Champion by Fall Out Boy

So yesterday I wrote about being completely scared to go to the Fall Out Boy concert. Well… I did it…. score one for me.. right? maybe. I have been dealing with anxiety, depression and whatever else you want to call it for 10+ years and only 1 of those years was I medicated. So I have gotten very good at hiding it. I have gotten good  at ‘acting’ normal.  There were many times last night where my anxiety wanted to poke its ugly little head out. But I focused on Pete Wentz throughout the whole show and it kind of calmed me down….and honestly I am not sure why.. When the loud pyro went of…which would normally remind me of the car accident… I watched Pete unapologetic rocking out and not caring who watched him. And in the name of Pete Wentz… I jumped, I danced, I rocked and I screamed in the name and love of Fall Out Boy louder than I have ever done at any concert… So Thank you Pete Wentz for coming up on the left side of stage where I so happened to be so that you could be my focus on the show and help me stay out of my anxiety ridden head even if it was only for a few hours.

f10f8f435b6e6fc110d4c9636770496d

So with that being said.. here is a song that I didn’t think I needed til I was hearing it LIVE… now don’t get me wrong… I have loved this song since it came out…but… somehow being there…hearing it loud…live…sung by the band and so many other fans who are probably just like me….gave the song so much more meaning.

974a2546b6a27798707a05774b869dce

 

Champion, champion

I’m calling you from the future
To let you know we made a mistake
And there’s a fog from the past
That’s giving me, giving me such a headache

And I’m back with a madness
I’m a champion of the people who don’t believe in champions
I got nothing but dreams inside
I got nothing but dreams

I’m just young enough to still believe, still believe
But young enough not to know what to believe in
Young enough not to know what to believe in, yeah

If this isn’t the truth. Like I am still young enough to believe in things but possibly too broken to believe in things…I guess that because I’m young I might not know what to believe in.

If I can live through this
If I can live through this
If I can live through this
I can do anything
If I can live through this
If I can live through this
If I can live through this
I can do anything

This is the part that I sung out with all my heart and all the air in my lungs. I haven’t had the best childhood.  There are parts that I push so far down… I don’t like to talk about it because everyone either judges or provide fake sympathy… and I don’t want it. It happened. Do I wish it didn’t? Hell yeah I wish it didn’t…. but I cannot change the abuse that I went thru any more than I can change the color of the sun. So If I can live thru this… thru all the hell that I have endured… all the emotional rollercoasters…. I can live through anything….I can do anything… I am a CHAMPION….

Champion, champion
Champion, champion

I got rage every day, on the inside
The only thing I do is sit around and kill time
I’m trying to blow out the pilot light, I’m trying to blow out the light

I’m just young enough to still believe, still believe
But young enough not to know what to believe in
Young enough not to know what to believe

If I can live through this
If I can live through this
If I can live through this
I can do anything
If I can live through this
If I can live through this
If I can live through this
I can do anything

Champion, champion
I can do anything
Champion, champion
And I can do anything
Champion, champion
And I can do anything
Champion, champion
I can do anything

If I can live through this
If I can live through this
If I can live through this
I can do anything
(I can do anything I can)
If I can live through this
(Can do anything, anything, yeah)
If I can live through this
If I can live through this
If I can live through this,
If I can live through, live through this

e0b60646ebc878fb1f685c74a911bdf2

#Lyric time…Unwell by Matchbox 20

Sometimes there are those songs that literally speak to our anxious minds and this just so happens to be one of them. In my true fashion…I will Post the lyrics in bold and my thought in normal text… If this song speaks to you let me know.

