Who you needed

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Okay guys… half of my anxiety is genetic….and the other half stems from things I have experienced. So I thought Well… who else is struggling with anxiety that is from what we experienced.

We are doing the best we can. Honestly, we are. So what is one thing that you can do…or think…a goal. Well I got one for you.

Be the person you needed when you were younger.

Maybe you needed a mom who was home more. Or a friend who checked on others and helped out. When you were young….what did you need. Did you need someone to hold your hand when you got a shot? Be that person now.  It is never too late to make changes and start being who you needed then and who you need now.

For me.. I take this as a mom. You see. I had a single parent. She had to work. And she worked all the time. Sometimes I barely remember her being home. I know we took the occasional day trip to the beach or something but when she had to work….she wasn’t home that much. She never came to lunch or field trips or anything. So I try to make sure that for the kids in my life… I am there fore them. I go to lunches and field trips and everything I possibly think of.

What is #Anxiety???

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This is possibly the most accurate description of what feeling like anxiety is like. Unfortunately, I have this feeling at least 98% of the day.

What is funny is that when the seat belt locks up on me.. I literally freak out. Pulling on it trying to get free, getting frustrated and angry.

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Overthinking is a big part of my anxiety. It is also why I can’t sleep. So I figured if I am going to have a blog that deals with anxiety I might as well be brutally honest right? So here we go.

Second Guess everything.

Did I run that stop light? Did I do a rolling stop? OMG is that cop going to do a U turn and pull me over? Is the chicken completely done? Did I show my daughters enough love today? Did I give them enough boundaries? Did I hurt my mom’s feelings with that comment? Should I have said that? Second guessing is like second nature to me. I pretty much think I don’t do anything right so I have to double check. Because well I just suck.

Analyze things to death

Yeah.. that part about me sucking comes from analyzing everything more than God ever intended it to be analyzed. Seriously. Someone once told me I have an analytical brain. I thought that sounded really cool and that it made me cool. Yeah. That’s not how this thing called anxiety works. Analytical only means that I think a lot and over analyze things way too much.

Expect The Worst

OMG Just reading that statement I can already tell it was written just for me. A lot of people say that I am an overly protective parent. That’s true but because I expect the worse. At a Halloween thing I went to there was all kinds of things just sitting around. Big heavy wood or metal things with sharp edges. My daughter and her best friend (her cousin) were chasing each other around in circle and in my head all I could see is one of them fall face first into one of these items and busting their head open. I know that sounds like really bad of me to say but I cannot help it. So I tell them not to run around those items. I have them run in an open area that is grass and I worry about spiders or snakes (thankfully its getting cold) So I don’t really like them running in grass either. I am terrified of snakes. deathly afraid of snakes and if one bit me or my girls I would probably have a heart attack.

Have Insomnia 

Well as you can tell from when this post was published. I don’t sleep very well. at all. Pretty much ever. I wish I did. I want to sleep. But sometimes my head just thinks about things over and over and over. I make lists for groceries or what bills need to be paid more than once to make sure I got everything right. I clean when I can’t sleep. Organizing things helps when I am anxious. What is sleep? Is it nice?

Hate making decisions, would rather someone make them for you

I hate hate hate hate having to make a decision. Usually because it takes a very long time for me to actually decide. I have to weigh the pros and cons. I have to make a list. I have to get peoples opinion. I think the only decision that I made without any help was when I decided to go back to school. And then I was too afraid to tell anyone.

Regret Often

Pretty much. I am a helping person. I have helped many people. and this isn’t just some way for me to gloat about what I’ve done. Because I completely feel bad that I regret spending all my money or time helping someone when they don’t want to help themselves. I regret buying myself something. Like I need pants I literally only have 3 jeans that fit comfortable. I am fat. I know this. I am trying to lose weight. It just isn’t working. So when I bought those 3 pairs of jeans I completely regretted it. I could’ve spent that money on bills, food or my girls. I don’t do well with spending money on me or having someone else spend money on me.

Can’t let things go/ Take things personally

This is pretty much the root of my arguments with my husband. I hold on to things way too long. Longer than I ever mean to. I promise I won’t do it but then that voice in my head goes….well you remember that one time and then it’s all I can think about. I also take things way too personally. Unfortunately, my husband cannot pick with me too much because I take it offensively or get hurt. I also take it personally if he picks around or jokes with another female because it comes across as flirting when he really doesn’t mean to. He’s an only child and didn’t learn things as easily or as completely as others like the actual way to flirt rather than joking around.

