Shouldn’t Apologize

Okay so it last night I happened to look at our calendar that is hanging on the wall that faces the laundry room. Since the laundry room is right off the garage…it is the wall we see the most when we come in the house.

I happened to look up and see that my kid is taking lunch twice this week. Considering we did a bit of spring cleaning yesterday… I knew we had exactly one lunchable in the fridge. So after my kids take a bath and I take a shower… I ask her what did she want for lunch tomorrow since I had forgotten…come on everyone forgets sometimes. I asked what she wanted for the two days she’s taking lunch and of course she asks for two different lunchables that we don’t have on hand.

So there I was at 8 PM still needing to take a test going to the store with wet hair. On my way back from the store, I pass a church that has a message that I found quite interesting on their sign. It said ‘if you’re doing it right, you shouldn’t apologize for it’.

And it hit me quite hard the whole way home. Why?

Well I am known for apologizing all the time. Even when I am right. Even when I am doing things the way they should be. I think I am apologizing because I am worried that I am hurting someones feelings.

Even if I am telling the truth, I have been known to go back an apologize for saying something that might have hurt someone’s feelings. Sometimes I feel like I am constantly walking on glass, afraid that anything I say or do will cause the glass to crack or break and I’ll fall. What I mean is that I constantly worry about things I do or say and how they may affect those around me. Like what if I say something wrong and this person feels hurt.

This actually comes from dealing with my brother. I constantly want to tell him off. Or tell him the truth to his face instead of sugar coating things. But I don’t. Why? well my brother has been known to be overly sensitive in the sense that if you tell him he’s being stupid or an idiot….he’ll want to cut himself. This has been going on for many many years. So…

My point of this post is..

Stop!

Stop caring what others might or might not feel. It is not your job to baby anyone’s feelings or take care of how they react. I mean if you’re an adult and you’re talking to an adult… then they should act accordingly.

If you are doing right by you. By your health. You should never have to apologize for anyone else.

This kind of goes back to the post about the worst feeling is having to hide your pain for someone else’s emotions.

Yeah…we need to stop doing that.

I say we because I am completely guilty. All the time.

But if we’re going to break the stigma surrounding our mental health….then we need to stop giving a crap how we make others feel when they’re around us. It is not our job to make sure they’re comfortable. Either they take us as we are…or there’s the door. That sounds so horrible and rude. But it is the truth. For our mental health we shouldn’t surround ourselves with people who force us to be a fake version of ourselves.

Drop a comment….let’s start a conversation about mental health 🙂

Out of a bad mood

So with a mental illness like anxiety, your moods can kind of switch really fast and sometimes well most of the time you’re in a bad mood.

So how do you get out of the bad mood?

For me. I watch youtube videos. I sing. I dance around. Green Day is a great band to listen to when you just need to jump around. Which makes your bad mood kind of disappear.

But I mean I don’t just turn it on and instantly drop my mood. No it takes time. It takes a process. it takes a few videos. But with Green Day…. I usually get out of the mood pretty fast. sometimes.

Another thing is watching my favorite bands be just like everyone else. We see them as celebrities and for some reason society holds them to this higher standard so when I see Pete Wentz do something silly it makes me smile. Or Brendon Urie. Or even Patrick Stump.

My last bad mood was because of 2 seperate anxiety attacks within 5 hours of eachother that when I got home I just started surfing youtube and found a video of Patrick Stump performing Uma Thurman on the acoustic guitar. He did the Munster part and I was in awe. Like I need to pick up a guitar again just so I can learn that. He doesn’t need autotune and is so flipping talented. I mean, I feel like the MANIA album was a testament to the vocal capabilities that is Patrick Stump.

When I am in a bad mood, I force myself even if I don’t want to, to play with my kids. Because kids do the darndest things. They can be so flipping cute sometimes even if they drive you bonkers.

So how do you guys get out of a bad mood???

Empty Cup

I like to help anyone and everyone. It is just who I am. Honestly. My friend was a stay at home mom and her husband lost his job because he was late to work for the last time and it cause a final strike even though he had a dr note from where their child had been hurt.

