People don’t need to understand

Life is hard. For everyone. We all have stories. We all have backgrounds. We all have been thru things. We all tend to over share our stories sometimes. Especially if you’re like me. When my anxiety is on high during social situations… I tend to just talk and talk and talk. I also tend to talk about the things that I have been thru and explaining things that have happened to me. I have been told recently that I actually need to stop doing that because not everyone respects the person that I am or the things that I have been thru.

I usually get anxious, nervous and fidgety in social interactions around people that I either don’t know or am not comfortable with. Then after I leave the situation… my mind continues to over think and over analyze everything that I either aid or did. Then I feel like shit for the rest of the night….and possibly the next day as well. It is a big issue that I am slowly working on fixing. Things aren’t usually as bad as long as I have my husband right by my side. He is my rock. He is my calm. He grounds me in the storm that is anxiety disorder.

My husband is extremely understanding. He is extremely caring and gentle as well as loving. He is an amazing human being. However, not everyone is as understanding. The minute you explain your weakness there will be people out there that will hold that weakness against you. They will use your story, your emotional issues to ruin your life. To hold it over you. There are some people that like to know your deepest darkest secrets to make sure that you will not or cannot be better than them. They will use anything against you.

Sometimes, people don’t need to understand your journey. Your past, present and what you are working on…. that for you. It is not for them. The one thing that I have learned over the years…. is that you have to be extremely careful who you tell your journey to. Not everyone who smiles at you is your friend. Sometimes those who listen the most have the biggest mouths….the worst intentions to use against you. Your journey is for you. As long as you understand it, then that is what is best.

I thought I had a friend once. Well they were my husband’s friends. But I thought they were my friends too. They smiled so nicely in my face. They said all the right things. They were nice when I was around. They got me good too. I fell for their trap. So I opened up. I talked about my journey. I talked about what I had been thru. I talked about what arguments we had. I exposed the weakness in my husband and I fairly new relationship. So much so….that they used these weakness to break up my relationship with my then boyfriend and kept us apart for half a year until my husband came to the realization of the toxicity that they held deep inside them.

You see that is the thing. Some people are toxic. Some people are only looking for the worst in you so that they can use it against you. They want to use your journey to keep you down. To make sure that you are always beneath them. There is something that is often said on Facebook…. Make your moves in private. That way no one can make their intentions known. We bought a house almost a year ago and we didn’t tell anyone other than immediate family about it before we did it. Heck I didn’t post anything about it til we were in our happy home for a month.

There are somethings people don’t need to understand. Some things they don’t need to know. Your journey is yours. And it is just alright that no one but you understands it.

Dreams and a little update

Sorry I haven’t written in awhile. It has been a crazy few weeks since I last posted. My last post, I let you guys know why I had to leave a job that I had.

Well….

Life has a weird way of getting crazy before hopefully getting better.

So while I had just started my work from home job, my husband decided to follow a dream that he has had since forever. becoming a professional wrestlers.

Luckily for us, we found a training school that was close by and affordable. So for the past 2 and a half months…he’s been training.

It is such an inspiration. Watching him strive for this dream. Especially since I have way to bad of anxiety to even try to follow any dream. The kind that tells me I am not good enough at anything. I am a perfectionist in the worst way possible.

But I love that my husband is doing this. It is teaching our girls that no matter what…. you can always try for your dream. You can always pick yourself up and shoot for the stars. There was a saying on something that said shoot for the moon because even if you miss, you’ll land on the stars.

I am that wife tho. I am that wife who will fight for his dream. I am that wife, that even tho I have serious anxiety issues, will go to any event. Mingle with anyone to help him grow in this business. I am that wife who will make 96 treats for the training class. I am that wife that will create shirts for other wrestlers so that my husbands name is out there. I am that wife that even tho I hurt, will get up and train with my husband days in and days out.

I am that wife.

That will make sure my husband gets his dream.

But that is only a portion of what life has in store for us.

I wrote about my inlaws being complete idiots. Favoring one child over the other. Then blaming said child and myself instead of owning up to their own mistakes. it got to the point that my husband attempted to take a restraining order out on them. What caused this? The fact that his father was sitting at the top of our driveway in a car that we didn’t recognize and waited. He waited til my husband came home and then followed him into our driveway and proceeded to try to intimidate him. The judge didn’t side with us. Instead, the judge said theres no law against being a jerk. So yay. We have proceeded to have no contact with them.