  Criticize yourself

This is me. 100% all day. everyday. I know it makes others upset about how I talk about myself. I am fat. I know I am. According to the weight chart I am way over fat. I used to be skinnier. I wish I could get back to that. I don’t have the best teeth. That comes from a freak accident with my niece and a broken arm. I am not pretty. My face could be skinnier. My hair doesn’t do anything special. It’s not super straight and its not curly. It just sits there and gets knotted. I am not the best mom. I fuss at my kids. I could be better. But I am not. Everyday I criticize something that I have or have not done.

Never 100% Certain/ feel tense

If you asked me if we should go left or right… I wouldn’t be able to give you an answer. I don’t know which is the correct way. You ask me for a percentage.. its going to be 95%. I am always tense. I am always prepared to leave. I am always waiting to leave and I am always depending on my husband to provide a little bit of relief. Anxiety sucks.

Feel like you can’t turn your brain off

If you haven’t learned anything from this post, you should understand that I cannot ever turn my brain off. I wish I could be like some of those people who can sit there and not think. What does it feel like to have no thoughts at all?

 

So thank you for listening to this long rant so early in the morning. If you see anything on the list that you can relate to. Let me know. Lets start the discussion on anxiety. Lets break the stigma around mental illness. I look forward to hearing from you.

 

 

#Anxiety… Tips for a relationship (maybe)

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Although I personally hate repeating myself, especially when I have told my daughter to pick up her shoes before someone trips for the thousand time. There are some things that I like to have repeated. Well not like. I need.

The sad thing is. I come across as such a bitch all the time. Because I am afraid. Because I am always asking the same thing over and over. Because I want to know what is going on. Because I feel like someone is talking about me even when I am listening to the same conversation. I don’t know why. It just seems like they’re using some type of code to talk about me. It doesn’t help that these people my husband was friends with started all of these awful rumors about me. Even tho my husband has told them off and they’re no longer friends, they still run their mouth about me or stare me down if I am in the same area as them. They have even made comments about my kids and how they wish they could see them. Like I am in the wrong somehow for not letting them (they are bad people. like a leech. they literally suck the life…and finances out of people) be in my kids life. They also don’t understand the importance of kids having boundaries and respect. But I am getting off subject. Well sort of. They did not help my anxiety in my relationship in the beginning of things. They are a total different subject that I don’t like to get into because well lets just say…I get angry.

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This photo explains pretty much how being in a relationship with anxiety is all about. I know that it says its called relationship anxiety. However, my relationship isn’t the only part that I am anxious over. I am anxious all the time. It’s also not just with my husband that I do these things.

As a momma’s girl, I worry about my moms health. Is she ok? Did she make it home ok? I worry about her driving. I worry about her going to the store alone. I mean her knee gave out on her once. What if it happens in the store and she’s alone. Would someone help her up? Or would they rob her? I worry about my husband taking my daughter to the bathroom in public. You know where he stands outside the womens room. What if he turns for one second and she disappears? What if someone in the bathroom harms her? I literally cannot begin to tell you how much I fear on a day to day basis. Sometimes it is unbearable and I just stay at home and cry. It is awful. I worry about getting into a car accident when me and my husband go somewhere alone in the same car. Who would take care of our girls?

What do I do? well for one… my mom texts me every time before she comes to my house to let me know she is in the car. She texts me when she gets home in the evening and we pretty much text all day until we go to bed. I run all of the errands for her that she doesn’t have to. (Yes I go and run the errands alone even tho it makes me anxious to be in the car. I’d rather it just be me in a car accident to even begin to think about my mom or daughters in my car.) I take her to the store so that I know she is okay. I ask my husband to find the family bathrooms so that he can go in with our daughter. When I am with her in the public restrooms she is no farther than an arms length away from me. I try to ensure that I will always be able to grab her if something happens. We have talked about public safety and the importance of having a secret word. We’ve talked about stranger danger and that you need to make a scene if someone grabs you. Like screaming thats not my mommy or thats not my daddy. Anything that will bring attention to yourself….

There are many weeks where I have gone on about 4 hours of sleep a night. I sit here and worry or over think things. I know that I have provided some posts about how to do things when it comes to anxiety. Tips that might help. Unfortunately, this is a personal post. This is me sharing just a little bit of my personal fears with you. Maybe you’ll feel a little comfortable to share a little bit of your fears with me. Do you have a way to turn your brain off? How do you combat insomnia? I look forward to hearing from you.

BBQ Cheeseburger Casserole.

