No Instructions

As all of you know…. I have been doing this squat challenge.

Yesterday, I managed to do 100 all at once. Which was a wonderful thing. I haven’t been able to do that. I had been breaking it down into 4 sections of 25.  And I did them first thing in the morning.

Which was a victory! yay me.

But that might have been one of the 2 things that were good yesterday.

The other thing was….well I like to meal plan. I like to have extra food. Because growing up…..we really didn’t have food. Hunger is a real pain that I knew as a kid. So I typically spend most of my money stock piling food.

So Sunday, my girls are coughing and its like a bark and they’re running fevers. Only one is in school so I decided to keep her home yesterday hoping it was a simple bug that would disappear as fast as it reared its ugly little head.

Well as they’re granny (my mom) shows up to spend time with the sick kids, I decide it is the perfect day to go to the meat market because well you can buy in bulk cheap. Which I did and that is where my other victory came in because I break the down into freezer bags to store in our deep freezer. I like to buy about 2 months worth at a time so I am only making that big purchase once every two month. So I bought a little over 80 lbs of chicken and ground beef for only $258. It broke down into 40 bags of ground beef at a little over a pound per bag and 29 bags of chicken. Victory! cause if you’re trying to buy that same amount in the grocery store when you go shopping you’re looking at way more than that. I was thrilled. Because I did the math…it came down to about $3 per pound when in the store its $5 per pound roughly.

That is where my victories ended.

My youngest hasn’t pooped (sorry if that is too much information, she’s 1.) And lucky me… I ran out of apple juice and apple sauce. Which in my kids is an instant cleanser. So while I am trying to put the meat away she is constipated and crying because her stomach hurts. She is screaming. She is throwing a tantrum. Because not only is she hurting…it is wayyyy past nap time. And she is fighting her granny who is trying to love on her and help her go to sleep. I mean literally fighting. The throwing the head back scream flailing type that only kids can master.

(*Now I am not sure why I feel that this needs to be said. But whenever I do the meat market day… I sanitize my entire kitchen and wash my hands like five times before I touch meat and wash them five times when changing meat. I freak out over the possibility of contaminating my food.*)

After all the meat issues is said and done and the baby has fallen asleep I do my victory dance for 2.5 seconds. Because my dog….who was in his kennel because he tried to bite my kid and we’re trying to rehome him decided to crap all in the cage. Apparently, he’s sick. The food my kids like to slip him thru the cracks (because they still love him even tho he’s aggressive) has turned his stomach. So I shut him in the laundry room and sanitize his kennel…. Then I rush to give him a bath because who doesn’t like warm water being washed over you when you’re sick… Then it is back in the kennel for him.

Not even 5 minutes after I put him in there does he do it again. Poor dog. and poor me because everything that I had just done….has to be redone. Crap.

Now my oldest is coughing her head off, hacking up her itty bitty lungs. and I am running around like a chicken without a head. I am pushing the limit on my heart racing trying to get everything done….

Cough meds and water is provided then I give the dog another bath. Pull out my hair dryer and on low setting I dry him. Because well I am weird.

He’s back in the kennel….and starts whining. So I am like great. Let me take him out before I have to clean this cage again….. Before I can even get to him…..it happens. but this time he doesn’t get anything on him.. So good boy…

I put him in the laundry room again and sanitize the kennel again. The smell has turned my stomach by now.

The kennel is done. he’s back in.

Okay, maybe I can sit down for two minutes.

Nope. he starts whining. By this time the baby is up. She can’t breathe thru her nose. Its so full of mucus. She’s barking away. So because she’s only a year…she will be two soon… I go in search for the medicine she can have. Now I know I only have a few moments to get things done. so I rush to give the baby meds. Throw my shoes on. Grab the leash and me and the dog are on our way outside.

He does his business…..then somehow… I am still not sure how… He manages to break loose and RUNS. I mean he literally takes off as fast as a shooting bullet. And I am sick on my stomach and cannot run. Well, that is no excuse. I literally cannot run on a good day.

By now.. I am yelling for him. Chasing him. Trying to get him. And crying. Everything that could have gone wrong yesterday. did.

I was on the verge of a breakdown. Luckily….my neighbor helped me capture the dog.