So I calculated a month amount of their bills….and my husband and I gave them the money. I say my husband because I run things by him because we’re a team and he hardly ever tells me no because I have explained so many times how important it is to put good into the world.

It didn’t matter to me that we might not be able to go on vacation that summer.. It really didn’t because a vacation to the beach is not a necessity. But my friends kids having a roof and food….that is a necessity to me because I look at those boys like they’re my nephews. And I wouldn’t want to see them go without because a stupid job wouldn’t accept a doctors note for his son.

I am not trying to make myself look good. I was just providing an example of one of the times that we helped others because it is something that is important to us to help others.

I cannot count the times that I have just been there to listen for others which is actually a really hard thing for me because I am an overly empatheic person and I feel their pain. I feel all of their emotions. I draw off of others emotions. And it is pretty awful. Because feeling too many emotions from others can be draining. Both emotionally and metnally.

So if you’re that type of person who is constantly there for others. You’re the one who everyone calls. You constantly got your hand out reaching to help anyone and everyone up… Please know that you need to take time to heal yourself. You need time to decompress. you need time to refill yourself. Because you cannot fill from an empty cup.

I know that it is tempting and you feel obligated to keep going and helping others when you are barely hanging in there. I know how hard it is to say no. But you need time to get yourself back together. I hate saying no. But I have had to learn how to say no because I have come to realize that there are people out there who will keep taking from you and not care when you’re empty.

They will keep calling and begging you to come running until you’re so tired you run off the road (luckily that has never happened to me) They will berate you and yell at you and call you names because you put yourself first. But that is ok. Let them call names. Let them talk. Let them figure shit out for themselves. There is no where in the world that says you have to be their personal superhero.

And if they cannot understand that you need to get yourself back together either emotionally or metnally….did they ever really care about you?

Because my circle has become so small for this exact reason. I have cut people out and stopped helping them because they’re taking advantage of me. They just want to use me. They just want what I can offer. But when my tank is empty…when I need someone….they’re never there.

You don’t have to keep being taken advantage of. You control who you help who you see who is worthy of you.

Don’t let others tell you that they deserve to take every ounce from your cup. Because they don’t deserve anything.

I am sorry if this is a long rant. Please remember that you need to help yourself before you can help others. It is like in an airplane. They tell you to put your oxygen mask on first before helping others. That is the same in everyday life. If you’re exhausted mentally, physicall and emotionally you do not have to help anyone else. You have to recharge your batteries because you are so important.

Just as important

We live in an age where being fit and having the perfect body is what you’re supposed to do. I remember being a teen looking at all these magazines thinking I was the fattest cow in the history of teen girls because I didn’t look like that.

Because I was fat. Because I was chunky. Because I wasn’t a size 0.

And as I grew up, this ideal of stick thin is still constantly being pushed down our throats like some sort of medicine that we need. There is no spoon full of sugar to make that ever okay.

Yes, if you are a size 0 it is okay. It’s perfectly fine. But if you’re not a 0, that is okay too.

What society is doing to an entire generation is causing mental issues because we are not who we see on the cover of magazines. And what those magazines don’t tell you….is a lot of the time they use photoshop to gain the perfect picture. To remove cellulite, to remove blemishes, to make their arms and legs skinner and to make them tanner.

We’re promoting this stick figure as the perfect physical health. That if we exercise more and eat better than we can obtain this idealistic perfect physical health that makes us look like that.

Uhm, no thank you.

Because what you’re promoting is turning an entire generation into low self esteem kids who might turn to anerxic methods or bulemic methods to obtain that idea of perfect. Which is causing so much more mental issues than not. And what this promotion doesn’t do is provide information on how to do things that won’t cause mental damage. They’re not providing methods to make sure that our mental health is okay. they’re pushing that physical health is more important than mental health and it is not.

Being a chunky is okay.

Let me repeat that. BEING CHUNKY IS OK. in case you didn’t read that.

Your mental health is just as important as your overall physical health. Because how are you going to be happy wearing a size 4 if you damaged your mental well being by convincing yourself that you won’t be pretty until you are that size?!?

