#MentalIllness is NOT a fashion statement

Now usually I have all of my blog post scheduled. I work on them. I write them out on paper before I type them up and then I decide which days I want them to go out.

Well….as I was scrolling thru facebook this morning…. I found this. and well. I just had to write about it because it is seriously pissing me off..

I am a huge Nirvana fan. I know I was a toddler when Kurt Cobain’s light went out and we lost a legend. As it was written, he joined the 27 club. The club of many talented artist who lost their lives at the mere age of 27. Which is sad.

But this shirt. and the post that the female wearing the shirt wrote… that is just showing the stigma we who truly suffer a mental illness are surrounded with every day. And if looking at that post doesn’t piss you off…. I don’t know what will.

I shared the image on my personal facebook page with a mean message written with it because I was heated. I was seriously heated. Here’s why.

The letter that is sadly posted on that shirt was written to Cobain’s childhood imaginery friend. It was his inner most thoughts, his dark, sad thoughts. How would you feel if your journal or you personal diary was posted on a shirt for anyone to make a mockery of. That is what this is. it is a mockery.

Now I know anyone can Google Kurt Cobain’s suicide note to read it. I have done it myself when I was researching his life. I have alway been fascinated with the mind of the man who wrote Smells Like Teen Spirit, Heart Shape Box, Lithium, and many others that have been my anthems duing my most angstiest stages of my life.

I still listen to Nirvana to this day and I think that I will always listen to them. They were so genius. They were ahead of their time.

Now to the death of Cobain. I know that I wasn’t but a few years old when it happened and couldn’t possibly understand at that time what it meant. But as I got older I was always curious. There is actually many conspiracy theories about the way that he left us. I don’t think the world will ever really know the truth. and we have to come to term with that.

(It is one of the hardest things about suicide. Is coming to terms with not know why or how or what was going on in their minds in the moments leading up to that moment. )

Lets take a look at what happened after he died. There was an epidemic of copy cat suicides around the world. Many young people thought that they couldn’t cope and we didn’t just lose Cobain. We lost a lot of people in that time. I actually wrote a paper about it when I was taking a psychology class. It was a sad time.

So now back to this shirt. It is insensitive in the least. It is a slap in the face of those who took their lives shortly after Cobain. It is a knife in the heart of Frances Cobain, Kurt’s daughter. Do you really think that she would want people wearing her dad’s suicide note around like they are being fashionable? It is distasteful.

It could actually be a trigger. For those who are suffering with a mental illness. Who are on the brink of the edge. The edge of no return.

This shirt is taking the #BreakTheStigma movement 10 steps back and I feel that we all need to rally together against this.

Let me know what you think about this awful shirt.

Made up illness

I keep finding myself going back to this stigma that surround mental health. Although I only severely deal with chronic anxiety disorder and maybe some bouts of depressions (okay I might be making that sound nicer than it is…) There is still such a black cloud over anyone who has any issues. I mean a black cloud…not grey not white not just a tinge of black. I mean a full on black cloud…run for cover… mother natures fixing to let loose. tornado warning.. Hurricane season…earthquakes are coming…type of black cloud.

I mean haven’t you guys ever heard anyone say anything negative when they find out you have something wrong with you… not that there is anything wrong with you. this is our normal. Just because it’s not theirs doesn’t give them any right to judge who you are or what you are capable of. And who is to say that they’re normal? What is normal? I mean we weren’t all created exactly the same way. We were processed through some silicone mold where we all have the exact same chemistry in our brains.

They are not perfect. No one is.

I do not care how pretty you are or how rich you are. You are not perfect. You do not smell like a bed of roses. There are some type of skeletons in your closet. I completely understand if they don’t want to let them out. Okay. That is their business. But do not come at me with some type of judgemental crap because I let others know that my skeletons are scary. My skeletons are dangerous. And my skeletons haunt me on a daily basis.

Also….don’t tell me that my skeletons are not real. That I can just get over it. It is not possible. Seriously. I cannot just think away the crap I have been through. I cannot just pray away the abuse. The pain. The scars. The journey I have been through just to be able to tell someone about it.

