Remember about you

One thing that I hate from my anxiety is that I am constantly worrying and afraid about death. Not just my own death but others around me like my mom. I am completely afraid of losing my mom. I know she’s in her 60’s and it just terrifies me and I am completely afraid of how will I go on when that time comes. But I also worry about my death. Especially since the doctors thought that I might have had cancer when I was pregnant with my youngest. I kept telling them that I had a sinus infection and I was consuming dairy even though I have a small allergy to said dairy products. But they didn’t think that was the cause of my white blood cell count being high and for two months they had me scared that I had had cancer and that thought made me afraid of dying. of leaving my kids alone with their dad who would not be completely capable of raising two girls on his own because he doesn’t know everything about girls being an only child himself it would be hard for him. And I think that fear of dying has caused me to keep two journals for my girls kind of retelling their life from now. And how I feel about them and how I love watching the grow and everything. So that if anything ever did happen to me….they would have the memories in these books.

So, what would I want everyone to remember about me? That I did everything I could for my friends and family. That I was there for everyone that I could have. That I gave everything my all. That I was willing to step out of my comfort zone for the ones I loved. That I tried.

Honestly, that is all I want people to remember is that I tried. I gave myself to everything that I could. That I tried my hardest at everything I set my heart on. That I wasn’t a quitter. That I never let the anxiety control my entire life. That I constantly tried to make sure that I could attempt anything even with my anxiety being the evil little devil it always has been.

What do you want to be remembered about.

My goals

Having anxiety, or at least for me, it makes me think ahead and overthink every single thing. For instance… I typically meal plan for a month at a time. I will know what I am going to cook tomorrow and next thursday because I plan out dinners and make out a list and buy everything that is needed for those dinners at one time. I know… It is a little crazy.

So with that being said….. I like to list out my goals, my bills…upcoming events… pretty much everything. I have liss for pretty much everything. I know how much my bills are this month….next month.. how much money is going towards bills out of the next paycheck.

So what are my goals….long term…short term.

Short term goals is always to make sure all of the bills get paid. I grew up with a single mom…sometimes she didn’t have the money to pay every single bill every single month so sometimes we didn’t have water or we didn’t have lights or we went without food. It is not something that I want my kids to ever experience. It was a rough time.

My long term goals…those are a little more complex and they don’t just include me. I want my crafting business to get up and running to the point that it is making me a stable income. I also want to get my sewing better. To the point that I can make wrestling gear into a viable income. I also want to get my photography skills in tip top shape to the point that I am hired to shoot wrestling events as well as promotional shots. I want to get my husbands wrestling career up and running. I want to do whatever I can and whatever it takes to ensure that he can focus on wrestling. If I could turn all of my hobbies and talents to income then maybe he wouldn’t have to work 60 hours a week and could in turn start training more than 2 days a week. I want to help my mom lose weight and get her arthritis and degenerating joints and disks under control so that she can be more active and her movement will be less painful.

I know things don’t happen over night….although I wish they were. I do however believe that if I work so very hard at it….I can make them a reality.

Calmer

As someone who suffers from severe anxiety disorder to the point that meeting my husband’s training group had me hiding in the bathroom battling tears…. How can I be a calmer person?

I feel that being a calmer person will help me greatly with my anxiety issues. But how can I be calmer?

I have read countless articles and posts and blogs on how to beat anxiety. Countless of tips and tricks on how to pull you out of an anxiety attack. And I am here to say, they may work for some people. However, they don’t always work for me. My band instructor tried to teach me a breathing technique….it doesn’t always help. When I got into a car accident and I was hyperventilating…the EMT told me I was having a panic attack (duh) And that I needed to calm my breathing down. It didn’t matter that I knew my body and knew that if I tried to breathe like they wanted me too my heart rate and BP would go up as well as I would get light headed. But because they were the EMT and thought they knew my body and my disease better than me…

I did what they said.

And just how I predicted…. My heart rate went from 92 to 120 and my BP started rising fast. Finally, they told me I could go back to doing what I was doing. I think it is a coping mechanism until my brain can wrap around what had happened. So that I can process things. It is crazy, I know.

Unfortunately….. my anxiety is something I deal with on a daily basis…little things trigger my brain into an instant race car speed crash heading for a big boom that takes so much energy out of me that all I want to do is sleep, in all honestly, I have crashed from anxiety before for 13 hours of straight sleep because my body was just so exhausted from the constant thinking of crud. For instance, a friend said something and I knew he didn’t mean it the way that I took it…but my brain is a funny thing and took it completely the wrong way to the point that I took a steam shower and cried…. it was awful.