Okay….now I am fat. I really am. According to the doctor’s charts I am obese. But hey…. having 2 kids in 5 years and a major car accident during a pregnancy which cause back and hip issues make things hard to do. Certain exercises I cannot do because it is just too painful. I am trying to lose weight. I am about 4 sizes away from where I was in high school so I am working on it

But I am that point in my life where I would rather keep my physical and mental health equal. that doesn’t mean that I am okay being fat. What that means is that I am not going to obsess over being thin to the point that looking at myself and seeing all the fat and cellulite and stretch marks will make me hate myself. Which I mean I already have a low self esteem but I don’t believe that losing a crap ton of weight will make my self esteem any better.

Which is what a lot of people are doinng these days. They think hey if I just lose this weight, if I just lose 50 more pounds then I will be happy, I will be more confident. It won’t happen that way.

If you have that type of mind set, you will always be miserable with yourself and your mental health will only decline.

I know this seems like a big rant about the media portrayal of healthy. But I promise its not.

What I am trying to say is that in your journey to a healthier you…take time to make sure that your mental health is okay too. Because if you’re just focusing on your outer appearance… your inner self might be breaking….

Mental health is just as important as physical health.

Searching for those like me

I hate attention.

Literally hate being the center of attention

I avoid it at all possible.

I have suffered alone for many, many years.

So I know how depressing it can be to have a panic attack and NO ONE notices. NO ONE cares.

I get it.

And honestly…. I hate feeling like I am alone. I hate feeling like no one understands me.

Luckily, as my circle grew smaller from those who only used me… I found one friend who suffers with anxiety, depression, panic attacks and PTSD. We balance each other I think. We listen to each other. Literally.  If I stop at her house when I’ve had an anxiety attack… I end up staying there for goodness 2 to 3 hours just from talking. and our conversations drift to random topics so seamlessly.

But I am getting off topic….that darn attention thing again.

What I have been doing since Chester Bennington passed is searching Twitter.

You see….When Kurt Cobain died….The world saw a massive number of copy cat suicides. Because they felt that if Cobain couldn’t make it…then how could they. Right? It is hard to see one of your idols who you relate to leave us in such a traumatic way. It is awful.

Linkin Park spoke to me thru so many situations. I remember being 9 years old listening to them on MTV. Chester was so pretty (and it hurts to say was, I keep wanting to say is)  His vocal ability was so inspiring. I mean here is this guy who can sing and then scream with such ease. The words he sang….I could relate to many things that I personally went thru growing up. Even now… I can listen to these old songs and relate them to things that I see or feel today.

You see, I am the type of person who feels music. I don’t just hear a beat and hear some random words. I feel them. I can listen to a song a million times if it speaks to me. If it moves me emotionally.

(I feel like I have said this before. and if I have… I am sorry)

So since we lost Chester in July. I been looking for people on Twitter who express their mental health. Especially those who feel alone. Those who are experiencing panic attacks or feeling depressed. And just letting them know. Hey, you are not alone. I am sending positive thoughts your way.

Typically I just simply say ‘sending positive thoughts your way’ It is a simple and easy way that I can spread kindness. That I can let them know they are not alone. There are others out here that feel the same way.

Now I am not posting this to gain any attention.

My sole purpose is that well I have about 96 followers now. Which I am ecstatic about. Thank you guys. I am more thankful that you could ever know. But if each one of you guys searches twitter for any mental health condition and just let one person know that they’re not alone, that you’re thinking about them….Then maybe…just maybe…we will be that closer to making it easier to talk about our issues.

How is it that a patient with heart failure gets sympathy but those suffering with a chemical imbalance gets shunned? Now please don’t read that the wrong way. My dad had heart failure. He had 3 heart attacks before he passed. I feel for everyone who has anything going on in their life (that’s the overly empathetic part of me again.) But I also don’t think it is right that we who suffer a mental illness should feel like we have to suffer alone because the world cannot show an ounce of empathy to what we may be going thru on a daily basis.

So what do you say guys???? Will you send a tweet to a random person letting them know that you are thinking about them?? That they’re not suffering alone? That there are others like them???

No Instructions

As all of you know…. I have been doing this squat challenge.

Yesterday, I managed to do 100 all at once. Which was a wonderful thing. I haven’t been able to do that. I had been breaking it down into 4 sections of 25.  And I did them first thing in the morning.

