Day 8

 

Okay so I thought this squat challenge was going to be a good thing. I thought it was going to be fun. The video didn’t show exactly how much you feel it in your thighs.

And trying to find time to fit in 100 squats every single day when you’re running around like a chicken with your head cut off…. Is not very easy.

I am actually getting anxiety from needing to get all of the squats in.

But then I did the string test. As I said the other day. I cut strings to meet ends exactly around my thighs and around my behind.

So below you will see the end of the string. and then you’ll see the red mark which is where the other end of the string meets. It is progress. My thighs are showing more progress than my butt. However, it is still a small victory for me so I’ll take it.

 

 

 

I should have stayed in bed

So yesterday was not a good day. Like at all. And I only have myself to blame. which I shouldn’t right? I mean bad days happen. It’s apart of life. But my anxiety makes me think that I did everything wrong. That everything is my fault.

So I woke up with the crud. Yeah. It is going around pretty bad and I thought that maybe, just maybe I would be exempt from it. But nope. It hit me full force yesterday. And I really should have seen it coming. I mean the baby has a cold and the older one had strep last week. So it was inevitable that it would hit me. Thankfully it’s just a head cold and not strep. Since I catch strep so easily.

So instead of sleeping in, my body decided it needed to get up at 6 AM on a Sunday. Thank you body. Instead of cooking breakfast, which honestly would have been the cheaper route, I decided hey I wanna go out and get Hardees. It rained all day Sunday. All flipping day. It is winter still. The stupid groundhog saw or didn’t see his shadow so we’re stuck with six more weeks of winter and we have freezing rain. So much rain that we have huge puddles in the middle of the road.

So I am driving and I feel like my breath stinks. I grab a piece of gum, eyes never leaving the road because I knew I had a stick of gum in my cup holder within reach. We live like 20 mins away from Hardees in the country. So I get tired of the gum and decide to throw it out. I roll the window down and this car is coming straight towards me.

And they hit a puddle.

When my window is down.

So I get hit with the biggest splash of freezing cold rain water thru my window and all over my windshield that I have lost sight of the road.

Thankfully that it was only me and the other car on that road at the time.

I should have taken this as an omen to go back home and stay in bed.

Really I should have just stayed in bed.

So I bring home the food and we eat. I decide I am going to be lazy and eat in my lovely warm and cozy bed because I feel like crap. After we all get done eating I decide to lay down and watch TV. That’s when I hear my husband up and cleaning.

So I feel guilty. Because as a stay at home mom I feel like it is my job to clean and cook and take care of the kids while my husband works a very hard warehouse job. So when he is on his only day off and he’s cleaning, I feel like I have failed at my only job. I feel like crap. Not just because I am sick but because my husband, who is a hardworking man should be able to relax on his day off and instead he is cleaning.

Now I know that he’s doing this so that I can relax, so that I can take a sick day. But that’s not how my mind works. I felt guilty that he’s doing so much when he should be able to kick back, relax and play his video games. I felt bad. So, even though I am coughing my head off and sick, I get up to clean. We have had sickness in our home. So I felt this would be the opportune moment to deep clean the house. Which means steaming all the non carpet floors and using the carpet cleaner on the rugs.

I lent my carpet cleaner out a few months ago to my brother. But he never used it. So it just sat in their spare room for months. So it should have been fine right? Nope! I go into our daughters room with all intentions of deep cleaning and disinfecting. I pull the trigger that sprays the cleaning solution on the floor. I let go of the trigger and pull the machine backwards to find.

It wasn’t sucking the liquid up.

At all.

Nothing.

So now I have his awfully big wet floor and no way to get the liquid up. I am livid. I should have stayed in bed.

But we have had that thing for over 4 years. It has been thru everything. My oldest potty training and having accidents. Many puke incidents. My youngest diaper explosions. Our old dogs accidents (she was a very old dog and she passed away a year ago) It has cleaned up spills and splats. It deep cleaned when the flu hit. I mean this thing was used. but I wasn’t thinking that rationally yesterday. Nope.

But I didn’t cry.

I fussed about it not working. For a good 20 minutes.

Then, I get my shoes on and my hoodie and head out the door. To get a new cleaner.

Yay, more money spent.

I am not a fan of spending money. I always feel guilty every time I spend money. Because I am not working. I am maintaining a house and a busy schedule, all the bills, all the cooking. Everything that doesn’t include my husband’s job.

The store was fine. I mean other than spending money. Everything else was fine. I can deal with people who think the whole aisle belongs to them when they stop to talk to the person they see every single day like its the first time that they have seen them in 10 years.

I come home and clean my floors. Oh my gawd. I thought that these floors were clean. They looked clean. But that is the thing about carpets. They can look clean but deep down they are dirty. way dirty. See I just moved into this house almost a month ago and because of everything hitting at once, we by passed cleaning the floors. I mean they’re almost white floors like an off white and you would be able to see dirt right? But the cleaner really got the dirt and grime out of it. Could have been from when we moved in since we were in and out a lot.

