Things you love

 

When you suffer from anxiety, you tend to only think about the bad. Things that could happen. You’re constantly worrying and afraid. It is quite awful. However, in an attempt to keep up my journal posts to encourage each other on our individual journeys with mental illness and my own personal attempt at breaking the stigma.

So this journal entry is 10 things I love… today I am choosing my mom.

1.) She is the strongest woman I know

My dad was an abusive alcoholic. Now my mom says that the relationship wasn’t always that way but the more he drank the more abusive he was. It got worse when he stopped being able to find a job. She just took the abuse, grinned and beared it and kept on. But then he started being mean to my brothers. That is when she started standing up against him, which made the abuse to her worse. The final straw, I was born. Being a girl, she was worried his abuse towards me would be far worse than the boys.  So when I was about 1 or 2….she left. She got custody of us and she left his abuse. You do not know how strong a person is to leave a controlling abusive relationship. She willingly left with all 3 kids to be a single mom. It was never easy. My brothers are a handful.

2.) Her love for my kids

I know all grandparents love their grandkids but my mom seriously loves my kids. She spoils them to death. More than her other grandkids. She will come over at 6 am on Christmas morning when its 12 degrees outside to watch the girls open their gifts. She goes to every single function for my oldest daughter. She would spend the last dollar of her disability on the girls. She allows my oldest to stay the weekend almost every weekend. And I allow it. Why? Because there are only so many years where a child wants to be around their grandparents.

3.) I never disappoint her.

Now that is not saying that I haven’t done things that could have disappointed her or should have disappointed her. I have. I mean I am only human. But she is always understanding. When I got pregnant at 19. I was terrified to tell my mom. But she wasn’t mad. She actually said…it happens. We’ll handle it together.  She is also very understanding about my anxiety. She tries very hard to help me be less anxious.

4.) She never ignores me

I text a lot and I think the person I text the most is my mom. Honestly. I talk to her every day all day. She is my best friend. Even if I wake up at 3 am and text her. She usually texts back as soon as she wakes up. She is actually over at my house about 6 days a week. She usually heads home after I cook dinner. That way she doesn’t have to cook.

5.) She doesn’t sugar coat anything

Even when I was a kid…she never sugar coated anything. If she had a short paycheck and had to make a decision on whether she paid the water bill or bought groceries. She never made that decision alone. She always talked to us about it. She always asked us what we wanted. She never tried to make things sound better than they were. And it made me understand things a lot better.

6.) Allows me to experiment

I am a cooker. I love to cook. And I love to experiment with my recipes. As long as it is not too spicy she is willing to try it. I don’t eat steak and my mom doesn’t eat steak. However, my husband does and occasionally I’ll make him steak as a specialty and she will try it to make sure it is seasoned just right or tender enough. She’s amazing.

7.) Her bread and desserts

My mom never really cooked when I was a kid. I mean how could she. She worked all the time. She was a single mom. And what she did cook, she usually burned. I’m not being mean it is the honest truth. However, her deserts and bread was the best thing in the entire world. My friend specifically asks for her peanut butter cup pie and pumpkin bread all the time.

8.) She gave her everything for her kids

Not only did she fight tooth and nail to make sure she got herself and us out of that house. She continued to give everything for us. She didn’t bring men around us. She didn’t drink in front of us. She never did drugs. She always worked. When we couldn’t have Christmas, we would have Tax Time. which after catching bills up, whatever was left of the tax money would be spent on us anything we needed and wanted. She still gives even though she’s on disability.

9.) She never gave up

I know in this post I am talking bad about my dad. But I didn’t really know him. I know he passed away recently and I am very sad about that. I did wish I could have had a relationship with him. But life doesn’t always work out how we wanted. Although they were separated for most of my life, they were still married. My dad was court ordered to pay child support. Which he hardly ever did. So everything we needed to survive. My mom had to provide all on her own. My oldest brother was a trouble maker. A real trouble maker. So, there were many times where she could have just given up. But she never given up. She always kept trucking and pushing forward.

10.) She is always there. 