So how can I be a calmer person? That is a question that is constantly on my mind. I think that reminding myself that it might not be as bad as I thought could help. I think maybe taking a few seconds to pour the positives on all the situations will help me. For instance, with the friend example I just posted…I could have told myself -he appreciated your help – he said thank you -he said I didn’t need to but he was happy to have me offering….. For my car wreck…..even though my car was totaled and I was in pain…-I walked out of it.. -I was alive…-nothing was broken….-my unborn child (i was newly pregnant during the wreck) was fine. -I was going to be able to replace the car. -both of my brothers stopped everything they were doing and focused on me that day. -they put aside their hate for eachother to check on me. -cars can be replaced.

So to be a calmer person…. I think I need to remind myself of all of the positives that are in a situation. … Your bank account is only showing 3 dollars and you got 4 days til payday…at least your bills are paid. you lost the job that you’ve worked for years…..gives you the motivation to find something else you’re passionate about. Another door opens.

There is so much positive in this world that we sometimes allow the dark clouds to hinder the rainbow. Because as the wonderful Brandon Lee said in the movie The Crow…..”It can’t rain all the time.”

People don’t need to understand

Life is hard. For everyone. We all have stories. We all have backgrounds. We all have been thru things. We all tend to over share our stories sometimes. Especially if you’re like me. When my anxiety is on high during social situations… I tend to just talk and talk and talk. I also tend to talk about the things that I have been thru and explaining things that have happened to me. I have been told recently that I actually need to stop doing that because not everyone respects the person that I am or the things that I have been thru.

I usually get anxious, nervous and fidgety in social interactions around people that I either don’t know or am not comfortable with. Then after I leave the situation… my mind continues to over think and over analyze everything that I either aid or did. Then I feel like shit for the rest of the night….and possibly the next day as well. It is a big issue that I am slowly working on fixing. Things aren’t usually as bad as long as I have my husband right by my side. He is my rock. He is my calm. He grounds me in the storm that is anxiety disorder.

My husband is extremely understanding. He is extremely caring and gentle as well as loving. He is an amazing human being. However, not everyone is as understanding. The minute you explain your weakness there will be people out there that will hold that weakness against you. They will use your story, your emotional issues to ruin your life. To hold it over you. There are some people that like to know your deepest darkest secrets to make sure that you will not or cannot be better than them. They will use anything against you.

Sometimes, people don’t need to understand your journey. Your past, present and what you are working on…. that for you. It is not for them. The one thing that I have learned over the years…. is that you have to be extremely careful who you tell your journey to. Not everyone who smiles at you is your friend. Sometimes those who listen the most have the biggest mouths….the worst intentions to use against you. Your journey is for you. As long as you understand it, then that is what is best.

I thought I had a friend once. Well they were my husband’s friends. But I thought they were my friends too. They smiled so nicely in my face. They said all the right things. They were nice when I was around. They got me good too. I fell for their trap. So I opened up. I talked about my journey. I talked about what I had been thru. I talked about what arguments we had. I exposed the weakness in my husband and I fairly new relationship. So much so….that they used these weakness to break up my relationship with my then boyfriend and kept us apart for half a year until my husband came to the realization of the toxicity that they held deep inside them.

You see that is the thing. Some people are toxic. Some people are only looking for the worst in you so that they can use it against you. They want to use your journey to keep you down. To make sure that you are always beneath them. There is something that is often said on Facebook…. Make your moves in private. That way no one can make their intentions known. We bought a house almost a year ago and we didn’t tell anyone other than immediate family about it before we did it. Heck I didn’t post anything about it til we were in our happy home for a month.

There are somethings people don’t need to understand. Some things they don’t need to know. Your journey is yours. And it is just alright that no one but you understands it.

Respect

There is a lot of debate that this generation of parents is raising a generation of snowflakes…. There are actually a lot of debates about what we should and shouldn’t do as parents. Like spankings are too rough for our kids. I believe in popping a child on the behind if the action warrants it. In our house…that is the LAST resort. There are many other punishments that our kids have to go thru before they get to the spanking portions. Actually, I think I have only popped our oldest once on the behind and that was for pushing her baby sister off the bed.

However, one thing that lacks in our society is respect. Now I believe that my kids should listen to and respect me as their parent. That I will always do what is best for them and to follow the rules that have been set. However, I also believe in showing my girls respect. If they don’t want to hug their uncle, they don’t have to. I am not going to demand that they hug someone that they don’t want to. I also believe in talking to the kids. It is showing respect in the simpliest ways. Instead of just yelling and that being the final word. I show my girls respect by having conversations with them so that they fully understand what is going on and why they are in trouble. (if they have done something) This is a time that I either call a ‘come to Jesus talk’ or Understanding time.

