What kids hear

What my kid hears versus what I as the parent hears. Now that statement could go many ways as many parents know. But this is just one story.

So my kid has been doing this project thing in class and I thougth cool its a class project as in it stays in class. they had to choose an animal, research said animal and then build an animal out of clay. Cool. Right?

Nope.

So she comes home from school yesterday and hands me her binder so I can look thru it and sign it and theres a paper in there. She has to create a habitat for the animal she has chosen.

And boy is she excited.

So what she hears is ‘a cool project where I can draw and paint and create’

But what I hear is ‘Crap I’m going to burn myself a thousand times again with the hot glue gun.’

which I have

you see she chose a dog. She loves dogs.

So the habitat that she would need would be a backyard right?

but where do dogs lay down in the back yard???

a dog house.

And how did I decide to build this dog house??? with popsicle sticks.

held together by HOT GLUE!

and I’ve only been working on this thing today and I have burned every single finger. And half the time I am not even sure how it happened and sometimes its because my kids bump into me and my and touches the hot spot or the hot glue.

Either way. My kid hears yay project and I hear ouch. Crap. Damn. Shit. Well you know the kind of vulgar that slips out of your mouth when you get hurt. its like stubbing your toe.

But I am that type of mom. I am going to keep burning myself anyway. Until it gets done.

Yeah……I might need some positive vibes haha. When I was a kid I always had my mom help because she was artistic and I’m not. But now I can’t ask her to do it because she’ll be like… nope its your turn. haha. And this is the 2nd project in less than 2 months. >.<

Try again

I swear I always feel like I am a bad person.

As the day ends, my thoughts never go to what went right or what I did good.

They constantly replay every little bad thing that I ever did.

I am a bad person

I am a bitch.

Well that last one is true.

I told my husband when we got together almost 9 years ago that ‘I am a bitch, if you cannot handle that then I don’t know if we can make this work’.

I am a bitch in the sense that I will say what I need to say for who I need to. I will do whatever needs to be done for those I love. I am a protective person by nature. So if that means that I have to be a bitch. Then so be it.

I use to be a happy person always with a smile on her face. But then that dirty, nasty demon named anxiety set in. Now I am always worried. Always feeling. Always in resting bitch face.

But being a parent. Especially such a young person. I became a mom when I was 19. I partied for 2 months before I found out I was pregnant. I was a wild teen for literally 2 months. That is it. When that test came back positive…. I knew I was done with all of the childish games. There was a child that was coming into my life that needed a mom not a teen.

But I started this journey only knowing what it is like to babysit or be an aunt.

So….

I make mistakes.

Even now that I have 2 kids. Because there are things that my six year old is like that I never learned how to cope with. I have to be the adult.

When you’re a kid you think that being an adult will be so awesome. But they never really told you what being an adult is really like.

So when the time comes that I need to lay down for bed. After I have checked on my kids for the thousandth time.. my mind plays back every mistake I made. Every little thing that I could have done differently.

But what I need to do. And what you should do, if you’re a parent, is remember that the sun will rise tomorrow. And we all can try again.

because honestly, that is all we can do. Is try. There is no gold medals for parents.

Who cares what those soccer moms think about your parenting style. It is yours. As long as your kids not some asshat then you’re doing a good job. Even if your kid is an asshat, you’re still doing a good job because you’re trying.

I mean you can be as good as a parent as you can but you cannot always determine how your kid will turn out. I mean my mom is my best friend. It has always been the two of us fighting thru poverty, homelessness and all kinds of issues. But even though she took her 3 kids out of a shitty situation with my dad and worked 12 hours a day sometimes. My brother still caused a lot of issues.

So, go a little easier on yourself. The sun is rising tomorrow and you get to start over again. You still have time to fix your mistakes and you still have time to show how much you love your kids. As long as there is still oxygen in your lungs, your heart is still beating and you can still do it. Then do it.

We may have a mental illness. We may over think. We may make mistakes. We may fall down. But we can pick ourselves up and try again.

No Instructions

As all of you know…. I have been doing this squat challenge.

Yesterday, I managed to do 100 all at once. Which was a wonderful thing. I haven’t been able to do that. I had been breaking it down into 4 sections of 25.  And I did them first thing in the morning.

Which was a victory! yay me.

But that might have been one of the 2 things that were good yesterday.

