The Smallest Things

There must be something in the air today. This strong ass wind must be carrying some type of toxin that is causing so much anxiety.

Not just for me. My best friend is having a shit anxiety day as well over some stupid drama at her work which sent her into a crying fest in the bathroom and even tho she gathered herself together and put on a brave face as only those with issues know how to do, her boss is still siding with the other employee and sending my friend home.

And I can’t be much help to her because as I am sitting in the school line waiting to pick up the kids, I am in a blubbering mess as well. Why?

Well here is what my brain is telling me. I am a no good, money spending, talentless, fat, mess. Who can only spend money and cannot make money for the life of me. I have put in application for almost every at home job I can think of and apparently I am not what anyone is looking for. I cannot bring myself to get another fast food job because I know that I will be a blubbering whale of a mess in the bathroom from dealing with people face to face. The whole idea of trying to juggle every single thing that I do on a daily basis as well as working even a part time job outside of my home sends my heart rate higher than the Eiffle tower. I can’t even monetinize my blog well enough to draw in any money from the ads. I’m obviously not cut out to be a money making blogger. Even tho I like blogging because it helps me work thru a lot of my issues.

So why is this happening today.

Well I was running an errand for my mom before coming to the school line and I needed gas. So at the gas station I noticed my tires are low again for the thousandth time and when I was driving I noticed that the steering wheel kinda shakes so I decided to focus all of my attention on how my car was riding and I could tell with how worn the tires looked and felt that I need new tires.

Usually I would just get used tires. But since I drive sooooo much running every single flipping errand that occurs in our family as well as taking kids to and from school that it would be in the best interest of my family to get brand new tires as they have a higher chance of being safer. Because you never really know how these used tires are going to go. You could pay the 40 bucks to get a used tire put on and hit a pot hole on the way home and blow that tire you just bought. Now I can add 30 more to that and get a brand new tire. But I need 2 tires both my front tires are bad. So I am looking at 200 bucks for tires basically. with taxes and installation.

And I spent money buying other stuff recently for this awful cold that I am unfortunately coming down with. And it always seem like I am spending money and I feel bad because I am not bringing in money. I feel like a bad wife because my husband is working 10-12 hours a day 6 days straight and I’m just blowing his hard earned money.

Sometimes it is the smallest things that can make you feel like you’re useless, worthless, nothing.

I know I usually post some type of way you can deal with it or something positive.

But I just can’t today. I am having one of the worst anxiety days in a while…

So now, because I am that type of person, I got to figure out how I can make it up to my husband for spending 200. Even tho he won’t be mad or say anything about it because he wants the girls to be safe. But I am going to do it anyway because I feel like I have to do more since I stay at home.

Also, because music usually helps me in these moments and its usually my therapy… I was dumb enough to look up linkin park’s acoustic versions of their songs and just hearing Chesters voice from certain songs is sending me into another blubbering mess because well he was a gem that we loss. a beautiful soul.

If ya’ll know how to monetize your blog successfully…. I am all ears because I cannot go back to retail/fast food. And I really enjoy writing to you guys.

Wish me luck. 🙂

A fan letter

Well it is time for another fan letter. This time to someone who was left behind.

 

Dear Mike Shinoda,

I wanted to say thank you for being such an inspiration to all of us fans. Though you lost your best friend….you’ve been there for all of us fans as we grieve.

We miss Chester too.

There are many reasons why we fans love you. You’re silliness shows me that growing old may be mandatory but growing up is optional. That we can still act silly no matter how old we are, or where we are in our life. I love your passion for music. I can see how much you put your heart and soul into every song. Your work ethic is inspiring.

You always have time for us fans. And since Chester passed, you have made yourself even more available to us. Your smile is infectious. When you smile…. I can’t help but smile too. (It helps that you’re cute too ) The Linkin Park fans are very different from every other fan group as you all have said numerous times. But we stand out because of you all. (I’m a southerner I wan’t to say ya’ll…) I cannot speak for anyone else but you have had a big impact as well as Linkin Park on my life and my battle with anxiety

 

Signed,

A thankful fan

Fan letter: Dear Chester

 

I looked up journal prompts and some that may help with your mental health. One was to write a fan letter and you don’t actually have to send it. But if there is a certain celebrity that you relate to, one who has helped you thru a difficult time, writing your fan letter may help you to understand why they’re so important to you. So today… I am writing one to someone who is sadly no longer with us…..

Dear Chester Bennington,

It has been a little over 5 months since you left us. And I am pretty sure I speak for may fans when I say missing you hasn’t gotten any easier. I hope that you’re out there somewhere safe, somewhere warm… somewhere your demons can no longer torment you. And I hope you know how loved you are and always will be.