I have seen way too many parents yell or discipline their child with that child not understanding what they had done wrong. Kids are in school Monday thru Friday for hours a week. They are learning new behaviors and things from their friends and other kids that are around them. These behaviors may not be okay in your household. However, punishing without explaining why it is wrong is really hard for the kid to understand why it is not okay to not do that.

Now this is in no way of saying let your kid run their own life from the get go. Oh HECK NO. I believe in parenting. I believe in old school parenting. But I also believe in talking with your child. It is a simple respect thing. You show your kid enough respect to talk to them about what is going on in the house…then they’ll show you that much more respect because you are seeing them as a human being rather than just your child. your possession. They will also be more willing to come talk to you about some of their own issues. By showing your kids a little bit of respect, you’re opening an environment where they can feel comfortable with you. My mom did this with us all the time. She was a single mother taking care of three kids. Sometimes her check couldn’t cover every single bill and feed three growing kids. So she would sit us down and explain that her check was going to be short and that she wasn’t going to be able to cover this bill or that bill and it would usually be right before the next payday that it was due. Like this one time the water bill was due 2 days before her next check and we had already gotten an extension because bill just racked up being a single mom in a state where she had no family and the water was about to be cut off unless she paid the bill in full. So she sat us down and asked what we thought about the situation. She could either pay the bill or buy groceries. We chose food. We only went 2 days without running water. But we had planned ahead and filled up jugs so that we still had water. But it was things like that that made me respect my mom even more. She didn’t have it easy considering her entire family was on the other side of the US. She was literately doing this by herself. I still hold that respect for my mom and try to do anything I can for her.

Respect….it is a two way street.

you want your kid to respect other kids and other adults…. They learn that behavior at home. From their parents.

My baby forever

I think one of the hardest thing as a parent is the struggle of wanting my kids to be my baby forever but also being extremely excited about all the amazing things that they’ll do in this life.

My oldest is 7 years old. She is extremely smart. Since she’s only in elementary school….in the 2nd grade…..they’re on a number system for their report card. The actual alphabet grading system doesn’t start til 3rd or 4th grade actually. She’s has had all 3’s pretty much every report card since kindergarten. She is brilliant. I mean there isn’t a homework assignment that she has gotten that she hasn’t crushed. She makes us super proud. Our youngest….she’s a dare devil. I mean there isn’t anything she won’t try. She loves being flipped around. Jumping on the trampoline. Just fearless.

As I sit back and watch them grow, I find myself torn…. A LOT. There are times where I am so excited to see what they’re going to be doing. Who they’re going to grow into as adults. What they’re going to do with their life. Etc. I mean as all parents think, I believe my kids are going to be SUPERSTARS. (In all reality, I think my youngest is going to follow her daddy’s footsteps and step into the squared circle. She’ll be a high flying superstar ready to kick some ass) Then there are times where I just hug them and want them to be baby’s for the rest of their life. I have actually told my oldest on numerous occasions (because she likes to remind me she’s growing up) that no matter how old she gets…..she will always be my baby.

And that is the truth for almost all parents. We cannot keep our babies small in our arms. There are only so many years where they need us to carry them, hold them… But they will always remain babies in our hearts. They are going to grow up. And it isn’t something that us, as parents, are ever truly ready to comprehend. However, they will always be our special baby in our heart and mind. No matter how old or how far they go. But for now…. I’m going to enjoy them in their youth.

Work on yourself

 

Your life will only get better when you do. That’s not saying that you’re going to completely be better. Like with my anxiety disorder. It is always going to be something that I am going to fight. I just have to keep learning, growing and devloping new ways to fight my disease. When I work on myself….the rest will follow. Life will get better only if I get better.

When you’re injured…. you’re not going to get better if you keep doing what you were doing. For instance, when I was in 6th grade…. I fractured my ankle falling down stairs. I was also a bus rider at the time and had to walk a good distance to get to the bus station. I had to wear a brace and walk on crutches with a book bag full of books and my instrument as I was in band. After the first day of going to the bus stop going thru school….getting back on the bus then walking back home… my ankle was more swollen than ever….

I mean it was three times the size. It was awful. So in order for my ankle to heal… I stayed home for 2 weeks. with my leg elevated. My school work for the 2 week were brought to me by my older brother and I didn’t fall behind. But if I had tried to continue putting so much strain on my ankle…. they would be worst than what they are now…. I injured both ankles about 2 years apart. They still act up and hurt. They swell and let me know when I need to pause…put them up and take care of myself.