The other thing was….well I like to meal plan. I like to have extra food. Because growing up…..we really didn’t have food. Hunger is a real pain that I knew as a kid. So I typically spend most of my money stock piling food.

So Sunday, my girls are coughing and its like a bark and they’re running fevers. Only one is in school so I decided to keep her home yesterday hoping it was a simple bug that would disappear as fast as it reared its ugly little head.

Well as they’re granny (my mom) shows up to spend time with the sick kids, I decide it is the perfect day to go to the meat market because well you can buy in bulk cheap. Which I did and that is where my other victory came in because I break the down into freezer bags to store in our deep freezer. I like to buy about 2 months worth at a time so I am only making that big purchase once every two month. So I bought a little over 80 lbs of chicken and ground beef for only $258. It broke down into 40 bags of ground beef at a little over a pound per bag and 29 bags of chicken. Victory! cause if you’re trying to buy that same amount in the grocery store when you go shopping you’re looking at way more than that. I was thrilled. Because I did the math…it came down to about $3 per pound when in the store its $5 per pound roughly.

That is where my victories ended.

My youngest hasn’t pooped (sorry if that is too much information, she’s 1.) And lucky me… I ran out of apple juice and apple sauce. Which in my kids is an instant cleanser. So while I am trying to put the meat away she is constipated and crying because her stomach hurts. She is screaming. She is throwing a tantrum. Because not only is she hurting…it is wayyyy past nap time. And she is fighting her granny who is trying to love on her and help her go to sleep. I mean literally fighting. The throwing the head back scream flailing type that only kids can master.

(*Now I am not sure why I feel that this needs to be said. But whenever I do the meat market day… I sanitize my entire kitchen and wash my hands like five times before I touch meat and wash them five times when changing meat. I freak out over the possibility of contaminating my food.*)

After all the meat issues is said and done and the baby has fallen asleep I do my victory dance for 2.5 seconds. Because my dog….who was in his kennel because he tried to bite my kid and we’re trying to rehome him decided to crap all in the cage. Apparently, he’s sick. The food my kids like to slip him thru the cracks (because they still love him even tho he’s aggressive) has turned his stomach. So I shut him in the laundry room and sanitize his kennel…. Then I rush to give him a bath because who doesn’t like warm water being washed over you when you’re sick… Then it is back in the kennel for him.

Not even 5 minutes after I put him in there does he do it again. Poor dog. and poor me because everything that I had just done….has to be redone. Crap.

Now my oldest is coughing her head off, hacking up her itty bitty lungs. and I am running around like a chicken without a head. I am pushing the limit on my heart racing trying to get everything done….

Cough meds and water is provided then I give the dog another bath. Pull out my hair dryer and on low setting I dry him. Because well I am weird.

He’s back in the kennel….and starts whining. So I am like great. Let me take him out before I have to clean this cage again….. Before I can even get to him…..it happens. but this time he doesn’t get anything on him.. So good boy…

I put him in the laundry room again and sanitize the kennel again. The smell has turned my stomach by now.

The kennel is done. he’s back in.

Okay, maybe I can sit down for two minutes.

Nope. he starts whining. By this time the baby is up. She can’t breathe thru her nose. Its so full of mucus. She’s barking away. So because she’s only a year…she will be two soon… I go in search for the medicine she can have. Now I know I only have a few moments to get things done. so I rush to give the baby meds. Throw my shoes on. Grab the leash and me and the dog are on our way outside.

He does his business…..then somehow… I am still not sure how… He manages to break loose and RUNS. I mean he literally takes off as fast as a shooting bullet. And I am sick on my stomach and cannot run. Well, that is no excuse. I literally cannot run on a good day.

By now.. I am yelling for him. Chasing him. Trying to get him. And crying. Everything that could have gone wrong yesterday. did.

I was on the verge of a breakdown. Luckily….my neighbor helped me capture the dog.

 

So here comes this post. And honestly… I have been thinking about this topic for awhile. It was going to be different. It was going to be about my 6 year old who has began taking 30 minutes to simply get dressed. That is not including getting her hair done..she’s mixed so not too simple. Doesn’t include brushing her teeth or getting shoes and coat on. Oh No. It is simply putting a shirt, pants and socks on. THIRTY MINUTES.. That is crazy. I can get dressed in 5. And it is only recently that she has begun doing this. So that is what this post was going to be about.

