Lyric time…again #LeaveOutAllTheRest by Linkin Park

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It kind of messes a person up when someone says I want this song at my funeral.. yeah.. my brother did that… This song at his funeral. Fantastic. Also, this reminds me of my friend that passed away…

Anyway. Here is my  thought process when I feel the lyrics.

 

I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
Cause no one else cared

does anyone care about me?
After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I’m done here?

I am terrified of death. Heck, even thinking about losing my mom or brothers, I automatically break down into tears. It is awful. just awful. And I am afraid of dying. Like how will my kids be? Will their daddy be able to take care of them?  It is a very depressing thought process
So, if you’re asking me, I want you to know

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done

I haven’t done so much wrong, but I’ve hurt people
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed

Will I be missed?
And don’t resent me

This part is where my friend’s passing comes into my mind. He was battling addiction. So I take this part as like him saying hey, don’t resent me for my battles. for what I’ve been thru.
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

I don’t want to forget my friend and when my time comes, I hope my memory will be alive with my kids.
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Don’t be afraid
I’ve taken my beating
I’ve shared what I’ve made
I’m strong on the surface
Not all the way through

I may show a strong persona but deeper inside I am not strong at all. I am weak.
I’ve never been perfect

Nobody’s perfect.
But neither have you
So, if you’re asking me, I want you to know

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
And don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting
All the hurt inside you’ve learned to hide so well

hiding it is so much easier than letting others see
Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself

Nobody can save me
I can’t be who you are

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
And don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting
All the hurt inside you’ve learned to hide so well
Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can’t be who you are
I can’t be who you are

I can’t be who you are. I can only be myself. Maybe I over think. Maybe I let my anxiety run my life every now and then. Maybe I need to let things go sometimes. But I can’t be who you are.

 

 

So what do you feel when you hear this song? What lyric stands out the most to you?

Anxiety can be overwhelming

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I know I am safe and I know I am loved. However, it doesn’t always feel that way.

Two years ago, I was in a pretty bad car accident. Some people say it wasn’t so bad because I could walk out of my car. That is after a nice man yanked the door open for me.

I was sitting at a stop light. Minding my own business. Listening to music at a decent volume when I heard this loud bang and everything went crazy. The only thing I could yell at the time was stop.

I wanted it to stop. I wanted to stop. Here I am in my car being shoved into the right side turning lane (which in the end was a blessing) my glasses flew off my head, my milk shake (which I had been craving for all morning…I was about 4 to 6 weeks pregnant at the time) went flying into the windshield. Everything went flying.

This guy was high and I believe the cop said intoxicated…it was 8 am. He hit me and 3 other cars doing 45 mph. Mind you we were all at a stop light. One guy got really lucky and only got side swiped losing a mirror. Another woman and I had to go to the hospital. My car was totaled. The gas tank was ruptured, half of the windows were shattered and my axel was snapped. If that gives you any clue of how bad it was. I still feel pain in my lower back and hips from how I was seated.

Fast forward 2 years and I’ve only been on that road twice. It scares the crap out of me to go back to that intersection. Everytime I drive I am terrified someone isn’t going to stop. That I am going to get hit again and what if it’s worse. Everytime I see a car coming up behind me and it doesn’t look like they’re slowing down I get scared.

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I know to some people this sounds completely irrational. But it’s not. This is real to me. This fear is real to me. There are a ton of other examples of what fears my anxiety has. It’s gotten so bad that I say there me and then there’s the anxious me. We’re both the same person but we’re not. The me part wants to do things. Wants to go places see new people. Then the anxious me says nope and lists off a bunch of reasons why I shouldn’t.

 

There’s a reason my blog isn’t under my real name or why I only share it on certain social media platforms. I have family members who don’t believe me. Who says its all in my head. That I can pray myself different. They don’t undestand and they don’t try to. Its not real to them.

If you have these kinds of people in your life….I’m sorry. I would never cast judgement like that on you. Ever. If you have an experience you’d like to share…please leave me a comment. Its always nice to know you’re not alone. I will reply to every comment. Thank you for listening.

Pretending is the hardest

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Isn’t that the truth.

The funny thing is. Many people probably don’t notice you have something wrong. I find myself having to explain my constant moving when I’m talking or my constant apologizing because I have anxiety. But let me say I have depression and they’ll just tell me to cheer up. Telling a depressed person to cheer up is like telling the moon not to rise at night. Its imposible sometimes. We just got to go thru the motions.

