Hide our feelings

When you are diagnosed with anxiety at an early age, especially in your teenage years, it can be a difficult thing to deal with. Especially with those around you, some of who don’t quite understand the messy thoughts that run through your head.

So when you live in a world where having a mental illness or any type of mental health problem is surrounded in stigma. Surrounded by this dark cloud that hangs over us. Like we’re something to be feared.

So what do we do? We try so hard to hide our feelings. To hide our anxiety. To hide what is causing these things. By staying quiet about them. By pretending that everything is okay. That we are alright. That there is nothing wrong.

However, we often forget that our eyes say way more than our words ever could. For instance, this past November I went to a wrestling convention. It’s kind of like a comic con but with a bunch of wrestling. I usually go with my husband by my side.

Except…..he wasn’t by my side. Instead. he was working the event. So there I was standing alone in line, surrounded by a lot of people I didn’t know. My anxiety grew so big I was ready to bolt. To run. But I knew doing so would tip my husband off to what was wrong and he wouldn’t be able to concentrate on the job that he was doing. So I pretended.

But that didn’t work. One look in my eyes, even from across the room, my husband knew I wasn’t okay. He knew my anxiety was up. He knew I was ready to go.

So even when you think that you are hiding it very well…. Those who are close to you. Those who truly know you and truly care about you…. they are the ones that are going to be able to see the words that aren’t coming from your mouth. No! They are the ones who can hear ever silent scream coming from your eyes.

Day 7

Okay guys….so it is technically day 7 of my squat challenge. Which means I have been doing 100 squats every day since Valentines day.

Well… you remember how I said I didn’t feel anything…..

Well after a few days I really started to feel it. Not so much when I walk or sit. But I could feel a little bit of tension and pain when I would do my squats.

Now around day  2 or 3 I cut some string to match perfectly around my butt and thigh. What this means is that the ends of the strings touch exactly. No overlap.

Now since I don’t have a tape measure like they use in sewing, I only have the kind you would use to measure things with like the wall. I figured this would give me an accurate measure of progress.

And well… Day 2 or 3 the strings matched exactly… Day 7….there is a small overlap of string. Which means the measurements of my legs is starting to slim down.

I can’t tell you how excited that makes me. I know its like a couple centimeters and all. But it is progress. I haven’t been able to lose weight in a very long time. A VERY LONG TIME.

I have fat thighs. I have always had fat thighs. and having kids only made it worse. Toning down my thighs is a very difficult thing. My thighs are one of the many reasons why I have low self esteem. And low self esteem adds to the anxiety and stress. Going out in public, I have always worn pants and capri’s. Even swimming. I cannot wear anything short. My thighs look gross and fat and full of cellulite. This last summer I went swimming with my nephews quite a bit. I wore a tank top and yoga capri’s because I didn’t want to show to much or be flabbing around. I cannot wear a bikini top around my nephews. I just don’t feel comfortable showing that much boobs to these young boys. I don’t know if anyone else feels this way.

But I mean I am their aunt. they are getting older and I really just wouldn’t show that much boob around any young boy. Or at all. My brother (my nephews dad) Not the other brother that can be a punk. This brother always told me you dress the way you want to be treated. You carry yourself the way you want to be treated. If you go around dressing in sleazy clothes acting like you’re easy… Then that is how you are going to be treated. He didn’t mean it in a mean manner. Even though that is how most people take it. He meant it so that I could be safe. He didn’t want others to take advantage of me based upon what I wore or acted. He wanted me to be strong and confident.

What he didn’t know is that my anxiety… and my low self esteem… yeah it took this advice and turned it into. I’m fat and ugly and must cover up always.

i am getting way off topic.

The squat challenge is working…. it is a little painful. But it is working. I can’t wait to see the end results.. I am so impatient.

Anxiety is a pain some never experience

I know I post a lot about anxiety. When you look up guides on how to start a blog…they always tell you to pick a topic you know best. For me…thats anxiety…I’ve been dealing with this demon for years. Pretty much since I was 5 but wasn’t diagnosed til i was 15/16. And I hope that my blog somehow helps someone else cope as well.

What is something I want from people when they hear that I have am anxiety disorder and occasional depression? To not judge.

Too often those with mental illness are judged as being incompetent or dangerous. Someone who cannot be trusted. And its so far from the truth. We are just like anyone else. We just have a pain that you might not see or you’ll never feel.

For one…I never think it is okay to judge someone. Ever. Its not fair to that person. Another thing is how can you judge someone for something you have never experienced for yourself. You can’t and you shouldn’t.

If you know someone who is fighting a mental illness….show compassion. Show them love. Show them support. Because at the end of the day when you’re thinking hey I’ve had a good day…we’re exhausted from fighting an invisible battle that we’re just going to have to fight again tomorrow.

So please…..don’t judge….show love.