Days that make you

 
Life is hard. It doesn’t matter if you’re a mom, a young mom, a dad. Have mental illness. Or anything else. Life is always going to be hard. not all the time but there are going to be moments in your life that are just harder than others. But those days that are really hard, are the days that make you.

As a mom who had kids at a very young age, first one being born right before I turned 20, and a sufferer of anxiety, life tends to seem harder than not… Or at least the anxiety disorder would make me feel like its extremely hard. You know the saying, make a mountain out of a mole hill. Thats what my brain does. It makes a mountain out of a mole hill. Every single time.

I have a hard time accepting the fact that these are the days that teach me something. And if I look at it as a lesson learned…..then I won’t feel broken as often. The days that seem the hardest are the ones that make us. There are many days that I feel broken. beaten. bruised. just want to give up. don’t want to get out of bed. just want to sleep….

But as a mom…. I have to. I have to remember there are two beautiful amazing kids who depend on me every single moment of the day. Well not actually my 7 year old doesn’t need me as much anymore. She’s wildly independent. But there are moments she still needs me.

For instance, the other day. I just wanted to sit in the corner and cry. Bawl my eyes out and cry. My lawn mower had snapped a belt. And lowe’s didn’t have it. I could order it from Sears….but they were out of stock…. I had finally found on at Tractor Supply and had crawled my fat behind under the lawn mower and changed the belt…..but it still woudn’t start. It wasn’t even turning over. No click nothing. So I went and spent 32 dollars on a new batter thinking maybe the whole mower just wasn’t getting any juice because of the battery. So I go to the store… I live in the country…it takes a good 10 minutes to drive to the big Walmart…. got it put in and guess what…. still wouldn’t start…. UGH… Then I go inside and cannot get on the computer. Can’t watch Netflix or Youtube because my internet is out AGAIN!!! and I can’t seem to get it fixed. It was like everything was crashing at once…

But, instead of losing my cool… I went to the grocery store and bought stuff to make mini Taco Pizza’s for my husbands wrestling class. Like I told one of his buddies…. I was cooking thru my anxiety. It helps. I don’t know the exact words to describe why it helps. I let it go for the day. Let my brain work thru everything. I got the computer back to working and all of that the next day. Later that evening… I went back to work on the mower…. Turns out, one of the spark plugs had blown. And I had fixed that. We got it working…until my husband went to mow the front yard which was really high and something else went wrong. Big white cloud of smoke and mower is down again. But thats another days hassle.

 

There’s reason why there’s the saying ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ even your worst day will make you stronger.

In a mood

 

Sometimes, you’re just in a mood.
The funny thing about mental health that no one really discusses is that, you don’t really need a reason to have episodes.
For instance…. Some days, I can just wake up and be in a ‘mood’.

For no reason at all either.

It is completely strange too. Cause I just don’t feel good enough. I feel worthless. I feel awful. I feel like I am doing nothing good in my life. In my family. That I am a bad person. That I am too fat. Too ugly. That I spend too much. That I don’t bring anything good to the table. And these are just thoughts that are in my head on these awful days. I don’t act on them. I don’t show them to the world. I don’t let them affect my kids. I am great at putting on a brave face and making sure that my kids don’t ever see that side. That they’re not traumatized by it.

Then there are days where I am just…. to put it simple, scared.

I am scared about not being able to provide a great life for my kids. I am scared that my iron is going to get to low. That my anxiety is going to rub off on my kids. That I am just not ever going to be good enough.

Now, I have been writing about things that cause me to be like that…. But there are some days where nothing causes it. that it just happens.

And that is the funny thing about mental illness, there doesn’t have to be any specific event to cause you to just be bleh.

What they don’t tell you

As many of you guys know, I had a major panic attack yesterday over the decision of buying new tires versus used tires. Why? Because new tires are expensive as crap especially for my car. I have an SUV so the tires are bigger and with that cost more. But why not just get used tires? I mean so many people get used tires and are just fine.

Well, you see, I have kids in my car 90% of the time and it would be my luck that I would get a used tire and it would blow and trying to find a used tire around here that matches my car takes DAYS. and I didn’t have days. My tire was on the verge of blowing. There was no tread on it whats so ever. I desperately needed a new tire. So I went and bought new ones.

I thought once I made the final decision, I would be fine. Nope. The wait was over an hour because there was 3 cars ahead of me. So I waited and walked around and couldn’t breathe.

You see, that is something the doctors never tell you about anxiety and panic attacks. Even though you might not be in an active attack….. you will still feel the weight of the elephant on your chest. You will still feel like you can’t get a decent breath. You will still feel like you’re going to pass out. You will still feel like you’re in an attack. Even when the initial attack has passed. After your tears have dried. After it all, it still feels like it’s there.

