Days that make you

Life is hard. It doesn’t matter if you’re a mom, a young mom, a dad. Have mental illness. Or anything else. Life is always going to be hard. not all the time but there are going to be moments in your life that are just harder than others. But those days that are really hard, are the days that make you.

As a mom who had kids at a very young age, first one being born right before I turned 20, and a sufferer of anxiety, life tends to seem harder than not… Or at least the anxiety disorder would make me feel like its extremely hard. You know the saying, make a mountain out of a mole hill. Thats what my brain does. It makes a mountain out of a mole hill. Every single time.

I have a hard time accepting the fact that these are the days that teach me something. And if I look at it as a lesson learned…..then I won’t feel broken as often. The days that seem the hardest are the ones that make us. There are many days that I feel broken. beaten. bruised. just want to give up. don’t want to get out of bed. just want to sleep….

But as a mom…. I have to. I have to remember there are two beautiful amazing kids who depend on me every single moment of the day. Well not actually my 7 year old doesn’t need me as much anymore. She’s wildly independent. But there are moments she still needs me.

For instance, the other day. I just wanted to sit in the corner and cry. Bawl my eyes out and cry. My lawn mower had snapped a belt. And lowe’s didn’t have it. I could order it from Sears….but they were out of stock…. I had finally found on at Tractor Supply and had crawled my fat behind under the lawn mower and changed the belt…..but it still woudn’t start. It wasn’t even turning over. No click nothing. So I went and spent 32 dollars on a new batter thinking maybe the whole mower just wasn’t getting any juice because of the battery. So I go to the store… I live in the country…it takes a good 10 minutes to drive to the big Walmart…. got it put in and guess what…. still wouldn’t start…. UGH… Then I go inside and cannot get on the computer. Can’t watch Netflix or Youtube because my internet is out AGAIN!!! and I can’t seem to get it fixed. It was like everything was crashing at once…

But, instead of losing my cool… I went to the grocery store and bought stuff to make mini Taco Pizza’s for my husbands wrestling class. Like I told one of his buddies…. I was cooking thru my anxiety. It helps. I don’t know the exact words to describe why it helps. I let it go for the day. Let my brain work thru everything. I got the computer back to working and all of that the next day. Later that evening… I went back to work on the mower…. Turns out, one of the spark plugs had blown. And I had fixed that. We got it working…until my husband went to mow the front yard which was really high and something else went wrong. Big white cloud of smoke and mower is down again. But thats another days hassle.


There’s reason why there’s the saying ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ even your worst day will make you stronger.

Top 10 favorite movies

10. Selena

I absolutely adore this movie. And have cried at the end every single time since the very first time I watched it as a kid. Selena was an amazing person. She was beautiful with an amazing personality and a voice that was perfect. I loved the movie and still listen to her music to this day even tho I am no verse in Spanish.

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9. Dead Pool

I love Ryan Reynolds. He was born to play Deadpool and I love to watch the movies deadpool. Except they’re not kid appropriate so I have to be careful when I watch them.

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8. Anything Wolverine

I love marvel. I love all of the marvel movies, well most of them. I love Wolverine.I can watch any of the wolverine movies anytime He is one of my favorites and the fact that Hugh Jackman plays him…. Swoon. I mean just look at this gif.


7. Sweeny Todd

I love musicals as long as the story is there. This is Tim Burton and Johnny Depp. I absolutely love their collaborations and could not wait for this movie to come out on DVD and I watched it….. over and over and over and over again.


6. Benny and Joon

OMG. I loved this movie. It was so cute and I loved Johnny Depp in this movie. He was amazing. I can watch this movie over and over and never grow tired of it. This is the movie that is the reason for me knowing the song 500 miles. “I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more, just to be the man who walked a thousand miles….”

benny and june

5. Pirates of the Caribbean

I love the series, I really do. And I have seen them all. I have seen pretty much anything with Johnny Depp in it. However, the first one still holds a special place in my heart. It is the movie I went to sleep watching every night when I was in the 7th grade. It is the movie that I memorized almost every single line. It was an amazing movie. And I just adore Captain Jack Sparrow.


