Never a victim

 

If you assume that every problem in your life is a lesson, then you will never feel like a victim. Now with a mental illness like anxiety…..or even depression, it can make this a hard job to accomplish.

Now I have been thru the ringer in my life. I feel like I have dealt with every type of abuse there is. While my brother, who abused me and our other brother, called it just being a brother…..being punched in the face at 5 years old because you wanted to tell your mom what he made you do….doesn’t really feel like just a sibling fight. I have only ever had one black eye in my life and its from my brother. It wasn’t always physical with my brother either….. I used to love eating a slice of bread. We didn’t have a lot of food growing up and a slice of bread was my snack….. Everytime he saw me eating a piece of bread….he would tell me that I was fat or I was getting fat. At 10 years old I wasn’t even 70 pounds…. While I am fat now…. I wasn’t always…. The pounds didn’t start adding up til I started getting depressed. Then there was the sexual abuse when I was 5. It wasn’t at the hands of my brother….but he was there. He could have stopped it. But he didn’t.

Now I could have continued to feel like the victim. I sure have seen a lot of people continue to play the victim years and years after the fact. For instance, I worked with a girl who was over the top dramatic and would always make an excuse for the way she acted. If she got in trouble for speaking wrong to another employee or customer, she would make it about the abuse she had experienced. Oh I lashed out because my husband use to do it to me. Or she was always trying to lose weight. She was taking diet pill and not eating. She said it was the best way for her to drop weight because her ex used to make her so that she could be skinny enough for him. Then she would give blood and pass out. Even after eating. It would be hours after giving blood and after she had lunch, she would ‘pass out’ but only when there were a big group of people around her. She played the victim because it brought her attention.

I have been abused. Instead of playing the victim every time something goes wrong. I choose to look at it as a lesson. Well at least I try and that is all we can do. My brother caused me to have severe body image issues. Instead of having an eating disorder to be a certain weight that my brother thought I should have been…. I instead choose to love my curves. Yes, I am fat. But I am going to the gym. My husband and I have started going to the gym twice a week for an hour to an hour and a half. We are trying to get in shape together.

My brother was the problem child. He cause our mother to become stricter on myself and our other brother. I had spent my entire childhood and teenage years fighting to prove that I am not my brothers. That I was going to graduate. That I wasn’t going to party. That I wasn’t going to get in trouble with the law. That I wasn’t them. It cause my perfection attitude. It sucks. It causes anxiety when I can’t do something perfectly. My brother is the victim. Alot. He’s the cutter. He’s the one that has OD on his medication. He’s the one that has been arrested multiple times. The only that loses his license a lot. Whenever he gets in trouble…..he blames anyone else. Mainly my mom or my dad. He was 10 when my mom left my dad. So he had 10 years of being called dumb ass or being physically abused. Once when he brought home bad grades, my dad made him stand at the street with a sign saying he was a dumb ass. But he didn’t start blaming our dad until our dad died. Now he blames him for everything because dad can’t defend himself and none of us were close to our dad enough to defend him. No. for 20+ year he blamed our mom. Because she moved us from her family to where we are now. because she had him arrested for having drugs in the house. For sending him to job core to try to better his life. For sending him to our dad so that maybe our dad could help him. He is always the victim. ALWAYS. No matter what. If he got drunk and drove and got pulled over….he some how made it about our mom. And he use to lash out at her and make her cry a lot. Until I got old enough that I was no longer scared of him. Now I wish he would try to make her cry.

If you look at things as a lesson….then you’ll never feel like a victim. I could feel like a victim for being used to the point of being broke. Saying things like if they didn’t keep asking me I wouldn’t be broke…. But no. As much as I want to help. I have learned that I can’t. I have to let people fall sometimes. I just have to. If they don’t fail sometimes….then they would never learn how to stand on their own. It is a work in progress. I am constantly trying to change my mindset whenever something bad happens.

Cyber bullying

So I have this friend that I met thru some sad circumstances.  We met at the Chester memorial. It wasn’t the best way to meet someone, but I am glad that I did. We have connected on social media and I love seeing her posts as she has gone thru some tough situations lately and come out on top swinging.  She is a warrior.

Now every morning I wake up around 6 am and scroll thru facebook to see whats going on. See what I have missed since the day before. Cause honestly, I am not on facebook as much as I used to be when I was younger. There is just not enough time in the day to spend that much time on one thing like social media. There is also just so much awfulness in the world today that spending too much time on social media can be kind of depressing.

So the other day I was on facebook and I saw a post from said friend. Now I usually love reading her post because she usually posts something inspirational or entertaining. However, not this day. She posted about being cyber bullied. She had an interaction with someone who could not argue at the same intellect as her, because well she is absolutely brilliant. So since they couldn’t argue on the same intellect, they decided to target her weight and insinuate that she is Miss Piggy from the muppets. Seriously. The worst part was that it was a grown adult stooping to such a middle school tactic.