So, since it was taking so long and I was so bleh from this silly attack (I know it was irrational because it was a need but you couldn’t make me believe it) I decided I couldn’t cook. I just couldn’t deal with having to stand in the kitchen for a minimum of 30 minutes cooking dinner when I felt like I was going to pass out.

So I got take out. Which is find and dandy because I already had a fend for yourself night on the board and decided that we would take that for last night and move everything down a night. But it was on my way home that another attack overwhelmed me to the point that when I got out of my car at home, my legs almost collasped beneath me.

Here’s why. I live in the country. So there are long winding roads to get to my house. It takes me 13 minutes to get to my moms from my house and about 20 minutes to get to the Big Walmart. So I’m on one of the long roads and I’m fine. My car is no longer shaking, the drive is smooth. That is until I look up in my rearview mirror and see this asshat behind me. On my tail end. Swerving.

He almost hit 5 different mail boxes. I just knew he was going to hit my tail end on one side and cause me to swerve. And since I am in an SUV, swerving because someone hit one side of my tail end would possibly cause my car to roll. You see, SUV’s have a higher center of gravity. They’re top heavy because they’re higher off the ground. Sharp turns have a risk of rolling the car. So when I got home, safe, I was still so shaken that I almost collasped. I carried the food in the house. Held my composure giving my kids their dinner and then collasped on my bed. Their daddy was home and he knew what was going on.

Which is why my husband is so flipping amazing. Honestly! I am so flipping lucky to have him. Whenever I need to hide so my kids don’t see the worst of an attack, he steps up. Even though he works 10-12 hours 6 days a week. He still picks up my slack when the ugly little monster wants to rear its ugly head. He is an amazing man even after everything we have been thru. My anxiety is one thing he has NEVER thrown in my face. Ever!

So its the next day… I should be fine right? Nope! oh hell no. That would be too easy right? Yep. you see because of the attack…. well 2 attacks… I could not for the life of me go to bed. At all. I laid awake and my brain….being another entity entirely not of my control, kept replaying everything from the day. And how awful I felt as a human being not being able to bring anything financially into my household. But can spend it in a heart beat. I felt like I was worthless.

So I can’t sleep. I think I finally fell asleep after midnight and woke up this morning at 5 laying at the foot of my bed, when did I move? with the most awful crick in my neck because my pillow was on the floor. and I still felt like I couldn’t breathe. Like I was on the verge of puking.

You see, no doctor I have ever seen about my anxiety has ever warned me that you will feel it the next day. They tell you what a panic attack will feel like, what it might feel when your anxiety decides to grab your mind by the throat and shake it to its core. But what the never tell you is the after effects. They never tell you what to feel when its all over.

And it is different for each person. Hell it is different for each attack. Some attacks… I crash. So flipping hard. I go into an attack fighting to breathe and afterwards I am just so exhausted because an attack is like running a marathon without stopping. So I crawl in bed and sleep. One time I slept for 13 hours straight. I was in high school. My mom was scared because I didn’t budge. I didn’t wake up. I didn’t move. I didn’t get up to pee. Nothing. I was knocked out. Then there are sometimes where I still feel like anxiety’s nasty, ugly monster has its foot firmly placed against my throat so I can’t breathe. Sometimes I feel like I am going to puke. Sometimes I just feel like an idiot for having such an irrational response to something. They never tell you that you’re going to feel the effects even after it has ended.

Boy I wish they could’ve told me what I was going to feel. So I could maybe, just maybe prepare for it.

As always, thank you guys for listening (reading). It is nice to know I can be open and just tell it raw. Not have to sugar coat or protect anyone’s feelings.

Leave a comment and tell me how you feel after an attack. I would love to talk.

All the small things

I know I usually post about what a crap day I’ve had or the anxiety issues I’ve had….

But not right now

Nope

This is one of those small victories.

You know the kind that make you feel good

That brighten your day

Ok

So

I had a crap day yesterday. We rescued a dog and thought it was going to be a great fit. He’s cute. He’s calm. He’s house trained. But he always seemed to be jealous of our toddler. He took food from her. He kind of growled at her when she was eating. Easy fix right? You can train a dog to not do that or at least put him up when it’s time for us to eat.

All of the jealousy I could handle.

I could deal with it.

What I couldn’t deal with is him trying to bite my toddler when all she was doing was watching tv on the floor. Not near him. Not bothering him. I somehow managed to get a hold of him before he could bite her and it sent my anxiety thru the roof. I started shaking and sobbing once I had put him up. Like how did I get there in time? What if I hadn’t? Like I said crap day.

So I had to go to the store anyway to buy supplies for my older daughters project and seen that there was a clearance on clothes. Because of course in the middle of February they bring out spring crap.

Uhm…..its still cold.

