchy) How I was so careless to consume so many milk based products on such in such a short time period. I am thinking about school and how am I going to finish paying for it. Since I pretty much ran out of financial aid for it. I am freaking out about the upcoming warped tour because its so many people in a small facility. I am thinking about if I am a good enough parent, friend, wife, child.

And all that is running in my head right now. My attention span is really small. Like really short. Shorter than a fuse. In the 10th grade my Algebra 2 teacher use to switch subjects every 3-5 minutes. One day, a student asked why and she told them it was because of me. Because if she spent any more than 10 minutes on a problem, she would lose my attention.

Everyone always say they need a vacation from their life. To go away to the beach and be free of their problems for just a little bit.

Unfortunately, even when I am on vacation I am constantly overthinking, over analyzing every single thing. Even if I am 3 hours away from home. My mind is consumed with what is going on. What I will need to do when I get home

Yes, a vacation to the beach would be nice. But what I really need is a vacation, a break from my own thoughts.

I would love to know what it was like to not think about anything even if it was just for a few moments. I hate it. Honestly, I do. Because the more I think about something, the more anxious I become. My brother always tells me ‘well don’t think about it’. If only it was that easy. I try to mediate. I tried yoga. I tried taking walks. I tried the showers and the baths. I have tried everything. And I can never turn my thoughts off.

Is there some way to create an off switch??? I wish I knew. Cause I could really use a break.

What is #Anxiety???

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This is possibly the most accurate description of what feeling like anxiety is like. Unfortunately, I have this feeling at least 98% of the day.

What is funny is that when the seat belt locks up on me.. I literally freak out. Pulling on it trying to get free, getting frustrated and angry.

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Overthinking is a big part of my anxiety. It is also why I can’t sleep. So I figured if I am going to have a blog that deals with anxiety I might as well be brutally honest right? So here we go.

Second Guess everything.

Did I run that stop light? Did I do a rolling stop? OMG is that cop going to do a U turn and pull me over? Is the chicken completely done? Did I show my daughters enough love today? Did I give them enough boundaries? Did I hurt my mom’s feelings with that comment? Should I have said that? Second guessing is like second nature to me. I pretty much think I don’t do anything right so I have to double check. Because well I just suck.

Analyze things to death

Yeah.. that part about me sucking comes from analyzing everything more than God ever intended it to be analyzed. Seriously. Someone once told me I have an analytical brain. I thought that sounded really cool and that it made me cool. Yeah. That’s not how this thing called anxiety works. Analytical only means that I think a lot and over analyze things way too much.

Expect The Worst

OMG Just reading that statement I can already tell it was written just for me. A lot of people say that I am an overly protective parent. That’s true but because I expect the worse. At a Halloween thing I went to there was all kinds of things just sitting around. Big heavy wood or metal things with sharp edges. My daughter and her best friend (her cousin) were chasing each other around in circle and in my head all I could see is one of them fall face first into one of these items and busting their head open. I know that sounds like really bad of me to say but I cannot help it. So I tell them not to run around those items. I have them run in an open area that is grass and I worry about spiders or snakes (thankfully its getting cold) So I don’t really like them running in grass either. I am terrified of snakes. deathly afraid of snakes and if one bit me or my girls I would probably have a heart attack.

Have Insomnia 

Well as you can tell from when this post was published. I don’t sleep very well. at all. Pretty much ever. I wish I did. I want to sleep. But sometimes my head just thinks about things over and over and over. I make lists for groceries or what bills need to be paid more than once to make sure I got everything right. I clean when I can’t sleep. Organizing things helps when I am anxious. What is sleep? Is it nice?

Hate making decisions, would rather someone make them for you

I hate hate hate hate having to make a decision. Usually because it takes a very long time for me to actually decide. I have to weigh the pros and cons. I have to make a list. I have to get peoples opinion. I think the only decision that I made without any help was when I decided to go back to school. And then I was too afraid to tell anyone.