Next was steam cleaning the floors in the kitchen, laundry room and bathrooms.  That wouldn’t have been so bad if my toddler didn’t decide this was the time she was going to be underneath my foot steps every second. It always seems that around nap time she decides to be the biggest thorn in my side. But still it was fine.

My oldest had spent the night at my moms. So I had to get her yesterday so she could get ready for school. But because it took 3 hours for my husband to get an oil change ( I did not want to take my toddler out in the crummy weather because of her cold) I didn’t get my oldest when I wanted to. Instead, I got her later. I was annoyed because he didn’t text. Because when he says he’s on his way and its an hour later and I haven’t heard from him. I worry. I stress. I freak out. I should have just stayed in bed.

We get back home and pick out the clothes for the week. Yes I am that kind of parent. We pick out the school clothes and have them in a storage tub that has 5 drawers every Sunday. It is almost 6 pm. We are usually eating by now. So I am feeling crummy that dinner is not on the table. That I am just now cooking.

It’s now 7 pm and dinner is not done. It is not cooking right. I didn’t do something right. It just isn’t doing what it is supposed to. Now it is 8pm and dinner still isn’t done. My oldest bed time is 9 pm and she hasn’t had dinner and hasn’t had a bath and dinner isn’t done.

The top is starting to burn and the underneath is still gooey. I feel like a failure. I am so anxious and depressed that I, for one day, am not living up to my job. Living up to my promise. Living up to the standard that I set for myself every single day. I should have stayed in bed.

In an anxious, depressed, pissed state I take the dinner out and plop it on the stove. Pissed that its not done. Pissed that I just wasted food. Wasted money. Wasted time. And tell my husband to fix the kids whatever they want for dinner. That I am going to bed. I was upset.

I should have stayed in bed.

And this morning. I wake up and feel this massive amount of guilt. All over. I was the worst me yesterday and I feel like crap. Maybe if I had just stayed in bed and let my husband be the hero things wouldn’t have fallen apart. I wouldn’t feel this guilty. I wouldn’t be in this mood. But no. I felt guilty that he was doing my job and got up when I should have just stayed in bed.

 

Thank you for allowing me to share my story. This is me. In a vulnerable state.

Keeps you up

 

I don’t sleep a lot, or very well for that matter. The bags under my eyes are so bad. They’re growing up the side of my nose. I’m starting to look like a panda….or like I have 2 black eyes.

So what better than a post about what keeps you…or me… up at night.

If you suffer from a mental illness, you can probably agree you don’t get enough sleep. It sucks, unfortunately

There are many things that keep me up at night. Sometimes I just can’t get comfortable. I was in a car wreck a few years ago and my back hasn’t been the same since. There are just some days where it just hurts too bad for me to get any type of sleep.

Some nights (most nights) My ind refuses to shut off. I’m constantly thinking and since I have such a bad view of myself… I usually think about what I could have possibly done wrong…or what I could do better. Sometimes I just wish I could get more sleep….better sleep.

When you add kids into the mix… well you stay up even more. Either you’re worried about them or they’re sick….or sometimes they just don’t want to go to sleep….

 

So what keeps you up at night?

Be remembered 

 

Death is always a hard thing to talk about. For me….I have always taken death very hard. I’m a big crybaby I can’t help it. I’m just and overly emotional person.

So when anyone passes away, you sit around and remember them. Things they did or said or maybe how they were in general. But what would you want to be remembered for?

Death scares the living crap out of me. I cry just thinking ‘what if something happened to me? What would happen to my kids? What would I be remembered for? What if they remember me as someone different than I had hoped?

Honestly, I hope they would remember how much I loved them. How I always tried so hard to help anyone. How much I loved my ids and what Kind of mother I am. If I am not remembered for anything else… I just want to be remembered for how I am with my girls because they are my life. This journal topic is very deep and emotional…

 

What would you want to be remembered for?

#Lyrics Never Enough-Papa Roach

 

Life’s been sucked out of me
And this routine’s killing me
I did it to myself
Again I said this would not be
Somebody put me out of my misery
Expression, stimulation
Hollow sense of myself
I did it to myself again
Somebody put me in my place
Never enough, Never enough
Do I deserve what I got?
Now everything’s okay
There’s nothing wrong with me
This seems unnatural
To me I’d say in every way
Somebody kick me in the face
Now something’s wrong with me
I’m bleeding profusely
And this seems natural
To me I fuck up everyday
Somebody put me in my place
Never enough, Never enough
Do I deserve what I got?
Never enough, Never enough
Do I deserve what I got?
What I got, what I got
What I got, what I got
I feel as if I’m running
Back to where I started
You ask what’s wrong with me
And I say nothing
Is everything okay?
Is something wrong with me?
Pushing and pulling feelings
Eternal my heart is yours
I feel as if I’m running
I feel as if I’m running
I feel as if I’m running
Run
Life will knock me down!
Never enough, Never enough
Do I deserve what I got?
Never enough, Never enough
Life will knock me down!
This is a song about a depressed individual feeling over whelmed in life. And lets be honest….we all get overwhelmed. I know I do. I mean for the past couple of months we’ve been looking to move. and well packing and switching utilities and changing address…the whole 9 yards is very stressful….and then well I haven’t had a whole lot of sleep lately. So I have been feeling run down…dragged out….overwhelmed.  As a mom… I feel like I am never enough…. As a wife… I feel like i am never enough. A daughter, a sister a friend. There are just some days that I do not feel like I am ever enough.