But life is funny that way. Apparently. There was a reason why I hadn’t gotten around to writing about it until today. Because. Anxiety shows itself in some weird ways.

Yesterday was such an exhausting day for anyone. Even if you don’t suffer from anxiety. But because I do….it took a lot out of me. I am still feeling the effects of it. But when you’re a mom and your kids are sick….there is no off button. There is no handbook.

My kids kept barking all day yesterday and their fevers kept going up and down that I decided it was time to go to the doctor. Now I do not  take sickness lightly and I also don’t go running to the doctor offices with every single fever. So last night…..I sat for at least an hour weighing the pros and cons of everything. I knew I wasn’t sending her to school because she hadn’t been fever free for 24 hours without the help of tylenol. But did I really want to take them for a cold to the doctor and possibly expose them to the flu.

So I decided that if their fevers kept coming back….then I would take them. They are my whole life. I would lay down on a puddle of water so they could cross without getting wet. I give them my all, all the time. Because I am their mom. They have also kicked their daddy to the couch to sleep with their mom because they’re sick and I guess being mommy makes it better. My poor husband.

It is a good thing I did decide to take them. Not only was the doctor not crowded. But they have the flu and we caught it in the time frame that giving meds can help. So that was my day. And tomorrow…. I am disinfecting the entire house. No sleep for me. Work work work work. (on a side note. It is days like these that make me wonder how I could work a 9-5 take the kids to and from school go eat lunch go on field trips disinfect a house, cook, clean, run errands, do laundry, go to school and maintain a blog. I literally push myself every single day to get everything done)

So this is where we are. This post. In life, there is no handbook. There are no set rules to follow. Things are not black and white. There is no guidelines on how to be a mom. There is no rules for the day to follow. It is crazy. cause sometimes I wish there was. Like with keeping my kid out sick… there is no checklist that tells you ‘yeah she needs to stay home’ Things are never that simple. I wish they were.

 

Failure Alert!!!

 

It is amazing how something as simple as a 1st graders school project can make you feel like a failure.

 

Last week my daughter brought home that paper that tells you it is time for a project.

That dreadful paper.

This one said that our little kids would need to take a soda bottle and turn it into a famous person.

Now in my head… I have this amazing picture of how I want it to be.

But what is in my head and my ability to create anything…..is absolute crap.

Seriously.

I am the least artistic person in the entire world.

So I decide that for the clothing that this bottle is supposed to have for this project will need to be sewn.

I have sewn two things in my life. This project being one and a pillow for my ex being another. Both have been a disaster.

But I do it anyway because I love my daughter. And it is a miracle I did not stab myself with the needle.

I cut down the only size foam Walmart had to semi resemble a head and it is still too big for the body. So now the guy looks comical. Yay me.

I paint it and get paint all over my hands. I feel like I am a five year old in a grown persons body when I am painting. Ugh!!!

I hot glue the clothes to the bottle and put the arms on. Now I still have the shoes and legs as well as pants to put on but decide I will finish it when my kid gets home.

But then I look at it. I photograph it. I send the picture to my mother. And she starts to tell me little things that could be changed.

As if I didn’t already feel like shit about it.

Seriously.

It is amazing that a small little project can make me break down. Bawling. Wanting to sit in my bath tub with hot steamy water cascading over me. (Which honestly I did)

I don’t want my child to be embarrassed by this project. I don’t want my kid to get picked on because I honestly cannot create a simple project.

I worry how my kid is going to see the project. I worry how her teacher is going to grade it. I worry about the other kids picking on my kid. I don’t want her to be bullied because I am honestly a failure.

It is funny how a simple project can make you feel like you are a failure as a parent. I want her to turn in the best work she can. I don’t want her to get a bad grade because I suck. I swear if she comes home with a bad grade because of this project… I will probably hole up in my room for a month. Honestly. I am not joking.

I don’t know how to not feel this way.

It is weird how a simple project can remind you….

I am pretty much a failure at everything.

I played the flute in school….never made first chair.

I tried guitar….. I know one song and can barely play it right

I like photography….but I am constantly reminded that my cousin or father in law are better than me… Seriously… My daughter had a camera and was taking picture of my father in law and my step mother in law made the comment how my daughter might be a great photographer like her grandpa… Uhm… I do photography too. But of course every one forgets me.

I imagine art… I can’t create it.

I like to cook….only half my food is a hit.

I like to blog… I don’t put out great material. I am obviously not a writer.

