Stop wasting time

Sometimes, you just have to accept the truth and stop wasting your time with the wrong people. I actually can use this for multiple people. Quite easily actually. And I seem like a bitch because of it. Or at least that is the word on the streets right now.

So…. lets see.

there is a certain someone in my life. Well a few certain someones who…..as the lyrics from the band ISSUES says “you only call when I wanna pay Maxed out plastic guess you’l’l be on the way” So I only hear from these certain people when they want me for something. Either they want money or they want me to do something. And I have broken my back and my bank account to help them. Literately. Gone broke helping them. when I should have said no. Should have stopped and should have let them fall instead of trying to constantly be the hero… Another ISSUES song says ‘I never said I was your GD superman” I feel that way ALOT. like ALOT!!!!!! I don’t hear from them as much. And one of them in particular, my older brother, gets upset that I have a better relationship with our other brother than I do with him. The middle brother NEVER asks me for money… EVER!!!! When he wants something…..he will text ‘hey’ and its usualy hey can you watch the boys because they gotta work or can you watch the boys so i can have a date night. (sometimes its to go christmas shopping etc) The majority of our conversations include sending youtube links back and forth for music we want the others to listen to. SERIOUSLY. I have tried that with the older brother….and he ignores me. But he’s quick to text me to ask for money or to help him with food bills gas cigs alcohol or to try to make me feel guilty beause I said NO. I went broke helping my brother and considering that I am not working and my husband is the sole bread winner.. I feel extremely guilty that we’ve gone broke helping him. Especially when my husband and brother don’t have the greatest relationship. He’s always tried to intimidate my husband especially when we got pregnant with our first. Because I’m “babysister” I think it is just time that I accept the truth… and let my brother in his 30’s fall and learnn how to fix for himself.
The other person…..is my in law and his wife.
This is a complicated story. Okay….so my brother, the middle one, worked with my FIL years ago. my brother like my FIL….. they got a long great….. And when I met him… They were quick to invite me to dinner and text me and try to make me feel like family and I was like cool. My husband (boyfriend at the time) had a dad that was accepting etc….. But my husband wasn’t too happy with them….at all. Barely talked to them anything. And I tried to get the story but my husband was like its personal its complicated its……. And while my husband wasn’t willing to let me know what was going on……my FIL and his wife were quick to let me know what they thought about my mother in law. Constantly running her name thru the mud. And I didn’t have much of a problem with it in the beginning because my MIL was the worst. She HATED me. I mean literately HATED me!!! She told her son to stop seeing me. That is how much she hated me. But as we got to know each other more. she started softening up and turned out to be not so bad.

Welll there is a backstory there. My FIL cheated on my MIl more than once. He actually got with his current wife while still married to my MIL…… so as an only child seeing all of this going on and my FIL wasn’t ever really there for my husband…never did father son activities or anything. I now understand why my husband didn’t want anything to do with his dad….. But I didn’t know that then…. So I pushed… I pushed my husband to have a relationship with his dad… I pushed him to let our kids have a relationship with his dad. All was fine until the favoritism of the oldest kid started happening. Then the FIL and his wife took a stance that it was my fault. That my husband would never treat them this way if it wasnt for me…. even though you know the wife talked mad crap about my husband when she was just the mistress….. Its all so complicated and mess and wrong. I should have stayed out of it way back then……and let my husband not have a relationship like he wanted becuase then we wouldn’t have a grown man telling the mother of his grandchildren how wrong she is and blaming her in WALMART!!!! yeah… I ran into him in the store and he repeatedly told me EVERYTHING was my fault. That my husband taking a 50B was my doing. Even though, when my husband went and took the papers I WAS AT WORK!!!! I asked him how could I have taken those papers or make your son take those out when I was at work when he took them??? His respose was…. you had to come home sometime. >.< So…..it is time that we accept the truth and stop wasting our time with very bad, very toxic people.

Labels are not for people

 

One thing that I cannot stand is when people label other people just because they do not fit into some type of mold that the original person believes in.

I love everyone equally. I do not label people and the only way that I dislike someone is based upon their attitude or how they treat others. My brothers wife goes on and on and on to anyone who will listen about how we hate her….. I don’t hate anyone. But there is also no rule book stating that I have to love or like who ever my sibling marries. That isn’t how things goes. I can dislike anyone I want. I don’t have to like everyone.

But I don’t label her. Although I do know a lot of people do…..

I don’t have a label therefore I wouldn’t want to put labels on anyone else. I am straight…. But I can admire the beauty of other woman. That doesn’t make me bi or lesbian. And it drives me insane when people think that it does. Just because I think a certain woman is beautiful or has a nice ass does not mean that I am completely attracted to said woman, or that I want to have sex with that woman. I don’t think that being able to acknowledge beauty when beauty is seen should allow others to label me.

Now that is not saying that labels have no purpose.

They are great for labeling salt and sugar. Mixing those two up would give you a great surprise when you drink your coffee. They are great for labeling powder sugar and flour. They are great for labeling cookies in jars with instructions. Labels are amazing. when they are used for that purpose.

That purpose alone.

What labels are not needed for or intended for is people.

Don’t be that person.

Don’t label everyone based upon first glance. Don’t label anyone period. you never know what they’re going thru. You never know how much your label could affect them. With all the attention being on mental illness and suicides lately, you never know if your harsh inconsiderate labels are that one thing that broke the camels back. That pushed them over the edge.

