Fan  letter

It’s time for yet another fan letter. This time its to a female artist who has used her star power to give those with mental illness a voice….


Dear Demi Lovato,

I started a blog because I suffer from anxiety disorder and sometimes battle minor bouts of depression. The death of Chester Bennington inspired me to get my voice out there to fight the stigma surrounding mental illness. But it is your strength, your openness and your willpower that inspire me to keep pushing.

I watched your documentary and I must say that I was in awe over your transparency. Please don’t take that the wrong way. A lot of people tend to take a lot of what I say in a negative manner. I’m not sure why. What I mean is that you were so open and honest. You were blunt.  You allowed fans to see your struggles for what they truly are. You didn’t sugar coat anything. Anyone watching got to see mental illness for what it really is. And I applaud you. Mental illness has never been in the front as it was in your documentary. Which is amazing. Because the world has placed such a stigma on even the word mental illness let alone anyone who has mental illness.

You are more than just an artist. you are a role model. You are a voice for those who cannot mutter a sound. You stand tall and you stand proud. If  I can be anything like you… I would be honored.

Signed,

An anxious fan

#MentalIllness is NOT a fashion statement

Now usually I have all of my blog post scheduled. I work on them. I write them out on paper before I type them up and then I decide which days I want them to go out.

Well….as I was scrolling thru facebook this morning…. I found this. and well. I just had to write about it because it is seriously pissing me off..

I am a huge Nirvana fan. I know I was a toddler when Kurt Cobain’s light went out and we lost a legend. As it was written, he joined the 27 club. The club of many talented artist who lost their lives at the mere age of 27. Which is sad.

But this shirt. and the post that the female wearing the shirt wrote… that is just showing the stigma we who truly suffer a mental illness are surrounded with every day. And if looking at that post doesn’t piss you off…. I don’t know what will.

I shared the image on my personal facebook page with a mean message written with it because I was heated. I was seriously heated. Here’s why.

The letter that is sadly posted on that shirt was written to Cobain’s childhood imaginery friend. It was his inner most thoughts, his dark, sad thoughts. How would you feel if your journal or you personal diary was posted on a shirt for anyone to make a mockery of. That is what this is. it is a mockery.

Now I know anyone can Google Kurt Cobain’s suicide note to read it. I have done it myself when I was researching his life. I have alway been fascinated with the mind of the man who wrote Smells Like Teen Spirit, Heart Shape Box, Lithium, and many others that have been my anthems duing my most angstiest stages of my life.

I still listen to Nirvana to this day and I think that I will always listen to them. They were so genius. They were ahead of their time.

Now to the death of Cobain. I know that I wasn’t but a few years old when it happened and couldn’t possibly understand at that time what it meant. But as I got older I was always curious. There is actually many conspiracy theories about the way that he left us. I don’t think the world will ever really know the truth. and we have to come to term with that.

(It is one of the hardest things about suicide. Is coming to terms with not know why or how or what was going on in their minds in the moments leading up to that moment. )

Lets take a look at what happened after he died. There was an epidemic of copy cat suicides around the world. Many young people thought that they couldn’t cope and we didn’t just lose Cobain. We lost a lot of people in that time. I actually wrote a paper about it when I was taking a psychology class. It was a sad time.

So now back to this shirt. It is insensitive in the least. It is a slap in the face of those who took their lives shortly after Cobain. It is a knife in the heart of Frances Cobain, Kurt’s daughter. Do you really think that she would want people wearing her dad’s suicide note around like they are being fashionable? It is distasteful.

It could actually be a trigger. For those who are suffering with a mental illness. Who are on the brink of the edge. The edge of no return.

This shirt is taking the #BreakTheStigma movement 10 steps back and I feel that we all need to rally together against this.

Let me know what you think about this awful shirt.