I was hoping I could get a job at home since I do so much every single day. Being a stay at home mom is no walk in a park. But I can’t find anyone hiring and all the jobs I apply for…. I never get… another FAILURE.

It is just one of those nights where I want a pint of ice cream and a bottle of wine. But one kid is at my brothers and the other is awake so no drinking for me. And I say no drinking with my older kid at my brothers for the fact that I like to remain sober when my kids are awake and not here because there might be an emergency and I don’t want to be that parent that either drives drunk or says I can’t make it because I’ve been drinking.

 

Sorry for the rant guys. I am happy to say I now have 85 followers. It is pretty amazing that at least 85 people want to read what I write. You guys are awesome

I should have stayed in bed

So yesterday was not a good day. Like at all. And I only have myself to blame. which I shouldn’t right? I mean bad days happen. It’s apart of life. But my anxiety makes me think that I did everything wrong. That everything is my fault.

So I woke up with the crud. Yeah. It is going around pretty bad and I thought that maybe, just maybe I would be exempt from it. But nope. It hit me full force yesterday. And I really should have seen it coming. I mean the baby has a cold and the older one had strep last week. So it was inevitable that it would hit me. Thankfully it’s just a head cold and not strep. Since I catch strep so easily.

So instead of sleeping in, my body decided it needed to get up at 6 AM on a Sunday. Thank you body. Instead of cooking breakfast, which honestly would have been the cheaper route, I decided hey I wanna go out and get Hardees. It rained all day Sunday. All flipping day. It is winter still. The stupid groundhog saw or didn’t see his shadow so we’re stuck with six more weeks of winter and we have freezing rain. So much rain that we have huge puddles in the middle of the road.

So I am driving and I feel like my breath stinks. I grab a piece of gum, eyes never leaving the road because I knew I had a stick of gum in my cup holder within reach. We live like 20 mins away from Hardees in the country. So I get tired of the gum and decide to throw it out. I roll the window down and this car is coming straight towards me.

And they hit a puddle.

When my window is down.

So I get hit with the biggest splash of freezing cold rain water thru my window and all over my windshield that I have lost sight of the road.

Thankfully that it was only me and the other car on that road at the time.

I should have taken this as an omen to go back home and stay in bed.

Really I should have just stayed in bed.

So I bring home the food and we eat. I decide I am going to be lazy and eat in my lovely warm and cozy bed because I feel like crap. After we all get done eating I decide to lay down and watch TV. That’s when I hear my husband up and cleaning.

So I feel guilty. Because as a stay at home mom I feel like it is my job to clean and cook and take care of the kids while my husband works a very hard warehouse job. So when he is on his only day off and he’s cleaning, I feel like I have failed at my only job. I feel like crap. Not just because I am sick but because my husband, who is a hardworking man should be able to relax on his day off and instead he is cleaning.

Now I know that he’s doing this so that I can relax, so that I can take a sick day. But that’s not how my mind works. I felt guilty that he’s doing so much when he should be able to kick back, relax and play his video games. I felt bad. So, even though I am coughing my head off and sick, I get up to clean. We have had sickness in our home. So I felt this would be the opportune moment to deep clean the house. Which means steaming all the non carpet floors and using the carpet cleaner on the rugs.

I lent my carpet cleaner out a few months ago to my brother. But he never used it. So it just sat in their spare room for months. So it should have been fine right? Nope! I go into our daughters room with all intentions of deep cleaning and disinfecting. I pull the trigger that sprays the cleaning solution on the floor. I let go of the trigger and pull the machine backwards to find.

It wasn’t sucking the liquid up.

At all.

Nothing.

So now I have his awfully big wet floor and no way to get the liquid up. I am livid. I should have stayed in bed.

But we have had that thing for over 4 years. It has been thru everything. My oldest potty training and having accidents. Many puke incidents. My youngest diaper explosions. Our old dogs accidents (she was a very old dog and she passed away a year ago) It has cleaned up spills and splats. It deep cleaned when the flu hit. I mean this thing was used. but I wasn’t thinking that rationally yesterday. Nope.

But I didn’t cry.

I fussed about it not working. For a good 20 minutes.

Then, I get my shoes on and my hoodie and head out the door. To get a new cleaner.

Yay, more money spent.

I am not a fan of spending money. I always feel guilty every time I spend money. Because I am not working. I am maintaining a house and a busy schedule, all the bills, all the cooking. Everything that doesn’t include my husband’s job.

