Perfection

 

Perfection and mental health. It is something that isn’t all to uncommon. I am pretty sure that everyone that suffers from mental health struggle with perfection. And it is harder when you know that you’re not normal. That there is something unbalanced in your brain. It’s not perfect.

 

My thing is… I like things done perfectly. Which is why helping my kid with a project that involves artsy stuff, I get very anxious. I am no where near an artsy person. I cannot draw. I cannot see a blank canvas and envision anything other than a blank canvas. Well that isn’t exactly true. I can imagine what it should look like but the execution isn’t my best quality…. Whenever, I try to do anything, it is never the way I imagine. However, when it comes to photography. I am great at that. I take some really great photos and I can edit them to look amazing. I love editing and that is why I started editing with a company called Mendr.

So when it comes to getting other things done, like a project or anything. If it is not perfect, my anxiety flies thru the roof. I just cannot cope. And it is really sad. Because I don’t like my kids to see me be that way. Which is usually why I excuse myself to go take a shower or I say that I need to go t the store so I can freak out without them seeing. However, sometimes my mind doesn’t comprehend that I need to excuse myself and have a little meltdown right where I was standing.

And the fact that I cannot use a hot glue gun without burning myself….turns into the mommy who uses bad words. That glue hurts like crap. And I don’t even see how I burn myself so much. I use all the precautions.

The perfectionist in me goes way beyond the art projects. When my house is a mess, it drives me crazy. If I have a dirty house or clothes just sitting in the dryer for days, it usually signifies that I am either having a anxious time or a depressed time. I think that’s what people really don’t understand about mental health. There are days where you just have a day of depression or anxiety. Like the other day, I started my work late because I was crying and there wasn’t any pin point to why exactly I was crying, I was just depressed and cried. So when I finally got to work and on the phone….. I said the wrong greeting. I messed it completely up. Said the wrong company. I beat myself up for the rest of the shift. I pride myself on having a customer service voice and being helpful and understanding. So when I make one little mistake, I take it seriously and personally. It is even worse when I have customers yelling at me or cussing at me when I didn’t do anything. I am just providing information.  (if you can’t tell I am a sensitive person.)

Like I said, it goes way beyond art projects and my agent at my insurance company knows this. So when he knows that I am coming in to talk about something he usually picks at me. I like the pens being one way. I also have to make sure that the cards are all aligned. It just kind of irks me when they’re not. So I’ll fix them……he’ll mess them up again. It is a silent battle that we have during the whole time I am there. He gets a kick out of it. But he’s not mean about it. So I don’t feel like he’s making fun of me. He’s actually trying to make me feel more comfortable with him so in case I really need my insurance company in the event of a wreck or something, I won’t feel so scared to call, like I was during my last wreck.

Does anyone else feel the uncontrollable need to be a perfectionist and when it isn’t perfect your anxiety/depression kicks up.

#Lyrics Perfect-Simple Plan

Hey, Dad, look at me
Think back, and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I’m wasting my time
Doing things I want to do?
But it hurts when you disapproved all along
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I’m never gonna be good enough for
You can’t pretend that I’m alright
And you can’t change me
‘Cause we lost it all
Nothin’ lasts forever
I’m sorry I can’t be perfect
Now it’s just too late
And we can’t go back
I’m sorry I can’t be perfect
I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don’t care any more
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I’m never gonna be good enough for you
I can’t stand another fight
And nothing’s all right
‘Cause we lost it all
And nothin’ lasts forever
I’m sorry I can’t be perfect
Now it’s just too late
And we can’t go back
I’m sorry I can’t be perfect
Nothing’s gonna change the things that you said
And nothing’s gonna make this right again
Please don’t turn your back
I can’t believe it’s hard just to talk to you
But you don’t understand
‘Cause we lost it all
Nothin’ lasts forever
I’m sorry I can’t be perfect
Now it’s just too late
And we can’t go back
I’m sorry I can’t be perfect
‘Cause we lost it all
Nothin’ lasts forever
I’m sorry I can’t be perfect
Now it’s just too late
And we can’t go back
I’m sorry I can’t be perfect
The drummers parents weren’t supportive of his career choice so he and the lead singer wrote this song to prove that they could make it and to say sorry.
But to fans…. it took a much more deeper meaning. It was more. It was every teenage angst feeling.  I know it is how I felt a lot through my puberty years. My teenage years. My so called rebellion years (I wasn’t that rebellious.) I wanted to be perfect but I can never be perfect. I wanted to make my mom proud. I wanted to make my brothers proud but it just wasn’t in the cards for me. I mean… I am still trying but it doesn’t hold as much disappointment as it did then. I know now that all I can do is try my best every single day.