Which was a victory! yay me.

But that might have been one of the 2 things that were good yesterday.

The other thing was….well I like to meal plan. I like to have extra food. Because growing up…..we really didn’t have food. Hunger is a real pain that I knew as a kid. So I typically spend most of my money stock piling food.

So Sunday, my girls are coughing and its like a bark and they’re running fevers. Only one is in school so I decided to keep her home yesterday hoping it was a simple bug that would disappear as fast as it reared its ugly little head.

Well as they’re granny (my mom) shows up to spend time with the sick kids, I decide it is the perfect day to go to the meat market because well you can buy in bulk cheap. Which I did and that is where my other victory came in because I break the down into freezer bags to store in our deep freezer. I like to buy about 2 months worth at a time so I am only making that big purchase once every two month. So I bought a little over 80 lbs of chicken and ground beef for only $258. It broke down into 40 bags of ground beef at a little over a pound per bag and 29 bags of chicken. Victory! cause if you’re trying to buy that same amount in the grocery store when you go shopping you’re looking at way more than that. I was thrilled. Because I did the math…it came down to about $3 per pound when in the store its $5 per pound roughly.

That is where my victories ended.

My youngest hasn’t pooped (sorry if that is too much information, she’s 1.) And lucky me… I ran out of apple juice and apple sauce. Which in my kids is an instant cleanser. So while I am trying to put the meat away she is constipated and crying because her stomach hurts. She is screaming. She is throwing a tantrum. Because not only is she hurting…it is wayyyy past nap time. And she is fighting her granny who is trying to love on her and help her go to sleep. I mean literally fighting. The throwing the head back scream flailing type that only kids can master.

(*Now I am not sure why I feel that this needs to be said. But whenever I do the meat market day… I sanitize my entire kitchen and wash my hands like five times before I touch meat and wash them five times when changing meat. I freak out over the possibility of contaminating my food.*)

After all the meat issues is said and done and the baby has fallen asleep I do my victory dance for 2.5 seconds. Because my dog….who was in his kennel because he tried to bite my kid and we’re trying to rehome him decided to crap all in the cage. Apparently, he’s sick. The food my kids like to slip him thru the cracks (because they still love him even tho he’s aggressive) has turned his stomach. So I shut him in the laundry room and sanitize his kennel…. Then I rush to give him a bath because who doesn’t like warm water being washed over you when you’re sick… Then it is back in the kennel for him.

Not even 5 minutes after I put him in there does he do it again. Poor dog. and poor me because everything that I had just done….has to be redone. Crap.

Now my oldest is coughing her head off, hacking up her itty bitty lungs. and I am running around like a chicken without a head. I am pushing the limit on my heart racing trying to get everything done….

Cough meds and water is provided then I give the dog another bath. Pull out my hair dryer and on low setting I dry him. Because well I am weird.

He’s back in the kennel….and starts whining. So I am like great. Let me take him out before I have to clean this cage again….. Before I can even get to him…..it happens. but this time he doesn’t get anything on him.. So good boy…

I put him in the laundry room again and sanitize the kennel again. The smell has turned my stomach by now.

The kennel is done. he’s back in.

Okay, maybe I can sit down for two minutes.

Nope. he starts whining. By this time the baby is up. She can’t breathe thru her nose. Its so full of mucus. She’s barking away. So because she’s only a year…she will be two soon… I go in search for the medicine she can have. Now I know I only have a few moments to get things done. so I rush to give the baby meds. Throw my shoes on. Grab the leash and me and the dog are on our way outside.

He does his business…..then somehow… I am still not sure how… He manages to break loose and RUNS. I mean he literally takes off as fast as a shooting bullet. And I am sick on my stomach and cannot run. Well, that is no excuse. I literally cannot run on a good day.

By now.. I am yelling for him. Chasing him. Trying to get him. And crying. Everything that could have gone wrong yesterday. did.

I was on the verge of a breakdown. Luckily….my neighbor helped me capture the dog.

