Not okay

You do not have to accept things that you are not okay with. And I know that can be a struggle. Especially when you have a mental illness. for instance, I try to HELP everyone. I try to fix everything. I just do. I also try to feed everyone. For instance, my husbands ended up with two turkeys from his job. Of course we used one for Thanksgiving and I was going to give the second one to a friend who was going to do a community Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, some things came up and my friend couldn’t host the party. Therefore, we had an additional turkey.

So I decided that we couldn’t just leave that turkey in the freezer forever… So I decided, the weather is getting colder… Why not feed my husbands training class some turkey chili. It was pretty banging and the class loved it.

I have fed them numerous times. Because cooking helps me calm down when I am feeling anxious. Because cooking is something I have control over. I can control how something is cooked. I can control the chicken. I can control whether its baked, grilled, fried or boiled. I cannot always control my anxiety, although I am working on that.. But I can control what I cook.

Sometimes I feel like I am a push over and that a lot of people know this and use it to their advantage. Like my oldest brother. For instance, he uses manipulation to make me feel bad for him. As a way to guilt me into doing things for him. Enabling him. Only recently have I built up a back bone and learned that I do not have to accept things that I am not okay with. I am not okay with giving my brother money since I know he doesn’t use it for what he says he needs it for. He usually uses it to buy beer. Because he is an alcoholic. He says he is not but that is just denial. He is pretty much an ass when he is drunk and he knows I cannot stand him drinking or doing drugs and have kept him away from my kids when he is under the influence. Hell everytime he calls me or needs me… I go alone. My kids don’t need to be around it.

It is okay to say no. Honestly, as someone with a mental illness. I need to learn to say no more often. It is okay to not accept things that you’re not okay with. IF it makes you feel some type of way… say no. You do not have to do it. You can say no. If it makes you uncomfortable.. you don’t have to do it.

There is no rule saying that you absolutely have to accet thngs that you are not okay with. For instance, I am not okay with my FIL showing favortism to my oldest daughter and completely ignoring my youngest. He has cancelled quite a few times if my oldest wasn’t home. like coming to see the youngest alone was just too hard. But going to the school to eat lunch with the oldest was easy. Taking the oldest out to eat or to the park or to play at his house was easy. But spending any time with the youngest isn’t something that he can do. And I was not okay with that. And I let it be known that I was not okay with that. It has been almost a year since he has seen the kids. It all could have been resolved if he would have said hey I am sorry, I didn’t realize it was an issue. How can I fix it? But nope. That is not how things go. Nope. A grown man has to play the blame game. Has to blame the kids. Has to bash me to anyone and everyone that listens. Then I find out that he left his first wife not just once but twice. And the first time was when my husband was a kid. He left for someone a lot younger than him. Someone so young, that I am not okay with him being alone with my girls ever again. I am not okay with it and I don’t have to accept it.

I understand a lot of people think ‘hey he’s your husband’s father you can’t just shut him out’. Actually I can. Because my husband doesn’t want to be around his dad or his dad’s wife. They had a pretty awful relationship and I butted in and pushed for them to have some type of relationship. But since this has affect our kids…my husband is not accepting it. He’s not okay with it either and has put his foot down. My FIL actually ran into me at the store and put all the blame on my like I am some type of monster that I made his son do this and a lot of other things. I was not okay with it and I put my foot down.

You don’t have to accept things if you are not okay with it. Even if it is family. Just because it is family does not make things that make you uncomfortable okay. It isn’t. You don’t have to settle or be bullied into anything. Stand up for yourself.. You are worth it.

Stop wasting time

Sometimes, you just have to accept the truth and stop wasting your time with the wrong people. I actually can use this for multiple people. Quite easily actually. And I seem like a bitch because of it. Or at least that is the word on the streets right now.