The store was fine. I mean other than spending money. Everything else was fine. I can deal with people who think the whole aisle belongs to them when they stop to talk to the person they see every single day like its the first time that they have seen them in 10 years.

I come home and clean my floors. Oh my gawd. I thought that these floors were clean. They looked clean. But that is the thing about carpets. They can look clean but deep down they are dirty. way dirty. See I just moved into this house almost a month ago and because of everything hitting at once, we by passed cleaning the floors. I mean they’re almost white floors like an off white and you would be able to see dirt right? But the cleaner really got the dirt and grime out of it. Could have been from when we moved in since we were in and out a lot.

Next was steam cleaning the floors in the kitchen, laundry room and bathrooms.  That wouldn’t have been so bad if my toddler didn’t decide this was the time she was going to be underneath my foot steps every second. It always seems that around nap time she decides to be the biggest thorn in my side. But still it was fine.

My oldest had spent the night at my moms. So I had to get her yesterday so she could get ready for school. But because it took 3 hours for my husband to get an oil change ( I did not want to take my toddler out in the crummy weather because of her cold) I didn’t get my oldest when I wanted to. Instead, I got her later. I was annoyed because he didn’t text. Because when he says he’s on his way and its an hour later and I haven’t heard from him. I worry. I stress. I freak out. I should have just stayed in bed.

We get back home and pick out the clothes for the week. Yes I am that kind of parent. We pick out the school clothes and have them in a storage tub that has 5 drawers every Sunday. It is almost 6 pm. We are usually eating by now. So I am feeling crummy that dinner is not on the table. That I am just now cooking.

It’s now 7 pm and dinner is not done. It is not cooking right. I didn’t do something right. It just isn’t doing what it is supposed to. Now it is 8pm and dinner still isn’t done. My oldest bed time is 9 pm and she hasn’t had dinner and hasn’t had a bath and dinner isn’t done.

The top is starting to burn and the underneath is still gooey. I feel like a failure. I am so anxious and depressed that I, for one day, am not living up to my job. Living up to my promise. Living up to the standard that I set for myself every single day. I should have stayed in bed.

In an anxious, depressed, pissed state I take the dinner out and plop it on the stove. Pissed that its not done. Pissed that I just wasted food. Wasted money. Wasted time. And tell my husband to fix the kids whatever they want for dinner. That I am going to bed. I was upset.

I should have stayed in bed.

And this morning. I wake up and feel this massive amount of guilt. All over. I was the worst me yesterday and I feel like crap. Maybe if I had just stayed in bed and let my husband be the hero things wouldn’t have fallen apart. I wouldn’t feel this guilty. I wouldn’t be in this mood. But no. I felt guilty that he was doing my job and got up when I should have just stayed in bed.

 

Thank you for allowing me to share my story. This is me. In a vulnerable state.

Anxiety and parenting

As a parent….we only want what is best for our kids. But is that causing them to have anxiety issues? I truly hope not. Unfortunately, I think it is.

Growing up with a single parent….my mom wasn’t always home. So I had my brothers taking care of me. They are truly opposites. They hated each other and would fight a lot….in front of me. I saw a lot of jealousy….and other things. While there is a genetic line of mental illness on my father’s side…I am pretty certain that a lot of things that happened as a child molded my anxiety I have today.

Being a mom….I’m overly protective. Things that happened to me as a child should never ever happen to a kid and I constantly find myself being that helicopter parent. I have cut people out of my life for simply being a bad influence….I am dead serious too. Is stopped talking to someone for months because they thought it was ok to come around me and my kids drunk or high…I didn’t talk to them again until they could prove that they could be sober.

I’ve also found myself being critical of my daughter. Honestly…I don’t mean too. I will sit there in the bathroom and cry afterwards because I feel like a bad parent.

My daughter will do something…like jump on the couch…I will say hey don’t do that or something to the extent and not even 2 minutes later…shes doing it again…which I then say didn’t I just tell you not to do that… And I end up hurting her feelings.

I am, however, never emotionally cold to my children or any child. I want them to express their emotions and hell…I will cry right along side of them.

So guys…what is your take on this WTFact…? Do you find yourself being critical of your children? What have you done to change it?

I am going to continue to try my best to change how I speak or act towards and around my daughter in the hopes that I don’t pass the anxiety along.