If I try to continue on a swollen fractured ankle….then everything would be hard and bad. I had to take the time for me. I had to fix myself. Then everything else followed. Once my ankle got better, I got better, life got better. Once I took the time to chill out, relax and heal… I learned how to walk better. I learned how to watch where I was stepping.
Life is the same way. You have to take care of yourself before life gets better. If you keep going while you’re having a bad moment in life….life is going to reflect that. You have to take care of yourself first. Everything else will follow.

Days that make you

 
Life is hard. It doesn’t matter if you’re a mom, a young mom, a dad. Have mental illness. Or anything else. Life is always going to be hard. not all the time but there are going to be moments in your life that are just harder than others. But those days that are really hard, are the days that make you.

As a mom who had kids at a very young age, first one being born right before I turned 20, and a sufferer of anxiety, life tends to seem harder than not… Or at least the anxiety disorder would make me feel like its extremely hard. You know the saying, make a mountain out of a mole hill. Thats what my brain does. It makes a mountain out of a mole hill. Every single time.

I have a hard time accepting the fact that these are the days that teach me something. And if I look at it as a lesson learned…..then I won’t feel broken as often. The days that seem the hardest are the ones that make us. There are many days that I feel broken. beaten. bruised. just want to give up. don’t want to get out of bed. just want to sleep….

But as a mom…. I have to. I have to remember there are two beautiful amazing kids who depend on me every single moment of the day. Well not actually my 7 year old doesn’t need me as much anymore. She’s wildly independent. But there are moments she still needs me.

For instance, the other day. I just wanted to sit in the corner and cry. Bawl my eyes out and cry. My lawn mower had snapped a belt. And lowe’s didn’t have it. I could order it from Sears….but they were out of stock…. I had finally found on at Tractor Supply and had crawled my fat behind under the lawn mower and changed the belt…..but it still woudn’t start. It wasn’t even turning over. No click nothing. So I went and spent 32 dollars on a new batter thinking maybe the whole mower just wasn’t getting any juice because of the battery. So I go to the store… I live in the country…it takes a good 10 minutes to drive to the big Walmart…. got it put in and guess what…. still wouldn’t start…. UGH… Then I go inside and cannot get on the computer. Can’t watch Netflix or Youtube because my internet is out AGAIN!!! and I can’t seem to get it fixed. It was like everything was crashing at once…

But, instead of losing my cool… I went to the grocery store and bought stuff to make mini Taco Pizza’s for my husbands wrestling class. Like I told one of his buddies…. I was cooking thru my anxiety. It helps. I don’t know the exact words to describe why it helps. I let it go for the day. Let my brain work thru everything. I got the computer back to working and all of that the next day. Later that evening… I went back to work on the mower…. Turns out, one of the spark plugs had blown. And I had fixed that. We got it working…until my husband went to mow the front yard which was really high and something else went wrong. Big white cloud of smoke and mower is down again. But thats another days hassle.

 

There’s reason why there’s the saying ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ even your worst day will make you stronger.

In a mood

 

Sometimes, you’re just in a mood.
The funny thing about mental health that no one really discusses is that, you don’t really need a reason to have episodes.
For instance…. Some days, I can just wake up and be in a ‘mood’.

For no reason at all either.

It is completely strange too. Cause I just don’t feel good enough. I feel worthless. I feel awful. I feel like I am doing nothing good in my life. In my family. That I am a bad person. That I am too fat. Too ugly. That I spend too much. That I don’t bring anything good to the table. And these are just thoughts that are in my head on these awful days. I don’t act on them. I don’t show them to the world. I don’t let them affect my kids. I am great at putting on a brave face and making sure that my kids don’t ever see that side. That they’re not traumatized by it.

Then there are days where I am just…. to put it simple, scared.

I am scared about not being able to provide a great life for my kids. I am scared that my iron is going to get to low. That my anxiety is going to rub off on my kids. That I am just not ever going to be good enough.

Now, I have been writing about things that cause me to be like that…. But there are some days where nothing causes it. that it just happens.

And that is the funny thing about mental illness, there doesn’t have to be any specific event to cause you to just be bleh.

What they don’t tell you

As many of you guys know, I had a major panic attack yesterday over the decision of buying new tires versus used tires. Why? Because new tires are expensive as crap especially for my car. I have an SUV so the tires are bigger and with that cost more. But why not just get used tires? I mean so many people get used tires and are just fine.

