Growing up with anxiety

I’ve had anxiety a loooong time so its kind of hard to imagine myself as ‘normal’. Was I ever normal?

I remember being home alone and freaking our because the wind blew. Or having to go to the bathroom late at night when I was like 6 and running all the way back to my bed because some imaginary creature would get me in the dark.

I’ve been this way for so long…maybe I am a freak?

This is the kind of thing anxiety will do to you….

Anxiety is a pain some never experience

I know I post a lot about anxiety. When you look up guides on how to start a blog…they always tell you to pick a topic you know best. For me…thats anxiety…I’ve been dealing with this demon for years. Pretty much since I was 5 but wasn’t diagnosed til i was 15/16. And I hope that my blog somehow helps someone else cope as well.

What is something I want from people when they hear that I have am anxiety disorder and occasional depression? To not judge.

Too often those with mental illness are judged as being incompetent or dangerous. Someone who cannot be trusted. And its so far from the truth. We are just like anyone else. We just have a pain that you might not see or you’ll never feel.

For one…I never think it is okay to judge someone. Ever. Its not fair to that person. Another thing is how can you judge someone for something you have never experienced for yourself. You can’t and you shouldn’t.

If you know someone who is fighting a mental illness….show compassion. Show them love. Show them support. Because at the end of the day when you’re thinking hey I’ve had a good day…we’re exhausted from fighting an invisible battle that we’re just going to have to fight again tomorrow.

So please…..don’t judge….show love.

Anxiety and parenting

As a parent….we only want what is best for our kids. But is that causing them to have anxiety issues? I truly hope not. Unfortunately, I think it is.

Growing up with a single parent….my mom wasn’t always home. So I had my brothers taking care of me. They are truly opposites. They hated each other and would fight a lot….in front of me. I saw a lot of jealousy….and other things. While there is a genetic line of mental illness on my father’s side…I am pretty certain that a lot of things that happened as a child molded my anxiety I have today.

Being a mom….I’m overly protective. Things that happened to me as a child should never ever happen to a kid and I constantly find myself being that helicopter parent. I have cut people out of my life for simply being a bad influence….I am dead serious too. Is stopped talking to someone for months because they thought it was ok to come around me and my kids drunk or high…I didn’t talk to them again until they could prove that they could be sober.

I’ve also found myself being critical of my daughter. Honestly…I don’t mean too. I will sit there in the bathroom and cry afterwards because I feel like a bad parent.

My daughter will do something…like jump on the couch…I will say hey don’t do that or something to the extent and not even 2 minutes later…shes doing it again…which I then say didn’t I just tell you not to do that… And I end up hurting her feelings.

I am, however, never emotionally cold to my children or any child. I want them to express their emotions and hell…I will cry right along side of them.

So guys…what is your take on this WTFact…? Do you find yourself being critical of your children? What have you done to change it?

I am going to continue to try my best to change how I speak or act towards and around my daughter in the hopes that I don’t pass the anxiety along.

Mental illness is not seeking attention

One of the reasons I don’t usually open up about the battle I face every single day is that people tend to think I just want attention. Hey you didnt try to cut yourself or attempt suicide so youre just seeking attention…

Its not so bad…you just want attention.

Well guys…if anyone knows me…they know I absolutely hate attention. I would crawl under bleachers rather than have the attention on me.

If I reach out to you and tell you what’s going on….what my illness is like…then I believe you are there for me…I believe you won’t judge me. I believe you’ll support me.

I don’t tell you things so you will pay attention to me. I tell you because I am feeling confident in that moment to open up. When you tell me I’m just seeking attention is when I’ll crawl right back into my shell and let you pretend I am always fine… But if that happens….I’ll never open up to that person about anything.

Have you ever had someone tell you that your seeking attention? When in reality you just want someone to talk to. To understand…

Please know…that I will never tell you that…I will always understand. I will always be someone you can confide in.

#Relationships and #Anxiety

I use a lot of these, and people use some of these on me and they seem to work

Having a sturdy, healthy relationship with anyone can be a beneficial thing to have when you have anxiety. Having that one person that is there… that can help you.. that can pull you out of that dark place can be amazing.  When I say relationship… I don’t mean just a relationship with a significant other… Relationships could mean your mom…you brother/sister or even your best friend.  It is vitally important for someone suffering anxiety or depression to have that one person that never judges….and always understands.