I want to thank you for always fighting for mental health. You laid out all of your problems in your songs and millions of fans, including myself, related to everything that you said. Thank you for being a voice for us when we didn’t feel like we had one.

There are way to many songs for me to list that spoke to me. Spoke to my soul and spoke me out of my anxiety. Helped me crawl my way out of depression. Your songs were my go to for my mental state. There is always a song in your library of genius that held some sort of meaning for me.

I can never say enough for what you meant to me… and its not just me. There are millions of fans around the world who felt the same way. And it is even worse with the fact that we missed your signs. The signs that you needed a friend. The signs that things were getting bad again. I’m sorry.

I’m sorry we never truly saw all the pain in your eyes. And I know that I never knew you personally….and never would have been more than just a random fan…. a body in a crowd. But I can’t help but wish that maybe I could have done something. anything to help you get thru your pain. To help you keep fighting. But you slipped thru our fingers.

The world lost a legend. The world lost a magnificent voice who helped lonely people like myself every single day. I bought the One More Light Live cd… and I can’t stop listening to it. It is the last Live album you’ll ever have. I feel like if I stop listening to the CD… you’ll truly be gone. And I know that you are in a better place… And I know I am being ‘silly’ being so tore up about a celebrity I never knew. But I feel like turning off the CD will put the final nail in the coffin.. You know? It would make it more real. At least if I keep playing the CD… I can keep hearing your voice. I’m not ready to give that up yet. I know that I can always play any of your cd’s or watch any of the videos on youtube to see you. But it is just something about this Live album that makes it more significant. Mike’s Instagram live listen of it didn’t help either. I feel his pain

You see… I lost a friend that was really close to me 7 years ago. It was unexpected and I thought I was going to see him again in a couple days… those couple of days will never come. I have never taken death very well and I am an overly emotional person. But I have never been to a memorial over a celebrity before…until you Chester.

your love for your family and fans was so strong that I was pulled to go. I felt like I needed to go. And when we all sang One More Light… there wasn’t a dry eye in the room. We care Chester. We care if one more light goes out. And for as long as I live…. I will be shining my light as bright as I can and work as hard as I can to break the stigma.

I applaud your wife Chester. She is one strong woman. When she has all the right to hide from the world and mourn…. she is standing tall with your love and fighting for you fans. She is fighting for mental health. She is fighting for you. She is a role model by all means.

Linkin Park doesn’t know what they’re going to do without you. And part of me feels like it’s not Linkin Park without you in it..without your fabulous voice… without your powerful screams….But I also know that they need to be able to mourn… They need to be able to move on. If they decide to continue as a band…and they should…they’re brothers….I will always support them. And I know that they will honor your memory in the best way possible.

Thank you for everything you did for your fans. All of your songs. All of your smiles.

We will always miss you.

Signed,

Just a fan.

Lyric time…again #LeaveOutAllTheRest by Linkin Park

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It kind of messes a person up when someone says I want this song at my funeral.. yeah.. my brother did that… This song at his funeral. Fantastic. Also, this reminds me of my friend that passed away…

Anyway. Here is my  thought process when I feel the lyrics.

 

I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
Cause no one else cared

does anyone care about me?
After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I’m done here?

I am terrified of death. Heck, even thinking about losing my mom or brothers, I automatically break down into tears. It is awful. just awful. And I am afraid of dying. Like how will my kids be? Will their daddy be able to take care of them?  It is a very depressing thought process
So, if you’re asking me, I want you to know

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done

I haven’t done so much wrong, but I’ve hurt people
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed

Will I be missed?
And don’t resent me

This part is where my friend’s passing comes into my mind. He was battling addiction. So I take this part as like him saying hey, don’t resent me for my battles. for what I’ve been thru.
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

I don’t want to forget my friend and when my time comes, I hope my memory will be alive with my kids.
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Don’t be afraid
I’ve taken my beating
I’ve shared what I’ve made
I’m strong on the surface
Not all the way through

I may show a strong persona but deeper inside I am not strong at all. I am weak.
I’ve never been perfect

Nobody’s perfect.
But neither have you
So, if you’re asking me, I want you to know

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
And don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting
All the hurt inside you’ve learned to hide so well

hiding it is so much easier than letting others see
Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself

Nobody can save me
I can’t be who you are

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
And don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting
All the hurt inside you’ve learned to hide so well
Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can’t be who you are
I can’t be who you are

I can’t be who you are. I can only be myself. Maybe I over think. Maybe I let my anxiety run my life every now and then. Maybe I need to let things go sometimes. But I can’t be who you are.

 

 

So what do you feel when you hear this song? What lyric stands out the most to you?