I know I already said that she would come at 6 AM for the girls. But honestly she would do that for me too. If I called her right now and told her that I needed her here right now….she would get her shoes on and come. She’s my mom. But she’s also my best friend.

Be remembered 

 

Death is always a hard thing to talk about. For me….I have always taken death very hard. I’m a big crybaby I can’t help it. I’m just and overly emotional person.

So when anyone passes away, you sit around and remember them. Things they did or said or maybe how they were in general. But what would you want to be remembered for?

Death scares the living crap out of me. I cry just thinking ‘what if something happened to me? What would happen to my kids? What would I be remembered for? What if they remember me as someone different than I had hoped?

Honestly, I hope they would remember how much I loved them. How I always tried so hard to help anyone. How much I loved my ids and what Kind of mother I am. If I am not remembered for anything else… I just want to be remembered for how I am with my girls because they are my life. This journal topic is very deep and emotional…

 

What would you want to be remembered for?

Weren’t so afraid

 

I think writing journal entries is a great way to put your anxieties out on paper (or blog post) so that you can see them. It’s not just in your head anymore. That way you can set a goal and over come them….some take a long time to do so.

So today, the post is 3 things I would do if I weren’t so afraid.

 

  1. Go on adventures

I would love to just go out and experience the world. Like go hiking. If money wasn’t an issue I’d fly to different countries…but then there’s my anxiety. I don’t like going places I don’t know by myself. I don’t go hiking because of wild animals and snakes.

 

2. Be more social

I’m a talkative person but not a social person. That doesn’t make too much sense right? Well, I’m not all too comfy meeting new people. And when I’m around people I am semi comfy with.. I feel like I talk too much. Then I spend way too much time worrying about what I said. If i did something wrong, said something wrong. If it wasn’t for anxiety… and I wasn’t so afraid… I would be more social.

 

3. Amusement parks

I use to lover roller coasters. Now they terrify me. The adrenaline rush that people enjoy….fills me with dread. If I wasn’t so afraid… I would enjoy roller coasters again.

 

What are 3 things that you would do if you weren’t so afraid?

 

Celebrity crushes

So this blog has been so much about what anxiety is and how we feel. Also, about the world against us. But I thought you all should get to know me better. So I’m making a little change.

Although, I am still a big advocate for breaking the stigma. I am also going to start posting journal topics and invite you to use the topics as well. And as always, please feel free to leave a comment, like and share.

Today’s topic is…. Celebrity crushes…the top 3. This is actually hard because I like so many. I go gaga. I try to tell my husband its better to be crazy over a celebrity than someone in town. (I would never encourage cheating. EVER) My celebrity crushes change a lot …that’s not true. I have a long list it is just my top that change. And the crushes aren’t in like a dirty way. A lot of them are either because of their personality, a character they play or their accent.

  1. Johnny Depp. I have been a big fan of Johnny Depp for 13 years. I love the McQuaid brothers … Jack Sparrow. Sweeny Todd. He’s so versitile…. (I do not want a discussion in regards to his divorce about Amber Heard. I don’t agree with domestic violence but I also don’t think he really did it…this is coming from the fact that she’s been arrested for domestic violence in the past and I have seen someone give themselves a black eye to get the other person arrested…add fame and money and people do crazy things…also you should never provoke someone when their mom dies….)
  2. Robert Downey JR. TEAM IRON MAN all the way. Love Iron man. He is my go to Avenger him and Mark Ruffalo.
  3. Jason Ritter…. I grew up with my mom watching Threes company all the time. So I remember watching John Ritter go from that to 8 Simple Rules. Then I watched Raise your voice…not too long after John Ritter passed and Jason’s character dies in a car crash… I bawled my eyes. And he was just so loveable as an older brother. It made me think of losing my brothers which made me cry. Then Jason came out with a new TV show that I never miss a week of if I can help it. It’s called Kevin probably saves the world. If you haven’t seen it yet…. I suggest you do. Its so good and he’s just so adorable.

 

So…who are your top 3.

*Side note.. my top 3 will change…they always do…