This is why I really hate this stigma. Like HELLO…you are not perfect. Just because you have some type of amazingly built fortress surrounding your emotional being and you can somehow pretend you’re ‘normal’ doesn’t mean you get to tell someone else who is suffering a real battle that you will never see on a daily basis. Hell an hourly basis or even just moment to moment basis that it is a fake disease. That it is not real. That we made this up. That we want attention. If you ever dealt with anxiety…you would know that it is scarier than anything else. It makes you literally afraid of everything. Lumps the good and the bad together and just calls it all bad. It is time we break the stigma. And I will continue to write. I will continue to rant. I will continue to put my journey on here for everyone to see. I will be a safe place for others to vent. I will do everything that I can to break the stigma, because it is time that my generation is the last geneartion to feel like there is something wrong with them for having skeletons. For having demons. For fighting tooth and nail with their mind every single day.


Can’t recover

Again… the stigmas that surround things such as depression and anxiety (just to name a few) are so heavy. Seriously. These are things that we hear from people every single day. Why are you so anxious. Just stay calm. Don’t think about it.

If I could not think for a moment. I would be happy. My brain doesn’t have an off switch and I am not even sure why. Like why can I not think about nothing. Why is my brain always running like it has nothing but coffee for 7 straight days. You think I enjoy thinking about every little thing? Is that car going to slow down? Did I remember to turn the oven off? Lets turn the car around to check. It is difficult to have a brain that is always running.

So now please tell me how I can just stay calm? I have tried meditating. I have tried yoga. I have tried everything I can possibly think of without being medicated to relax, to be calm, to not think as much. And guess what… it doesn’t work.

Like now for instance. I thought we were going to get this thing and we were going to buy a house and everything was going to start looking up…. but theres a catch. We might not be able to get what we wanted exactly. Now I don’t want a home where I have to fix a lot of things….I would end up in the emergency room. I am not handy…at all….and neither is my husband.

So when I get the call today that says hey this house that you love. you won’t be able to get unless you can provide that you have more income than what you’re showing…#%@%!!! That’s what I get for getting my hopes up right. But then there’s that voice in my head that says….see I told you… Too good to be true… Knew it would all fall apart….then I just want to cry and get depressed because well that’s what happens. I will pull myself out of it and still be careful about getting overly excited. Its when I get overly excited that nothing ever goes my way…

You see having anxiety and depression together is hell. You’re scared all the time or second guessing everything and when the slightest thing goes awry…its all nothing. It is hell.

So please stop telling people that they can get over whatever it is that they’re going thru. Truth is…you have no earthly idea what they are dealing with and have absolutely no right to judge them or dictate on how they are living. It is not your illness so leave it alone. Leave them be. Leave your nasty little comments at the door. I mean if you’re going to be a supporter that is perfectly fine. We love having people around us who understand and support us. Encourages us. But when you encourage one day and nit pick the next…you’re not helping…you’re hurting…


Anxiety disorders…unable to stop the emotion

While many of my anxiety attacks stem from things that are real things. Like a car almost hitting the back of my car. A bad confrontation or anything like that.

There are many things that I know are irrational. However, once you’re in an attack…sometimes you just cant shut it down.

I know that I am usually safe but my brain says…no you’re not…you need to freak out and check the door ten times. Or maybe its the fear of failing a class so while you wait for the grade to upload and your computer is freezing…you panic…did I fail? Will I be kicked out of class? If I fail, I’ll be a disappointment to my entire family.

Those 2 minutes that the computer is stalling shouldn’t call for a full blown anxiety mode….but it happens. Unfortunately.

Anxiety is a pain some never experience

I know I post a lot about anxiety. When you look up guides on how to start a blog…they always tell you to pick a topic you know best. For me…thats anxiety…I’ve been dealing with this demon for years. Pretty much since I was 5 but wasn’t diagnosed til i was 15/16. And I hope that my blog somehow helps someone else cope as well.

What is something I want from people when they hear that I have am anxiety disorder and occasional depression? To not judge.

Too often those with mental illness are judged as being incompetent or dangerous. Someone who cannot be trusted. And its so far from the truth. We are just like anyone else. We just have a pain that you might not see or you’ll never feel.

For one…I never think it is okay to judge someone. Ever. Its not fair to that person. Another thing is how can you judge someone for something you have never experienced for yourself. You can’t and you shouldn’t.

If you know someone who is fighting a mental illness….show compassion. Show them love. Show them support. Because at the end of the day when you’re thinking hey I’ve had a good day…we’re exhausted from fighting an invisible battle that we’re just going to have to fight again tomorrow.