#Lyrics Believer-Imagine Dragons


First things first

I’ma say all the words inside my head
I’m fired up and tired of the way that things have been, oh ooh
The way that things have been, oh ooh
Second thing 
Second, don’t you tell me what you think that I can be
I’m the one at the sail, I’m the master of my sea, oh ooh
The master of my sea, oh ooh

I was broken from a young age
Taking my sulking to the masses
Write down my poems for the few
That looked at me took to me, shook to me, feeling me
Singing from heart ache from the pain
Take up my message from the veins
Speaking my lesson from the brain
Seeing the beauty through the

You made me a, you made me a believer, believer
(Pain, pain)
You break me down, you build me up, believer, believer
(Pain)
I let the bullets fly, oh let them rain
My life, my love, my drive, it came from
(Pain)
You made me a, you made me a believer, believer

Third things third
Send a prayer to the ones up above
All the hate that you’ve heard has turned your spirit to a dove, oh ooh
Your spirit up above, oh ooh

I was choking in the crowd
Living my brain up in the cloud
Falling like ashes to the ground
Hoping my feelings, they would drown
But they never did, ever lived, ebbing and flowing
Inhibited, limited
‘Til it broke up and it rained down
It rained down, like

You made me a, you made me a believer, believer
(Pain, pain)
You break me down, you built me up, believer, believer
(Pain)
I let the bullets fly, oh let them rain
My life, my love, my drive, it came from
(Pain)
You made me a, you made me a believer, believer

Last things last
By the grace of the fire and the flames
You’re the face of the future, the blood in my veins, oh ooh
The blood in my veins, oh ooh
But they never did, ever lived, ebbing and flowing
Inhibited, limited
‘Til it broke up and it rained down
It rained down, like

You made me a, you made me a believer, believer
(Pain, pain)
You break me down, you built me up, believer, believer
(Pain)
I let the bullets fly, oh let them rain
My life, my love, my drive, it came from
(Pain)
You made me a, you made me a believer, believer

 

This is a song about dealing with emotional problems. It is about rising above that and finding a place of perspective where pain can become strength… As someone with anxiety its a song that hits home when I just want to try to find a song that expresses my need to find peace.

Celebrity crushes

So this blog has been so much about what anxiety is and how we feel. Also, about the world against us. But I thought you all should get to know me better. So I’m making a little change.

Although, I am still a big advocate for breaking the stigma. I am also going to start posting journal topics and invite you to use the topics as well. And as always, please feel free to leave a comment, like and share.

Today’s topic is…. Celebrity crushes…the top 3. This is actually hard because I like so many. I go gaga. I try to tell my husband its better to be crazy over a celebrity than someone in town. (I would never encourage cheating. EVER) My celebrity crushes change a lot …that’s not true. I have a long list it is just my top that change. And the crushes aren’t in like a dirty way. A lot of them are either because of their personality, a character they play or their accent.

  1. Johnny Depp. I have been a big fan of Johnny Depp for 13 years. I love the McQuaid brothers … Jack Sparrow. Sweeny Todd. He’s so versitile…. (I do not want a discussion in regards to his divorce about Amber Heard. I don’t agree with domestic violence but I also don’t think he really did it…this is coming from the fact that she’s been arrested for domestic violence in the past and I have seen someone give themselves a black eye to get the other person arrested…add fame and money and people do crazy things…also you should never provoke someone when their mom dies….)
  2. Robert Downey JR. TEAM IRON MAN all the way. Love Iron man. He is my go to Avenger him and Mark Ruffalo.
  3. Jason Ritter…. I grew up with my mom watching Threes company all the time. So I remember watching John Ritter go from that to 8 Simple Rules. Then I watched Raise your voice…not too long after John Ritter passed and Jason’s character dies in a car crash… I bawled my eyes. And he was just so loveable as an older brother. It made me think of losing my brothers which made me cry. Then Jason came out with a new TV show that I never miss a week of if I can help it. It’s called Kevin probably saves the world. If you haven’t seen it yet…. I suggest you do. Its so good and he’s just so adorable.

 

So…who are your top 3.

*Side note.. my top 3 will change…they always do…