So I bought pants in my anxiety mess because idk. Honestly i. Don’t. Know

So this morning I take a shower and decide I’m going to wear one of the new pants that I had gotten only to realize I had bought a size smaller than I normally get.

And they fit.

Now any other mom out there knows that after your second kid…its a miracle if you can get back to your pre kid weight.

And since the wreck….exercising is difficult…

If I do too much…im in pain for days. So I really have to be careful and listen to my body.

Which means I’m fat.

According to the weight charts in all the doctors offices i am obese.

Its depressing to even think about.

But it’s the truth.

But I’m not going to let that stop my win for today. I fit in a smaller size than I’ve been wearing. Yeah I still have 4 sizes to go to be back to my high school weight but hey….this is my victory.

And it is the small things that matter. That can mean the most. As Brandon Lee in the crow said:

“The little things use to mean so much to Shelley. I use to think they were kind of trivial. Believe me nothing is trivial”

Here’s the link to that quote in the movie nothing is trivial

I should have stayed in bed

So yesterday was not a good day. Like at all. And I only have myself to blame. which I shouldn’t right? I mean bad days happen. It’s apart of life. But my anxiety makes me think that I did everything wrong. That everything is my fault.

So I woke up with the crud. Yeah. It is going around pretty bad and I thought that maybe, just maybe I would be exempt from it. But nope. It hit me full force yesterday. And I really should have seen it coming. I mean the baby has a cold and the older one had strep last week. So it was inevitable that it would hit me. Thankfully it’s just a head cold and not strep. Since I catch strep so easily.

So instead of sleeping in, my body decided it needed to get up at 6 AM on a Sunday. Thank you body. Instead of cooking breakfast, which honestly would have been the cheaper route, I decided hey I wanna go out and get Hardees. It rained all day Sunday. All flipping day. It is winter still. The stupid groundhog saw or didn’t see his shadow so we’re stuck with six more weeks of winter and we have freezing rain. So much rain that we have huge puddles in the middle of the road.

So I am driving and I feel like my breath stinks. I grab a piece of gum, eyes never leaving the road because I knew I had a stick of gum in my cup holder within reach. We live like 20 mins away from Hardees in the country. So I get tired of the gum and decide to throw it out. I roll the window down and this car is coming straight towards me.

And they hit a puddle.

When my window is down.

So I get hit with the biggest splash of freezing cold rain water thru my window and all over my windshield that I have lost sight of the road.

Thankfully that it was only me and the other car on that road at the time.

I should have taken this as an omen to go back home and stay in bed.

Really I should have just stayed in bed.

So I bring home the food and we eat. I decide I am going to be lazy and eat in my lovely warm and cozy bed because I feel like crap. After we all get done eating I decide to lay down and watch TV. That’s when I hear my husband up and cleaning.

So I feel guilty. Because as a stay at home mom I feel like it is my job to clean and cook and take care of the kids while my husband works a very hard warehouse job. So when he is on his only day off and he’s cleaning, I feel like I have failed at my only job. I feel like crap. Not just because I am sick but because my husband, who is a hardworking man should be able to relax on his day off and instead he is cleaning.

Now I know that he’s doing this so that I can relax, so that I can take a sick day. But that’s not how my mind works. I felt guilty that he’s doing so much when he should be able to kick back, relax and play his video games. I felt bad. So, even though I am coughing my head off and sick, I get up to clean. We have had sickness in our home. So I felt this would be the opportune moment to deep clean the house. Which means steaming all the non carpet floors and using the carpet cleaner on the rugs.

I lent my carpet cleaner out a few months ago to my brother. But he never used it. So it just sat in their spare room for months. So it should have been fine right? Nope! I go into our daughters room with all intentions of deep cleaning and disinfecting. I pull the trigger that sprays the cleaning solution on the floor. I let go of the trigger and pull the machine backwards to find.

It wasn’t sucking the liquid up.

At all.

Nothing.

So now I have his awfully big wet floor and no way to get the liquid up. I am livid. I should have stayed in bed.

But we have had that thing for over 4 years. It has been thru everything. My oldest potty training and having accidents. Many puke incidents. My youngest diaper explosions. Our old dogs accidents (she was a very old dog and she passed away a year ago) It has cleaned up spills and splats. It deep cleaned when the flu hit. I mean this thing was used. but I wasn’t thinking that rationally yesterday. Nope.

But I didn’t cry.

I fussed about it not working. For a good 20 minutes.

Then, I get my shoes on and my hoodie and head out the door. To get a new cleaner.

Yay, more money spent.

I am not a fan of spending money. I always feel guilty every time I spend money. Because I am not working. I am maintaining a house and a busy schedule, all the bills, all the cooking. Everything that doesn’t include my husband’s job.

The store was fine. I mean other than spending money. Everything else was fine. I can deal with people who think the whole aisle belongs to them when they stop to talk to the person they see every single day like its the first time that they have seen them in 10 years.