I sometimes like to scroll thru Pinterest just to pass the time. There are things that others have posted from Tumblr or other sites. That is when I found the picture from above. And I thought… hey this I can write about and just possibly explain why these are important. This way if you have someone in your life that suffers from anxiety.. you can learn a few comforting words that might help. Alright. Here we go….

 

“It’s ok, I’m here”

Knowing that someone is there for you is very important. With anxiety…it can sometimes feel like we’re all alone in this world. Having that one person that is there for you and never judges and is willing to try to help you pull out of that dark place is very important. This should always be the go to phrase when someone you love is having one of those days.

“I’m not going to leave you”

Ah yes. With anxiety we sometimes feel alone. Or at least I do. I have quoted the line from One Tree Hill all the time…. ‘people always leave’ Therefore, when someone like my husband sticks it out and puts up with all my anxious crap and continues to tell me that he will not leave. it is a little reassuring. and allows me to center myself.

“Everything is ok” 

Yeah.. this one phrase is not my favorite. To me, saying everything is ok is like telling me its all in my head. Because at that moment…everything is not ok.. This might work for your anxiety…but it doesn’t work for mine.

“I’m going to protect you”

That is sweet. As someone who suffers from anxiety.. I think it is sweet that someone is willing to protect me from my demons even if I am the only one who battles my demons. But anxiety is so draining. When you go thru an anxiety attack it is as if you have ran a marathon. It is tiring. All I want to do is sleep but I can’t.

“I believe in you”

Considering that there is all of this stigma about mental health. Especially anxiety disorders. I have heard that I am making things up. I am wanting attention. I am a cry baby. It’s all in my head. I can pray it away. I just need to stop thinking like that. Its not real. etc… it is quite annoying. However, to hear someone stop and say hey.. I believe in you. I know your demons are real. I know this is something that is actually happening and I believe in you to beat this. If your significant other or friend or family member suffers from a mental illness… BELIEVE IN THEM

“Hear my heartbeat, focus on that”

This is something that can help someone be pulled out of an attack. This isn’t a technique that I have thought of trying. However, I just might have too.

“You’ll be alright”

I know that there is more to that quote. However, the first part kind of makes me upset. I know that it shouldn’t. I know that they’re just trying to help. But it is kind of like being told hey cry baby you’ll be alright.

“You’re not going to lose me”

I find this one to be very significant. Know that the person who understands you. who never judges you. who is always there for you isn’t going to leave. That is an amazing feeling.

There are many more of these amazing ways to help someone with anxiety. If you have someone in your life who suffers from anxiety…take a look at these sayings. Maybe these can help you help your loved one.

The picture below details just a small amount of what being in a relationship with someone who has anxiety is like. This is something I feel is true. There are days where I just want to be alone. There are times that we’re out with friends or even family and something happens and I just want to go home. There are days where I just want to lay in bed (but it never happens. I am a mom…. I have to take care of my girls. and I do. I have learned how to put my fears aside to ensure that they are well taken care of. I don’t understand why people believe that anyone with anxiety are bad parents. We’re not.. we just ‘worry’ more)

 

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Well guys…let me know what you think

#Lyric time…Unwell by Matchbox 20

Sometimes there are those songs that literally speak to our anxious minds and this just so happens to be one of them. In my true fashion…I will Post the lyrics in bold and my thought in normal text… If this song speaks to you let me know.

Unwell by Matchbox 20 (April, 2003)

All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
But sometimes I can’t sleep because my anxiety keeps me up late at night… thinking about things that maybe I should have done or what I did do and how I could have done it differently.
Hold on
Feeling like I’m headed for a breakdown
And I don’t know why
I don’t know why I feel bad sometimes. I get emotional and worked up. and feel like I am going to have a break down.
But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I am not crazy. I feel that people look at me for having anxiety as if I am crazy. I am not. I just cannot control my anxious brain sometimes. It groups safe and unsafe things and puts it all into a singular group of unsafe.
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be, me
I’m talking to myself in public
Unfortunately, I have talked to myself in public… but not in the I am crazy way. but in a way that is kind of like a person slams on their brakes…why are you riding your brakes car. Or I hate bees… I’ll be sitting in the car with the window down and a bee will come in.. then I will scream say I hate bees and probably jump out of the car.
Dodging glances on the train
I don’t like to look at people because I feel like they will think I am staring
And I know, I know they’ve all been talking about me
With anxiety, you fear that everyone is always talking about you.
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Is there something wrong with me?
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I’ve lost my mind
But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be
I’ve been talking in my sleep
Yeah I know I talk in my sleep but I am kind of afraid of what I might say in said sleep
Pretty soon they’ll come to get me
Yeah, they’re taking me away
But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Hey, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I’m just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I’m just a little unwell
This song is really good.  take a listen at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WziA88-n02k

#anxiety….its more than just being anxious

Its amazing the things you find on Tumblr. Especially when it comes to anxiety.