4. 10 things I hate about you

Gah, who didn’t love Heath Ledger?!?!?! I adored his adorable smile. His bad boy appearance. His accent. And I was a fan of Julia Stiles. I also loved save the last dance which also started Stiles. But this is one of the few movies that I can watch over and over without being tired of it. And the poem towards the end, still makes me tear up.


3. TMNT Secret of the ooze. 

Who doesn’t love a good TMNT movie??? I loved the second one even better than I did the first, the third or the remakes. I also love the fact that ernie reyes jr had a role in the movie. I also laughed hysterically at this scene in particular.


2. Drop Dead Fred

This is one of those movies that was very indie. Not a lot of people know what it was about or even ever heard of it. When I find someone who actually sees this movie, I freak out. It is really something that was dark humored.


1. Surf Ninjas

Oh this is one of those movies that not every one knows about but I loved just the same. I was infatuated with Ernie Reyes Jr. as a kid and watched this movie whenever it came on.


The best concert


Choosing a favorite concert is extremely hard. I have been fortunate enough to go to so many. It is one of the few things that I can do while being extremely anxious. Being in the big crowds is extremely shaking as well as the awful traffic that we have to go thru to get there. It is extremely awful for me. But the music is my therapy. My first concert was back when I was 14. My brother and his wife took me. It was an amazing concert and a wonderful introduction into the musical world. I saw 10 years, Mudvayne and Korn.


While Korn was pretty awesome, mudvayne is the one I was looking forward to since I had spent months since finding out I was going studying and focusing on their music. I had never been to a concert before this one and it was pretty amazing for me because it showed me into this whole new world of live entertainment. If I hadn’t had gone to this show, I don’t know if I would have had the balls to branch out to more shows.

My next concert was also with my brother. It was TOOL. They were so phenomenal. It was such a great show that you didn’t even realize you were standing for 3 hours. It was great. However, I didn’t know as many songs by them as my brother did.


He loved it so much that when they came back thru, he went right back.

My third concert came about when I was around 15 or 16. Again, with my brother and his wife. This was actually a concert that he had chosen for me to take a friend with me. Which was even more amazing. except for the fact that my friend spent most of the concert throwing up and my brother/sister were making out most of the concert. Either way, I still loved the show. We saw breaking seether, breaking benjamin and three days grace.


Now this was three days grace before the change of the lead singer. This was right after RIOT came out on the radio. Let’s just say, I lost my voice and my calf muscles were on fire from the amount of jumping. It was amazing.

However, my next concert after that was supposed to be the first concert I was supposed to be attending with my husband and we had purchased 2 tickets weeks in advance. Unfortunately, he had to go to work out of state at the time of the concert. Which happened to be right after we got married, it was a rough time. However, I needed to find someone else to go with me. So I choose my other brother, my oldest brother to go with me and we really had a great time. It was the second time that I saw Breaking Benjamin and found a new band called Young Guns. They were quite amazing and actually got a photo with the lead singer.


I went to this one thing called weenie roast in 2015. I was pregnant and sick pretty much the entire time but it was still amazing. We saw LIVE which as a 90’s kid hearing Lightning Crashes live was pretty amazing. But the thing that I will always remember is seeing Stone Temple Pilots with Chester Bennington live. It was the only time that I was able to see  Chester in person, which kind of made me very sad when I went back to that same venue earlier this week. tumblr_otep7llKxP1tknl59o1_500

Of course the concert I went to right after that was Green Day. They were flipping amazing and the one concert that I had absolutely wanted to go to for a very long time. Who doesn’t love Billie Joe Armstrong. 3648186636d5ae53e2b40d3e5657b51ce800ccc15f5c1d31f6132fec92c09fe1

Two months after Green Day was FOB and I went with my best friend. That’s Fall Out Boy for those who don’t know what it is. Which I don’t know many who don’t know who fall out boy is. That concert was amazing. It was the first concert I went to without a family member. I let loose. I danced like no one was watching. I screamed lyrics like no one was listening. I was free. And I get to go for my birthday this year which makes me so happy.