Unwell by Matchbox 20 (April, 2003)

All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
But sometimes I can’t sleep because my anxiety keeps me up late at night… thinking about things that maybe I should have done or what I did do and how I could have done it differently.
Hold on
Feeling like I’m headed for a breakdown
And I don’t know why
I don’t know why I feel bad sometimes. I get emotional and worked up. and feel like I am going to have a break down.
But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I am not crazy. I feel that people look at me for having anxiety as if I am crazy. I am not. I just cannot control my anxious brain sometimes. It groups safe and unsafe things and puts it all into a singular group of unsafe.
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be, me
I’m talking to myself in public
Unfortunately, I have talked to myself in public… but not in the I am crazy way. but in a way that is kind of like a person slams on their brakes…why are you riding your brakes car. Or I hate bees… I’ll be sitting in the car with the window down and a bee will come in.. then I will scream say I hate bees and probably jump out of the car.
Dodging glances on the train
I don’t like to look at people because I feel like they will think I am staring
And I know, I know they’ve all been talking about me
With anxiety, you fear that everyone is always talking about you.
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Is there something wrong with me?
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I’ve lost my mind
But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be
I’ve been talking in my sleep
Yeah I know I talk in my sleep but I am kind of afraid of what I might say in said sleep
Pretty soon they’ll come to get me
Yeah, they’re taking me away
But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Hey, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I’m just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I’m just a little unwell
This song is really good.  take a listen at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WziA88-n02k

Lyric time…again #LeaveOutAllTheRest by Linkin Park

80420bc8b4677b97d9e3e350bb9e8728

It kind of messes a person up when someone says I want this song at my funeral.. yeah.. my brother did that… This song at his funeral. Fantastic. Also, this reminds me of my friend that passed away…

Anyway. Here is my  thought process when I feel the lyrics.

 

I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
Cause no one else cared

does anyone care about me?
After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I’m done here?

I am terrified of death. Heck, even thinking about losing my mom or brothers, I automatically break down into tears. It is awful. just awful. And I am afraid of dying. Like how will my kids be? Will their daddy be able to take care of them?  It is a very depressing thought process
So, if you’re asking me, I want you to know

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done

I haven’t done so much wrong, but I’ve hurt people
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed

Will I be missed?
And don’t resent me

This part is where my friend’s passing comes into my mind. He was battling addiction. So I take this part as like him saying hey, don’t resent me for my battles. for what I’ve been thru.
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

I don’t want to forget my friend and when my time comes, I hope my memory will be alive with my kids.
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Don’t be afraid
I’ve taken my beating
I’ve shared what I’ve made
I’m strong on the surface
Not all the way through

I may show a strong persona but deeper inside I am not strong at all. I am weak.
I’ve never been perfect

Nobody’s perfect.
But neither have you
So, if you’re asking me, I want you to know

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
And don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting
All the hurt inside you’ve learned to hide so well

hiding it is so much easier than letting others see
Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself

Nobody can save me
I can’t be who you are

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
And don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting
All the hurt inside you’ve learned to hide so well
Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can’t be who you are
I can’t be who you are

I can’t be who you are. I can only be myself. Maybe I over think. Maybe I let my anxiety run my life every now and then. Maybe I need to let things go sometimes. But I can’t be who you are.

 

 

So what do you feel when you hear this song? What lyric stands out the most to you?

Lyric time… #Heavy

So here is another song. Of course by Linkin Park. Well this song has 2 meanings for me… The first one is that when I found this music video back at the end of May beginning of April, it came at just the right time as a childhood friend of mine had died. He was actually my brothers friend and my first crush… He was battling addiction and had been for at least 6 years. So the video hit home and I bawled like a little baby. It was awful. The second reason I relate to this song is because of my anxiety disorder. Having anxiety is like having two people in your head. One that wants to do things and one that thinks everything is scary and unsafe.

So for my little commentary for this song.. I will talk about my battle with anxiety. Although the video does make me think about my friends battle and how it hurt when I found out he was no longer with us…I cannot comment about his addiction because it wasn’t my story to tell. (I miss you my friend…)

424a1745e47bc5ff95f54e1111fb74fa

I don’t like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary

This is a constant struggle. Every day. There is some kind of problem. Some kind of new stress weighing me down.
Wish that I could slow things down

I wish I could slow my mind down so that maybe I could see that things aren’t so bad
I wanna let go but there’s comfort in the panic
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything’s about me

Unfortunately, I think that people are talking about me. It is part of my anxiety. The part that says I’m not good enough.
Yeah, I drive myself crazy
‘Cause I can’t escape the gravity

I’m holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry

Holding on to everything that’s ever been said. That’s ever happened.
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free

It would be nice to be free but how can I let go? I can’t let go.
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?

