Change the end

 

You can’t change the beginning of a story… But you can change the end

I had a rough childhood. Not as rough as some and my brothers like to think that I had it easy because I was spoiled. I have explained to so many people that my spoiled was completely different than normal. I grew up on food stamps. Once a month, I would be able to get whatever cereal and name brand drinks. My brothers had to do odd jobs like raking leaves to help pay the bills. I didn’t because I was under 10 years old. I did however have to do my oldest brothers chores beacuse he was a douche who like to bully his younger siblings. I also had to do his long division homework when I was in the third grade because he just didn’t want to do it. I had to write his essays or spell check his homework. But both my brothers left home by the time they were 16-17. I didn’t. In fact, my mom has been a constant part of my life. We have been homeless in an abandoned house together.

I cannot change any of that. I wish I could. I wish I could have changed things so my mom wouldn’t feel the way she did when she couldn’t provide for us the way she had hoped. But I can’t.

I can, however, change my now. Change the end. And change where I am going.

You cannot change how you were raised. Where you were raised. How things were in the past. But don’t let that stop you from changing where you are going. If you’re not happy with how things are right now. You have the power to change it. You may not have the financial means to significantly change things. But you can change your outlook. You can change the way you see things. You can work on having a better attitude. Instead of waking up with the I don’t wanna work attitude or just a bad attitude in general. You can wake up and set a happy goal for the day. You can wake up and do something that makes you happy before having to go to work. For instance, when I worked at a call center. I used to love the job until the director left and we got a new one who was not the best person in the world. She always seemed to not like me and it made me resent my job. I would be upset every day I had to work. I would take any opportunity to leave early that was offered. However, the days where I got up extra early and was able to go get a frozen mocha. The caffeine and sugar delicious would make me feel a little better. I would blast some music on the way to work and I would start the day off in a good mood.

I don’t like my weight and I haven’t for a very long time. I was in a car accident when I was pregnant with my second child. This put a lot of pain on my body and I was practically on bedrest the whole pregnancy. I gained a lot of weight and it has been very hard to get rid of it. I cannot change the fact that I was on bed rest. I cannot change the fact that I gained a lot of weight during my last pregnancy. But what I can change….is today…tomorrow….next week. By eating right. Eating more veggies. Watching what I eat. And going to the gym. My husband and I have decided that going to the gym twice a week is a great start. Going slow. I have bad ankles and a bad knee from injuries from when I was younger. my hips and back are messed up from the wreck. Therefore, slow and steady wins the race. I can slowly build up the muscles in these areas so that I can gradually build up my endurance and then I can start losing weight….the right way. I can change the end of my story. And I choose to start today. Are you ready to change your story?

What is #Anxiety???

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This is possibly the most accurate description of what feeling like anxiety is like. Unfortunately, I have this feeling at least 98% of the day.

What is funny is that when the seat belt locks up on me.. I literally freak out. Pulling on it trying to get free, getting frustrated and angry.

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Overthinking is a big part of my anxiety. It is also why I can’t sleep. So I figured if I am going to have a blog that deals with anxiety I might as well be brutally honest right? So here we go.

Second Guess everything.

Did I run that stop light? Did I do a rolling stop? OMG is that cop going to do a U turn and pull me over? Is the chicken completely done? Did I show my daughters enough love today? Did I give them enough boundaries? Did I hurt my mom’s feelings with that comment? Should I have said that? Second guessing is like second nature to me. I pretty much think I don’t do anything right so I have to double check. Because well I just suck.

Analyze things to death

Yeah.. that part about me sucking comes from analyzing everything more than God ever intended it to be analyzed. Seriously. Someone once told me I have an analytical brain. I thought that sounded really cool and that it made me cool. Yeah. That’s not how this thing called anxiety works. Analytical only means that I think a lot and over analyze things way too much.

Expect The Worst

OMG Just reading that statement I can already tell it was written just for me. A lot of people say that I am an overly protective parent. That’s true but because I expect the worse. At a Halloween thing I went to there was all kinds of things just sitting around. Big heavy wood or metal things with sharp edges. My daughter and her best friend (her cousin) were chasing each other around in circle and in my head all I could see is one of them fall face first into one of these items and busting their head open. I know that sounds like really bad of me to say but I cannot help it. So I tell them not to run around those items. I have them run in an open area that is grass and I worry about spiders or snakes (thankfully its getting cold) So I don’t really like them running in grass either. I am terrified of snakes. deathly afraid of snakes and if one bit me or my girls I would probably have a heart attack.