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Its a funny thing how everyone seems to perceive people with mental illness as weak. If you cannot tell they have something wrong then they are way stronger than you think. They are working that much harder so that you don’t see it. Why? Maybe they don’t want to burden you. Maybe they dont want to be rejected. Maybe they’ve tried this before and its difficult.

So what should you do? If you know someone with a mental illness.

Be there. Like really be there. They need that ride or die person who is going to help them battle the world. Which to them is a lot scarier than it is to you.

Listen. Really listen. Full attention. As someone who deals with anxiety and sometimes depression it would be nice to talk to someone close who isn’t going to judge me or make it feel like Im burdening them.

Don’t judge. Like ever. Judging a person with mental illness when they open up to you is more than likely going to make them shut you out from their head, from their demons. And plus it is never ok to judge someone.

Everyone needs a friend. Someone who will understand. And if you know someone who suffers from a mental illness and you want to be there. Do some research. Learn ways to help them cope. Anyone reading this….if you’re having a hard time. Comment below. I will be there to help you cope.

Anxiety…it’s a battle

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I typically scroll thru pinterest as I’m waiting in line to get the kids out of school and I pass by some of these images. I think to myself…these are perfect examples. I can use these to write about. To break the stigma of anxiety. It seems like everyone is so fast to tell you to calm down. It’s all in your head. Well they’re right. It is in your head. As in a chemical imbalance. It is nothing you have done. So please don’t blane yourself.

I freak out a lot. It use to be more verbal. But now I usually have this argument in my head. I have spent many conversations with people telling me how to act or what to do so I don’t have an attack. Let me tell you they’re crap.

A couple years ago I was in a car accident. Some idiot decided not to stop at the red light and hit the back of my car and a few others. It was awful.

As I was sitting in the ambulance, heading to the hospital, the emt told me to calm down. She was working on the other woman in the ambulance who had neck pain and saw me hyperventilating. I did what she said to do with my breathing. Even tho I told her it would make things worse. Wanna know what happened? My blood pressure went thru the roof. So I went back to my hyperventilating until I was able to cope.

I have been dealing with anxiety for over 10 years. I’ve only been diagnosed ten years ago but I know its been longer. There are some things that I’ve suppressed. That I’ve coped with. Things that still bother me today but I try my best not to think about. Like the me too movement on social media. I have dealt with things of that nature at a very young age. It took over ten years to even talk about it. And sometimes I feel like my family forgot or thinks I made it up.

Anxiety will get you like that. When you think you’ve forgotten, its right there to remind you of the things that have happened and what can happen.

If you have anxiety or depression or any mental illness, please feel free to comment. I promise I will not judge. I will be as I’ve always tried to be an open ear. We need to break the stigma on mental illness and we can! One discussion at a time

Dating someone who has anxiety.

Tips for dating someone with anxiety | ..don't agree with all of them, but everyone is different
As someone who has anxiety, I know that I am a handful. I totally feel bad about it as well. It is that reason that when I started dating my husband over 8 years ago I hid a lot of stuff from him. I didn’t want to scare him off by being too much. Or over reacting as some people believe. As I was scrolling through my social media this morning, I found this picture. I thought what an amazing idea. So I thought I would share it and break it down from my experience or what I’ve put my husband through in the past 8 years.

1.) Reassure them constantly

I am constantly thinking that I am over bearing or too clingy. Then there are times that I feel that he isn’t loving enough. Has he stopped loving me? Is he getting ready to bolt? Have I done something wrong? The thoughts have gotten less frequent lately. However, they have happened. I know that I have been quite annoying by asking the same questions like ‘how much do you love me?’ etc.. By being reassuring and talking to your significant other it will greatly help these thoughts become less frequent. Now, its not the same as never happening. I cannot turn my brain off or stop that bad little voice that says I’m being too much. But it is a good feeling that my husband understands where I am coming from instead of launching into an argument.

2.) Keep them in the loop of your life.

To me this is a big thing. I like to plan everything out. I like to have set times and things that are going to get done. I like to know what my husband has planned as well. I am constantly worried about his driving (riding with him scares me) so if he makes an unplanned trip to the game store instead of heading straight home it worries me. We know how long it takes to get from our house to his work and back. He also has to drive pass this intersection that has been known to have really bad wrecks. So being even just a little late scares me. There was also a time before we got married and weren’t living together that he decided he wanted to get a new car. But he didn’t share this tidbit with me. So as I was heading to work, I passed his house. There was a car there that I have never seen before. Although it wasn’t always my business what happened at his house, I didn’t know who was there. If our daughter was going to be there, I needed to know who was going to be around her. There are certain people who don’t respect my decision to not have smoking or drinking or drugs around my children so I don’t allow them around. Essentially, it is reassuring to your significant other if you fill them in on what you are doing. Not like the small stuff. I don’t need to know that he’s heading to the bathroom at work. That’s a little too much information.