In the post, my friend stated that this wasn’t the first time that she has been targeted for her weight and in all honesty, it probably won’t be the last. I should know. I am in my view, fat. In the doctors charts I am obese. (I swear I work out and try to eat healthy as much as I can. Honestly, working out is really hard because of the car wreck messed my hips up. But this isn’t about me right now)  She made the post letting her friends and family know that this had happened because she is awesome. She shined a light on something that had happened to her. Something that shouldn’t. She is shedding light on cyber bullying.

Is she supermodel skinny? No. Is she happy? Yes. Is she healthy? Yes, I have seen all the post where her and her family are trying to eat right and be healthy. So why does the fact that she isn’t a size 2 grounds for bullying?  Sadly, this is something that is happening every day. Every day somewhere in the world someone is being bullied.

Do they care that this can cause someone with extreme depression to have suicidal thoughts? Do they care that bullying actually causes some to take their own lives? Do they care that bullying someone with a mental illness can send them over the deep end?

While mental illness is something that has been frowned upon for so long, there are many who are bringing light to this illness. In the wake of the passing of Chester Bennington, his wife, Talinda Bennington, as well as best friend and band mate, Mike Shinoda, have spent the year since his passing spreading the word on his illness and trying to provide a platform for those who haven’t felt like they could open up about their illness.Cyber bullying is something that is only talked about when it has gone too far. It is up to us as human beings to shine a light not only on mental health and bullying.

Now my friend may suffer from mental illness but she has taken this incident with courage and amazing stride. She didn’t let this person get to her. Well maybe it did a little. But it hasn’t pushed her over the age because she is amazing and fantastic. But cyber bullying is NEVER okay. You should never result to insulting someone’s figure, size, family or anything else because you cannot match the argument at the same intellect as the other person. I am going to repeat this again.

 

Cyber Bullying is NEVER okay!!

 

Since becoming a mom

 

When you become a mom…..everything changes.  I don’t just mean your body either. I mean everything changes.

Your body does change. I have had two kids and still haven’t lost all the baby weight. It sucks. I also have more stretch marks than I have ever thought I would. Taste buds change. your sleep patterns change. The way you think changes.

If you had an anxiety or depression issue before kids, it changes as well. Before kids, my anxiety or depression level only rose due to stress. The more stressed I was the more depressed or anxious I was.

However, since having kids…. I get anxious over pretty much anything. I have days where I just feel down or blue, depressed. Now I work very hard to get thru these days so that it doesn’t affect my kids or those around me.

But when my first kid was born….something changed deep inside me.  My brother likes to say that I became a bitch. Because I would no longer allow him to run over me. I was stronger because I had this little person dependent on me. I had to be that person who would fight for her tooth and nail.

 

Becoming a mom… it is one the most amazing things that I could have ever asked for. I love it. I love my girls. I love how they made me grow and change. I was 19 when I got pregnant with my first kid. Because of her, I grew up. I didn’t become some couch jumping young adult with nothing going on in their life. The minute I had that positive pregnancy test in front of me. I knew. I knew that moment that I wanted to be a great mom. That I would fight tooth and nail to be that kind of mom. We literately started from the bottom. We were barely able to pay for a motel room each week. From there staying with friends and family. To our own apartment, then to staying with my mom, to a trailer and now owning our own home. I have fought for everything we have. For my kids. When I was little, we didn’t always have food, water, or lights. Things were difficult. I knew when I looked at my first pregnancy test that I wouldn’t ever let my kid know how it felt to be hungry because there was no food in the house. I didn’t care what kind of job I had to take,  I didn’t care about how many jobs I had to work. We were going to be okay.

My kids give me drive. They give me passion. They give me a reason. The person I am today, is because I became a mom.

 

What changes have you experienced since becoming a mom.  or dad

Good for mental health

 

I don’t know if you can tell that I decided to create this blog because I have a mental illness and there is such a stigma around mental health that it can make it hard to talk about it. That is why I decided to write about it. Write about me. My struggles. My issues. My anxiety. Because not only do I want to lend a hand in breaking the stigma like Mike Shinoda, Anna Shinoda and Talinda Bennington. But I feel better when I write about what is going on. It helps to get it out. I know you all could judge me. But what I have seen from the first time I started writing is that you guys do not judge. In fact, many of you are very understanding because what I am going through many of you have been through.

It is so amazing to know that other than my best friend, there are others like me. And I will continue to write as long as I can.

I find that writing about the things that make you depressed or anxious is a great exercise in the step to understanding what is your trigger. Notice that I didn’t say get better. or fix it. Because I will always have this battle. It is not something that you can just get over. Even though people like to assume that you can just get over it. You can’t. It is just impossible. There is a chemical imbalance in my brain that I don’t know can be fixed.

Writing allows you to describe what is wrong. What happened. And why it made you feel that way. Over time, writing will allow you to define what some of your triggers are. That way in the future, you may be able to either overcome the trigger or identify it so that you can make changes before it triggers you.

Either way, if you have a mental illness…. I suggest keeping a journal of when you have those bad days.

