The glue

Having a family is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I love my kids and I love my husband. They are my entire world. Daddy, is the name of the person that my kids walk right past to get to mommy. My husband works all the time and he is like the support beam of the house. He is the one that takes care of the financial aspects of our family.

However, in all families, the word mama, momma, mom, mommy or any other forms of the word is simply the glue that holds everything together even when she feels like she may fall apart. A mom is a great actor. She can pretend like there is nothing bothering her. She isn’t in pain. She isn’t sad. She is the one who has the brave face. She is the one who gets the kids up and ready for school . She is the one who makes sure everytone has a clean pair of underwear. She is the one who makes sure you have a warm meal in your tummy. She is the one who helps with the homework. Listens to the complaints of the day. Deals with the tantrums. She handles every battle every single day without a single complaint.

For me, being a stay at home is my job. It is a job that never ends. It is the best job that I have ever had. It is the best job I will ever have. Yes, I have an anxiety disorder. Yes I have panic attacks. But I have also mastered the art of pulling myself out of them and not having one in front of my kids. They don’t need that fear, that worry. I am the glue that holds my family together. Therefore, I cannot publically fall apart. That is the purpose of my shower time. I am the glue that handles the sibling spats. I am the glue that listens to my husbands day. I am the glue that helps my kids with their chores and homework. I am the glue that makes sure my husband has everything he needs for work and for training. I am the glue.

So if you’re a dad, brother, nephew, son….thank the mothers in your life. Being the glue….isn’t an easy job.

All the small things

I know I usually post about what a crap day I’ve had or the anxiety issues I’ve had….

But not right now

Nope

This is one of those small victories.

You know the kind that make you feel good

That brighten your day

Ok

So

I had a crap day yesterday. We rescued a dog and thought it was going to be a great fit. He’s cute. He’s calm. He’s house trained. But he always seemed to be jealous of our toddler. He took food from her. He kind of growled at her when she was eating. Easy fix right? You can train a dog to not do that or at least put him up when it’s time for us to eat.

All of the jealousy I could handle.

I could deal with it.

What I couldn’t deal with is him trying to bite my toddler when all she was doing was watching tv on the floor. Not near him. Not bothering him. I somehow managed to get a hold of him before he could bite her and it sent my anxiety thru the roof. I started shaking and sobbing once I had put him up. Like how did I get there in time? What if I hadn’t? Like I said crap day.

So I had to go to the store anyway to buy supplies for my older daughters project and seen that there was a clearance on clothes. Because of course in the middle of February they bring out spring crap.

Uhm…..its still cold.

So I bought pants in my anxiety mess because idk. Honestly i. Don’t. Know

So this morning I take a shower and decide I’m going to wear one of the new pants that I had gotten only to realize I had bought a size smaller than I normally get.

And they fit.

Now any other mom out there knows that after your second kid…its a miracle if you can get back to your pre kid weight.

And since the wreck….exercising is difficult…

If I do too much…im in pain for days. So I really have to be careful and listen to my body.

Which means I’m fat.

According to the weight charts in all the doctors offices i am obese.

Its depressing to even think about.

But it’s the truth.

But I’m not going to let that stop my win for today. I fit in a smaller size than I’ve been wearing. Yeah I still have 4 sizes to go to be back to my high school weight but hey….this is my victory.

And it is the small things that matter. That can mean the most. As Brandon Lee in the crow said:

“The little things use to mean so much to Shelley. I use to think they were kind of trivial. Believe me nothing is trivial”

Here’s the link to that quote in the movie nothing is trivial

Routine is important 

For me, having the bases of a routine is very important. Now I’m not one of those people who has every minute of every day planned out. And a lot of my day is very flexible. I’m not unreasonable.

Most mornings I’m up before 6 am. My kids usually gets up by 6:30am and we’re in the car to pick up my nephews by 7:15, at the school by 7:30 home by 8 (some days me and the toddler go get breakfast.) Then I am back at the school in line by 1pm and I sit for an hour and a half waiting for the kids to get out. My kids have baths before 7pm and the oldest should by in bed by 9pm.

As you see, there’s a large amount of time that’s not scheduled and thats okay because I know life happens.

But when I plan things or I am late, that;s when my anxiety peaks. I feel, well honestly, insane. My skin feels like it’s crawling, my heart races and I start organizing stuff near me like crazy. Having some sort of routine really helps. If my morning is off, I feel like I spend my whole day trying to get everything back on track.