#Lyrics Why-Rascal Flatts

You must’ve a been in a place so dark, couldn’t feel the light
Reachin’ for you through that stormy cloud
Now here we are gathered in our little home town
This can’t be the way you meant to draw a crowd

Oh why, that’s what I keep askin’
Was there anything I could have said or done
Oh I, had no clue you were masking a troubled soul, God only knows
What went wrong, and why you’d leave the stage in the middle of a song

Now in my mind I keep you frozen as a seventeen year old
Roundin’ third to score that winning run
You always played with passion no matter what the game
When you took the stage you shined just like the sun

Oh why, that’s what I keep askin’
Was there anything I could have said or done
Oh I, had no clue you were masking a troubled soul, God only knows
What went wrong, and why you’d leave the stage in the middle of a song

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Now the oak trees are swayin’ in the early autumn breeze
The golden sun is shining on my face
The tangled thoughts I hear a mockingbird sing
This old world really ain’t that bad a place

Oh why there’s no comprehending
And who am I to try to judge or explain
Oh, but I do have one burning question
Who told you life wasn’t worth the fight
They were wrong
They lied
And now you’re gone
And we cried

‘Cause It’s not like you, to walk away in the middle of a song

Your beautiful song
Your absolutely beautiful song

I’ve never really been a fan of country music….except for Rascal Flatts. I am not sure what it is about this band but they are my heart of country.

This song, in particular, is a very sad song. It is about suicide. It is about those who are left behind. I once read a quote that suicide doesn’t end pain, it just transfer it to those left behind.

Like I have said before. I have people in my life who have either threatened suicide before or have suicidal tendencies.  It is painful to see them that way. To hear them talk that way. And If I ever lost them…I would be devastated.

#Lyrics Bullet-Hollywood Undead


style=”color: #000080;”>The bottom of the bottle is my only friend,
I think I’ll slit my wrists again and I’m gone, gone, gone,
My legs are dangling off the edge,
A stomach full of pills didn’t work again,
I’ll put a bullet in my head and I’m gone, gone, gone.

Gone too far and yeah I’m gone again,
It’s gone on too long, tell you how it ends,
I’m sitting on the edge with my two best friends,
Ones a bottle of pills, ones a bottle of gin,
I’m twenty stories up, yeah I’m up at the top,
I’ll polish off this bottle, now it’s pushing me off,
Asphalt to me has never looked so soft,
I bet my momma found my letter, now shes calling the cops,
I gotta take this opportunity before I miss it,
‘Cause now I hear the sirens and they’re off in the distance,
Believe me when I tell you that I’ve been persistent,
‘Cause I’m more scarred, more scarred than my wrist is,
I’ve been trying too long, with too dull of a knife,
But tonight I made sure that I sharpened it twice,
I never bought a suit before in my life,
But when you go to meet god, you know you wanna look nice.

So if I survive, then I’ll see you tomorrow,
Yeah I’ll see you tomorrow.

My legs are dangling off the edge,
The bottom of the bottle is my only friend,
I think I’ll slit my wrists again and I’m gone, gone, gone, gone,
My legs are dangling off the edge,
A stomach full of pills didn’t work again,
I’ll put a bullet in my head and I’m gone, gone, gone, gone.

We hit the sky, there goes the light,
No more sun, why’s it always night
When you can’t sleep, well, you can’t dream,
When you can’t dream, well, whats life mean?
We feel a little pity, but don’t empathize
The old are getting older, watch a young man die,
A Mother and a Son and someone you know,
Smile at each other and realize you don’t,
You don’t know what happened to that kid you raised,
What happened to the Father, who swore he’d stay?
I didn’t know ’cause you didn’t say,
Now Momma feels guilt, yea Momma feels pain,
When you were young, you never thought you’d die,
Found that you could but too scared to try,
You looked in the mirror and you said goodbye,
Climb to the roof to see if you could fly.

So if I survive, then I’ll see you tomorrow,
Yeah I’ll see you tomorrow.

My legs are dangling off the edge,
The bottom of the bottle is my only friend,
I think I’ll slit my wrists again and I’m gone, gone, gone, gone,
My legs are dangling off the edge,
A stomach full of pills didn’t work again,
I’ll put a bullet in my head and I’m gone, gone, gone, gone.

I wish that I could fly, way up in the sky,
Like a bird so high,
Oh I might just try,
I wish that I could fly, way up in the sky,
Like a bird so high,
Oh I might just try,
Oh I might just try.