 

So here comes this post. And honestly… I have been thinking about this topic for awhile. It was going to be different. It was going to be about my 6 year old who has began taking 30 minutes to simply get dressed. That is not including getting her hair done..she’s mixed so not too simple. Doesn’t include brushing her teeth or getting shoes and coat on. Oh No. It is simply putting a shirt, pants and socks on. THIRTY MINUTES.. That is crazy. I can get dressed in 5. And it is only recently that she has begun doing this. So that is what this post was going to be about.

But life is funny that way. Apparently. There was a reason why I hadn’t gotten around to writing about it until today. Because. Anxiety shows itself in some weird ways.

Yesterday was such an exhausting day for anyone. Even if you don’t suffer from anxiety. But because I do….it took a lot out of me. I am still feeling the effects of it. But when you’re a mom and your kids are sick….there is no off button. There is no handbook.

My kids kept barking all day yesterday and their fevers kept going up and down that I decided it was time to go to the doctor. Now I do not  take sickness lightly and I also don’t go running to the doctor offices with every single fever. So last night…..I sat for at least an hour weighing the pros and cons of everything. I knew I wasn’t sending her to school because she hadn’t been fever free for 24 hours without the help of tylenol. But did I really want to take them for a cold to the doctor and possibly expose them to the flu.

So I decided that if their fevers kept coming back….then I would take them. They are my whole life. I would lay down on a puddle of water so they could cross without getting wet. I give them my all, all the time. Because I am their mom. They have also kicked their daddy to the couch to sleep with their mom because they’re sick and I guess being mommy makes it better. My poor husband.

It is a good thing I did decide to take them. Not only was the doctor not crowded. But they have the flu and we caught it in the time frame that giving meds can help. So that was my day. And tomorrow…. I am disinfecting the entire house. No sleep for me. Work work work work. (on a side note. It is days like these that make me wonder how I could work a 9-5 take the kids to and from school go eat lunch go on field trips disinfect a house, cook, clean, run errands, do laundry, go to school and maintain a blog. I literally push myself every single day to get everything done)

So this is where we are. This post. In life, there is no handbook. There are no set rules to follow. Things are not black and white. There is no guidelines on how to be a mom. There is no rules for the day to follow. It is crazy. cause sometimes I wish there was. Like with keeping my kid out sick… there is no checklist that tells you ‘yeah she needs to stay home’ Things are never that simple. I wish they were.

 

Day 3 Squat challenge

 

Well its day 3 of the 30 day squats challenge.

And I don’t want to do any squats. Like at all.

Or anything else for that matter.

Why?

Well last night was a bad night. A very anxious night.

So I am exhausted. We woke up 15 minutes late this morning and felt like everything was thrown off. So much so, that I didn’t even make my eggs this morning.

Instead, I just ate left overs from last night then did 25 squats (1 set of 4) and laid with my toddler while she fell asleep.

And now I’m here writing my post about how I’m in a mental funk and that mental funk leads to physical exhaustion. Don’t you just hate when your mental illness gets in the way of things you want to do.

Cause I realized that I have given up on a lot of things because at some point in doing anything I would fall into a mild depression state and just give up.

But I am tired of being fat. It is not healthy. It doesn’t look good. So This Time…..I am not giving up.

I might take a nap…..but I won’t give up. I’ll finish my 100 squats for the day. I’ll go pay some bills. I will pick the kids up from school and get everything done like I do every single day. I cannot let a foul mood destroy a challenge I said I was going to do. And Anxiety is more than a foul mood.

See I have been anxious for a couple days. Since the school shooting. Because that is a terrifying thing. I have a daughter in school. I cannot fathom the idea of anything happening to her at school. The one place where she is supposed to feel safe. I had issues letting her go to school last year because it was her first year. Separation anxiety. I wasn’t ready for her to spend that many hours away from me. But she loves school. She hates when she is sick and has to miss school. I just told my husband last night that if anything ever happened (and I pray all the time that it will never) to the girls…. I don’t think I would be able to cope. At all.

So today… I will work thru my anxiety to get motivated. Because if I don’t.. I might start getting depressed again.

Find yourself

 

When you first realize you are battling a mental illness….its hard. But things start to make sense. Its like ‘oh… so thats what was happening.’ ‘Thats why I’m like that’ But as time goes on you start to lose who you are… you become your illness.

This is the new you. And sometimes it is hard to imagine what it was like before your life became so consumed with battling your demons.

I think it is important if you’re battling a mental illness, or anyone in general, to take time to rediscover themselves. To decompress. To learn what it is like to have just a few moments where you are at peace.

