Tears

Crying is usually seen as a sign of weakness. A sign of being weak. A sign of not being strong enough. However, that is not always the case.

I am an emotional person. I always have been. Some call it wearing your heart on your sleeve or heart. Either way, it is looked upon as a weakness. As something to be ashamed of.

However, I cry for a lot of reasons. There are tears of joy. Tears of sadness. Tears of worry and tears of anger. I’ve never been able to properly express myself in words in the heat of the moment. The words that I should have said usually come after the moment has passed and it is too late. However, I have told many people that if you piss me off and I start crying….RUN. Because that is when shit is about to get real. When things are about to hit the fan.

Because tears are the words that the heart cannot say. The words that cannot pass through our lips. The words we are some times too afraid to mutter.

So when you see someone crying. LISTEN. Because although they are not speaking verbal words, their tears are saying every single thing that you need to hear. Before you call someone weak for crying. LISTEN. Because their tears could be a sign of their strength.

The difficulty of anxiety in a relationship

There are a lot of bumps in the road in relationships. Even more so if you have anxiety, depression or any other type of mental illness. Letting someone in to see that part of you can be difficult. And once they do see it, if they accept you….then you feel like you can open up to everyone….which can be a bad idea in some cases that I have just learned.

My husband is great. He is understanding. I became comfortable with my mental illness, in the sense of being open about it and talking about it. Talking about my mental illness in the sense of why I do the things I do. Which can lead to a lot of heartache as I recently found out. I am the type of person who if I know you’re going on a trip, I will want to send you food or snacks to tied you along the way. However, that isn’t always perceived in the light that I want it to and comes across as being stressed or overbearing. And In that moment, those words cut through me like a newly forged blade, hot and sharp. However, my first thought was…how will this affect my husband.

And that is the thing with having anxiety in a relationship. Your fears grow more than just about yourself. Or at least mine has. My anxiety has way surpassed just myself…they’ve grown around my kids, my husband, my mother, my brothers, my friends. Everyone that I care about. That I hold dear to myself. So I am constantly worrying about what I do and how it will affect them. For instance, when I am around my husbands wrestling group. I worry that my anxious ticks, my nervous habits will cause them to look upon my husband in a different light, a wrong one. These thoughts keep me up and worried way past the interaction.

Another issue that I have come to learn about is the fact that it may appear that the ones you love act different around you because they are being protective of your illness. And that, in turn, can cause more damage than good. Because you think that maybe the self that you see with others is their true self and that the one that they are with you is only to protect you. No matter how long you’ve been together. You feel like they’ve never been their true self with you because they’re afraid of how it will affect you.

With all of that together, you worry that it isn’t everyone else. That it is you. That the way they all react or act around you is your fault. That maybe they would have a better relationship or personality if they weren’t burdened by you and the constant worry of your own mental illness. That maybe you should have been better at hiding your illness so that no one knew. That there is something wrong with you.

And that is the issue with today’s world. That we are so ashamed of our own mental problems. That we should hide away our problems from the world to see. That is the stigma and that is why talking about mental illness is so important so that we can break that stigma. However, that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t get help or open up about what is wrong. I’ve tried the medication’s the doctors have prescribed and they always seem to have some sort of ill effect. Therefore, I am trying something different. St. John’s Wart. I have been told it is a natural way to help with anxiety issues and mood balancing. So here’s hoping it works.

People don’t need to understand

Life is hard. For everyone. We all have stories. We all have backgrounds. We all have been thru things. We all tend to over share our stories sometimes. Especially if you’re like me. When my anxiety is on high during social situations… I tend to just talk and talk and talk. I also tend to talk about the things that I have been thru and explaining things that have happened to me. I have been told recently that I actually need to stop doing that because not everyone respects the person that I am or the things that I have been thru.

I usually get anxious, nervous and fidgety in social interactions around people that I either don’t know or am not comfortable with. Then after I leave the situation… my mind continues to over think and over analyze everything that I either aid or did. Then I feel like shit for the rest of the night….and possibly the next day as well. It is a big issue that I am slowly working on fixing. Things aren’t usually as bad as long as I have my husband right by my side. He is my rock. He is my calm. He grounds me in the storm that is anxiety disorder.

My husband is extremely understanding. He is extremely caring and gentle as well as loving. He is an amazing human being. However, not everyone is as understanding. The minute you explain your weakness there will be people out there that will hold that weakness against you. They will use your story, your emotional issues to ruin your life. To hold it over you. There are some people that like to know your deepest darkest secrets to make sure that you will not or cannot be better than them. They will use anything against you.