As you have probably figured by now, I am a sucker for a casserole. Especially with two kids, house work, errands and school work. Casseroles as well as dump and bakes are a blessing. This was actually really good….and simple. My picky eater ate all of it… then again she did want some of her trunk or treat candy….We have rules… haha.

What you’ll need:

1Lb ground beef

Onion (optional)

About 1/2 cup BBQ

About 1/4 cup Mustard ( I used honey mustard because I love it)

1 package crescent rolls.

1 to 2 cups cheese.

*I say about because I don’t usually use measurements. I eyeball all the measurements, taste it…if it needs more add it.

Preheat oven to 350 Degrees F

Cook the ground beef and onion til no longer pink. Season it however you like.

While the beef is cooking, open the crescent rolls and place in a baking dish. spread it out to fit. Then bake until just barely golden and no longer gooey.

Once the beef is done, drain it. Add the BBQ and Mustard.

Then place on top of the crescent roll.

Add cheese!

Bake for about 20 to 30 minutes. Then ENJOY!

#Lyrics #TalkingToMyself

Because music speaks the words that we are all too afraid to mutter. I decided that I would start looking at songs and why I relate to them. The first one…. Talking to myself by Linkin Park. I sure do miss Chester.

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Tell me what I’ve gotta do
There’s no getting through to you

I have someone in my family who has constantly gone thru this depressive state (Although some say he’s just striving for attention) where he cuts himself, gets overly drunk or does something….No matter what I do, what I say. I cannot get thru to him to stop. He has spent many nights in the hospital and even been committed.
The lights are on but nobody’s home (nobody’s home)

This line really gets to me. Like I try my hardest to convince him that there is a reason to live. His family. He has kids. He can change his life. But I feel like the minute I start talking he shuts down and stops listening.
You say I can’t understand
But you’re not giving me a chance

This part gets me because he acts like since I am okay on the outside that I haven’t dealt with my own demons. I do. I deal with them on a daily basis. I talked to a therapist at a Halloween party about certain things and he thinks that because of certain things that happened when I was younger that stemmed from this family member is why I have my demons… Could possibly be true. Like when I finally start to talk about what happened, being called a liar… Thanks. Honestly, thanks.
When you leave me, where do you go? (Where do you go?)

Again, I try to talk and he shuts me down.

All the walls that you keep building
All this time that I spent chasing
All the ways that I keep losing you

Am I ever going to get thru to him?

The truth is, you turn into someone else

When he gets in these moods where he doesn’t care, it’s like I am dealing with someone else. I know he is capable of love. I know he is capable of compassion, but sometimes when he’s like this it seems like he is someone else.
You keep running like the sky is falling
I can whisper, I can yell
But I know, yeah I know, yeah I know
I’m just talking to myself
Talking to myself
Talking to myself
But I know, yeah I know, yeah I know
I’m just talking to myself

It does seem like I am talking to myself. Honestly. Nothing I have ever said has gotten thru to him. He has watched many anxiety/panic attacks while he cuts himself or takes off or when he’s just being him. But does he stop. Does he care? Will he listen to me finally? I doubt it. I feel like I am talking to myself.

I admit I made mistakes

Nobody’s perfect
But yours might cost you everything

In his case, his life
Can’t you hear me calling you home?

All the walls that you keep building
All this time that I spent chasing
All the ways that I keep losing you

The truth is, you turn into someone else
You keep running like the sky is falling
I can whisper, I can yell
But I know, yeah I know, yeah I know
I’m just talking to myself
Talking to myself
Talking to myself
But I know, yeah I know, yeah I know
I’m just talking to myself

All the walls that you keep building
All this time that I spent chasing
All the ways that I keep losing you

The truth is, you turn into someone else
You keep running like the sky is falling
I can whisper, I can yell
But I know, yeah I know, yeah I know
I’m just talking to myself
Talking to myself
Talking to myself
But I know, yeah I know, yeah I know
I’m talking to myself

#anxiety … Its time for something personal

Well as a part of my thank you to my followers. Yeah I know. I haven’t hit a big number of followers but the ones I do have are important and no one can ever change that. So, I was requested to post a personal diary story.

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As a mom with anxiety disorder, things get hard. And no, I don’t mean in any way that would physically harm anyone. My brother was/is a cutter…I won’t go down that road… I do have a high pain tolerance (all natural births both times) however I’m not the type of person who want to test my tolerance.

When I say hard I mean I go thru times where I don’t feel good enough. I stay at home.