Well, you see, I have kids in my car 90% of the time and it would be my luck that I would get a used tire and it would blow and trying to find a used tire around here that matches my car takes DAYS. and I didn’t have days. My tire was on the verge of blowing. There was no tread on it whats so ever. I desperately needed a new tire. So I went and bought new ones.

I thought once I made the final decision, I would be fine. Nope. The wait was over an hour because there was 3 cars ahead of me. So I waited and walked around and couldn’t breathe.

You see, that is something the doctors never tell you about anxiety and panic attacks. Even though you might not be in an active attack….. you will still feel the weight of the elephant on your chest. You will still feel like you can’t get a decent breath. You will still feel like you’re going to pass out. You will still feel like you’re in an attack. Even when the initial attack has passed. After your tears have dried. After it all, it still feels like it’s there.

So, since it was taking so long and I was so bleh from this silly attack (I know it was irrational because it was a need but you couldn’t make me believe it) I decided I couldn’t cook. I just couldn’t deal with having to stand in the kitchen for a minimum of 30 minutes cooking dinner when I felt like I was going to pass out.

So I got take out. Which is find and dandy because I already had a fend for yourself night on the board and decided that we would take that for last night and move everything down a night. But it was on my way home that another attack overwhelmed me to the point that when I got out of my car at home, my legs almost collasped beneath me.

Here’s why. I live in the country. So there are long winding roads to get to my house. It takes me 13 minutes to get to my moms from my house and about 20 minutes to get to the Big Walmart. So I’m on one of the long roads and I’m fine. My car is no longer shaking, the drive is smooth. That is until I look up in my rearview mirror and see this asshat behind me. On my tail end. Swerving.

He almost hit 5 different mail boxes. I just knew he was going to hit my tail end on one side and cause me to swerve. And since I am in an SUV, swerving because someone hit one side of my tail end would possibly cause my car to roll. You see, SUV’s have a higher center of gravity. They’re top heavy because they’re higher off the ground. Sharp turns have a risk of rolling the car. So when I got home, safe, I was still so shaken that I almost collasped. I carried the food in the house. Held my composure giving my kids their dinner and then collasped on my bed. Their daddy was home and he knew what was going on.

Which is why my husband is so flipping amazing. Honestly! I am so flipping lucky to have him. Whenever I need to hide so my kids don’t see the worst of an attack, he steps up. Even though he works 10-12 hours 6 days a week. He still picks up my slack when the ugly little monster wants to rear its ugly head. He is an amazing man even after everything we have been thru. My anxiety is one thing he has NEVER thrown in my face. Ever!

So its the next day… I should be fine right? Nope! oh hell no. That would be too easy right? Yep. you see because of the attack…. well 2 attacks… I could not for the life of me go to bed. At all. I laid awake and my brain….being another entity entirely not of my control, kept replaying everything from the day. And how awful I felt as a human being not being able to bring anything financially into my household. But can spend it in a heart beat. I felt like I was worthless.

So I can’t sleep. I think I finally fell asleep after midnight and woke up this morning at 5 laying at the foot of my bed, when did I move? with the most awful crick in my neck because my pillow was on the floor. and I still felt like I couldn’t breathe. Like I was on the verge of puking.

You see, no doctor I have ever seen about my anxiety has ever warned me that you will feel it the next day. They tell you what a panic attack will feel like, what it might feel when your anxiety decides to grab your mind by the throat and shake it to its core. But what the never tell you is the after effects. They never tell you what to feel when its all over.

And it is different for each person. Hell it is different for each attack. Some attacks… I crash. So flipping hard. I go into an attack fighting to breathe and afterwards I am just so exhausted because an attack is like running a marathon without stopping. So I crawl in bed and sleep. One time I slept for 13 hours straight. I was in high school. My mom was scared because I didn’t budge. I didn’t wake up. I didn’t move. I didn’t get up to pee. Nothing. I was knocked out. Then there are sometimes where I still feel like anxiety’s nasty, ugly monster has its foot firmly placed against my throat so I can’t breathe. Sometimes I feel like I am going to puke. Sometimes I just feel like an idiot for having such an irrational response to something. They never tell you that you’re going to feel the effects even after it has ended.

Boy I wish they could’ve told me what I was going to feel. So I could maybe, just maybe prepare for it.

As always, thank you guys for listening (reading). It is nice to know I can be open and just tell it raw. Not have to sugar coat or protect anyone’s feelings.

Leave a comment and tell me how you feel after an attack. I would love to talk.