That is….until I ran into my FIL in the store. Where he continued trying to tell me how bad a person I am. How all of this is my fault. How his son wouldn’t do any of this. That I was making my husband do all of this. Let’s just say that caused a major anxiety attack. I am not big on confrontation. I just don’t like it. So dealing with that was quite annoying.

But I cannot let idiots steer us away from protecting our family and striving for our dreams. If I let every anxious situation determine what I am going to do or be, I would probably never leave my room. So here is putting my FIL behind me and moving towards being the wife of a professional wrestler. It will be our second greates adventure. The first is being a parent.

Had to quit

 

As I wrote a month or two ago, I found a job that allowed me to work from home for about 6 to 8 hours a day, 5 days a week.  Which was fabulous. The pay wasn’t that great. I was paid every two weeks and my checks were about 400 each every two weeks. Which wasn’t too much of an issue because I was only working to have extra spending money. When I got the job, everything was great. Predictable. Nothing was too bad. I was super excited. Well not that excited because I was going to be on the phone. And I get tired of talking on the phone too much because customers can be complete jerks.

Then when I was in training, I was told on numerous occasions that if they listened to my calls and heard anything other than my voice on my end, it would be my job.

I was okay with that. I worked to the best of my capability… I made sure my kids couldn’t be heard in my working area. I tried my best. Well, then my brother went missing. Or so I thought. We didn’t hear from him for 3 weeks. This is the brother that cuts himself and has overdosed a few times. So we didn’t know what to think. I went off the phone a few times during my shift because we made a missing person’s report and the cop would occasionally call. I would have to answer because I needed to know if they had heard anything. I missed a few days because of my brother being gone and when we finally did find him. I took a day to get him home.  I was also promised when I got the job to have this one specific day off that I have had set since November. Well, that day was growing closer and they had me schedule to work. So I asked what am I supposed to do? Their answer. Call out. So that it would look bad on me. My mother in law needed surgery. She had no one else to take her. Stay with her and generally look out for her while the meds wore off. I tried all week to get that day off so I could be there. They wouldn’t give it to me. It was either I call out or she wouldn’t be able to have her surgery. So I had to call out.

And then my girls got a stomach bug. You never send your sick kids to someone else to watch. That is just spreading the germs. And your kids want you when they’re sick. So I called out.  I went in two days later, after my kids had given me their bug. I still went to work. I had to take a few extra breaks because I was sick. I don’t think customer would want to hear heaving in their ear. I always waited til I was off the phone, til after I helped the customer to get sick. And then I went into a meeting with my manager. He was great. He built my ego up for the first few minutes of the call. Boasting about how great I was at helping the customers. At how I was always looking out for their best interest. Then….his entire demeanor changed. His voice changed. His attitude changed. And basically told me my family wasn’t a priority. That my kids weren’t a priority. That the job was my only priority. That I shouldn’t be taking an extra break to get my kids their meds (we keep them in our bathroom so the kids can’t get them) Basically, it didn’t matter what was happening in my family, my job was supposed to come first.

 

Then the customers, if they didn’t get their way…..they had no problem tearing into you even if its not your fault.   which wasn’t good for my mental health. The way my manager would call… and discuss things. wasn’t good for my mental health. Building someone up just to tear them down is not the correct way to manage. The final straw was being told my family wasn’t a priority. So after discussing with my husband….

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I quit.

I only took the job for some extra money. No amount of extra money was worth my suffering or most importantly my kids suffering.

So that’s where I am at right now. Looking for another work from home job that doesn’t include being on the phone. or with toxic people.

 

Work and anxiety

 

Okay so I have been looking for a job from home for a few months and ironically last month I got one. I was so shocked and excited. It felt like the miracle that we need. I started getting a little anxious because it would be a change for my kids since for the past 2 and a half years they have been use to mommy being there the entire time.

But this anxiety did not outweigh the need that I need to provide some type of financial input in my family because not doing so makes me even more anxious. The girls will still have me in the morning and their daddy in the evening. I figured we would and could figure this all out.

So training was supposed to start last week. I got thru day one and was annoyed because a lot of the other people in training were not able to get find what they needed and it took four hours to learn how to clock in. So that kind of annoyed me. But I am an inpatient person. But I was fine. I was excited to be working again. I was even more excited that I was able to do so at home.