3.) Text them when you are on your way and/or when you get home

This is very important for people with anxiety. If you’re getting home late or leaving late and don’t text your significant other who suffers with anxiety bad thoughts will be sure to happen. Like I have already stated, I worry about my husbands driving. So if he doesn’t text me to tell me he’s going to be late or he’s making a pit stop, I have the worst imagination for bad things happening. It is like constantly being a pessimist. Its awful. I’m pretty sure I am not the only one either. I also don’t condone texting while driving. I do, however, suggest sending a quick text message before leaving. We know how long it takes to get home. Add 5 to 10 minutes depending on traffic and let your boyfriend/girlfriend know. It will mean more than you realize.

4.) Hugs.

Have you ever seen that episode of Grey’s Anatomy where the heart doctor was autistic? Change made her freak out and to suppress her nervous system and calm her down she needed to be hugged tight. That works for people with anxiety as well. Hugs are always appreciated and hardly ever turned away.

5.) Triggers. Identify them.

This is not an easy task since anxiety manifest in people in different ways. It is hard to describe how my anxiety manifests because it has to do with a lot of things. Childhood memories, bad experiences, etc. Therefore, my triggers for certain things vary. Like today I had to get my brakes changed. They were so bad, it was almost to the point of having no brakes at all. That scares me dearly. I have been talking about getting my brakes changed for the past couple days. However, actually going to a shop to get them done is very hard for me. Talking to people face to face by myself makes me very anxious. My husband tried to take the car last night to get it done but they had already closed. He had planned on getting off early to get it done so that I wouldn’t have to possibly face an anxiety attack to get my car taken care of. However, this morning the brakes were so loud I sucked it up and went. I was very anxious standing in the shop with 4 guys asking to get my brakes fixed but I cannot even imagine the idea of no brakes with my kids in the car. (So that’s a win for me!!!) I had a mechanic shop that I was comfortable with. I knew them. I had used them for a while. Unfortunately, they went out of business. So finding a new business that would be patient with me and not try to overcharge me is not something I have been looking for.

6.) No Surprises. Unless you are certain it will make them happy.

I am not a surprise person. I like to know what is going to happen and when. That is why my husband has not tried to do a surprise birthday or anything like that. He doesn’t even try to sneak up on me. You know that cute thing where the guy goes behind the girl and covers her eyes and says ‘guess who?’ Yeah that’s not for me. I do believe I have elbowed him pretty hard before. I do not like surprises. I am pretty certain that anyone who suffers from anxiety is not a fan of surprises.

7.) Change is hard.

If that is not the truth. I do not like change. I do the same routine every morning. I get up, get lunches prepared. Wake my girls up. Get my oldest daughter ready for school. Pick my nephews up and then drop them off at school. My youngest daughter has a nap by 9 am. After that is a little more lenient. However, if we wake up late or something happens to throw off our morning it makes the rest of the day a little hard.

8.) Be there. Just be there.

This is so important. I think that it is very important to be with your significant other when they’re dealing with things. Also, don’t judge. We have a real disease. There is such a stigma around anxiety that it already makes it hard for us to talk about it. I have become such an introvert because people tend to throw my anxiety in my face like I am just making up an excuse. I love that my husband never judges me when I say I am feeling anxious or I am scared. I love how he tries to change his habits to make me a little less angry. Like when I am in the car with him, he increases his breaking distance because I am afraid his brakes will fail or he won’t stop in time and I’ll be in another wreck. It is so important to be with you significant other no matter what.

If you’re planning on spending your life with your significant other, it is important that you come to understand their anxiety. I think it is time we break the barrier and stop the stigma against mental illness. Speak up and speak out. We are not alone. We are one. If you have any other tips on how to date someone with anxiety, leave a comment. If your significant other does something that helps you through your anxious times, let me know. I would love to hear from you.