The mornings start with my husband leaving for work. Is he going to be late? Did I not hear the alarm to make sure hes up? I sleep too much. I’m not doing my part. I’m not good enough.

After he leaves I start getting things ready for the day. Pull out meat so i can cook dinner and pack kids lunches. Did I remember the spoon? Did I take the crust off the sandwhich? Will this fill them up? Is this what they wanted to eat today? I’m not good enough.

Now comes the part of waking my daughter up so we can get ready for school to pick up my nephews. Am I helping enough? Did I yell at her? Was I too mean? Is my youngest feeling left out? I’m not good enough.

In the car I hear the kids talking…on days like these I’m usually lost in my head. Did I run the light? Did I stop long enough at the stop sign? Then one of the kids asks if I will come eat lunch with them….sometimes its hard to gather the energy to be in a loud room full of kids. Am I there for the kids enough? I’m not good enough.

Getting back home with my toddler usually consists of more picking up. Do I clean enough? Fixing myself and the baby some breakfast. Is she getting the proper nutrtion? Then it’s getting her ready for nap time. I’m not good enough.

While she naps I try to get some school work done. Maybe edit some photos. Wishing that I had the courage to go out and take photos without constantly needing someone with me. I’m not good enough.

Nap times over. Time to clean the baby up. Diapers and clothes changed etc. Then its time to make the baby some lunch. Does she know how much I love her and her sister? I’m not good enough

Time to get the kids from school. This consists of sitting in the car line for an hour to and hour and a half. Once the kids get in the car, do I make enough small talk? Am I asking the right questions about their day? I’m not good enough.

Time to help my daughter with her homework, clean again, give baths and cook dinner. Am I providing enough boundries? Am I giving them enough independence? I’m not good enough.

Luckily, this isn’t an every day occurrence. It does happen. I feel like no matter what I do I’m not good enough. I’m not a good enough mom because I sometimes yell/fuss at my kids. I’m not a good enough wife because I’m usually exhausted by the time he comes home and not loving enough. I’m not a good enough aunt because I keep putting off eating lunch.

Some days. Im just not good enough. And I know people will tell me things like get over it. Hey! you cannot tell me how to feel. Ever! Feelings are something personal. You’re not going to feel the exact same way as I do so you can’t tell me how to feel.

So here’s my persinal entry on how sometimes I don’t feel good enough.

Anxiety can be overwhelming

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I know I am safe and I know I am loved. However, it doesn’t always feel that way.

Two years ago, I was in a pretty bad car accident. Some people say it wasn’t so bad because I could walk out of my car. That is after a nice man yanked the door open for me.

I was sitting at a stop light. Minding my own business. Listening to music at a decent volume when I heard this loud bang and everything went crazy. The only thing I could yell at the time was stop.

I wanted it to stop. I wanted to stop. Here I am in my car being shoved into the right side turning lane (which in the end was a blessing) my glasses flew off my head, my milk shake (which I had been craving for all morning…I was about 4 to 6 weeks pregnant at the time) went flying into the windshield. Everything went flying.

This guy was high and I believe the cop said intoxicated…it was 8 am. He hit me and 3 other cars doing 45 mph. Mind you we were all at a stop light. One guy got really lucky and only got side swiped losing a mirror. Another woman and I had to go to the hospital. My car was totaled. The gas tank was ruptured, half of the windows were shattered and my axel was snapped. If that gives you any clue of how bad it was. I still feel pain in my lower back and hips from how I was seated.

Fast forward 2 years and I’ve only been on that road twice. It scares the crap out of me to go back to that intersection. Everytime I drive I am terrified someone isn’t going to stop. That I am going to get hit again and what if it’s worse. Everytime I see a car coming up behind me and it doesn’t look like they’re slowing down I get scared.

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I know to some people this sounds completely irrational. But it’s not. This is real to me. This fear is real to me. There are a ton of other examples of what fears my anxiety has. It’s gotten so bad that I say there me and then there’s the anxious me. We’re both the same person but we’re not. The me part wants to do things. Wants to go places see new people. Then the anxious me says nope and lists off a bunch of reasons why I shouldn’t.

 

There’s a reason my blog isn’t under my real name or why I only share it on certain social media platforms. I have family members who don’t believe me. Who says its all in my head. That I can pray myself different. They don’t undestand and they don’t try to. Its not real to them.

If you have these kinds of people in your life….I’m sorry. I would never cast judgement like that on you. Ever. If you have an experience you’d like to share…please leave me a comment. Its always nice to know you’re not alone. I will reply to every comment. Thank you for listening.