 

So here comes this post. And honestly… I have been thinking about this topic for awhile. It was going to be different. It was going to be about my 6 year old who has began taking 30 minutes to simply get dressed. That is not including getting her hair done..she’s mixed so not too simple. Doesn’t include brushing her teeth or getting shoes and coat on. Oh No. It is simply putting a shirt, pants and socks on. THIRTY MINUTES.. That is crazy. I can get dressed in 5. And it is only recently that she has begun doing this. So that is what this post was going to be about.

But life is funny that way. Apparently. There was a reason why I hadn’t gotten around to writing about it until today. Because. Anxiety shows itself in some weird ways.

Yesterday was such an exhausting day for anyone. Even if you don’t suffer from anxiety. But because I do….it took a lot out of me. I am still feeling the effects of it. But when you’re a mom and your kids are sick….there is no off button. There is no handbook.

My kids kept barking all day yesterday and their fevers kept going up and down that I decided it was time to go to the doctor. Now I do not  take sickness lightly and I also don’t go running to the doctor offices with every single fever. So last night…..I sat for at least an hour weighing the pros and cons of everything. I knew I wasn’t sending her to school because she hadn’t been fever free for 24 hours without the help of tylenol. But did I really want to take them for a cold to the doctor and possibly expose them to the flu.

So I decided that if their fevers kept coming back….then I would take them. They are my whole life. I would lay down on a puddle of water so they could cross without getting wet. I give them my all, all the time. Because I am their mom. They have also kicked their daddy to the couch to sleep with their mom because they’re sick and I guess being mommy makes it better. My poor husband.

It is a good thing I did decide to take them. Not only was the doctor not crowded. But they have the flu and we caught it in the time frame that giving meds can help. So that was my day. And tomorrow…. I am disinfecting the entire house. No sleep for me. Work work work work. (on a side note. It is days like these that make me wonder how I could work a 9-5 take the kids to and from school go eat lunch go on field trips disinfect a house, cook, clean, run errands, do laundry, go to school and maintain a blog. I literally push myself every single day to get everything done)

So this is where we are. This post. In life, there is no handbook. There are no set rules to follow. Things are not black and white. There is no guidelines on how to be a mom. There is no rules for the day to follow. It is crazy. cause sometimes I wish there was. Like with keeping my kid out sick… there is no checklist that tells you ‘yeah she needs to stay home’ Things are never that simple. I wish they were.

 

P.S I love you

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Okay…. I admit… I love this movie. I really do and the book makes you cry too.

And it is a scary topic to think about. You want to cry. I mean especially if you have a mental illness…..

In my case. Death terrifies me. I am worried about how my kids will live on and my husband. What if I die before my mom. Could she handle it? What if they are devastated to the point that they cannot cope. I wouldn’t want my kids to feel that way. I would want them to be strong. But I couldn’t guarantee that if I was dead. This is something I fear a lot. Like I want them to remember me. I want to be with them forever.

But other than my kids…. who else would remember me? No one. I am not a memorable person. I have had no big impact on this world. Hell, you guys might not even know what I look like.

But as usual I am off topic… to an extent. Damn attention span.

Now I watched the movie before I read the book and I just can’t logically comprehend the logistics of this story.

For one. aren’t the characters made out to be barely making it financially? Then how could Gerry plan such extravagant plans after his death.

Now I can understand the letters. That can be written well in advance and plans can be made with people to disperse them at certain times. But the trip to Ireland. If you’re considering the financial standings that they’re supposed to be in…. Then how could Gerry plan such a trip to Ireland. I mean I would literally like to know. I would love to go to Ireland and just listen to the Natives talk. I would never come home. That accent is like angels whispering in your ear. Irish and Scottish  are my two accent weakness….and Hugh Jackman but he’s from Australia… so he’s an exception.

I do love the movie and I love the book. I mean I am a hopeless romantic at heart. However, I find it kind of insensitive how fast she dealt with this tragic death and how fast it was pushed for her to move on romantically. Honestly. I mean if anything happened to my husband. I would probably take years and years and years before I could possibly move on. Even that would be incredibly difficult to deal with. I mean I’ve been with this man for 9 years. And I knew I wanted to marry him six months into our relationship.

I understand this is the movie business and they only have so many minutes to tell their story but the tie line for grieving a husband drives me insane.

Just another random rant