Sometimes, people don’t need to understand your journey. Your past, present and what you are working on…. that for you. It is not for them. The one thing that I have learned over the years…. is that you have to be extremely careful who you tell your journey to. Not everyone who smiles at you is your friend. Sometimes those who listen the most have the biggest mouths….the worst intentions to use against you. Your journey is for you. As long as you understand it, then that is what is best.

I thought I had a friend once. Well they were my husband’s friends. But I thought they were my friends too. They smiled so nicely in my face. They said all the right things. They were nice when I was around. They got me good too. I fell for their trap. So I opened up. I talked about my journey. I talked about what I had been thru. I talked about what arguments we had. I exposed the weakness in my husband and I fairly new relationship. So much so….that they used these weakness to break up my relationship with my then boyfriend and kept us apart for half a year until my husband came to the realization of the toxicity that they held deep inside them.

You see that is the thing. Some people are toxic. Some people are only looking for the worst in you so that they can use it against you. They want to use your journey to keep you down. To make sure that you are always beneath them. There is something that is often said on Facebook…. Make your moves in private. That way no one can make their intentions known. We bought a house almost a year ago and we didn’t tell anyone other than immediate family about it before we did it. Heck I didn’t post anything about it til we were in our happy home for a month.

There are somethings people don’t need to understand. Some things they don’t need to know. Your journey is yours. And it is just alright that no one but you understands it.

Consumes your mind

There is a saying….what consumes your mind, controls your life.

While there are sayings that can have many differentmeanings… I think that this one is pretty straight forward. If you think about something to the point that it consumes your mind, it will control your life.

It can be quite difficult to fight against this. For instance, with my anxiety…. It controls my mind and my life. It is a daily struggle to not allow anxiety or my anxiety to control my day to day life. Some days I win and some days I don’t.

Some days, fighting my anxiety is all that I can think about. I worry that something is going to happen. Something is gonna trigger a panic attack. There are some nights that my anxiety is so bad, I cry myself to sleep way after the husband and kids have gone to bed.
It is awful.

Then there are some days where I don’t think about my anxiety for even a second.

My hope is that one day… I won’t have to fight every day to keep my anxiety from consuming my mind…from consuming my life. If you have ever had a mental illness, then you how much it can consume your thoughts and your mind.

The key for this woud be to work at this every single day. To find the things that distract you from your inner mess.

I am sorry for the short half sighted post…. I am kind of distracted my MIL had a surgery on her wrist today and I was her ride. Therefore, I haven’t had much sleep and my attention span is very slim

Nothing to be ashamed

When Chester died, I wrote a lot about the stigmatism surrounding mental illness. How it is very scary to openly talk about having a mental illness. That talking about it is like having the plague.

Seriously, I am still scared to openly talk about my illness because so many people have made it a joke. I have seen a lot of people who experience nervousness over something claim that they have an anxiety disorder However, after whatever makes them nervous, they no longer have a mental illness.

It is like having an anxiety disorder is something to joke about. It makes those of us who really have it afraid to come out with what is really going on.

There is also this type of stigmatism that if you have a mental illness you should be ashamed.. that you’re seeking attention or playing the victim.

We live in a world where it is so hard to have a mental disorder. I have anxiety disorder, panic attacks and mild depression. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I am living with this and I am living with it my way. Why should I feel ashamed about it??? Seriously? Why should any of us feel ashamed about what is going on iside of our head. When you have a heart issue, your heart is sick. No one makes you feel ashamed of that. The brain is an organ. It can be sick like any other organ in your body.

Don’t be ashamed of it. Own it. You have a mental illness. And that is okay. If you’re on medication… THAT IS OKAY. Seriously. taking medication for your mental illness is brave. Because you had the courage to seek help. To get help. There are so many who have not been able to drum up the courage to ask for help.
When Chester died, many of those who knew him, came to the forefront to speak out for mental illness. To break the stigmatim. I think that the more that we talk about it, the more it will be accepted as normal. That it is nothing to be ashamed about. Because it’s not.

Open up. Tell me your story. Tell me what makes you overthink. Tell me what your anxious about. Because I am here. I will always be here. As a listening friend. As someone who shares your story. Who understands what it is like to have a mental illness. Who knows what it is like to be made ashamed of my illness. To know what it is like. So tell me your story.