So…. lets see.

there is a certain someone in my life. Well a few certain someones who…..as the lyrics from the band ISSUES says “you only call when I wanna pay Maxed out plastic guess you’l’l be on the way” So I only hear from these certain people when they want me for something. Either they want money or they want me to do something. And I have broken my back and my bank account to help them. Literately. Gone broke helping them. when I should have said no. Should have stopped and should have let them fall instead of trying to constantly be the hero… Another ISSUES song says ‘I never said I was your GD superman” I feel that way ALOT. like ALOT!!!!!! I don’t hear from them as much. And one of them in particular, my older brother, gets upset that I have a better relationship with our other brother than I do with him. The middle brother NEVER asks me for money… EVER!!!! When he wants something…..he will text ‘hey’ and its usualy hey can you watch the boys because they gotta work or can you watch the boys so i can have a date night. (sometimes its to go christmas shopping etc) The majority of our conversations include sending youtube links back and forth for music we want the others to listen to. SERIOUSLY. I have tried that with the older brother….and he ignores me. But he’s quick to text me to ask for money or to help him with food bills gas cigs alcohol or to try to make me feel guilty beause I said NO. I went broke helping my brother and considering that I am not working and my husband is the sole bread winner.. I feel extremely guilty that we’ve gone broke helping him. Especially when my husband and brother don’t have the greatest relationship. He’s always tried to intimidate my husband especially when we got pregnant with our first. Because I’m “babysister” I think it is just time that I accept the truth… and let my brother in his 30’s fall and learnn how to fix for himself.
The other person…..is my in law and his wife.
This is a complicated story. Okay….so my brother, the middle one, worked with my FIL years ago. my brother like my FIL….. they got a long great….. And when I met him… They were quick to invite me to dinner and text me and try to make me feel like family and I was like cool. My husband (boyfriend at the time) had a dad that was accepting etc….. But my husband wasn’t too happy with them….at all. Barely talked to them anything. And I tried to get the story but my husband was like its personal its complicated its……. And while my husband wasn’t willing to let me know what was going on……my FIL and his wife were quick to let me know what they thought about my mother in law. Constantly running her name thru the mud. And I didn’t have much of a problem with it in the beginning because my MIL was the worst. She HATED me. I mean literately HATED me!!! She told her son to stop seeing me. That is how much she hated me. But as we got to know each other more. she started softening up and turned out to be not so bad.

Welll there is a backstory there. My FIL cheated on my MIl more than once. He actually got with his current wife while still married to my MIL…… so as an only child seeing all of this going on and my FIL wasn’t ever really there for my husband…never did father son activities or anything. I now understand why my husband didn’t want anything to do with his dad….. But I didn’t know that then…. So I pushed… I pushed my husband to have a relationship with his dad… I pushed him to let our kids have a relationship with his dad. All was fine until the favoritism of the oldest kid started happening. Then the FIL and his wife took a stance that it was my fault. That my husband would never treat them this way if it wasnt for me…. even though you know the wife talked mad crap about my husband when she was just the mistress….. Its all so complicated and mess and wrong. I should have stayed out of it way back then……and let my husband not have a relationship like he wanted becuase then we wouldn’t have a grown man telling the mother of his grandchildren how wrong she is and blaming her in WALMART!!!! yeah… I ran into him in the store and he repeatedly told me EVERYTHING was my fault. That my husband taking a 50B was my doing. Even though, when my husband went and took the papers I WAS AT WORK!!!! I asked him how could I have taken those papers or make your son take those out when I was at work when he took them??? His respose was…. you had to come home sometime. >.< So…..it is time that we accept the truth and stop wasting our time with very bad, very toxic people.

Toxic People

Okay so yesterday I posted about how my FIL has decided to show who he really is….

Although it is new to me, it is not new to anyone else that knows him. Like His son and ex. So maybe I should have listened almost a decade (ish) ago when my husband said he doesn’t really care to have a relationship with his father.

My bad.

I didn’t have a father. So I thought if my husband has the opportunity to have a relationship with his…he should take it…

it totally backfired in my face.

Joy.

But after the fall out that happened at my youngest daughters birthday party via text messages with my FIL…. he had decided to stop talking to me. I even sent him a simple text about apologies and haven’t heard anything from him. And that was almost a week ago.

Honestly, I don’t care. So he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore.

That is just fine. I no longer have to deal with him. or worry about what I should or shouldn’t say in front of him. Or try not to offend him since we do not have the same religion.

It is so much easier when toxic people stop talking to you… it is like the trash taking itself out…. As in I didn’t have to do anything in regards to the disconnection of communication.

But they are still bothering my husband so I do still have to deal with it a little bit 😦

Anxiety and Dreams

Okay, so as you guys know we’re currently having issues with my in laws.

and being a person with anxiety.

Makes me even more protective or more of a momma bear.

So, I need advice. Or maybe some comments. A discussion. From others outside of the situation to talk it thru.

