Having anxiety, or at least for me, it makes me think ahead and overthink every single thing. For instance… I typically meal plan for a month at a time. I will know what I am going to cook tomorrow and next thursday because I plan out dinners and make out a list and buy everything that is needed for those dinners at one time. I know… It is a little crazy.
So with that being said….. I like to list out my goals, my bills…upcoming events… pretty much everything. I have liss for pretty much everything. I know how much my bills are this month….next month.. how much money is going towards bills out of the next paycheck.
So what are my goals….long term…short term.
Short term goals is always to make sure all of the bills get paid. I grew up with a single mom…sometimes she didn’t have the money to pay every single bill every single month so sometimes we didn’t have water or we didn’t have lights or we went without food. It is not something that I want my kids to ever experience. It was a rough time.
My long term goals…those are a little more complex and they don’t just include me. I want my crafting business to get up and running to the point that it is making me a stable income. I also want to get my sewing better. To the point that I can make wrestling gear into a viable income. I also want to get my photography skills in tip top shape to the point that I am hired to shoot wrestling events as well as promotional shots. I want to get my husbands wrestling career up and running. I want to do whatever I can and whatever it takes to ensure that he can focus on wrestling. If I could turn all of my hobbies and talents to income then maybe he wouldn’t have to work 60 hours a week and could in turn start training more than 2 days a week. I want to help my mom lose weight and get her arthritis and degenerating joints and disks under control so that she can be more active and her movement will be less painful.
I know things don’t happen over night….although I wish they were. I do however believe that if I work so very hard at it….I can make them a reality.
Your life will only get better when you do. That’s not saying that you’re going to completely be better. Like with my anxiety disorder. It is always going to be something that I am going to fight. I just have to keep learning, growing and devloping new ways to fight my disease. When I work on myself….the rest will follow. Life will get better only if I get better.
When you’re injured…. you’re not going to get better if you keep doing what you were doing. For instance, when I was in 6th grade…. I fractured my ankle falling down stairs. I was also a bus rider at the time and had to walk a good distance to get to the bus station. I had to wear a brace and walk on crutches with a book bag full of books and my instrument as I was in band. After the first day of going to the bus stop going thru school….getting back on the bus then walking back home… my ankle was more swollen than ever….
I mean it was three times the size. It was awful. So in order for my ankle to heal… I stayed home for 2 weeks. with my leg elevated. My school work for the 2 week were brought to me by my older brother and I didn’t fall behind. But if I had tried to continue putting so much strain on my ankle…. they would be worst than what they are now…. I injured both ankles about 2 years apart. They still act up and hurt. They swell and let me know when I need to pause…put them up and take care of myself.
If I try to continue on a swollen fractured ankle….then everything would be hard and bad. I had to take the time for me. I had to fix myself. Then everything else followed. Once my ankle got better, I got better, life got better. Once I took the time to chill out, relax and heal… I learned how to walk better. I learned how to watch where I was stepping.
Life is the same way. You have to take care of yourself before life gets better. If you keep going while you’re having a bad moment in life….life is going to reflect that. You have to take care of yourself first. Everything else will follow.
If I could write a note to my 16 year old self….what would I say?
I would tell myself not to date that one guy. That even though I felt like I could save him, I would just hurt myself worse in the process. And that you cannot save someone who doesn’t want to be saved. To not waste almost 2 years on him. To hold out. To wait. Because the one I was meant to be would be coming into my life soon enough.
I would tell myself not to be selfish. That my mom didn’t have to buy me everything every time she got paid. That it would save my brother and mom’s relationship if I was less selfish. I would tell myself that I didn’t need new cd’s or movies etc.
I would tell myself to not get too emotionally involved with everyone. Because in a few short years, they would be no where to be found. I would tell myself that things are going to get worse….but in 10 years they’ll be better than I could have imagined then.
I would tell my 16 year old self to inform my mom to not let my oldest brother to move in with us because it was just a catalyst for all the bad things that came about. I would tell my 16 year old self that being true to myself is better than making people happy even if it meant having no friends.
I would tell my 16 year old self that the high school drama extends way past high school. That my future in laws would be just as bad as teenagers in the drama department. I would tell my 16 year old self to reach out to my childhood crush. To maybe be a friend to him and listen. Because he had so much more going on in his life up to his death that maybe he just needed someone. I would tell my 16 year old self to ALWAYS go to the hospital with my cousin whenever he needed to go. That maybe if he had someone he there, maybe someone could have gotten help and he’d still be here.
I would tell my 16 year old self that in ten years time…. I would have 2 beautiful girls, an AMAZING husband and the support of my brother sister mother and mother in law. That it might have taken time but we will be alright.
I would tell my 16 year old self that the anxiety that I had just gotten diagnosed with (at 16) doesn’t just go away. That it will get worse before we get even a minor handle on it.
I would tell my 16 year old self to not give up. To keep fighting.