So, there are so many discussions and arguments on how you should be a parent. How you should raise your kid. If you’re a punishment type parent, you’re wrong. If you’re a loving no punishment type parent, you’re wrong. There are just so many people who will butt into your life and your parenting that it will make your head spin. I mean these people will butt in without you asking for their help.
And low and behold, if you spank your child and people find out. Be prepared for some soul who thinks they know what is right and how to be the perfect parent….they’ll most like call child protective services.
Because everyone knows how to parent someone else’s child better than the actual parent.
It gets my head in a spin. That is why I don’t usually speak out about my parenting style. My anxiety makes me wonder if someone will take what I have to say the wrong way.
Let me go into some history on how I was raised.
I was spanked. Not very often. Because I knew that spanking was the ultimate punishment. That means I must have done something so bad that I skipped all other levels of punishment. For instance, when I was about 10 or so, my older cousin took me and her kids to a basketball game at the high school. Well we were on our way out to the car but she got hung up talking to someone, she told us to stay with her….we took off running across the street to the car….the street where other attendees were leaving…
This resulted in all of us lining up to receive a ‘spanking’. Basically, we were asked what we did wrong, what should we have done and then we were to stick our hands out palms down so that we could get popped on the hand. There was no beating. Nothing that would constitute abuse. We knew we were wrong. We knew we weren’t supposed to go anywhere and yet we did. My ‘popping’ was harder than the others, not by much just a little, because I was the oldest and I should have known better and kept the others from running into the road instead of following and leading a bad example.
I was grounded, I knew I was in big trouble if my mother yelled my entire name. Boy did I know I was in trouble. And that is all she would have to do. I never got past that. I never wanted to disappoint my mom or my grandma. I didn’t want them to be hurt or upset by some type of actions that I may think of. Short term gain for long term pain. I always thought in the back of my head, if I do this will I get in trouble. I wasn’t emotionally traumatized by punishment. It gave me a responsibility type of mind frame. It gave me the cause/response, action/consequence type of thought process. I am actually the only one of my mothers kids who never got in trouble with the law or lashed out in any way shape or form. Heck, I see my mom all the time and we text non stop. She is my best friend. My mother was actually more lenient on my siblings so as each grew more and more out of control she began reigning in the ropes.
So here are three articles in the argument against time out.
Do Timeouts Really Work
Why you should never use timeouts
Why Time out is out
Now these three articles have some interesting input on the psychological effects of ‘time outs’
However, every kid is different. I knew that if my mom or some other adult family member put me in the corner, popped my hand, raised their voice, or took something away from me. I wasn’t affected psychologically. Now I am pretty sure that these people would argue that my anxiety and occasional depression is from the type of discipline that I was subjected to as a kid…. No… Just no. Please don’t try to blame the way I was disciplined for my messed up psych. It is so much more than that. It is the lack of discipline of others that cause the shit storm in my head. It is the abuse that I had to endure. It is my brother dressing up in scary ass masks and banging on the windows during a storm when I thought I was home alone. It is my brother putting my other brother head thru a window. It is my brother putting a knife to my other brother throat. It is the fact that my brother would tell me things like walking in a ditch near the sewer pipe would get me killed because evil trolls lived in the sewers. It is the sexual abuse that I endured. There are many other things that only a highly skilled psychiatrist will be able to explain
None of that has to do with my mom spanking me, putting me in time out or taking away my things. Actually, my mom disciplining me taught me that there are somethings that are wrong. What helped with that, is that if my mom spanked me, put me in time out, took anything away or any other form of punishment, she would talk it out with me. She would explain what I did wrong, why it was wrong and we would explore options that I could have used or should use in the future. She would then explain my punishment and why that degree of punishment was being used. My mom would always talk to us about everything. We may have grown up poor, but she would explain why certain bills didn’t get paid on time. I truly admire my mother.
So that leads up to my raising of my kids. I do not and will not ever ‘abuse’ my kids. I will pop their hands if the action calls for it, or the butt depending on the severity of the action. For instance, my oldest was playing with her sister and decided it would be funny to shove, not push, shove her off the bed. I so happen to see it and sat down with my oldest and discussed what happened, why it was wrong and why a ‘popping’ on the behind was the punishment being used. She didn’t cry. She didn’t fuss. She didn’t whine. She understood that what she had done was wrong and that every action has a consequence.
One of the articles stated that time out only works if it is used in a loving environment. Which leads me to wondering about why you would have kids if you didn’t have a loving environment. I love my girls more than words could ever explain. I would go to the ends of hell for them. I would literally do anything for them. And they know this. We have a reward system but we also have a discipline system. It baffles me that there are so many people who will tell you what will work for every kid. When not every kid is the same. Every kid is different. My oldest is more sensitive than my youngest. While a ‘popping’ would hurt my oldest feelings, which is why it is the last on the punishment list. But that same popping barely even phases my youngest. However, taking toys away from the youngest or time out is the preferred for the youngest cause that is the form that really gets her attention.
What I am saying is, it is no one else’s decision how I punish my kids. They are not being abused and they are happy healthy children.
However, after reviewing the articles, I am baffled that there are articles discussing that time outs are actually ineffective. If you’re taking away time out, which is the lowest form of discipline, then how are you making sure that your kids turn into well behaving, respectable adults?
What do you think?