Regret Often

Pretty much. I am a helping person. I have helped many people. and this isn’t just some way for me to gloat about what I’ve done. Because I completely feel bad that I regret spending all my money or time helping someone when they don’t want to help themselves. I regret buying myself something. Like I need pants I literally only have 3 jeans that fit comfortable. I am fat. I know this. I am trying to lose weight. It just isn’t working. So when I bought those 3 pairs of jeans I completely regretted it. I could’ve spent that money on bills, food or my girls. I don’t do well with spending money on me or having someone else spend money on me.

Can’t let things go/ Take things personally

This is pretty much the root of my arguments with my husband. I hold on to things way too long. Longer than I ever mean to. I promise I won’t do it but then that voice in my head goes….well you remember that one time and then it’s all I can think about. I also take things way too personally. Unfortunately, my husband cannot pick with me too much because I take it offensively or get hurt. I also take it personally if he picks around or jokes with another female because it comes across as flirting when he really doesn’t mean to. He’s an only child and didn’t learn things as easily or as completely as others like the actual way to flirt rather than joking around.

  Criticize yourself

This is me. 100% all day. everyday. I know it makes others upset about how I talk about myself. I am fat. I know I am. According to the weight chart I am way over fat. I used to be skinnier. I wish I could get back to that. I don’t have the best teeth. That comes from a freak accident with my niece and a broken arm. I am not pretty. My face could be skinnier. My hair doesn’t do anything special. It’s not super straight and its not curly. It just sits there and gets knotted. I am not the best mom. I fuss at my kids. I could be better. But I am not. Everyday I criticize something that I have or have not done.

Never 100% Certain/ feel tense

If you asked me if we should go left or right… I wouldn’t be able to give you an answer. I don’t know which is the correct way. You ask me for a percentage.. its going to be 95%. I am always tense. I am always prepared to leave. I am always waiting to leave and I am always depending on my husband to provide a little bit of relief. Anxiety sucks.

Feel like you can’t turn your brain off

If you haven’t learned anything from this post, you should understand that I cannot ever turn my brain off. I wish I could be like some of those people who can sit there and not think. What does it feel like to have no thoughts at all?

 

So thank you for listening to this long rant so early in the morning. If you see anything on the list that you can relate to. Let me know. Lets start the discussion on anxiety. Lets break the stigma around mental illness. I look forward to hearing from you.

 

 

#Anxiety… Tips for a relationship (maybe)

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Although I personally hate repeating myself, especially when I have told my daughter to pick up her shoes before someone trips for the thousand time. There are some things that I like to have repeated. Well not like. I need.

The sad thing is. I come across as such a bitch all the time. Because I am afraid. Because I am always asking the same thing over and over. Because I want to know what is going on. Because I feel like someone is talking about me even when I am listening to the same conversation. I don’t know why. It just seems like they’re using some type of code to talk about me. It doesn’t help that these people my husband was friends with started all of these awful rumors about me. Even tho my husband has told them off and they’re no longer friends, they still run their mouth about me or stare me down if I am in the same area as them. They have even made comments about my kids and how they wish they could see them. Like I am in the wrong somehow for not letting them (they are bad people. like a leech. they literally suck the life…and finances out of people) be in my kids life. They also don’t understand the importance of kids having boundaries and respect. But I am getting off subject. Well sort of. They did not help my anxiety in my relationship in the beginning of things. They are a total different subject that I don’t like to get into because well lets just say…I get angry.

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This photo explains pretty much how being in a relationship with anxiety is all about. I know that it says its called relationship anxiety. However, my relationship isn’t the only part that I am anxious over. I am anxious all the time. It’s also not just with my husband that I do these things.

As a momma’s girl, I worry about my moms health. Is she ok? Did she make it home ok? I worry about her driving. I worry about her going to the store alone. I mean her knee gave out on her once. What if it happens in the store and she’s alone. Would someone help her up? Or would they rob her? I worry about my husband taking my daughter to the bathroom in public. You know where he stands outside the womens room. What if he turns for one second and she disappears? What if someone in the bathroom harms her? I literally cannot begin to tell you how much I fear on a day to day basis. Sometimes it is unbearable and I just stay at home and cry. It is awful. I worry about getting into a car accident when me and my husband go somewhere alone in the same car. Who would take care of our girls?