Take care of yourself

Being a parent is by far one of the greatest things anyone can do. Now that doesn’t mean that everyone should be a parent. And I’m not saying that as a bad thing. Not everyone wants kids and that is fine. Because they know that they wouldn’t make good parents. However, that moment when you first hold your kid, at least for me, was the greatest moments of my life. I was 19 when my first daughter was born. The moment they laid her on my chest, I knew that being is a mother was one of the best things I could ever do.

 

While being a parent is by far one of the best things that could happen to you in your lifetime, it can be draining. Especially when the kids are younger. And especially when you suffer from a mental illness. With my anxiety, I fear all of the little and big things alike. It is like they are the same level of bad. A fall, a scrape etc. And these moments can be so draining. If you don’t have anxiety and have never experienced an anxiety/panic attack then you don’t understand how utterly draining they are.

As much as you want to keep trucking and pushing along for your kid because they need you. You are their everything. You cannot give them the best that they need, you cannot keep giving your all if you’re not at your best. It is like the saying ‘you cannot fill from an empty cup’ The same concept goes into being a parent.

Now there are some who think that if you’re taking some ‘me time’ then you are neglecting your parental duties. That is absolutely rubbish. If you keep giving your all to your kids without taking care of yourself, soon your kids are going to feel it. They’re gonna start reacting to it as well.

So you have to take care of yourself. You just have to. For the good of your family. Just a little bit a day can do so much for you. For your anxiety, for your relationship, for your family. Everyone benefits from you recharging. The best analogy I can give is your cell phone. At 100% its an amazing thing. It calls texts social media EVERYTHING. But once that battery gets down to 10% it starts to lag, slow down. Soon its dead. The battery has been completely used up and you cannot use it anymore. That is what it is like as a parent. If you don’t recharge then you’re not going to be of any use.

For me, I recharge by taking a long shower or a relaxing bath. My husband comes home and takes over some of the parental duties while I go and just digress. I relax. I recharge. I emerge clean and mentally refreshed.

So take some time to recharge. Everyone benefits from it.

There’s a difference

 

I’m not mad I’m hurt theres a difference

I have ‘anger’ issues. Not in the sense that I need an anger management class. But in the sense that I am overly emotional…. I feel way too much, way too hard. But I also have a ‘resting bitch face’ so when something is on my mind. I looked pissed off. When I have a war inside my head. Where I am fighting my anxious self and trying to keep my cool. Where I am trying to not go into an anxiety attack…. I always look mad.

But I am seldom mad. I am more hurt than anything else. There is a difference. When I am mad… I am mad. I am angry. But even if I look mad…. I might not be mad. I might be hurt and trying to not say anything. Trying to not cause whatever it is to get worse.

I am usually hurt. I am so emotional….. So I get hurt a lot.

Having anxiety and depression makes me feel things on a deeper level…. or at least I think so….

So….. I try to bring in personal issues or stories to relate to what topic I am writing….. Well.. I actually had something that happened recently that made me feel hurt but came across as being mad.
As I have stated, my husband is training to be a wrestler. The promotion that he is training with had a show this past weekend. And the trainee’s usually go to help set up before the show and stay to help take down after the show…..the last one, I went to…. This one was an hour and half away from home. So it was going to be a very long day…. I told my husband that I would go with him if he wanted me to but he would need to make the decision. He stated that he would want me there but he wasn’t going to force me to go. So I told him that the final decision would be on him. This was 2 days before the event. two days go by and its the morning of the event….my husband is getting ready… I am still waiting on an answer. Am I going? Am I driving? What is going on? I don’t want to be like ‘hey yeah I’m going with you to an event with your group because I’m just an overbearing person who has to be glued to you 24/7’ NO I wasn’t going to. So I waited and waited and waited…..he said nothing. Except ‘I guess I’ll be going’ Like no…don’t put this on me that you’re going to an event alone. I told you to make the decision on if I was going or not… you didn’ t make a choice so I didn’t get ready.

And my husband thinks I was mad….i wasn’t… I’m not. I am more hurt than anything because I waited and waited for my husband to say anything. It isn’t like he has never said ‘go with me’ or ‘go next time’ to me before. With no problem. But for some reason now is an issue….

So he spent the entire day at the event…without me….and I spent the day at home….sad…hurt….in bed….emotional. It was not a good day. But I wasn’t mad. I wasn’t mad at him for me not going for him not talking for no conversation taking place….. I was hurt. I was hurt that I waited for two days waiting for him to make a decision. to say anything. and that he just didn’t say a word. I’m not meaning that we didn’t talk at all for 2 days. No…we did….and I would remind him that a decision needed to be made …. for 2 days…. Thats what hurt me. I felt like he was ignoring it….ignoring me…. ignoring the situation because maybe he just didn’t want to me there..(that wasn’t the case) but it’s how I felt.