Have Insomnia 

Well as you can tell from when this post was published. I don’t sleep very well. at all. Pretty much ever. I wish I did. I want to sleep. But sometimes my head just thinks about things over and over and over. I make lists for groceries or what bills need to be paid more than once to make sure I got everything right. I clean when I can’t sleep. Organizing things helps when I am anxious. What is sleep? Is it nice?

Hate making decisions, would rather someone make them for you

I hate hate hate hate having to make a decision. Usually because it takes a very long time for me to actually decide. I have to weigh the pros and cons. I have to make a list. I have to get peoples opinion. I think the only decision that I made without any help was when I decided to go back to school. And then I was too afraid to tell anyone.

Regret Often

Pretty much. I am a helping person. I have helped many people. and this isn’t just some way for me to gloat about what I’ve done. Because I completely feel bad that I regret spending all my money or time helping someone when they don’t want to help themselves. I regret buying myself something. Like I need pants I literally only have 3 jeans that fit comfortable. I am fat. I know this. I am trying to lose weight. It just isn’t working. So when I bought those 3 pairs of jeans I completely regretted it. I could’ve spent that money on bills, food or my girls. I don’t do well with spending money on me or having someone else spend money on me.

Can’t let things go/ Take things personally

This is pretty much the root of my arguments with my husband. I hold on to things way too long. Longer than I ever mean to. I promise I won’t do it but then that voice in my head goes….well you remember that one time and then it’s all I can think about. I also take things way too personally. Unfortunately, my husband cannot pick with me too much because I take it offensively or get hurt. I also take it personally if he picks around or jokes with another female because it comes across as flirting when he really doesn’t mean to. He’s an only child and didn’t learn things as easily or as completely as others like the actual way to flirt rather than joking around.

  Criticize yourself

This is me. 100% all day. everyday. I know it makes others upset about how I talk about myself. I am fat. I know I am. According to the weight chart I am way over fat. I used to be skinnier. I wish I could get back to that. I don’t have the best teeth. That comes from a freak accident with my niece and a broken arm. I am not pretty. My face could be skinnier. My hair doesn’t do anything special. It’s not super straight and its not curly. It just sits there and gets knotted. I am not the best mom. I fuss at my kids. I could be better. But I am not. Everyday I criticize something that I have or have not done.

Never 100% Certain/ feel tense

If you asked me if we should go left or right… I wouldn’t be able to give you an answer. I don’t know which is the correct way. You ask me for a percentage.. its going to be 95%. I am always tense. I am always prepared to leave. I am always waiting to leave and I am always depending on my husband to provide a little bit of relief. Anxiety sucks.

Feel like you can’t turn your brain off

If you haven’t learned anything from this post, you should understand that I cannot ever turn my brain off. I wish I could be like some of those people who can sit there and not think. What does it feel like to have no thoughts at all?

 

So thank you for listening to this long rant so early in the morning. If you see anything on the list that you can relate to. Let me know. Lets start the discussion on anxiety. Lets break the stigma around mental illness. I look forward to hearing from you.

 

 

Lyric time…again #LeaveOutAllTheRest by Linkin Park

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It kind of messes a person up when someone says I want this song at my funeral.. yeah.. my brother did that… This song at his funeral. Fantastic. Also, this reminds me of my friend that passed away…

Anyway. Here is my  thought process when I feel the lyrics.

 

I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
Cause no one else cared

does anyone care about me?
After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I’m done here?

I am terrified of death. Heck, even thinking about losing my mom or brothers, I automatically break down into tears. It is awful. just awful. And I am afraid of dying. Like how will my kids be? Will their daddy be able to take care of them?  It is a very depressing thought process
So, if you’re asking me, I want you to know

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done

I haven’t done so much wrong, but I’ve hurt people
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed

Will I be missed?
And don’t resent me

This part is where my friend’s passing comes into my mind. He was battling addiction. So I take this part as like him saying hey, don’t resent me for my battles. for what I’ve been thru.
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

I don’t want to forget my friend and when my time comes, I hope my memory will be alive with my kids.
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Don’t be afraid
I’ve taken my beating
I’ve shared what I’ve made
I’m strong on the surface
Not all the way through

I may show a strong persona but deeper inside I am not strong at all. I am weak.
I’ve never been perfect

Nobody’s perfect.
But neither have you
So, if you’re asking me, I want you to know

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
And don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting
All the hurt inside you’ve learned to hide so well

hiding it is so much easier than letting others see
Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself

Nobody can save me
I can’t be who you are

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
And don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting
All the hurt inside you’ve learned to hide so well
Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can’t be who you are
I can’t be who you are

I can’t be who you are. I can only be myself. Maybe I over think. Maybe I let my anxiety run my life every now and then. Maybe I need to let things go sometimes. But I can’t be who you are.

 

 

So what do you feel when you hear this song? What lyric stands out the most to you?