The difficulty of anxiety in a relationship

There are a lot of bumps in the road in relationships. Even more so if you have anxiety, depression or any other type of mental illness. Letting someone in to see that part of you can be difficult. And once they do see it, if they accept you….then you feel like you can open up to everyone….which can be a bad idea in some cases that I have just learned.

My husband is great. He is understanding. I became comfortable with my mental illness, in the sense of being open about it and talking about it. Talking about my mental illness in the sense of why I do the things I do. Which can lead to a lot of heartache as I recently found out. I am the type of person who if I know you’re going on a trip, I will want to send you food or snacks to tied you along the way. However, that isn’t always perceived in the light that I want it to and comes across as being stressed or overbearing. And In that moment, those words cut through me like a newly forged blade, hot and sharp. However, my first thought was…how will this affect my husband.

And that is the thing with having anxiety in a relationship. Your fears grow more than just about yourself. Or at least mine has. My anxiety has way surpassed just myself…they’ve grown around my kids, my husband, my mother, my brothers, my friends. Everyone that I care about. That I hold dear to myself. So I am constantly worrying about what I do and how it will affect them. For instance, when I am around my husbands wrestling group. I worry that my anxious ticks, my nervous habits will cause them to look upon my husband in a different light, a wrong one. These thoughts keep me up and worried way past the interaction.

Another issue that I have come to learn about is the fact that it may appear that the ones you love act different around you because they are being protective of your illness. And that, in turn, can cause more damage than good. Because you think that maybe the self that you see with others is their true self and that the one that they are with you is only to protect you. No matter how long you’ve been together. You feel like they’ve never been their true self with you because they’re afraid of how it will affect you.

With all of that together, you worry that it isn’t everyone else. That it is you. That the way they all react or act around you is your fault. That maybe they would have a better relationship or personality if they weren’t burdened by you and the constant worry of your own mental illness. That maybe you should have been better at hiding your illness so that no one knew. That there is something wrong with you.

And that is the issue with today’s world. That we are so ashamed of our own mental problems. That we should hide away our problems from the world to see. That is the stigma and that is why talking about mental illness is so important so that we can break that stigma. However, that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t get help or open up about what is wrong. I’ve tried the medication’s the doctors have prescribed and they always seem to have some sort of ill effect. Therefore, I am trying something different. St. John’s Wart. I have been told it is a natural way to help with anxiety issues and mood balancing. So here’s hoping it works.

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There’s a difference

 

I’m not mad I’m hurt theres a difference

I have ‘anger’ issues. Not in the sense that I need an anger management class. But in the sense that I am overly emotional…. I feel way too much, way too hard. But I also have a ‘resting bitch face’ so when something is on my mind. I looked pissed off. When I have a war inside my head. Where I am fighting my anxious self and trying to keep my cool. Where I am trying to not go into an anxiety attack…. I always look mad.

But I am seldom mad. I am more hurt than anything else. There is a difference. When I am mad… I am mad. I am angry. But even if I look mad…. I might not be mad. I might be hurt and trying to not say anything. Trying to not cause whatever it is to get worse.

I am usually hurt. I am so emotional….. So I get hurt a lot.

Having anxiety and depression makes me feel things on a deeper level…. or at least I think so….

So….. I try to bring in personal issues or stories to relate to what topic I am writing….. Well.. I actually had something that happened recently that made me feel hurt but came across as being mad.
As I have stated, my husband is training to be a wrestler. The promotion that he is training with had a show this past weekend. And the trainee’s usually go to help set up before the show and stay to help take down after the show…..the last one, I went to…. This one was an hour and half away from home. So it was going to be a very long day…. I told my husband that I would go with him if he wanted me to but he would need to make the decision. He stated that he would want me there but he wasn’t going to force me to go. So I told him that the final decision would be on him. This was 2 days before the event. two days go by and its the morning of the event….my husband is getting ready… I am still waiting on an answer. Am I going? Am I driving? What is going on? I don’t want to be like ‘hey yeah I’m going with you to an event with your group because I’m just an overbearing person who has to be glued to you 24/7’ NO I wasn’t going to. So I waited and waited and waited…..he said nothing. Except ‘I guess I’ll be going’ Like no…don’t put this on me that you’re going to an event alone. I told you to make the decision on if I was going or not… you didn’ t make a choice so I didn’t get ready.

And my husband thinks I was mad….i wasn’t… I’m not. I am more hurt than anything because I waited and waited for my husband to say anything. It isn’t like he has never said ‘go with me’ or ‘go next time’ to me before. With no problem. But for some reason now is an issue….

So he spent the entire day at the event…without me….and I spent the day at home….sad…hurt….in bed….emotional. It was not a good day. But I wasn’t mad. I wasn’t mad at him for me not going for him not talking for no conversation taking place….. I was hurt. I was hurt that I waited for two days waiting for him to make a decision. to say anything. and that he just didn’t say a word. I’m not meaning that we didn’t talk at all for 2 days. No…we did….and I would remind him that a decision needed to be made …. for 2 days…. Thats what hurt me. I felt like he was ignoring it….ignoring me…. ignoring the situation because maybe he just didn’t want to me there..(that wasn’t the case) but it’s how I felt.