This song is about suicide. But its in a different form that I have heard before. You see, I have that person in my life who threatens suicide all the time. So I kind of hear them in this song. Yes, Suicide is not something that should be joked about. And I don’t think they are making a joke of it.

I think it is more about wanting to be able to talk about suicide but currently its so dark and twisted to even mention the words so they tried to put it to an upbeat backing music.

Either way, Hollywood Undead is an interesting band. They’re not normal.

Mindful and mindless

Having a mental illness like anxiety can be tiresome. If you’re anything like me, your mind is on overdrive 24/7. Which can lead to some sleepless nights, my bags under my eyes are starting to get their own bags and extend up the side of my nose creeping towards to the top of my eyes. It’s sad really. I honestly need some sleep. Maybe just one day, all day. I once slept 13 hours. I was 15. My mom was really worried. But I was just tired.

So, for your health’s sake, it is important that you find mindful and mindless activities. This means to do things that lessen your anxiety.

I can’t remember where I read that coloring is a great activity to reduce anxiety and stress, but it does. I mean if you can focus on it long enough. Or if you’re like me, you try to color but have 2 kids who love to be glued to you. So much so that you have to wait til nap time or any other time they’re otherwise distracted to do anything on the computer.

There are a number of things that you could do before an attack that could prevent one. Grounding exercise, meditation, anything. I read once that laying on your back with your feet up on the wall is great for many things. You can do leg exercises without squats, relieve stress, relieve migraines and I found it to be great at calming the body down. It looks weird but if it works it works. You should give it a try and let me know what you think.

Another great anti anxiety activity idea came from the show Grey’s Anatomy. Have you seen it? Well Christina and Meredith do this thing called dance it out. It allows you to just let loose, dance however you want and just burn off that additional energy/adrenaline that anxiety attacks always bring our bodies. Also, music has always been thought of as a therapeutic technique. (or at least it has in my book)

#Lyrics The Sound of Silence-Disturbed

Hello darkness, my old friend
I’ve come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone
‘Neath the halo of a street lamp
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence

Fools, said I, you do not know
Silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you
But my words, like silent raindrops fell
And echoed in the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made
And the sign flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming
And the sign said, the words of the prophets are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls
And whispered in the sounds of silence

 

Considering that I know Disturbed is most famous for  their Down with the sickness song…this is a great turn of events. this is a cover song. But it is so powerful. The low octave of his voice really just gives me chills.

I know that the original written by Simon and Garfunkel was about a man’s lack of communication with his fellow man. There has been a lot of speculation that this song was about the Vietnam war, tho.

However, I find that the way Disturbed honored this song completely goes along with how Depression is. How it feels.

#Lyrics Let It Be-The Beatles

When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom
Let it be

And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom
Let it be

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom
Let it be

And when the broken-hearted people
Living in the world agree
There will be an answer
Let it be

For though they may be parted there is
Still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer
Let it be

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Yeah, there will be an answer
Let it be

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom
Let it be

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom
Let it be

And when the night is cloudy
There is still a light that shines on me
Shine until tomorrow
Let it be

I wake up to the sound of music
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom
Let it be

Let it be, let it be, let it be, yeah, let it be
There will be an answer
Let it be

Let it be, let it be, let it be, yeah, let it be
There will be an answer
Let it be

Let it be, let it be, let it be, yeah, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom
Let it be

 

I love The Beatles. I don’t know about you. One of my favorite is yellow submarine. I think because it was so easy to memorize at a young age. There are so many songs that I like from them. I love that Across the Universe, the movie, is only beatles songs. It may be over 2 hours long but I can just keep watching it over and over.

My husband got into rock music right around the time that I met him. He was only listening to modern rock music. And I thought that’s not right. A lot of these artists today are inspired by so many of the older generations. I thought he needed to learn the classics, like the Beatles.

This song was written by Paul McCartney. He wrote it after dreaming about his mother who passed about 10 years prior. Writing this song calmed his nerves and anxiety. The words of wisdom that his mother spoke calmed him.

The music is a big part of this song. It is not your typical rock song and not your typical Beatles song. To me, this song means that although I may have a disorder. Although I may be anxious pretty much 6 days out of the week. Sometimes, I just need to let my worries be.