Which I am going to be honest, I suffer severely from anxiety. I was talking to a friend last night after trick or treating and they didn’t realize how bad my anxiety really was.

Let me tell you what happened. We went on a hay ride down the road (it’s technically called a highway, but its one of those country highways) When I was stuffed in the middle of people and my big brother had a hold of my daughter and I had the other one I didn’t feel as anxious, except that either my husband (who was on the rail) or my sister in law (who was standing up) would fall off. However, on the way back it was me at the corner of the trailer barely on the hay bale, exhausted holding my toddler who was asleep trying to keep her warm. I couldn’t stop thinking about what if I fell off. I mean I had my daughter and it scared me more than anything. I couldn’t stop hoping we would back to our starting point. My heart rate the whole way back was not lower than 108 bpm. And this is just one incident. It is so much worse. I promise you. I am anxious, scared, paranoid, terrified or whatever you want to call them all the time.

I say sorry all the time. It is so bad that it has passed on to my daughter. I don’t want her to say sorry for things she hasn’t done or for things she doesn’t need to say sorry about. But I don’t know how to change it. I mean how do you change something that she has watched her mother do almost every day for her whole life. Even in the store… when I wanna pass someone who is just standing in the line. No matter how much it genuinely annoys me that they’re taking up the whole aisle. I still say ‘excuse me, I’m sorry’. Automatically. Even if they’re in the wrong. I genuinely feel like I have done something wrong for passing them in the aisle. I have somehow wronged them by cutting in front of them while they’re browsing the pasta. It sucks.

My husband can tell you this second one. I am always wondering if I am annoying. Is this annoying you? Does it annoy you that I talk about this? Is my music too loud? Is it annoying you? Growing up, I was labeled the annoying little sister. My oldest brother still tells people this. That I was the annoying little sister who wouldn’t stop bugging him. I still think I am annoying. When I needed to ask my other brother for something… I wait til the last minute or try to get our mother to do it because I legitimately fear that I am annoying him to the point he will yell at me. I have cried many times because I knew I needed to ask him for money or something and being extremely afraid that I would have offended or annoyed him somehow. And I kind of rely on my brother. alot. Even tho he thinks my anxiety is not as serious.

I don’t personally say ‘awkward’ like at all. It is something weird to say. However, I have said many times that I don’t want to do something or be somewhere because I feel awkward. I feel awkward all the time. At field trips, I feel awkward. Next to my high school friends, I feel awkward. I’m fatter than they are. I have more mental issues than they do. I’m not as successful as they are. I feel like I have done nothing with my life. They’re life is amazing and I am simply awkward.

My brothers tell me that I am overly emotional. That I am a cry baby. A spoiled little baby. Especially since I still rely on my mom. She believes my anxiety is more than just something I say for attention. She has seen my anxiety take hold of me and shake me full of fear. And sometimes, my anxiety gets so bad that I start crying. Not because I am hurt. But because my brain and body are so overwhelmed that I can do nothing but cry. These are times I don’t try to be around people. These are the times I will excuse myself to the bathroom or my car. Somewhere alone.

This next  one is true for some people. Texting my brothers I feel like the more I text the more I am annoying them. The more I am pulling them away from their life to deal with their needy little sister. My mom and my husband, I text all the time. repeatedly. Until they answer. Because I need them to answer me. I need to know they’re ok. I need them. They are my anchors. They keep me sane. This is why this upcoming weekend is going to be really trying for me. I am going to a concert with a friend…. just my friend…. I have never gone somewhere like a concert without my mother, my husband or my brother. All of my first concerts were with my brother. (Not the oldest) And I knew that if something happened at the concert he could and would protect me.

Even the smallest things can set my anxiety off. Like my thoughts. And no… I cannot change my thoughts. They just pop up. No I cannot stop thinking like my brother or husband. My brain is turning all the time. Non stop.

 

This picture just above is so true. I usually have my husband order my food for me. I have always done it since we got together. He just makes me feel better when he’s ordering it.

However, if you know someone who has anxiety…. please be patient with them. I am begging you. please.

Also, if you suffer from anxiety yourself.. what helps you? Are there certain things that set your anxiety off?