So FOB was in November and I haven’t been to another since then until this week. When we got to be apart of the last Vans Warped Tour. Where I got to see Issues. which was a fantastic experience. I was got to see new music and learn of new bands so it was a win win. I have been listening to Issues since we decided that this was a concert we were going to. So since about January. I really enjoy their music.


However, the one band that I could no wait to see was Simple Plan. I have been listening to them since I’m Just A Kid came out in 2002. I got their autograph and I got a picture with them I was so excited. I was overjoyed. I was jumping and screaming and dancing and in awe If you have never had the chance to see Simple Plan…. I strongly suggest that you do.


But which is my favorite.  I honestly cannot choose. Each concert holds specific and strong memories for me. Each event marked a special moment in my heart. They each came at a pivotal moment in my life. I wouldn’t trade any of the events I have been to and I honestly cannot say I have a favorite.

How about you? Do you have a favorite concert?

Empty Cup

I like to help anyone and everyone. It is just who I am. Honestly. My friend was a stay at home mom and her husband lost his job because he was late to work for the last time and it cause a final strike even though he had a dr note from where their child had been hurt.

So I calculated a month amount of their bills….and my husband and I gave them the money. I say my husband because I run things by him because we’re a team and he hardly ever tells me no because I have explained so many times how important it is to put good into the world.

It didn’t matter to me that we might not be able to go on vacation that summer.. It really didn’t because a vacation to the beach is not a necessity. But my friends kids having a roof and food….that is a necessity to me because I look at those boys like they’re my nephews. And I wouldn’t want to see them go without because a stupid job wouldn’t accept a doctors note for his son.

I am not trying to make myself look good. I was just providing an example of one of the times that we helped others because it is something that is important to us to help others.

I cannot count the times that I have just been there to listen for others which is actually a really hard thing for me because I am an overly empatheic person and I feel their pain. I feel all of their emotions. I draw off of others emotions. And it is pretty awful. Because feeling too many emotions from others can be draining. Both emotionally and metnally.

So if you’re that type of person who is constantly there for others. You’re the one who everyone calls. You constantly got your hand out reaching to help anyone and everyone up… Please know that you need to take time to heal yourself. You need time to decompress. you need time to refill yourself. Because you cannot fill from an empty cup.

I know that it is tempting and you feel obligated to keep going and helping others when you are barely hanging in there. I know how hard it is to say no. But you need time to get yourself back together. I hate saying no. But I have had to learn how to say no because I have come to realize that there are people out there who will keep taking from you and not care when you’re empty.

They will keep calling and begging you to come running until you’re so tired you run off the road (luckily that has never happened to me) They will berate you and yell at you and call you names because you put yourself first. But that is ok. Let them call names. Let them talk. Let them figure shit out for themselves. There is no where in the world that says you have to be their personal superhero.

And if they cannot understand that you need to get yourself back together either emotionally or metnally….did they ever really care about you?

Because my circle has become so small for this exact reason. I have cut people out and stopped helping them because they’re taking advantage of me. They just want to use me. They just want what I can offer. But when my tank is empty…when I need someone….they’re never there.

You don’t have to keep being taken advantage of. You control who you help who you see who is worthy of you.

Don’t let others tell you that they deserve to take every ounce from your cup. Because they don’t deserve anything.

I am sorry if this is a long rant. Please remember that you need to help yourself before you can help others. It is like in an airplane. They tell you to put your oxygen mask on first before helping others. That is the same in everyday life. If you’re exhausted mentally, physicall and emotionally you do not have to help anyone else. You have to recharge your batteries because you are so important.