Is on time too late

Battling anxiety is no easy task.  In fact, I am anxious everyday.  I am constantly trying to put my life into a schedule. We get up at a certain time, leave the house at a certain time, pick my daughter up from school on a specific time. We eat dinner by a specific time, baths are done by a specific time. So what happens when something goes wrong and my little schedule is thrown off? Anxiety. That’s what.

I have been one of those people who believe that being on time is the same as being late. I arrive to pick my daughter up from school early, I am usually one of the first four people there.  Yes, I sit outside of the school for over an hour. Yes I know that sounds silly. But what if they needed to evacuate early? I would be there to sign her out and head on home. Also, it allows me to complete some of my school work in peace. I have a one year old who is attracted to my laptop. She will wake up from a dead sleep just to touch it if I have it open.  Luckily a kid learning tablet is currently distracting her.  Before I started being a stay at home mom I would always arrive 20 to 30 minutes early to work.  Not that I would start work that early to try to get more hours. Instead I would sit there and know that traffic wouldn’t cause me to be late.

What does being late have to do with anxiety? Well, having anxiety makes a lot of things difficult for me.  If I am late I feel that I would get fired. Or yelled at.  I arrive to school early so that my daughter will not feel like she’s being forgotten. I arrive to school early so we can make it home before the buses start down our road stopping every 20 feet. I tend to feel that people don’t like me. Or that maybe they’re talking behind my back about me.  It is a constant burden. And for that, I rarely have friends. Not any that don’t understand the difficulties of anxiety.

Now some times when I am anxious I can calm it down by moving. Walking back and forth, pacing. Or maybe organizing something. My one year old thinks it funny to take our movies off the shelves and reorganize them in un-alphabetical order. That drives me insane. Organizing things is a way to calm my anxious mind and my racing heart.

What do you do to calm your fears? Do you have any special quirks that help you in your battle with anxiety?  Remember, you are not alone. I would love to hear what helps you. late_stress

Chester Bennington

 

As many of you know, we lost a legend on July 20, 2017.  This day will forever be a dark cloud for an entire generation. It was on this day that Chester Bennington died by suicide. There are many words to describe this amazing person. Too many words than I could put in one simple post.

I first began listening to Linkin Park when their first album came out. Now for this generation growing up now wouldn’t understand what it was like to wait for TRL to show your favorite videos.  As a child I listened to anything and everything my brothers did.  This meant Linkin Park, Green Day, Nirvana, Simple Plan, Slipknot and many more. Actually, a lot of what my brothers listened to is what I still listen to today.  I remember being in elementary school when I heard this most amazing scream coming from my brothers room.  From that instance I was hooked.

Many years later, I saw Chester when he was with Stone Temple Pilots and that day would have been one of the best in the world.  Except I was pregnant and nauseous. Then fate would be on my side, Linkin Park was coming to my state and I was going to get to see him and this time I wasn’t going to be sick. Or at least I thought fate was on my side. I know that sounds a little selfish.  I shouldn’t be selfish. It’s not about me. But it is okay for me to feel the way that I do. And if anyone tells you that its not okay for you to be upset then they need to go on somewhere.

What I think a lot of us are asking is if Chester cannot win his battle, then how can we?  It is the Linkin Park family, the soldiers, that have come together to help each other battle these mental illnesses.  It is even Chester’s own wife who is taking a stand and taking the stigma out of mental illness.

When the world lost Kurt Cobain to suicide, the world saw a mass of copy cat suicides.  When we lost Chester, we lost our rock, our inspiration. We lost the voice who spoke for our battles, who spoke to who we hide from the world.  Chester related to us all. When we lost him, we lost our friend.  We may not have known him personally, but he spoke to our souls so well that we all felt like we knew him.  Through Chester, us soldiers knew it was okay to not be like everyone else. We knew that it was okay to be hurting, it was okay to cry, to break. It was okay.  We were going to be okay. His smile was infectious and he brought joy to millions of people. I feared that when we lost him, we would see copy cat deaths by suicide like we did in the early 90’s.  It was this anxious thought that made me jump to twitter and try to reach out to anyone and everyone I could so that they knew they were not alone. If you are reading this…. You are not alone.

I will never turn someone away who is hurting. I will never not listen to someone when they need to talk. Please reach out. I am such a great listener. I will be here for you.  I might not be anything else but listen but please know you can reach out.

Why should we be looked down upon because we are depressed? Why are we turned away as if we’re being over dramatic when we feel anxious? I am anxious, all the time. But I am not different than you. I am still a person. I am still fighting.c44020eed5938145ab9c1e5d7a0a389a