I come home and clean my floors. Oh my gawd. I thought that these floors were clean. They looked clean. But that is the thing about carpets. They can look clean but deep down they are dirty. way dirty. See I just moved into this house almost a month ago and because of everything hitting at once, we by passed cleaning the floors. I mean they’re almost white floors like an off white and you would be able to see dirt right? But the cleaner really got the dirt and grime out of it. Could have been from when we moved in since we were in and out a lot.

Next was steam cleaning the floors in the kitchen, laundry room and bathrooms.  That wouldn’t have been so bad if my toddler didn’t decide this was the time she was going to be underneath my foot steps every second. It always seems that around nap time she decides to be the biggest thorn in my side. But still it was fine.

My oldest had spent the night at my moms. So I had to get her yesterday so she could get ready for school. But because it took 3 hours for my husband to get an oil change ( I did not want to take my toddler out in the crummy weather because of her cold) I didn’t get my oldest when I wanted to. Instead, I got her later. I was annoyed because he didn’t text. Because when he says he’s on his way and its an hour later and I haven’t heard from him. I worry. I stress. I freak out. I should have just stayed in bed.

We get back home and pick out the clothes for the week. Yes I am that kind of parent. We pick out the school clothes and have them in a storage tub that has 5 drawers every Sunday. It is almost 6 pm. We are usually eating by now. So I am feeling crummy that dinner is not on the table. That I am just now cooking.

It’s now 7 pm and dinner is not done. It is not cooking right. I didn’t do something right. It just isn’t doing what it is supposed to. Now it is 8pm and dinner still isn’t done. My oldest bed time is 9 pm and she hasn’t had dinner and hasn’t had a bath and dinner isn’t done.

The top is starting to burn and the underneath is still gooey. I feel like a failure. I am so anxious and depressed that I, for one day, am not living up to my job. Living up to my promise. Living up to the standard that I set for myself every single day. I should have stayed in bed.

In an anxious, depressed, pissed state I take the dinner out and plop it on the stove. Pissed that its not done. Pissed that I just wasted food. Wasted money. Wasted time. And tell my husband to fix the kids whatever they want for dinner. That I am going to bed. I was upset.

I should have stayed in bed.

And this morning. I wake up and feel this massive amount of guilt. All over. I was the worst me yesterday and I feel like crap. Maybe if I had just stayed in bed and let my husband be the hero things wouldn’t have fallen apart. I wouldn’t feel this guilty. I wouldn’t be in this mood. But no. I felt guilty that he was doing my job and got up when I should have just stayed in bed.

 

Thank you for allowing me to share my story. This is me. In a vulnerable state.

Life is tough

One thing they never tell you as a kid is that life is tough….well unless you have a tough childhood.

 

You see….my childhood wasn’t completely bad…honestly. I did experience abuse…starting from my dad when I was a baby and leading til my older brother stopped living with us…. Well I mean if you look at it now…certain people still try to use mental and emotional abuse against me… what they don’t realize is….I came out on the other side. I am stronger now… I don’t get suckered to easily… but I’m not completely healed. Sometimes I do get suckered.

Growing up with just my mom…. things were tight financially…pretty much all the time. There were many years where we didn’t celebrate Christmas, instead we got our gifts at Tax time. But even though we did have a tough time when I was little… I still think my mom is one of the strongest person I know.

Not everyone started their life in a tough manner. But as most kids become adults, they learn life is tough. Having a mental illness only makes life even harder. But although life is tough, you are tougher.

There is nothing easy about waking up every single day to fight the same demons that kept you up all night. Never let anyone tell you that your mental illness makes you weak. You are tough. You are strong. You are a fighter. I am a fighter. WE are fighters. Life might be tough, but so are we.

Lets break the stigma.

Finding the calm

Anxiety can make normal things seem that much more chaotic.  Sometimes life feels like a never ending chaos. Personally, I feel like I never sit down. Well I mean I do sit down but it feel like there is a never ending list of things to do.

It’s funny actually because I am a stay at home mom. The automatic assumption of stay at home moms is that we are completely lazy.  For example, I’ve had a conversation where I’ve said I’m exhausted and they said what do you do to be exhausted. In a condescending manner. Since I was already exhausted and I tend to get cranky when I’m exhausted…. I kind of went off.

So….when life with anxiety feels so chaotic, you need to find what calms you. For me….its music. Music has always been a great tool in dealing with my anxiety. I use music to fill the silence…to motivate me….to express myself. I listen to music when I am cleaning. I listen to music when I am happy. I listen to music when I am sad. I listen to music when I just don’t know how I feel. A day doesn’t go by where I don’t I don’t listen to some type of music. My car holds 6 CD’s so I am always listening to something.

 

Life is full of surprises….its about finding the calm in the chaos. What makes you calm?