Love about yourself

When you have anxiety, you sometimes forget about the things that you love about yourself. Instead, your anxiety is like this little devil that resides inside your head that tells you all of the things that is wrong with you. So sometimes you need to remind yourself about things you love about yourself. So in a self care journal…. remember to write at least one entry about what you love about yourself.

So here is mine…..

1.) I love how dedicated I can be to my family and friends. I have always been this kind of over the top motherly person. I will go to the ends of the earth for those I care about. It is an amazing quality to have. However, that little devil inside my head is constantly questioning how it appears to others. Am I too overbearing? Am I coming off too strong? Am I coming off too bad? However, I need to constantly remind myself that being a dedicated, loving person is a great quality.

2.) Perfectionism. I have a tendency to get stuck on a project until I get it right. Til I get it perfect. I have an OCD type of mannerism with almost everything I do. I will sit there and work at it til I get it done right. Again, the little devil in my head says that I just can’t ever get anything right. That all I am ever going to do is mess things up and waste money, etc. So sometimes, I just need to remind myself that paying attention to the little details and working to make things perfect is a good quality. It means that I take pride in my work.

3. ) Food. I love that I can cook. I grew up living on tv dinners, ramen and potatoes. We rarely had a home cooked meal. So the fact that I can read a recipe and later recreate it without going back to the recipe is a great thing for myself and my family. I love that my kids don’t have to rely on junk food. That I can cook food that is not only great tasting but that I can sneak veggies into it without my kids knowing or tasting. I love that I can win people over just by sending them food. I didn’t really know the people in my husband’s training class. However, most of them adore me from my cooking. The only thing the little devil tells me is that maybe something is seasoned properly or maybe someone won’t like this or that. But that is few and far between because I know my food is good because my husband eats multiple helpings of it every night.

4.) Planning. Mostly meal planning. I can sit down every month and plan out an entire month of dinners. I can plan it out and then make a grocery list and then go shopping and end up with a month worth of dinners with under $400 spent for the month. I love that I can sit down and write it up. I love that I can plan a menu and I love that I have all the bills planned out and know how much is coming out of the check every week. I love that I can plan out pretty much everything. I have a calendar on the wall right off the garage where I have all the dinners listed so everyone know’s what we’re going to eat every night. I have listed the days that my daughter is going to be taking lunch for the month. I literately plan out every little detail. There is not anything the little devil says in regards to planning. It is once I start planning and seeing how much is being paid out or what needs to be paid is when the anxiety starts to set in.

5.) Being early. I have this thing where being on time or late gives me this awful anxiety. I freak out if I am late or if I am close to being late. This is anywhere. I don’t like my kids being late for school, or events or even just if we have something planned with family. I just cannot be late. Ever. It is hard to do when my husband is incredibly slow. He is late to almost everything. He takes forever to get motivated or moving. And it drives me insane. The little devil tells me that people think I am weird or awful for always showing up early. I will literately show up early anywhere and just sit in the car til it is almost time to go in. Like at school for my oldest, I get there at 1 even tho she doesn’t get out til 2:30. I sit there for an hour and a half because I like to be first. I don’t want my kid to sit and wait for me or feel like I am not coming. I actually get a lot done in the hour an a half like school work, meal planning, budget planning, etc.

So there is my list of five things that I love about myself. I would love to hear yours.

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Work and anxiety

 

Okay so I have been looking for a job from home for a few months and ironically last month I got one. I was so shocked and excited. It felt like the miracle that we need. I started getting a little anxious because it would be a change for my kids since for the past 2 and a half years they have been use to mommy being there the entire time.

But this anxiety did not outweigh the need that I need to provide some type of financial input in my family because not doing so makes me even more anxious. The girls will still have me in the morning and their daddy in the evening. I figured we would and could figure this all out.

So training was supposed to start last week. I got thru day one and was annoyed because a lot of the other people in training were not able to get find what they needed and it took four hours to learn how to clock in. So that kind of annoyed me. But I am an inpatient person. But I was fine. I was excited to be working again. I was even more excited that I was able to do so at home.

So the second day comes and my karma for being annoyed in the first day and now I have internet issues. It completely shuts down and shuts me out of training. It took me an hour to get it back running and then I couldn’t get back into training because the time frame to access it….was over. So then the teacher calls and she’s not happy with me. And then she makes sure to tell me it was a one time courtesy that my training would be rescheduled for this week.

Fine. That is just fine. I got paid for the two days that I tried and everything. Alright. So now I had the whole weekend to get geared up for training to start again. Got the computer up the headsets up. Tested my internet speeds a million times. Everything is good. Comes time for the meeting to start. I can get in and see everyone there.

But.

I cannot connect to the audio for anything. I literally spent 2 hours on the phone with the technical department and they could not see why it would not do anything. My head set was working. My computer was acknowledging the headset but the Webinar was not allowing me to connect.

So.

My instructor blamed my computer or my headset. I tried both usb headsets that I own and they both work but still couldn’t connect. So she calls me and tells me as a courtesy I can rejoin again tomorrow. But I should take my computer to the shop and get it looked at. That it was my fault.

So she clocks me out for the day

And I feel like a complete failure.