Instead of labeling them. Go hang out with them just for a little bit. Let them know that they are your friends and that it is ok that they like dragon ball z at 30 years old. Or that they like rock music but only the kind used in musicals. Or that its perfectly fine that they have a feet fetish. Take the little things that they get labeled for and bullied about and turn it into a positive. You never know how much it will mean to them.

You don’t even have to do that. Just reach out to them Don’t ask if its okay to talk. DO IT! What a lot of people don’t understand is that having a mental illness can and will keep you from reaching out for help. It will make you put that fake smile on and live up to a label. It will change you. And sometimes, being that pushy friend who just shows up… breaks the label. Listens. Is a shoulder to cry on. Just being there…..Is what we really need.

Hiding my emotions

Have you ever had someone in your life that was always in competition with you?

If your night was bad, theirs was worse. If your back hurts, their entire body hurts.

But if you’re depressed or your anxious, they didn’t understand. Or felt like you had no reason to be. Or, the worse is that they feel like your mental issues reflect them as a person.

Then there are the ones that get really uncomfortable when you talk about your mental illness. Because they don’t understand it. Or think you can simply pray it away. They think maybe you’re just making things up for attention.

Well, if you have been reading my blog these past few months… you should know…. I am not making things up. I am a champion. I am a warrior in a battle of my own mind.

But not everyone is so accepting. When you see someone you thought accepted you for everything you are and thought loved you enough to not be eh.

Yet they are the ones you can see physically getting uncomfortable.

This is where I feel like I have to hide away my impurities. My issues. My real self.

What is really sad is that I was going to make this a genearlized post. But when I started typing it….. I got this one person in my head.

The person who says they’ve been there with me my entire life. But when I try to talk about the shitty shit that happened to me…. They say I am lying.

Like when I was 5….my brother made me…not ask… made me pretend to be sick so that my mom would ask him to stay home with me. But my mom was going to my grandma’s and I really loved going to my grandmas…. but she said I couldn’t go because I was sick.

And I wanted to tell her I was lying. That my brother made me lie. And that’s when he punched me. in the eye. My first black eye was when I was 5. He told my mom that I was running tripped and hit the coffee table and I was too scared to tell her the truth. That is sad. But if you ask this person… they’ll say I made it up. Or if it really happened..why didn’t I say anything. I WAS 5!!!!

If you have been reading you know my dad passed away. According to this specific person… I didn’t lose my dad.My brother did because he knew him more than I did. They would ask how my brother was coping. How did my brother feel about it. My brother hated my dad. Like a physical hate. My other brother was inpartial. I on the other hand tried to call my dad everytime I got the chance. I tried to see him. I went down there on vacation with a friend of mine almost 9 years ago. It was right after Fathers Day and about 3 weeks before my dads birthday. We were there a week. I really wanted to see my dad. I always wanted him to want to see me. To explain why he was such an asshat. To try to be in our life. But he blew me off 3 times that entire week. But I didn’t lose my dad.

I have so many other examples. Like so many other examples. And this is why I just don’t go around certain people. Because there is no reason that I, a grown ass person, should have to hide my mental illness, my feelings and who I am to make someone else comfortable. And that is how I always felt. Like I had to pretend to be this little perfect person who said ‘yes ma’am, no ma’am’ and never ever had anything wrong with me. I felt like they wanted me to treat them as if they were my parent. and treat them the same way as I treat my mom.

Uhm, my mom is special. OKAY. I will not treat any other person as if they’re my mom.

I shouldn’t have to change the way I am now because they liked the submissve person I was.

Thats the thing. I gave birth to my first child almost 7 years ago. And there was just so much to that. My daughter was a blessing. Yes she caused my anxiety to increase because I was responsible for a whole new human. But she also allowed me to discover my inner ‘bitch’.

Before I would cower down. Hide things so that others around me would feel comfortable. I would never ever talk about my anxiety disorder to anyone but maybe 3 people including my mom. But the day my daughter was born it was like something was born inside me. I felt like I am an adult. I am a mother. And I don’t have to change who I am or bow down for anyone. I no longer follow the crowd. (actually I hate crowds, too many people)

If any of you reading this experience something similar to this, please know. You do not have to make someone else comfortable. you do not have to deny your feelings so that everyone else is comfortable. If they cannot accept the way you feel, if they cannot acknowledge that someone might have feelings that differ from theirs, then maybe they are not meant to be in your life.

And as always, which I probably don’t say enough, I am so very thankful for every single follower. I encourage comments and I will try my hardest to respond.

Sometimes its better to just stop

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I am a pessimist. I swear I am. And I don’t like to be. I really don’t. I want to see the bright side. I want to have hope. I want to see the good in situations. And I really try to get other people to see the bright side. To have hope. Because I don’t want them to feel the way I do.

Even when I want something…and hope that I can get it, there is still a voice in the back of my head that says… you’re not going to get it. Everyone is always telling me to think positive. To think positive and positive will happen. Well this is the real world. and that doesn’t happen.

These same people try to tell me to see the best in people. Like I know someone who steals a lot. and people tell me to see the best in them. that they’re funny and good hearted.. What do I tell them? that people are sometimes shitty. I don’t have to see the best in everyone all the time and I won’t. Because sometimes, people are really just shitty human beings.