There is a difference between being mad and feeling hurt. Understanding the two feelings is extremely important if you’re dealing with someone who suffers with anxiety….
🙂

Never a victim

 

If you assume that every problem in your life is a lesson, then you will never feel like a victim. Now with a mental illness like anxiety…..or even depression, it can make this a hard job to accomplish.

Now I have been thru the ringer in my life. I feel like I have dealt with every type of abuse there is. While my brother, who abused me and our other brother, called it just being a brother…..being punched in the face at 5 years old because you wanted to tell your mom what he made you do….doesn’t really feel like just a sibling fight. I have only ever had one black eye in my life and its from my brother. It wasn’t always physical with my brother either….. I used to love eating a slice of bread. We didn’t have a lot of food growing up and a slice of bread was my snack….. Everytime he saw me eating a piece of bread….he would tell me that I was fat or I was getting fat. At 10 years old I wasn’t even 70 pounds…. While I am fat now…. I wasn’t always…. The pounds didn’t start adding up til I started getting depressed. Then there was the sexual abuse when I was 5. It wasn’t at the hands of my brother….but he was there. He could have stopped it. But he didn’t.

Now I could have continued to feel like the victim. I sure have seen a lot of people continue to play the victim years and years after the fact. For instance, I worked with a girl who was over the top dramatic and would always make an excuse for the way she acted. If she got in trouble for speaking wrong to another employee or customer, she would make it about the abuse she had experienced. Oh I lashed out because my husband use to do it to me. Or she was always trying to lose weight. She was taking diet pill and not eating. She said it was the best way for her to drop weight because her ex used to make her so that she could be skinny enough for him. Then she would give blood and pass out. Even after eating. It would be hours after giving blood and after she had lunch, she would ‘pass out’ but only when there were a big group of people around her. She played the victim because it brought her attention.

I have been abused. Instead of playing the victim every time something goes wrong. I choose to look at it as a lesson. Well at least I try and that is all we can do. My brother caused me to have severe body image issues. Instead of having an eating disorder to be a certain weight that my brother thought I should have been…. I instead choose to love my curves. Yes, I am fat. But I am going to the gym. My husband and I have started going to the gym twice a week for an hour to an hour and a half. We are trying to get in shape together.

My brother was the problem child. He cause our mother to become stricter on myself and our other brother. I had spent my entire childhood and teenage years fighting to prove that I am not my brothers. That I was going to graduate. That I wasn’t going to party. That I wasn’t going to get in trouble with the law. That I wasn’t them. It cause my perfection attitude. It sucks. It causes anxiety when I can’t do something perfectly. My brother is the victim. Alot. He’s the cutter. He’s the one that has OD on his medication. He’s the one that has been arrested multiple times. The only that loses his license a lot. Whenever he gets in trouble…..he blames anyone else. Mainly my mom or my dad. He was 10 when my mom left my dad. So he had 10 years of being called dumb ass or being physically abused. Once when he brought home bad grades, my dad made him stand at the street with a sign saying he was a dumb ass. But he didn’t start blaming our dad until our dad died. Now he blames him for everything because dad can’t defend himself and none of us were close to our dad enough to defend him. No. for 20+ year he blamed our mom. Because she moved us from her family to where we are now. because she had him arrested for having drugs in the house. For sending him to job core to try to better his life. For sending him to our dad so that maybe our dad could help him. He is always the victim. ALWAYS. No matter what. If he got drunk and drove and got pulled over….he some how made it about our mom. And he use to lash out at her and make her cry a lot. Until I got old enough that I was no longer scared of him. Now I wish he would try to make her cry.

If you look at things as a lesson….then you’ll never feel like a victim. I could feel like a victim for being used to the point of being broke. Saying things like if they didn’t keep asking me I wouldn’t be broke…. But no. As much as I want to help. I have learned that I can’t. I have to let people fall sometimes. I just have to. If they don’t fail sometimes….then they would never learn how to stand on their own. It is a work in progress. I am constantly trying to change my mindset whenever something bad happens.

Cyber bullying

So I have this friend that I met thru some sad circumstances.  We met at the Chester memorial. It wasn’t the best way to meet someone, but I am glad that I did. We have connected on social media and I love seeing her posts as she has gone thru some tough situations lately and come out on top swinging.  She is a warrior.