 

Merry Christmas guys! I hope, at least for today, we can all let our worries be and enjoy the day. I hope your Christmas is as beautiful as you are.

#Lyrics 1-800 Logic

 

I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine
Who can relate?
I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine
I don’t wanna be alive
I don’t wanna be alive
I just wanna die today
I just wanna die
I don’t wanna be alive
I don’t wanna be alive
I just wanna die
And let me tell you why
All this other shit I’m talkin’ ’bout they think they know it
I’ve been praying for somebody to save me, no one’s heroic
And my life don’t even matter
I know it, I know it, I know I’m hurting deep down but can’t show it
I never had a place to call my own
I never had a home
Ain’t nobody callin’ my phone
Where you been? Where you at? What’s on your mind?
They say every life precious but nobody care about mine
I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine
Who can relate?
I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine
I want you to be alive
I want you to be alive
You don’t gotta die today
You don’t gotta die
I want you to be alive
I want you to be alive
You don’t gotta die
Now lemme tell you why
It’s the very first breath
When your head’s been drowning underwater
And it’s the lightness in the air
When you’re there
Chest to chest with a lover
It’s holding on, though the road’s long
And seeing light in the darkest things
And when you stare at your reflection
Finally knowing who it is
I know that you’ll thank God you did
I know where you been, where you are, where you goin’
I know you’re the reason I believe in life
What’s the day without a little night?
I’m just tryna shed a little light
It can be hard
It can be so hard
But you gotta live right now
You got everything to give right now
I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine
Who can relate?
I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine
I finally wanna be alive (finally wanna be alive)
I finally wanna be alive
I don’t wanna die today (hey)
I don’t wanna die
I finally wanna be alive (finally wanna be alive)
I finally wanna be alive (oh)
I don’t wanna die (no, I don’t wanna die)
I don’t wanna die
(I just wanna live)
(I just wanna live)
Pain don’t hurt the same, I know
The lane I travel feels alone
But I’m moving ’til my legs give out
And I see my tears melt in the snow
But I don’t wanna cry
I don’t wanna cry anymore
I wanna feel alive
I don’t even wanna die anymore
Oh I don’t wanna
I don’t wanna
I don’t even wanna die anymore
If you haven’t watched the video, I suggest hitting the play button on top. It is extremely powerful. I was not prepared for this video or the tears that followed. It is that powerful.
The song was written because Logic did a fan tour. He sat down and ate meals with fans and they told him how his prior music had saved their lives. He said that he wasn’t even trying to save lives. But what could happen if he really did? His whole album Everybody is a powerful message in itself. It is more than just this song.
I came about this songs at a music awards after the tragic passing of Chester Bennington. Right after Jared Leto provided his tribute, Logic performed this song. What was so beautiful about the performance is he had people on stage. Now I think any other artist would have used actors. But not Logic. He used actual people who called the Suicide hotline. He used survivors. He used Champions. He used Warriors. There is a tattoo that many people get who have fought their mental illness its a semi colon. What this signifies is that their stories are not done yet. It just paused for a moment. and they are continuing on.
If you have had suicidal thoughts. Help is out there. Please don’t be afraid to call the hotline the number is 1-800-273-8255. Asking for help does not make you weak. Asking for help makes you stronger than you know. You are showing your strength by understanding that you cannot do this alone. You are showing strength by reaching out. The people at this hotline will not judge you, and neither will I. I will never judge you. I will always be a listening ear. I know that you are in pain. I will never make you feel worthless. I will never make you feel like your pain is your fault. I do believe you can comment anonymous, but even if you can’t. I still will never judge you. You are a warr;or you are a champ;on you are a surv;or.
Merry Christmas Eve everyone

Not a decision

 

I hate when people honestly believes that my anxiety is something that I chose. That I somehow make my heart race. That I make my breath shallow. That I choose to have these awful thoughts in my head. That I choose to be a pessimist. Trust me, I never would choose this.

When I was in the 10th grade, the high school called my mom and advised her it would be in my best interest if I went to the ER. I was have a major panic attack. I was light headed, I almost passed out. I was crying. I couldn’t breath. I was weak.