You say that I’m paranoid

Well I am kind of paranoid.. a lot.
But I’m pretty sure the world is out to get me

Well…everything is dangerous. my head says so
It’s not like I make the choice
To let my mind stay so fucking messy

I don’t choose to always think this way. Hell, I wish I could be like others who have time where they don’t think and where they don’t remember their dreams or don’t dream at all. You ask my husband at any given time what he’s thinking about…he’ll say nothing… I can’t do it. I am always thinking.
I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same
I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same

I’m holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?

I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same
I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything’s about me

Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Why is everything so heavy?
Why is everything so heavy?

 

There are two types of people. The ones who listen to the music… and that’s all they hear… and the ones who feel the lyrics. I am the type of person who feels the lyrics. A song can change my mood in a heartbeat.

#Lyrics #TalkingToMyself

Because music speaks the words that we are all too afraid to mutter. I decided that I would start looking at songs and why I relate to them. The first one…. Talking to myself by Linkin Park. I sure do miss Chester.

5615d86c91e20a14082bd437bc02bea6

Tell me what I’ve gotta do
There’s no getting through to you

I have someone in my family who has constantly gone thru this depressive state (Although some say he’s just striving for attention) where he cuts himself, gets overly drunk or does something….No matter what I do, what I say. I cannot get thru to him to stop. He has spent many nights in the hospital and even been committed.
The lights are on but nobody’s home (nobody’s home)

This line really gets to me. Like I try my hardest to convince him that there is a reason to live. His family. He has kids. He can change his life. But I feel like the minute I start talking he shuts down and stops listening.
You say I can’t understand
But you’re not giving me a chance

This part gets me because he acts like since I am okay on the outside that I haven’t dealt with my own demons. I do. I deal with them on a daily basis. I talked to a therapist at a Halloween party about certain things and he thinks that because of certain things that happened when I was younger that stemmed from this family member is why I have my demons… Could possibly be true. Like when I finally start to talk about what happened, being called a liar… Thanks. Honestly, thanks.
When you leave me, where do you go? (Where do you go?)

Again, I try to talk and he shuts me down.

All the walls that you keep building
All this time that I spent chasing
All the ways that I keep losing you

Am I ever going to get thru to him?

The truth is, you turn into someone else

When he gets in these moods where he doesn’t care, it’s like I am dealing with someone else. I know he is capable of love. I know he is capable of compassion, but sometimes when he’s like this it seems like he is someone else.
You keep running like the sky is falling
I can whisper, I can yell
But I know, yeah I know, yeah I know
I’m just talking to myself
Talking to myself
Talking to myself
But I know, yeah I know, yeah I know
I’m just talking to myself

It does seem like I am talking to myself. Honestly. Nothing I have ever said has gotten thru to him. He has watched many anxiety/panic attacks while he cuts himself or takes off or when he’s just being him. But does he stop. Does he care? Will he listen to me finally? I doubt it. I feel like I am talking to myself.

I admit I made mistakes

Nobody’s perfect
But yours might cost you everything

In his case, his life
Can’t you hear me calling you home?

All the walls that you keep building
All this time that I spent chasing
All the ways that I keep losing you

The truth is, you turn into someone else
You keep running like the sky is falling
I can whisper, I can yell
But I know, yeah I know, yeah I know
I’m just talking to myself
Talking to myself
Talking to myself
But I know, yeah I know, yeah I know
I’m just talking to myself

All the walls that you keep building
All this time that I spent chasing
All the ways that I keep losing you

The truth is, you turn into someone else
You keep running like the sky is falling
I can whisper, I can yell
But I know, yeah I know, yeah I know
I’m just talking to myself
Talking to myself
Talking to myself
But I know, yeah I know, yeah I know
I’m talking to myself