Perfection

 

Perfection and mental health. It is something that isn’t all to uncommon. I am pretty sure that everyone that suffers from mental health struggle with perfection. And it is harder when you know that you’re not normal. That there is something unbalanced in your brain. It’s not perfect.

 

My thing is… I like things done perfectly. Which is why helping my kid with a project that involves artsy stuff, I get very anxious. I am no where near an artsy person. I cannot draw. I cannot see a blank canvas and envision anything other than a blank canvas. Well that isn’t exactly true. I can imagine what it should look like but the execution isn’t my best quality…. Whenever, I try to do anything, it is never the way I imagine. However, when it comes to photography. I am great at that. I take some really great photos and I can edit them to look amazing. I love editing and that is why I started editing with a company called Mendr.

So when it comes to getting other things done, like a project or anything. If it is not perfect, my anxiety flies thru the roof. I just cannot cope. And it is really sad. Because I don’t like my kids to see me be that way. Which is usually why I excuse myself to go take a shower or I say that I need to go t the store so I can freak out without them seeing. However, sometimes my mind doesn’t comprehend that I need to excuse myself and have a little meltdown right where I was standing.

And the fact that I cannot use a hot glue gun without burning myself….turns into the mommy who uses bad words. That glue hurts like crap. And I don’t even see how I burn myself so much. I use all the precautions.

The perfectionist in me goes way beyond the art projects. When my house is a mess, it drives me crazy. If I have a dirty house or clothes just sitting in the dryer for days, it usually signifies that I am either having a anxious time or a depressed time. I think that’s what people really don’t understand about mental health. There are days where you just have a day of depression or anxiety. Like the other day, I started my work late because I was crying and there wasn’t any pin point to why exactly I was crying, I was just depressed and cried. So when I finally got to work and on the phone….. I said the wrong greeting. I messed it completely up. Said the wrong company. I beat myself up for the rest of the shift. I pride myself on having a customer service voice and being helpful and understanding. So when I make one little mistake, I take it seriously and personally. It is even worse when I have customers yelling at me or cussing at me when I didn’t do anything. I am just providing information.  (if you can’t tell I am a sensitive person.)

Like I said, it goes way beyond art projects and my agent at my insurance company knows this. So when he knows that I am coming in to talk about something he usually picks at me. I like the pens being one way. I also have to make sure that the cards are all aligned. It just kind of irks me when they’re not. So I’ll fix them……he’ll mess them up again. It is a silent battle that we have during the whole time I am there. He gets a kick out of it. But he’s not mean about it. So I don’t feel like he’s making fun of me. He’s actually trying to make me feel more comfortable with him so in case I really need my insurance company in the event of a wreck or something, I won’t feel so scared to call, like I was during my last wreck.

Does anyone else feel the uncontrollable need to be a perfectionist and when it isn’t perfect your anxiety/depression kicks up.

Don’t work for me

 

So Yoga is the newest health trend going on recently. Or at least what I have seen. It is like everywhere I turn, someone is doing yoga, thinking about yoga, or suggesting yoga.

Don’t get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with Yoga. I like it. I really do. I try to do it every day. It is great for my sore back and hips. It really stretches the joints out that are stiff. It is great.

However, I cannot do yoga for my mental health.

Whenever I try to explain to someone that I have anxiety with a slight depression, there is always someone who thinks that I should try yoga and meditation to relax and clear my mind.

Oh how I wish.

How I really wish that I could clear my mind. I wonder how it feels to have nothing going on up there. I have tried meditation. I have tried only thinking about my breathing. I have tried to not think about everything else.

I have tried.

But yoga and meditation just don’t work for me. At all. I am either thinking about my kids. Or some other random thought just randomly slips into my mind. There is no end to the constant turning of wheels in my head.

 

Overnight

I think that talking about what I go thru or what I have been thru has helped me master the demon and put it behind me. No longer allowing it to define me. However, it sometimes feels like when I am trying to explain things to those around me, that they’re just overly tired of hearing me ‘cry’ about it. So that is where the hiding began. Not exactly but sort of. When I was 5 something terrible happened to me, I tried to confide in someone I thought was my friend about her brother and she turned around and did the same exact thing. This is where the hiding instead of telling stems from.

And that isn’t the only wrong thing I have seen, been exposed to or dealt with. And a lot of the time I just stopped trying to say anything.

 

That is not the way to live.

Living like that will just continue to build up until you burst. And sometimes it isn’t going to be in a nice way. It could result in crying fits. Or rage. Or lashing out on those you truly love.

So having a blog where I can kind of express my feelings in a way where I don’t have to feel like I am being put on the spot of shamed. Like I am only trying to get attention.

 

What I fight with all the time is wanting to be okay and hating the fact that it takes so long to do so. I am an inpatient person….

I want everything to be ok now.

So I got to learn to accept that….. you cannot heal overnight from a lifetime of pain…..

 

Gotta just take it one day at a time.

 

Today is actually a good day…. Except for a minor ear infection. I feel alright.