So the second day comes and my karma for being annoyed in the first day and now I have internet issues. It completely shuts down and shuts me out of training. It took me an hour to get it back running and then I couldn’t get back into training because the time frame to access it….was over. So then the teacher calls and she’s not happy with me. And then she makes sure to tell me it was a one time courtesy that my training would be rescheduled for this week.

Fine. That is just fine. I got paid for the two days that I tried and everything. Alright. So now I had the whole weekend to get geared up for training to start again. Got the computer up the headsets up. Tested my internet speeds a million times. Everything is good. Comes time for the meeting to start. I can get in and see everyone there.

But.

I cannot connect to the audio for anything. I literally spent 2 hours on the phone with the technical department and they could not see why it would not do anything. My head set was working. My computer was acknowledging the headset but the Webinar was not allowing me to connect.

So.

My instructor blamed my computer or my headset. I tried both usb headsets that I own and they both work but still couldn’t connect. So she calls me and tells me as a courtesy I can rejoin again tomorrow. But I should take my computer to the shop and get it looked at. That it was my fault.

So she clocks me out for the day

And I feel like a complete failure.

And I am so going to get fired because for some awful reason I cannot seem to be able to get thru training.

I thought this was my miracle.

I thought this was going to be good.

I thought this was going to save me from actually working with people in retail so that I won’t be so dang anxious all the time.

I guess I was wrong.

 

Hiding my emotions

Have you ever had someone in your life that was always in competition with you?

If your night was bad, theirs was worse. If your back hurts, their entire body hurts.

But if you’re depressed or your anxious, they didn’t understand. Or felt like you had no reason to be. Or, the worse is that they feel like your mental issues reflect them as a person.

Then there are the ones that get really uncomfortable when you talk about your mental illness. Because they don’t understand it. Or think you can simply pray it away. They think maybe you’re just making things up for attention.

Well, if you have been reading my blog these past few months… you should know…. I am not making things up. I am a champion. I am a warrior in a battle of my own mind.

But not everyone is so accepting. When you see someone you thought accepted you for everything you are and thought loved you enough to not be eh.

Yet they are the ones you can see physically getting uncomfortable.

This is where I feel like I have to hide away my impurities. My issues. My real self.

What is really sad is that I was going to make this a genearlized post. But when I started typing it….. I got this one person in my head.

The person who says they’ve been there with me my entire life. But when I try to talk about the shitty shit that happened to me…. They say I am lying.

Like when I was 5….my brother made me…not ask… made me pretend to be sick so that my mom would ask him to stay home with me. But my mom was going to my grandma’s and I really loved going to my grandmas…. but she said I couldn’t go because I was sick.

And I wanted to tell her I was lying. That my brother made me lie. And that’s when he punched me. in the eye. My first black eye was when I was 5. He told my mom that I was running tripped and hit the coffee table and I was too scared to tell her the truth. That is sad. But if you ask this person… they’ll say I made it up. Or if it really happened..why didn’t I say anything. I WAS 5!!!!

If you have been reading you know my dad passed away. According to this specific person… I didn’t lose my dad.My brother did because he knew him more than I did. They would ask how my brother was coping. How did my brother feel about it. My brother hated my dad. Like a physical hate. My other brother was inpartial. I on the other hand tried to call my dad everytime I got the chance. I tried to see him. I went down there on vacation with a friend of mine almost 9 years ago. It was right after Fathers Day and about 3 weeks before my dads birthday. We were there a week. I really wanted to see my dad. I always wanted him to want to see me. To explain why he was such an asshat. To try to be in our life. But he blew me off 3 times that entire week. But I didn’t lose my dad.

I have so many other examples. Like so many other examples. And this is why I just don’t go around certain people. Because there is no reason that I, a grown ass person, should have to hide my mental illness, my feelings and who I am to make someone else comfortable. And that is how I always felt. Like I had to pretend to be this little perfect person who said ‘yes ma’am, no ma’am’ and never ever had anything wrong with me. I felt like they wanted me to treat them as if they were my parent. and treat them the same way as I treat my mom.

Uhm, my mom is special. OKAY. I will not treat any other person as if they’re my mom.

I shouldn’t have to change the way I am now because they liked the submissve person I was.

Thats the thing. I gave birth to my first child almost 7 years ago. And there was just so much to that. My daughter was a blessing. Yes she caused my anxiety to increase because I was responsible for a whole new human. But she also allowed me to discover my inner ‘bitch’.