Just as important

We live in an age where being fit and having the perfect body is what you’re supposed to do. I remember being a teen looking at all these magazines thinking I was the fattest cow in the history of teen girls because I didn’t look like that.

Because I was fat. Because I was chunky. Because I wasn’t a size 0.

And as I grew up, this ideal of stick thin is still constantly being pushed down our throats like some sort of medicine that we need. There is no spoon full of sugar to make that ever okay.

Yes, if you are a size 0 it is okay. It’s perfectly fine. But if you’re not a 0, that is okay too.

What society is doing to an entire generation is causing mental issues because we are not who we see on the cover of magazines. And what those magazines don’t tell you….is a lot of the time they use photoshop to gain the perfect picture. To remove cellulite, to remove blemishes, to make their arms and legs skinner and to make them tanner.

We’re promoting this stick figure as the perfect physical health. That if we exercise more and eat better than we can obtain this idealistic perfect physical health that makes us look like that.

Uhm, no thank you.

Because what you’re promoting is turning an entire generation into low self esteem kids who might turn to anerxic methods or bulemic methods to obtain that idea of perfect. Which is causing so much more mental issues than not. And what this promotion doesn’t do is provide information on how to do things that won’t cause mental damage. They’re not providing methods to make sure that our mental health is okay. they’re pushing that physical health is more important than mental health and it is not.

Being a chunky is okay.

Let me repeat that. BEING CHUNKY IS OK. in case you didn’t read that.

Your mental health is just as important as your overall physical health. Because how are you going to be happy wearing a size 4 if you damaged your mental well being by convincing yourself that you won’t be pretty until you are that size?!?

Okay….now I am fat. I really am. According to the doctor’s charts I am obese. But hey…. having 2 kids in 5 years and a major car accident during a pregnancy which cause back and hip issues make things hard to do. Certain exercises I cannot do because it is just too painful. I am trying to lose weight. I am about 4 sizes away from where I was in high school so I am working on it

But I am that point in my life where I would rather keep my physical and mental health equal. that doesn’t mean that I am okay being fat. What that means is that I am not going to obsess over being thin to the point that looking at myself and seeing all the fat and cellulite and stretch marks will make me hate myself. Which I mean I already have a low self esteem but I don’t believe that losing a crap ton of weight will make my self esteem any better.

Which is what a lot of people are doinng these days. They think hey if I just lose this weight, if I just lose 50 more pounds then I will be happy, I will be more confident. It won’t happen that way.

If you have that type of mind set, you will always be miserable with yourself and your mental health will only decline.

I know this seems like a big rant about the media portrayal of healthy. But I promise its not.

What I am trying to say is that in your journey to a healthier you…take time to make sure that your mental health is okay too. Because if you’re just focusing on your outer appearance… your inner self might be breaking….

Mental health is just as important as physical health.

Searching for those like me

I hate attention.

Literally hate being the center of attention

I avoid it at all possible.

I have suffered alone for many, many years.

So I know how depressing it can be to have a panic attack and NO ONE notices. NO ONE cares.

I get it.

And honestly…. I hate feeling like I am alone. I hate feeling like no one understands me.

Luckily, as my circle grew smaller from those who only used me… I found one friend who suffers with anxiety, depression, panic attacks and PTSD. We balance each other I think. We listen to each other. Literally.  If I stop at her house when I’ve had an anxiety attack… I end up staying there for goodness 2 to 3 hours just from talking. and our conversations drift to random topics so seamlessly.

But I am getting off topic….that darn attention thing again.

What I have been doing since Chester Bennington passed is searching Twitter.

You see….When Kurt Cobain died….The world saw a massive number of copy cat suicides. Because they felt that if Cobain couldn’t make it…then how could they. Right? It is hard to see one of your idols who you relate to leave us in such a traumatic way. It is awful.