It doesn’t matter how you do it actually. That is the great part about it. Just do anything you love to do at least once a week. But sometimes that is not in the plans. I know life is hectic….things happen. You push your you time back and put others first. At least try to have a you time once a month.

For me….my me time involves photography. And editing photos. But it is winter so going out and taking photos is kind of hard but I do work with the site called Mendr where you can send in your photos via a phone app to have them edited. So, if you don’t like how a photo looks, like maybe there is trash in the background, you should download the Mendr app. Maybe I’ll get your photo… Or maybe comment below and i’ll tell you how I can directly edit your photo thru the Mendr app.

Fan  letter

It’s time for yet another fan letter. This time its to a female artist who has used her star power to give those with mental illness a voice….


Dear Demi Lovato,

I started a blog because I suffer from anxiety disorder and sometimes battle minor bouts of depression. The death of Chester Bennington inspired me to get my voice out there to fight the stigma surrounding mental illness. But it is your strength, your openness and your willpower that inspire me to keep pushing.

I watched your documentary and I must say that I was in awe over your transparency. Please don’t take that the wrong way. A lot of people tend to take a lot of what I say in a negative manner. I’m not sure why. What I mean is that you were so open and honest. You were blunt.  You allowed fans to see your struggles for what they truly are. You didn’t sugar coat anything. Anyone watching got to see mental illness for what it really is. And I applaud you. Mental illness has never been in the front as it was in your documentary. Which is amazing. Because the world has placed such a stigma on even the word mental illness let alone anyone who has mental illness.

You are more than just an artist. you are a role model. You are a voice for those who cannot mutter a sound. You stand tall and you stand proud. If  I can be anything like you… I would be honored.

Signed,

An anxious fan

#MentalIllness is NOT a fashion statement

Now usually I have all of my blog post scheduled. I work on them. I write them out on paper before I type them up and then I decide which days I want them to go out.

Well….as I was scrolling thru facebook this morning…. I found this. and well. I just had to write about it because it is seriously pissing me off..

I am a huge Nirvana fan. I know I was a toddler when Kurt Cobain’s light went out and we lost a legend. As it was written, he joined the 27 club. The club of many talented artist who lost their lives at the mere age of 27. Which is sad.

But this shirt. and the post that the female wearing the shirt wrote… that is just showing the stigma we who truly suffer a mental illness are surrounded with every day. And if looking at that post doesn’t piss you off…. I don’t know what will.

I shared the image on my personal facebook page with a mean message written with it because I was heated. I was seriously heated. Here’s why.

The letter that is sadly posted on that shirt was written to Cobain’s childhood imaginery friend. It was his inner most thoughts, his dark, sad thoughts. How would you feel if your journal or you personal diary was posted on a shirt for anyone to make a mockery of. That is what this is. it is a mockery.

Now I know anyone can Google Kurt Cobain’s suicide note to read it. I have done it myself when I was researching his life. I have alway been fascinated with the mind of the man who wrote Smells Like Teen Spirit, Heart Shape Box, Lithium, and many others that have been my anthems duing my most angstiest stages of my life.

I still listen to Nirvana to this day and I think that I will always listen to them. They were so genius. They were ahead of their time.

Now to the death of Cobain. I know that I wasn’t but a few years old when it happened and couldn’t possibly understand at that time what it meant. But as I got older I was always curious. There is actually many conspiracy theories about the way that he left us. I don’t think the world will ever really know the truth. and we have to come to term with that.

(It is one of the hardest things about suicide. Is coming to terms with not know why or how or what was going on in their minds in the moments leading up to that moment. )

Lets take a look at what happened after he died. There was an epidemic of copy cat suicides around the world. Many young people thought that they couldn’t cope and we didn’t just lose Cobain. We lost a lot of people in that time. I actually wrote a paper about it when I was taking a psychology class. It was a sad time.

So now back to this shirt. It is insensitive in the least. It is a slap in the face of those who took their lives shortly after Cobain. It is a knife in the heart of Frances Cobain, Kurt’s daughter. Do you really think that she would want people wearing her dad’s suicide note around like they are being fashionable? It is distasteful.

It could actually be a trigger. For those who are suffering with a mental illness. Who are on the brink of the edge. The edge of no return.

This shirt is taking the #BreakTheStigma movement 10 steps back and I feel that we all need to rally together against this.