Before I would cower down. Hide things so that others around me would feel comfortable. I would never ever talk about my anxiety disorder to anyone but maybe 3 people including my mom. But the day my daughter was born it was like something was born inside me. I felt like I am an adult. I am a mother. And I don’t have to change who I am or bow down for anyone. I no longer follow the crowd. (actually I hate crowds, too many people)

If any of you reading this experience something similar to this, please know. You do not have to make someone else comfortable. you do not have to deny your feelings so that everyone else is comfortable. If they cannot accept the way you feel, if they cannot acknowledge that someone might have feelings that differ from theirs, then maybe they are not meant to be in your life.

And as always, which I probably don’t say enough, I am so very thankful for every single follower. I encourage comments and I will try my hardest to respond.

Try again

I swear I always feel like I am a bad person.

As the day ends, my thoughts never go to what went right or what I did good.

They constantly replay every little bad thing that I ever did.

I am a bad person

I am a bitch.

Well that last one is true.

I told my husband when we got together almost 9 years ago that ‘I am a bitch, if you cannot handle that then I don’t know if we can make this work’.

I am a bitch in the sense that I will say what I need to say for who I need to. I will do whatever needs to be done for those I love. I am a protective person by nature. So if that means that I have to be a bitch. Then so be it.

I use to be a happy person always with a smile on her face. But then that dirty, nasty demon named anxiety set in. Now I am always worried. Always feeling. Always in resting bitch face.

But being a parent. Especially such a young person. I became a mom when I was 19. I partied for 2 months before I found out I was pregnant. I was a wild teen for literally 2 months. That is it. When that test came back positive…. I knew I was done with all of the childish games. There was a child that was coming into my life that needed a mom not a teen.

But I started this journey only knowing what it is like to babysit or be an aunt.

So….

I make mistakes.

Even now that I have 2 kids. Because there are things that my six year old is like that I never learned how to cope with. I have to be the adult.

When you’re a kid you think that being an adult will be so awesome. But they never really told you what being an adult is really like.

So when the time comes that I need to lay down for bed. After I have checked on my kids for the thousandth time.. my mind plays back every mistake I made. Every little thing that I could have done differently.

But what I need to do. And what you should do, if you’re a parent, is remember that the sun will rise tomorrow. And we all can try again.

because honestly, that is all we can do. Is try. There is no gold medals for parents.

Who cares what those soccer moms think about your parenting style. It is yours. As long as your kids not some asshat then you’re doing a good job. Even if your kid is an asshat, you’re still doing a good job because you’re trying.

I mean you can be as good as a parent as you can but you cannot always determine how your kid will turn out. I mean my mom is my best friend. It has always been the two of us fighting thru poverty, homelessness and all kinds of issues. But even though she took her 3 kids out of a shitty situation with my dad and worked 12 hours a day sometimes. My brother still caused a lot of issues.

So, go a little easier on yourself. The sun is rising tomorrow and you get to start over again. You still have time to fix your mistakes and you still have time to show how much you love your kids. As long as there is still oxygen in your lungs, your heart is still beating and you can still do it. Then do it.

We may have a mental illness. We may over think. We may make mistakes. We may fall down. But we can pick ourselves up and try again.

Falling in love

 

In a world full of Netflix and chill, side people, just talking and all of the other excuses to not commit, falling in love is hard. But falling in love with anxiety is even harder.

I have posted before about dating with anxiety. It is a challenge. You are constantly second guessing yourself. Second guessing them. Never completely understanding how they could possibly love you and so much more.

Luckily, I have been lucky enough to fall in love with an amazingly understanding man who I married almost 3 years ago. We have been together going on 9 years. And it wasn’t always easy. It is actually a constant battle.

I’m not going to lie to you. I have anxiety. I have severe anxiety. So it can make any relationship a challenge. Like any relationship we have our good days and our bad. And usually I am the cause of many of our arguments. But it is not something that I want. It is mostly because I am having a bad anxiety day.

Like today.

It’s just a bad day.

Doesn’t mean me and my husband are arguing. We’re not. We are at such a great place. But being in love with anxiety you always wait for the other shoe to drop. So… It is a constant battle that I deal with to ensure that I am not overthinking things. Assuming things. Or blowing things out of proportion.