The other night, I had this really bad dream. Having anxiety, I think, makes my dreams more vivid and more real. I wake up feeling like they’re real. That they’re going to happen. Like a premenition.

So this dream, I went to pick up the kids from school because I pick up my nephews as well. And the boys got in the car. But….my daughter was no where to be found. The principal came over and told me that she had been checked out earlier in the day by her grandfather, my father in law.

So I go over there to get her back…and he won’t give her back. He hides her away and runs. I think it comes from the fact that when my mom first left my dad….he kidnapped us and hid us in my great grandma’s basement. But it was going on and on and I was trying everything to get my kid back. And nothing was working. To the point that I was calling in help from people that I know are violent.

That was one dream.

Another dream the next day was my father in law showing up at my house when my husband wasn’t home. He pushed his way in to see the girls. And he wouldn’t leave. I tried everything and he just WOULDN’T leave. To the point that I was calling the cop and my FIL said that the cops wouldn’t do anything because he was family.

……

I woke up from both these dreams in a full on anxiety attack. These dreams have had me terrified.

So….I put some thought into it and I think I should go to the school and remove him from the list of picking up my daughter from school. I don’t want to ever feel like I did in my dreams.

So….what do you guys think?

Update

 

So a few days ago I filled ya’ll in on a situation that was happening with my in laws. The wife said, how did she put it….lets see it was “We WILL be there Thursday for an afternoon visit”

Telling me what they’re going to do at my house.

That was when a trigger kinda flipped in my head and I saw red.

That and the fact that she was 1.) Throwing tantrum like a toddler and 2.) Reprimanding me as if I am a child. I will be 30 in a few short years. I am far from being a child.

I calmly let her know the following day, after I calmed down. That we would not be home Thursday. I have a cousin (he’s my cousins husband) in hospice, he’s about 80 something years old. He has pancreatic cancer. So I wanted to keep this past week open in case I needed to go comfort my cousin in her time of need. I didn’t want to make plans and then cancel them last minute. I am not that rude.

Well of course that didn’t make them happy. They haven’t let me know. They aren’t talking to me….. Which I am perfectly fine with. But they have recently contacted my husband requesting the girls on Easter.

 

Yesterday.

They requested the girls on a holiday that they don’t even celebrate yesterday. 2 Days before said holiday.

 

I saw RED!!!!!

For the past 5 years we have done the same tradition every year. It is no secret. These in laws know exactly what we do EVERY YEAR!!!! I’ve been talking about these plans for months. I started planning a month ago. The minute Wal-Mart put out Easter stuff… I made the baskets.

You see I make the baskets… cause I love organizing things and my brother does the egg hunt.

So every Easter, my husband gets up and takes the girls to church with his mom. Every EASTER. They get home around 1 or 2 and then we go to my brothers for the egg hunt. After egg hunt we all go eat. Every YEAR.

But now all of a sudden they want us to push our plans around so they can see them?!?!?!?!

NO.

 

Have you ever had your anxiety over not saying the right thing turn into anger where you don’t care anymore????

When I sit there and read what they’re saying (because who says anything to your face anymore) I see red…. then I get anxiety. I freak out about what I should say. I type….delete….type….delete…type….ask my husband if its too mean…delete….type and send. Then my anxiety grows waiting for a response. I think it comes from a childhood of never being able to speak my mind because it would either cause a bad reaction or I would be reprimanded.

 

So that’s where we are in this situation….. don’t you love in laws????

Stand Your Ground!

Because of my anxiety, I kind of let people push me around. I am one of the most helpful people around. I literally help anyone I can. To the point that people take advantage and abuse it. That is usually when my husband steps in and is like hey they’re always asking you to bail them out and you’re always there to bail them out. How will they ever learn? Which is true and when I sit back after that conversation and reflect on things… I usually then stand my ground and say hey, no more.

Something happens when you become a mom. Your whole world shifts for this little person you created. And you become a momma bear. Have you ever made your mom mad? So mad that you see a vein come out in their forehead??? yeah. That is when you know its for real. Well thats where this story ends up at. My momma bear instincts coming out full force.

Here’s a little back story….. I have been with my husband going on 9 years. I am of German and Irish decent. I have a German temper and Irish rage as my brother puts it. So when my husband and I decided we wanted to be more than friends, I let him know that I am a bitch. Because I am. I can be really bitchy. I let my anxiety push me around which allows others to use me but when I get to my breaking point. I am a BITCH. full force.