What do I do? well for one… my mom texts me every time before she comes to my house to let me know she is in the car. She texts me when she gets home in the evening and we pretty much text all day until we go to bed. I run all of the errands for her that she doesn’t have to. (Yes I go and run the errands alone even tho it makes me anxious to be in the car. I’d rather it just be me in a car accident to even begin to think about my mom or daughters in my car.) I take her to the store so that I know she is okay. I ask my husband to find the family bathrooms so that he can go in with our daughter. When I am with her in the public restrooms she is no farther than an arms length away from me. I try to ensure that I will always be able to grab her if something happens. We have talked about public safety and the importance of having a secret word. We’ve talked about stranger danger and that you need to make a scene if someone grabs you. Like screaming thats not my mommy or thats not my daddy. Anything that will bring attention to yourself….

There are many weeks where I have gone on about 4 hours of sleep a night. I sit here and worry or over think things. I know that I have provided some posts about how to do things when it comes to anxiety. Tips that might help. Unfortunately, this is a personal post. This is me sharing just a little bit of my personal fears with you. Maybe you’ll feel a little comfortable to share a little bit of your fears with me. Do you have a way to turn your brain off? How do you combat insomnia? I look forward to hearing from you.

#Lyrics #TalkingToMyself

Because music speaks the words that we are all too afraid to mutter. I decided that I would start looking at songs and why I relate to them. The first one…. Talking to myself by Linkin Park. I sure do miss Chester.

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Tell me what I’ve gotta do
There’s no getting through to you

I have someone in my family who has constantly gone thru this depressive state (Although some say he’s just striving for attention) where he cuts himself, gets overly drunk or does something….No matter what I do, what I say. I cannot get thru to him to stop. He has spent many nights in the hospital and even been committed.
The lights are on but nobody’s home (nobody’s home)

This line really gets to me. Like I try my hardest to convince him that there is a reason to live. His family. He has kids. He can change his life. But I feel like the minute I start talking he shuts down and stops listening.
You say I can’t understand
But you’re not giving me a chance

This part gets me because he acts like since I am okay on the outside that I haven’t dealt with my own demons. I do. I deal with them on a daily basis. I talked to a therapist at a Halloween party about certain things and he thinks that because of certain things that happened when I was younger that stemmed from this family member is why I have my demons… Could possibly be true. Like when I finally start to talk about what happened, being called a liar… Thanks. Honestly, thanks.
When you leave me, where do you go? (Where do you go?)

Again, I try to talk and he shuts me down.

All the walls that you keep building
All this time that I spent chasing
All the ways that I keep losing you

Am I ever going to get thru to him?

The truth is, you turn into someone else

When he gets in these moods where he doesn’t care, it’s like I am dealing with someone else. I know he is capable of love. I know he is capable of compassion, but sometimes when he’s like this it seems like he is someone else.
You keep running like the sky is falling
I can whisper, I can yell
But I know, yeah I know, yeah I know
I’m just talking to myself
Talking to myself
Talking to myself
But I know, yeah I know, yeah I know
I’m just talking to myself

It does seem like I am talking to myself. Honestly. Nothing I have ever said has gotten thru to him. He has watched many anxiety/panic attacks while he cuts himself or takes off or when he’s just being him. But does he stop. Does he care? Will he listen to me finally? I doubt it. I feel like I am talking to myself.

I admit I made mistakes

Nobody’s perfect
But yours might cost you everything

In his case, his life
Can’t you hear me calling you home?

All the walls that you keep building
All this time that I spent chasing
All the ways that I keep losing you

The truth is, you turn into someone else
You keep running like the sky is falling
I can whisper, I can yell
But I know, yeah I know, yeah I know
I’m just talking to myself
Talking to myself
Talking to myself
But I know, yeah I know, yeah I know
I’m just talking to myself

All the walls that you keep building
All this time that I spent chasing
All the ways that I keep losing you

The truth is, you turn into someone else
You keep running like the sky is falling
I can whisper, I can yell
But I know, yeah I know, yeah I know
I’m just talking to myself
Talking to myself
Talking to myself
But I know, yeah I know, yeah I know
I’m talking to myself