Linkin Park spoke to me thru so many situations. I remember being 9 years old listening to them on MTV. Chester was so pretty (and it hurts to say was, I keep wanting to say is)  His vocal ability was so inspiring. I mean here is this guy who can sing and then scream with such ease. The words he sang….I could relate to many things that I personally went thru growing up. Even now… I can listen to these old songs and relate them to things that I see or feel today.

You see, I am the type of person who feels music. I don’t just hear a beat and hear some random words. I feel them. I can listen to a song a million times if it speaks to me. If it moves me emotionally.

(I feel like I have said this before. and if I have… I am sorry)

So since we lost Chester in July. I been looking for people on Twitter who express their mental health. Especially those who feel alone. Those who are experiencing panic attacks or feeling depressed. And just letting them know. Hey, you are not alone. I am sending positive thoughts your way.

Typically I just simply say ‘sending positive thoughts your way’ It is a simple and easy way that I can spread kindness. That I can let them know they are not alone. There are others out here that feel the same way.

Now I am not posting this to gain any attention.

My sole purpose is that well I have about 96 followers now. Which I am ecstatic about. Thank you guys. I am more thankful that you could ever know. But if each one of you guys searches twitter for any mental health condition and just let one person know that they’re not alone, that you’re thinking about them….Then maybe…just maybe…we will be that closer to making it easier to talk about our issues.

How is it that a patient with heart failure gets sympathy but those suffering with a chemical imbalance gets shunned? Now please don’t read that the wrong way. My dad had heart failure. He had 3 heart attacks before he passed. I feel for everyone who has anything going on in their life (that’s the overly empathetic part of me again.) But I also don’t think it is right that we who suffer a mental illness should feel like we have to suffer alone because the world cannot show an ounce of empathy to what we may be going thru on a daily basis.

So what do you say guys???? Will you send a tweet to a random person letting them know that you are thinking about them?? That they’re not suffering alone? That there are others like them???

P.S I love you



Okay…. I admit… I love this movie. I really do and the book makes you cry too.

And it is a scary topic to think about. You want to cry. I mean especially if you have a mental illness…..

In my case. Death terrifies me. I am worried about how my kids will live on and my husband. What if I die before my mom. Could she handle it? What if they are devastated to the point that they cannot cope. I wouldn’t want my kids to feel that way. I would want them to be strong. But I couldn’t guarantee that if I was dead. This is something I fear a lot. Like I want them to remember me. I want to be with them forever.

But other than my kids…. who else would remember me? No one. I am not a memorable person. I have had no big impact on this world. Hell, you guys might not even know what I look like.

But as usual I am off topic… to an extent. Damn attention span.

Now I watched the movie before I read the book and I just can’t logically comprehend the logistics of this story.

For one. aren’t the characters made out to be barely making it financially? Then how could Gerry plan such extravagant plans after his death.

Now I can understand the letters. That can be written well in advance and plans can be made with people to disperse them at certain times. But the trip to Ireland. If you’re considering the financial standings that they’re supposed to be in…. Then how could Gerry plan such a trip to Ireland. I mean I would literally like to know. I would love to go to Ireland and just listen to the Natives talk. I would never come home. That accent is like angels whispering in your ear. Irish and Scottish  are my two accent weakness….and Hugh Jackman but he’s from Australia… so he’s an exception.

I do love the movie and I love the book. I mean I am a hopeless romantic at heart. However, I find it kind of insensitive how fast she dealt with this tragic death and how fast it was pushed for her to move on romantically. Honestly. I mean if anything happened to my husband. I would probably take years and years and years before I could possibly move on. Even that would be incredibly difficult to deal with. I mean I’ve been with this man for 9 years. And I knew I wanted to marry him six months into our relationship.

I understand this is the movie business and they only have so many minutes to tell their story but the tie line for grieving a husband drives me insane.

Just another random rant