Let me know what you think about this awful shirt.

Doesn’t belong

I read a quote by someone named JM Storm that says

“Before you pass judgement on one who is self-destructing, it is important to remember they usually aren’t trying to destroy themselves. They’re trying to destroy something that doesn’t belong.”

Now this isn’t always true. Sometimes people self-destruct for very selfish reasons like attention. I have known quite a few people who only do things like cutting when they feel no one is paying any attention to them. It is like they thrive on drama.

I am a drama free person. I hate drama.  I distance myself from as much drama as possible. But unfortunately everyone seems to call me when they’re stuck in drama like I am some sort of savior. I am not Emma Swann

But there are those silent self-destruct types who only tear themselves apart where no one can see. If you don’t look hard enough, you will probably miss it.

Now I’ve said this before, but you should never pass judgement. You never know what someone is going thru or has been thru. I have been judged so many times for so many things. I think it is everything that I have been thru that allows me to sympathize with others so well.

Fan letter: Dear Chester

 

I looked up journal prompts and some that may help with your mental health. One was to write a fan letter and you don’t actually have to send it. But if there is a certain celebrity that you relate to, one who has helped you thru a difficult time, writing your fan letter may help you to understand why they’re so important to you. So today… I am writing one to someone who is sadly no longer with us…..

Dear Chester Bennington,

It has been a little over 5 months since you left us. And I am pretty sure I speak for may fans when I say missing you hasn’t gotten any easier. I hope that you’re out there somewhere safe, somewhere warm… somewhere your demons can no longer torment you. And I hope you know how loved you are and always will be.

I want to thank you for always fighting for mental health. You laid out all of your problems in your songs and millions of fans, including myself, related to everything that you said. Thank you for being a voice for us when we didn’t feel like we had one.

There are way to many songs for me to list that spoke to me. Spoke to my soul and spoke me out of my anxiety. Helped me crawl my way out of depression. Your songs were my go to for my mental state. There is always a song in your library of genius that held some sort of meaning for me.

I can never say enough for what you meant to me… and its not just me. There are millions of fans around the world who felt the same way. And it is even worse with the fact that we missed your signs. The signs that you needed a friend. The signs that things were getting bad again. I’m sorry.

I’m sorry we never truly saw all the pain in your eyes. And I know that I never knew you personally….and never would have been more than just a random fan…. a body in a crowd. But I can’t help but wish that maybe I could have done something. anything to help you get thru your pain. To help you keep fighting. But you slipped thru our fingers.

The world lost a legend. The world lost a magnificent voice who helped lonely people like myself every single day. I bought the One More Light Live cd… and I can’t stop listening to it. It is the last Live album you’ll ever have. I feel like if I stop listening to the CD… you’ll truly be gone. And I know that you are in a better place… And I know I am being ‘silly’ being so tore up about a celebrity I never knew. But I feel like turning off the CD will put the final nail in the coffin.. You know? It would make it more real. At least if I keep playing the CD… I can keep hearing your voice. I’m not ready to give that up yet. I know that I can always play any of your cd’s or watch any of the videos on youtube to see you. But it is just something about this Live album that makes it more significant. Mike’s Instagram live listen of it didn’t help either. I feel his pain

You see… I lost a friend that was really close to me 7 years ago. It was unexpected and I thought I was going to see him again in a couple days… those couple of days will never come. I have never taken death very well and I am an overly emotional person. But I have never been to a memorial over a celebrity before…until you Chester.

your love for your family and fans was so strong that I was pulled to go. I felt like I needed to go. And when we all sang One More Light… there wasn’t a dry eye in the room. We care Chester. We care if one more light goes out. And for as long as I live…. I will be shining my light as bright as I can and work as hard as I can to break the stigma.

I applaud your wife Chester. She is one strong woman. When she has all the right to hide from the world and mourn…. she is standing tall with your love and fighting for you fans. She is fighting for mental health. She is fighting for you. She is a role model by all means.

Linkin Park doesn’t know what they’re going to do without you. And part of me feels like it’s not Linkin Park without you in it..without your fabulous voice… without your powerful screams….But I also know that they need to be able to mourn… They need to be able to move on. If they decide to continue as a band…and they should…they’re brothers….I will always support them. And I know that they will honor your memory in the best way possible.

Thank you for everything you did for your fans. All of your songs. All of your smiles.

We will always miss you.

Signed,

Just a fan.