Lyric time… #Heavy

So here is another song. Of course by Linkin Park. Well this song has 2 meanings for me… The first one is that when I found this music video back at the end of May beginning of April, it came at just the right time as a childhood friend of mine had died. He was actually my brothers friend and my first crush… He was battling addiction and had been for at least 6 years. So the video hit home and I bawled like a little baby. It was awful. The second reason I relate to this song is because of my anxiety disorder. Having anxiety is like having two people in your head. One that wants to do things and one that thinks everything is scary and unsafe.

So for my little commentary for this song.. I will talk about my battle with anxiety. Although the video does make me think about my friends battle and how it hurt when I found out he was no longer with us…I cannot comment about his addiction because it wasn’t my story to tell. (I miss you my friend…)

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I don’t like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary

This is a constant struggle. Every day. There is some kind of problem. Some kind of new stress weighing me down.
Wish that I could slow things down

I wish I could slow my mind down so that maybe I could see that things aren’t so bad
I wanna let go but there’s comfort in the panic
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything’s about me

Unfortunately, I think that people are talking about me. It is part of my anxiety. The part that says I’m not good enough.
Yeah, I drive myself crazy
‘Cause I can’t escape the gravity

I’m holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry

Holding on to everything that’s ever been said. That’s ever happened.
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free

It would be nice to be free but how can I let go? I can’t let go.
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?

You say that I’m paranoid

Well I am kind of paranoid.. a lot.
But I’m pretty sure the world is out to get me

Well…everything is dangerous. my head says so
It’s not like I make the choice
To let my mind stay so fucking messy

I don’t choose to always think this way. Hell, I wish I could be like others who have time where they don’t think and where they don’t remember their dreams or don’t dream at all. You ask my husband at any given time what he’s thinking about…he’ll say nothing… I can’t do it. I am always thinking.
I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same
I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same

I’m holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?

I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same
I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything’s about me

Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Why is everything so heavy?
Why is everything so heavy?

 

There are two types of people. The ones who listen to the music… and that’s all they hear… and the ones who feel the lyrics. I am the type of person who feels the lyrics. A song can change my mood in a heartbeat.

Chester Bennington

 

As many of you know, we lost a legend on July 20, 2017.  This day will forever be a dark cloud for an entire generation. It was on this day that Chester Bennington died by suicide. There are many words to describe this amazing person. Too many words than I could put in one simple post.

I first began listening to Linkin Park when their first album came out. Now for this generation growing up now wouldn’t understand what it was like to wait for TRL to show your favorite videos.  As a child I listened to anything and everything my brothers did.  This meant Linkin Park, Green Day, Nirvana, Simple Plan, Slipknot and many more. Actually, a lot of what my brothers listened to is what I still listen to today.  I remember being in elementary school when I heard this most amazing scream coming from my brothers room.  From that instance I was hooked.

Many years later, I saw Chester when he was with Stone Temple Pilots and that day would have been one of the best in the world.  Except I was pregnant and nauseous. Then fate would be on my side, Linkin Park was coming to my state and I was going to get to see him and this time I wasn’t going to be sick. Or at least I thought fate was on my side. I know that sounds a little selfish.  I shouldn’t be selfish. It’s not about me. But it is okay for me to feel the way that I do. And if anyone tells you that its not okay for you to be upset then they need to go on somewhere.

What I think a lot of us are asking is if Chester cannot win his battle, then how can we?  It is the Linkin Park family, the soldiers, that have come together to help each other battle these mental illnesses.  It is even Chester’s own wife who is taking a stand and taking the stigma out of mental illness.

When the world lost Kurt Cobain to suicide, the world saw a mass of copy cat suicides.  When we lost Chester, we lost our rock, our inspiration. We lost the voice who spoke for our battles, who spoke to who we hide from the world.  Chester related to us all. When we lost him, we lost our friend.  We may not have known him personally, but he spoke to our souls so well that we all felt like we knew him.  Through Chester, us soldiers knew it was okay to not be like everyone else. We knew that it was okay to be hurting, it was okay to cry, to break. It was okay.  We were going to be okay. His smile was infectious and he brought joy to millions of people. I feared that when we lost him, we would see copy cat deaths by suicide like we did in the early 90’s.  It was this anxious thought that made me jump to twitter and try to reach out to anyone and everyone I could so that they knew they were not alone. If you are reading this…. You are not alone.

I will never turn someone away who is hurting. I will never not listen to someone when they need to talk. Please reach out. I am such a great listener. I will be here for you.  I might not be anything else but listen but please know you can reach out.

Why should we be looked down upon because we are depressed? Why are we turned away as if we’re being over dramatic when we feel anxious? I am anxious, all the time. But I am not different than you. I am still a person. I am still fighting.c44020eed5938145ab9c1e5d7a0a389a