And I am so going to get fired because for some awful reason I cannot seem to be able to get thru training.

I thought this was my miracle.

I thought this was going to be good.

I thought this was going to save me from actually working with people in retail so that I won’t be so dang anxious all the time.

I guess I was wrong.

 

Need a Break

My anxiety consists of my brain never turning off. I can ask my husband what he’s thinking about and he’ll say nothing. But if he asks me….there is always something.

Actually, if I am being honest, my thoughts are pretty ADHD. There is always multiple things on my mind.

Like right now…. I am thinking about my father in law and that thought isn’t too pretty at the moment. I am thinking about how we still haven’t spread my dads ashes. I need to go grocery shopping. I need a nap. Stupid allergy’s to milk (and no its not tummy issues, my allergy makes me itchy…really itchy) How I was so careless to consume so many milk based products on such in such a short time period. I am thinking about school and how am I going to finish paying for it. Since I pretty much ran out of financial aid for it. I am freaking out about the upcoming warped tour because its so many people in a small facility. I am thinking about if I am a good enough parent, friend, wife, child.

And all that is running in my head right now. My attention span is really small. Like really short. Shorter than a fuse. In the 10th grade my Algebra 2 teacher use to switch subjects every 3-5 minutes. One day, a student asked why and she told them it was because of me. Because if she spent any more than 10 minutes on a problem, she would lose my attention.

Everyone always say they need a vacation from their life. To go away to the beach and be free of their problems for just a little bit.

Unfortunately, even when I am on vacation I am constantly overthinking, over analyzing every single thing. Even if I am 3 hours away from home. My mind is consumed with what is going on. What I will need to do when I get home

Yes, a vacation to the beach would be nice. But what I really need is a vacation, a break from my own thoughts.

I would love to know what it was like to not think about anything even if it was just for a few moments. I hate it. Honestly, I do. Because the more I think about something, the more anxious I become. My brother always tells me ‘well don’t think about it’. If only it was that easy. I try to mediate. I tried yoga. I tried taking walks. I tried the showers and the baths. I have tried everything. And I can never turn my thoughts off.

Is there some way to create an off switch??? I wish I knew. Cause I could really use a break.

#Lyrics Scars-Papa Roach

 

I tear my heart open
I sew myself shut
My weakness is
That I care too much
My scars remind us
That the past is real
I tear my heart open
Just to feel

Drunk and I’m feeling down
And I just want to be alone
I’m pissed cause you came around
Why don’t you just go home
‘Cause you channel all your pain
And I can’t help you go fix yourself
Your making me insane
All I can say is

I tear my heart open
I sew myself shut
My weakness is
That I care too much
Our scars remind us
That the past is real
I tear my heart
Open just to feel

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That your drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassion’s in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

I tear my heart open
I sew myself shut
My weakness is
That I care too much
Our scars remind us
That the past is real
I tear my heart
Open just to feel

I’m drunk and I’m feeling down
And I just want to be alone
You shouldn’t ever came around
Why don’t you just go home?
‘Cause your drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn’t understand
But you didn’t understand
You fix yourself

I can’t help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I’m sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can’t help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I’m sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

I tear my heart open
I sew myself shut
My weakness is that
I care too much
Our scars remind us
That the past is real
I tear my heart
Open just to feel

I tear my heart open
I sew myself shut
My weakness is that
I care too much
Our scars remind us
That the past is real
I tear my heart open
Just to feel

 

Oh my god. I remember when this song came out. And it doesn’t matter how old it is….it always seems to have a meaning with me. Like recently. I have been feeling like I was being used. A person would only call or text when they wanted me to pay for something. It started out as a friendly thing. I wanted to help. I am compassionate. Helping is in my nature. I would literally give my last dollar. But it got to the point where I was only getting messages about helping…So, even tho it killed me I stopped helping. And guess who I don’t hear from…yeah…

Scars.

I tear my heart open…every single time.

Before that it was someone else. There is always someone that I can relate to this song. The song deals with trying to always fix someone elses problems. No matter what pain it causes you. It is  pretty much my anthem. Unfortunately… 😦

What a smile hides

 

In life, there are people who actively choose to not understand mental health at all. This is where the stigma lies, in my opinion. It’s like they just want to see that everyone is normal. And if you’re not normal, then you are just plain crazy.

So how do we tell anyone what is wrong? What our demons are like? It is hard for me to tell people when I am feeling anxious. They all look at me like I am crazy. Like why would I be so nervous or anxious? That I shouldn’t have anything to be afraid of. It is times like these, where you know people are intentionally judging you. Because they won’t understand. Because they think you are crazy. Because you just want attention. Because you are faking it.

Because of this….I mostly pretend.

It is quite amazing what a smile can hide. A smile can hide your pain. A smile can hide your anxiety. A smile can hide your demons. When you add make up to the mix, you can even hide your tears.

This stigma filled world has everyone looking through rose colored glasses. They don’t want to really look past my smile. They actively ignore any signs. They actively want to believe that my smile means I am normal. I am normal. But my normal isn’t their normal. And I am perfectly fine with that. I wouldn’t want to be so naive to not see the mental health in the world. I wouldn’t want to be so naive to think that everyone who has a problem is crazy. What is Normal anyway?