Now every morning I wake up around 6 am and scroll thru facebook to see whats going on. See what I have missed since the day before. Cause honestly, I am not on facebook as much as I used to be when I was younger. There is just not enough time in the day to spend that much time on one thing like social media. There is also just so much awfulness in the world today that spending too much time on social media can be kind of depressing.

So the other day I was on facebook and I saw a post from said friend. Now I usually love reading her post because she usually posts something inspirational or entertaining. However, not this day. She posted about being cyber bullied. She had an interaction with someone who could not argue at the same intellect as her, because well she is absolutely brilliant. So since they couldn’t argue on the same intellect, they decided to target her weight and insinuate that she is Miss Piggy from the muppets. Seriously. The worst part was that it was a grown adult stooping to such a middle school tactic.

In the post, my friend stated that this wasn’t the first time that she has been targeted for her weight and in all honesty, it probably won’t be the last. I should know. I am in my view, fat. In the doctors charts I am obese. (I swear I work out and try to eat healthy as much as I can. Honestly, working out is really hard because of the car wreck messed my hips up. But this isn’t about me right now)  She made the post letting her friends and family know that this had happened because she is awesome. She shined a light on something that had happened to her. Something that shouldn’t. She is shedding light on cyber bullying.

Is she supermodel skinny? No. Is she happy? Yes. Is she healthy? Yes, I have seen all the post where her and her family are trying to eat right and be healthy. So why does the fact that she isn’t a size 2 grounds for bullying?  Sadly, this is something that is happening every day. Every day somewhere in the world someone is being bullied.

Do they care that this can cause someone with extreme depression to have suicidal thoughts? Do they care that bullying actually causes some to take their own lives? Do they care that bullying someone with a mental illness can send them over the deep end?

While mental illness is something that has been frowned upon for so long, there are many who are bringing light to this illness. In the wake of the passing of Chester Bennington, his wife, Talinda Bennington, as well as best friend and band mate, Mike Shinoda, have spent the year since his passing spreading the word on his illness and trying to provide a platform for those who haven’t felt like they could open up about their illness.Cyber bullying is something that is only talked about when it has gone too far. It is up to us as human beings to shine a light not only on mental health and bullying.

Now my friend may suffer from mental illness but she has taken this incident with courage and amazing stride. She didn’t let this person get to her. Well maybe it did a little. But it hasn’t pushed her over the age because she is amazing and fantastic. But cyber bullying is NEVER okay. You should never result to insulting someone’s figure, size, family or anything else because you cannot match the argument at the same intellect as the other person. I am going to repeat this again.

 

Cyber Bullying is NEVER okay!!

 

Since becoming a mom

 

When you become a mom…..everything changes.  I don’t just mean your body either. I mean everything changes.

Your body does change. I have had two kids and still haven’t lost all the baby weight. It sucks. I also have more stretch marks than I have ever thought I would. Taste buds change. your sleep patterns change. The way you think changes.

If you had an anxiety or depression issue before kids, it changes as well. Before kids, my anxiety or depression level only rose due to stress. The more stressed I was the more depressed or anxious I was.

However, since having kids…. I get anxious over pretty much anything. I have days where I just feel down or blue, depressed. Now I work very hard to get thru these days so that it doesn’t affect my kids or those around me.

But when my first kid was born….something changed deep inside me.  My brother likes to say that I became a bitch. Because I would no longer allow him to run over me. I was stronger because I had this little person dependent on me. I had to be that person who would fight for her tooth and nail.

 

Becoming a mom… it is one the most amazing things that I could have ever asked for. I love it. I love my girls. I love how they made me grow and change. I was 19 when I got pregnant with my first kid. Because of her, I grew up. I didn’t become some couch jumping young adult with nothing going on in their life. The minute I had that positive pregnancy test in front of me. I knew. I knew that moment that I wanted to be a great mom. That I would fight tooth and nail to be that kind of mom. We literately started from the bottom. We were barely able to pay for a motel room each week. From there staying with friends and family. To our own apartment, then to staying with my mom, to a trailer and now owning our own home. I have fought for everything we have. For my kids. When I was little, we didn’t always have food, water, or lights. Things were difficult. I knew when I looked at my first pregnancy test that I wouldn’t ever let my kid know how it felt to be hungry because there was no food in the house. I didn’t care what kind of job I had to take,  I didn’t care about how many jobs I had to work. We were going to be okay.

My kids give me drive. They give me passion. They give me a reason. The person I am today, is because I became a mom.

 

What changes have you experienced since becoming a mom.  or dad