So please…..don’t judge….show love.

We need to talk….anxiety issues

This is one of those things that I found on Pinterest that I was like yesss I can totally relate.

And it doesn’t have to be at work either. It can be with anyone.

Like my mom…texting and saying I got something to tell you when I get there….but not telling me what It is or what its about. And then taking an hour or more to come over. Yeah it might have been about some rumor she heard about WWE but thats not the point…its the anxiety of it all.

Seriously…those words are awful. No matter Who says then I am constantly thinking…did I do something wrong? Am I in trouble? And many more along those lines. It is awful.

Can you relate?

Anxiety and parenting

As a parent….we only want what is best for our kids. But is that causing them to have anxiety issues? I truly hope not. Unfortunately, I think it is.

Growing up with a single parent….my mom wasn’t always home. So I had my brothers taking care of me. They are truly opposites. They hated each other and would fight a lot….in front of me. I saw a lot of jealousy….and other things. While there is a genetic line of mental illness on my father’s side…I am pretty certain that a lot of things that happened as a child molded my anxiety I have today.

Being a mom….I’m overly protective. Things that happened to me as a child should never ever happen to a kid and I constantly find myself being that helicopter parent. I have cut people out of my life for simply being a bad influence….I am dead serious too. Is stopped talking to someone for months because they thought it was ok to come around me and my kids drunk or high…I didn’t talk to them again until they could prove that they could be sober.

I’ve also found myself being critical of my daughter. Honestly…I don’t mean too. I will sit there in the bathroom and cry afterwards because I feel like a bad parent.

My daughter will do something…like jump on the couch…I will say hey don’t do that or something to the extent and not even 2 minutes later…shes doing it again…which I then say didn’t I just tell you not to do that… And I end up hurting her feelings.

I am, however, never emotionally cold to my children or any child. I want them to express their emotions and hell…I will cry right along side of them.

So guys…what is your take on this WTFact…? Do you find yourself being critical of your children? What have you done to change it?

I am going to continue to try my best to change how I speak or act towards and around my daughter in the hopes that I don’t pass the anxiety along.

Anxiety can be overwhelming


I know I am safe and I know I am loved. However, it doesn’t always feel that way.

Two years ago, I was in a pretty bad car accident. Some people say it wasn’t so bad because I could walk out of my car. That is after a nice man yanked the door open for me.

I was sitting at a stop light. Minding my own business. Listening to music at a decent volume when I heard this loud bang and everything went crazy. The only thing I could yell at the time was stop.

I wanted it to stop. I wanted to stop. Here I am in my car being shoved into the right side turning lane (which in the end was a blessing) my glasses flew off my head, my milk shake (which I had been craving for all morning…I was about 4 to 6 weeks pregnant at the time) went flying into the windshield. Everything went flying.

This guy was high and I believe the cop said intoxicated…it was 8 am. He hit me and 3 other cars doing 45 mph. Mind you we were all at a stop light. One guy got really lucky and only got side swiped losing a mirror. Another woman and I had to go to the hospital. My car was totaled. The gas tank was ruptured, half of the windows were shattered and my axel was snapped. If that gives you any clue of how bad it was. I still feel pain in my lower back and hips from how I was seated.

Fast forward 2 years and I’ve only been on that road twice. It scares the crap out of me to go back to that intersection. Everytime I drive I am terrified someone isn’t going to stop. That I am going to get hit again and what if it’s worse. Everytime I see a car coming up behind me and it doesn’t look like they’re slowing down I get scared.


I know to some people this sounds completely irrational. But it’s not. This is real to me. This fear is real to me. There are a ton of other examples of what fears my anxiety has. It’s gotten so bad that I say there me and then there’s the anxious me. We’re both the same person but we’re not. The me part wants to do things. Wants to go places see new people. Then the anxious me says nope and lists off a bunch of reasons why I shouldn’t.


There’s a reason my blog isn’t under my real name or why I only share it on certain social media platforms. I have family members who don’t believe me. Who says its all in my head. That I can pray myself different. They don’t undestand and they don’t try to. Its not real to them.

If you have these kinds of people in your life….I’m sorry. I would never cast judgement like that on you. Ever. If you have an experience you’d like to share…please leave me a comment. Its always nice to know you’re not alone. I will reply to every comment. Thank you for listening.