There is a difference between being mad and feeling hurt. Understanding the two feelings is extremely important if you’re dealing with someone who suffers with anxiety….
🙂

Running into the past

When my husband’s best friend passed away quite suddenly 7 years ago, his not so great friend decided that was his opportunity to swoop in and try to fill the void of best friend.

And since my husband was in mourning……he didn’t really notice it while I did and so did my mother in law.

This was before we were married.

This was when we were just dating. This was even before I got pregnant.

Now what makes this such a bad friend???

Let me count the ways….

Well lets see. him and his wife encouraged my husnand to lie to me. On a regular basis. They encouraged him to seek other females when I started to put my foot down to their shinanigans. And they have lied about me quite often. Going as far as telling people that I beat my husband, that I gave my husband an STD and that they had to have the cops physically remove me from their property… Which was all a lie. Such a dangerous, disgusting lie. For one, the only time I have ever…. EVER swung on my husband when it wasn’t a playful wrestling was once when I was in a major panic attack.. He wasn’t around when it started so I had my head down. I was in a ball. And he snuck up on my and grabbed me from behind it what he thought was a hug and I thought was something more violent so I swung my elbow back and caught his shoulder. I did not have an std or give my husband an std. What wouldn’t they say to keep him under their thumb. They never had to call the cops on me. What really happened was they caused so many arguments between us that they had eventually worn him down and convinced him to move out and leave me while I was at work. I knew he was there and I sat in their parking lot because they were in an apartment complex. I texted him saying come tell me to my face that you’re leaving and he woulnd’t so I punched my car which was an older car and was all metal. I did, however, damage my hand and screamed ‘fuck’ because it hurt. Then I got in my car and went home. Without the cops showing up and without them removing me from their property. Lies, Lies and more lies.

Now if those examples don’t show you how bad these people were… Leave me a comment because I can give you a lot more of how toxic these people are. They literally will suck you dry and then drop you like a hot potato to find someone else to drain.

So after the hiatus between me and my husband. We decided that we were meant to be together…. I know that is cliche. We had started getting together once a week to have a lunch with our daughter because I grew up without a dad. and I didn’t want my kid to experience the same thing. So after two or three weeks we decided we should try again and it has been great. I thought that I would be the bigger person and try to just be civil with these monsters. So we took our daughter to see them on her 2nd birthday. And they talk to my husband and my daughter but completely ignore me and acts like I am not even there. That is when I knew that they were completely toxic, that they didn’t deserve my time and that I owed them absolutely NOTHING!!! Because I never did. They never helped me even tho I have bent over backwards for them. So I said screw them and my husband followed suit.

Now since then they have blamed me for taking their cash flow, I mean their friend… let me explain. We had just started back dating and I was at his moms with him… when he received a text message from said friend that said ‘can you pay my $400 light bill’ my husband’s check was barely $500 and he had a car payment and a child to help raise so how in the hell or why would he even contemplate paying another family’s light bill when he doesn’t even live there baffles me to this day.

I thought we were done with these people until last year when my daughter started school and just so happened to be in the same class as their youngest daughter. I could tolerate seeing her at parent events. Whatever. I am not that petty. But what I would not stand for was the wife coming to lunch with her daughter and taking that time to question my daughter about how she is, how her sister is and how their dad is as well as telling her that they have photos of her dad they would love to show her one day… UHM HELL NO. The bitch in me went the fuck off. I’m sorry for my vulgar language but I am a momma bear. You do not question my daughter. EVER. So my husband decided to send the wife a very lengthy message about said actions because I was such a hot head that if I got involved…..there probably would be a restraining order against me.

Now you see… they are not good for my mental illness. I don’t think any toxic person is. Seriously. They make you go insane…..So I have made a choice of avoiding them at all cost. I mean I don’t go out of my way to not see them. I do however, IGNORE the hell out of them. I pretend they don’t exist if I see them anywhere.

So, this long rant leads me to today….when I am at Wal-Mart looking for stuff for a project and I see this chick holding an LOL ball which are expensive. This chick is like super skinny. I mean like really really sickly skinny and has a hood on so I cannot see exactly who it is and I have been known to strike up random conversations with customers at stores. Comes from working in fast food I guess. So I am walking past and I see this chick holding this insanely expenisve small toy and I say ‘those LOL balls are expensive as shit”

It is when this person stands up and turns towards me that I realize I had done fucked up. It was the wife. I am pretty sure that she could tell exactly what I was thinking as she started to talk I walked right away. Now I wasn’t raised to be rude but I was like NOPE.

And that is exactly what I did. I noped it right out of there. Moved on as fast as I could without looking back. Why? Because knowing these people…..they would take this accidental statement as an invitation back into our lives and I have had my fill of sould sucking vermon.