On a personal note, this particular visit was very embarrassing for me because my mom called my older brother. And I was hooked to the EKG with no bra only that really thin gown they give you. That isn’t something I feel comfortable being like in front of my older brother. He always taught me to be fully covered. Since we live in a world where men who rape women say they have it coming because of what they wore. My brother ensured that I could handle myself…and that I  understood that covering up can be just as cute as wearing nothing at all. You really can find adorable clothes that make you look hot as hell without showing you ass or boobs. Do I think women should base their clothes on mens decisions to be dicks? Hell no. I believe in women being able to wear whatever they want just like men do. I just so happen to like wearing clothes that don’t show all of my ‘goodies’ I mean I can wear a low cut top if I want to. But it isn’t something that I want to wear every single day. Im getting side tracked. I apologize.

At this ER visit, I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder. See that word there. DIAGNOSED. I didn’t choose this life. I sure as hell didn’t bribe the doctor into writing it This has never been a decision of mine. I don’t think that there is anyone who would actively choose to have any mental illness.

#Lyrics Migraine-Twenty One Pilots

 

Am I the only one I know
Waging my wars behind my face and above my throat
Shadows will scream that I’m alone
I-I-I I’ve got a migraine
And my pain will range from up, down, and sideways
Thank God it’s Friday cause Fridays will always be better than Sundays
‘Cause Sundays are my suicide days
I don’t know why they always seem so dismal
Thunderstorms, clouds, snow and a slight drizzle
Whether it’s the weather or the ledges by my bed
Sometimes death seems better than the migraine in my head  Suicide is not the answer)
Let it be said what the headache represents
It’s me defending in suspense
It’s me suspended in a defenseless test
Being tested by a ruthless examiner
That’s represented best by my depressing thoughts
I do not have writer’s block my writer just hates the clock
It will not let me sleep I guess I’ll sleep when I’m dead   (Sometimes sleep is the hardest)
And sometimes death seems better than the migraine in my head
Am I the only one I know
Waging my wars behind my face and above my throat
Shadows will scream that I’m alone
But I know, we’ve made it this far, kid
Yeah yeah yeah
I am not as fine as I seem
Pardon, me for yelling and telling you green gardens
Are not what’s growing in my psyche, it’s a different me
A difficult beast feasting on burnt down trees
Freeze frame, please let me paint a mental picture portrait
Something you won’t forget, it’s all about my forehead
And how it is a door that hold’s back contents
That makes Pandora’s box contents look non-violent
Behind my eyelids are islands of violence
My mind ship-wrecked this is the only land my mind could find
I did not know it was such a violent island
Full of tidal waves, suicidal crazed lions
They’re trying to eat me, blood running down their chin
And I know that I can fight, or I can let the lion win
I begin to assemble what weapons I can find
‘Cause sometimes to stay alive you gotta kill your mind
Am I the only one I know
Waging my wars behind my face and above my throat
Shadows will scream that I’m alone  (Unfortunately, the voices, the anxiety tells you that you are all alone, that it is only you in this fight…it’s not true.)
But I know, we’ve made it this far, kid
And I will say that we should take a day to break away
From all the pain our brain has made, the game is not played alone
And I will say that we should take a moment and hold it
And keep it frozen and know that life has a hopeful undertone
And I will say that we should take a day to break away
From all the pain our brain has made, the game is not played alone
And I will say that we should take a moment and hold it
And keep it frozen and know that life has a hopeful undertone
Am I the only one I know
Waging my wars behind my face and above my throat
Shadows will scream that I’m alone
But I know, we’ve made it this far, kid
Made it this far
Made it this far
I don’t know about you. But I have had my share of migraines. But is this song truly about migraines?
I don’t think so. I think it is more about what causes those migraines. Like a fight between yourself. Where your anxiety tells you one thing and you tell yourself something else.
Some of the powerful lines that I thought stand out I have underlined.
The song ends by saying we’ve made it this far, kid. made it this far. made it this far. That is the most powerful thing. We may have this war raging in our head but we made it this far. And we will continue to keep fighting. Music is truly the most powerful coping mechanism that I have found.