Now, 9 years later my husband and I have two beautiful daughters. We’ve been married for almost 3 years and we are a team. We’re a pretty solid team at that. I’ve always gotten along with my father in law and only recently my mother in law. Now my FIL (father in law) is remarried and I always got along with his 2nd wife who happens to be my high school best friend’s cousin. So I thought that was cool.

My FIL was always fantastic with my oldest daughter. Ever since she turned 1 he would come see her at least once a month. He would have her over at his house. He’d take her to the park. Out to eat. you name it. And since she started school…..he would eat lunch with her whenever she had a day off.

So because he’s so great to her. I have let things slide. Because he makes some rude comments etc. However, one person can only take so much. So when he started canceling visits because only my youngest daughter was at home…. I started getting angry. He is point blank showing favortism and that isn’t right. My husband and I believe that both girls should be treated equally because neither is better than the other.

After about the fifth time of this happening… i couldn’t keep my mouth shut. So when he texted and said we’ll come another time when the oldest is there. I had it. I said what is wrong with the baby that you can’t come see just her??? You take the oldest out to eat, to the park and you eat at school with her. I said ‘we don’t show favortism and if you would like to continue seeing them I would suggest you don’t either.’

Which got me the response of basically him saying ‘come on now you’re better than that.’ In a complete condescending tone.

So I had it. I was done. I told him that for the future if he wanted to see the girls he would need to make arrangements thru his son. I am a grown adult. And I should be treated as such. His comment basically saying I am lesser of a person because I called him on his shit pissed me off. It brought out the momma bear in me.

I let it go. At that time. I was done texting him and I was done changing our plans to make sure they seen the girls. You see my oldest loves to go to her granny’s every weekend. My mom comes over during the week to see the girls and whatever. So my mom gets a lot of alone time with the baby when the oldest is in school. On the weekends… my oldest goes to my moms to have her alone time. Which I think she needed since the baby was a baby and needed extra attention. So I would post pone going to my moms or change the weekend plans all around so that my FIL and his wife could come see the girls for 20 mins. Yeah. That stopped. Momma bear was mad and Momma bear will protect her kids no matter what.

Well the other day, I was outside doing some yard work and my kids were sitting on the porch being extra cute. So I took the opportunity to snap a photo. They’re just so darn cute. My FIL’s wife decided to steal the photo and post it on her own facebook. That would have been fine. I wouldn’t have cared. Until she commented under my copy of that photo saying when can we see them.

I calmly and politely said Please feel free to contact my husband to set up a date and time. Which then prompted her to put our personal family business all over my cute photo of the girls. Using caps like she is a teenager throwing a tantrum saying We are keeping the girls from them and We are wrong and they did NOTHING wrong. So I said please private message me as this is a family matter and should not be posted on a public forum.

So she did. and threw an even bigger tantrum. I mean a serious tantrum. Yelling at me. Saying things like WHY CAN’T WE SEE THE GIRLS!!! Why are you treating us this way etc.

It was awful.

terrible.

And you see. My anxiety made me sit there and re read the messages and retype the messages over and over because I was afraid of saying something wrong. Thank you anxiety. My anxiety and my husband kept me from going full bitch mode. Even tho I really really wanted to. Just because my FIL shares DNA with my kids does not give him or his wife any….and I mean any rights to them.

What finally hit the trigger and made my anxiety go ‘well let her have it’ was when she told me. We WILL be there THURSDAY and we WILL have a visit with the girls. Basically telling me what she’s going to do at my house. MY HOUSE!

I mean my anxiety will make me do a lot of things. But it will also allow me to be a complete bitch. But my husband asked me to be nicer than I wanted to.

Yes, anxiety makes it difficult for you to stand your ground. For you to stand up to those who push you around.

BUT

when it comes to your kids. Momma bear instincts come right on out. LET THEM! Stand your ground. Do whatever you need to do to protect your kids.

I know it doesn’t sound like a big deal. favortism. But I was the favorite growing up with all my grandmothers. They loved me more and treated me different because I was the only girl. And I got a lot of shit for it too. It caused some resentment from my brothers and cousins because they had to clean or do something and I didn’t.

So I will not tolerate my girls being shown favortism over each other. It’s not right.

And this momma bear has her teeth shown and her claws ready.