People don’t need to understand

Life is hard. For everyone. We all have stories. We all have backgrounds. We all have been thru things. We all tend to over share our stories sometimes. Especially if you’re like me. When my anxiety is on high during social situations… I tend to just talk and talk and talk. I also tend to talk about the things that I have been thru and explaining things that have happened to me. I have been told recently that I actually need to stop doing that because not everyone respects the person that I am or the things that I have been thru.

I usually get anxious, nervous and fidgety in social interactions around people that I either don’t know or am not comfortable with. Then after I leave the situation… my mind continues to over think and over analyze everything that I either aid or did. Then I feel like shit for the rest of the night….and possibly the next day as well. It is a big issue that I am slowly working on fixing. Things aren’t usually as bad as long as I have my husband right by my side. He is my rock. He is my calm. He grounds me in the storm that is anxiety disorder.

My husband is extremely understanding. He is extremely caring and gentle as well as loving. He is an amazing human being. However, not everyone is as understanding. The minute you explain your weakness there will be people out there that will hold that weakness against you. They will use your story, your emotional issues to ruin your life. To hold it over you. There are some people that like to know your deepest darkest secrets to make sure that you will not or cannot be better than them. They will use anything against you.

Sometimes, people don’t need to understand your journey. Your past, present and what you are working on…. that for you. It is not for them. The one thing that I have learned over the years…. is that you have to be extremely careful who you tell your journey to. Not everyone who smiles at you is your friend. Sometimes those who listen the most have the biggest mouths….the worst intentions to use against you. Your journey is for you. As long as you understand it, then that is what is best.

I thought I had a friend once. Well they were my husband’s friends. But I thought they were my friends too. They smiled so nicely in my face. They said all the right things. They were nice when I was around. They got me good too. I fell for their trap. So I opened up. I talked about my journey. I talked about what I had been thru. I talked about what arguments we had. I exposed the weakness in my husband and I fairly new relationship. So much so….that they used these weakness to break up my relationship with my then boyfriend and kept us apart for half a year until my husband came to the realization of the toxicity that they held deep inside them.

You see that is the thing. Some people are toxic. Some people are only looking for the worst in you so that they can use it against you. They want to use your journey to keep you down. To make sure that you are always beneath them. There is something that is often said on Facebook…. Make your moves in private. That way no one can make their intentions known. We bought a house almost a year ago and we didn’t tell anyone other than immediate family about it before we did it. Heck I didn’t post anything about it til we were in our happy home for a month.

There are somethings people don’t need to understand. Some things they don’t need to know. Your journey is yours. And it is just alright that no one but you understands it.

Day 8

 

Okay so I thought this squat challenge was going to be a good thing. I thought it was going to be fun. The video didn’t show exactly how much you feel it in your thighs.

And trying to find time to fit in 100 squats every single day when you’re running around like a chicken with your head cut off…. Is not very easy.

I am actually getting anxiety from needing to get all of the squats in.

But then I did the string test. As I said the other day. I cut strings to meet ends exactly around my thighs and around my behind.

So below you will see the end of the string. and then you’ll see the red mark which is where the other end of the string meets. It is progress. My thighs are showing more progress than my butt. However, it is still a small victory for me so I’ll take it.

 

 

 

Forward is Forward

One thing that drives me insane personally is when I feel like I am not recovering or progressing fast enough. And the problem with that is I feel like the more I stress about not going anywhere fast enough, the farther behind I fall.

(And I know I have posted about your recovery and your speed many times before. but I do feel like it is something worth mentioning over and over. Because we need that reminder. I need that reminder)

There is a song by Bone Thugs N Harmony ft Akon (i believer) called I tried. I remember being in 9th grade and being obsessed with this song. It says, ’10 steps forward and 5 steps back’ This single line….sums up my thoughts on my anxiety journey. Just when I think I am getting somewhere… I fall further back.

I hope I am not the only one who has felt that way. Or the only one who experiences that. If I am….that kind of stresses me out more. But if I’m not, hey guys 🙂

One thing that I am actively trying to understand and practice is…your speed doesn’t matter. How fast it takes you to get a hold on your illness isn’t relevant. Even though I wish here was a fast forward button on recovery, there isn’t. Forward is forward. Anxiety isn’t something you out grow. Its not something that goes away. It is a life long journey learning how to control it.

The more you (or me) stress over how fast we are moving forward, the farther behind we go. Your speed doesnt matter. Forward is forward. However, it is ok if you fall back a few steps. As long as you get right back up, dust yourself off and try again. This is a journey. It is your journey. It is my journey. And I am glad you all are here with me