Thanks for listening 🙂

It isn’t easy

Loving me isn’t easy.

Loving me is complicated.

Loving me comes with a lot of baggage.

Loving me comes with a lot of problems.

Loving me means you need to be patient.

Loving me means you need to understand.

Loving me isn’t easy.

Because loving me means you accept my issues

Because loving me means you are willing to put up with my anxiety.

Because loving me means you don’t judge me.

Because loving me means you want to help me cope.

Because loving me means you understand.

Loving me isn’t easy.

I wish it was.

I wish I wasn’t such a handfull.

I wish I didn’t constantly overthink every little thing you say.

I wish that I could have better trust.

I wish that I didn’t wear every thing on my sleeves.

I wish my emotions didn’t bounce up and down like a damn yo-yo you use to play with as a kid.

I wish I didn’t have to constantly have reassurance.

Loving me isn’t easy.

But I wish it was.

Having a mental illness like anxiety…such strong anxiety makes relationships so damn hard.

You are constantly wondering if you are going to get hurt again.

You see… I have only been with 3 guys in my whole life. I have only had 3 boyfriends. EVER. Seriously. My first boyfriend was when I was 7… we dated off and on every couple years until high school.

Then he dumped me because someone gave him the time of day. That is how it always went with him. Especially when we were in high school. Anytime a girl would flirt with him, bat their pretty little mascara covered lashes his way, I would be left heart broken wondering why I was never good enough to be anyone’s entire world.

But then I was. Or at least I thought I was. I mean my second boyfriend pursued me while I was in a relationship with my first boyfriend. He wrote all these letters. He won me stuffed animals. He always made time for me. Til he left. to go live somewhere else. And I was the one thinking we could actually make long distance work. And I guess we did. Until he came to live with us. But he wasn’t who I thought he was. He was an emotional rollercoaster. He caused so much pain. He won me over with his words and then destroyed me with his actions. he cheated. not only physically but emotionally. Not too long after we broke up did he start a realtionship with the one he cheated on me with. But what could I have expected. He cheated on his girlfriend with me. And his girlfriend was my friend. And he let me believe that they were over. He had a way with words. He was broken. I thought I could fix him. I thought I could be his savior. I thought I could. But in the end, that didn’t matter. It never matters, does it?

In the end of that relationship… I didn’t know how to break it off. I knew we were over. We were too spiteful to each other. Too hateful. Too much of a toxic thing. They always say you have 3 kinds of love in your life. My first love played me like a fiddle. My second love taught me all the feelings you would never want to feel when you’re supposed to be in a realtionship.

And then came my knight in shining armor. Or at least I thought he was at the time. We’ve had a very long hard road. An emotional rollercoaster in itself. You see….he was my cousins friend. He came out of nowhere. He just showed up when I was still with my ex. We started out as friends. And I started falling for him even though I didn’t know how to end it with my ex. But I didn’t have to. My ex did it for me. By cheating and lying and running away from all his problems. By being who I thought I could save.

This just in… you cannot save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.

My 3rd love came so fast and so hard. It hit so damn hard. And so damn fast. my head was spinning. We started out hanging out as friends. But deep in my head I knew I wanted more. We kissed on our first day seeing eachother in months. My ex broke up with me on a big day for me… It hurt. But my friend, now husband, was there to talk to me. We talked on the phone so much. So often. Texted all the time. He was older. by 2 years. The first guy I had been with that was more than 11 months older than me.

I was in awe that he liked me. That he even wanted to kiss me. To spend time with me. To be with me. He consumed so much of my thoughts.

But then tragedy struck. We lost someone that was so close to both of use.

I retreated into myself. I hid my thoughts. My heartbreak. I hid how hurt I was that my friend, my cousin, my confidant was gone. I would never be able to pick up the phone and call him again.

My husband…. I am not too sure what happened. He was broken. That was his best friend. But what I did notice was that another friend was creeping into his life. a toxic friend. A horrid friend. My husband didn’t notice because he was still too blindsided from the loss of his friend to even see how bad this new friend was going to be.

This friend encouraged the lying, the talking to other girls.. This friend encouraged him to leave me. He came in between us. I was destroyed.

But it has a happy ending. I promise. Because if it didn’t…he wouldn’t be my husband. But he is. We wouldn’t have two beautiful daughters. He finally opened his eyes. Now that friend is no longer in either of our lives even though they keep trying to push and shove their way in.

I am sorry guys, I am ranting and raving again.

You see…. the first 2 guys in my life and the first 2 and a half (out of 9) years with my husband scarred me.

They made my anxiety worse.

They made my trust minimal.

They made my belief diminish.

They made loving me hard.

I have always been a deeply emotional person. I have always wore my emotions on my sleeves. I have always been able to feed off others emotions even when I never wanted to.

Loving me is…..hard.

…….

but it’s not impossible