My goals

Having anxiety, or at least for me, it makes me think ahead and overthink every single thing. For instance… I typically meal plan for a month at a time. I will know what I am going to cook tomorrow and next thursday because I plan out dinners and make out a list and buy everything that is needed for those dinners at one time. I know… It is a little crazy.

So with that being said….. I like to list out my goals, my bills…upcoming events… pretty much everything. I have liss for pretty much everything. I know how much my bills are this month….next month.. how much money is going towards bills out of the next paycheck.

So what are my goals….long term…short term.

Short term goals is always to make sure all of the bills get paid. I grew up with a single mom…sometimes she didn’t have the money to pay every single bill every single month so sometimes we didn’t have water or we didn’t have lights or we went without food. It is not something that I want my kids to ever experience. It was a rough time.

My long term goals…those are a little more complex and they don’t just include me. I want my crafting business to get up and running to the point that it is making me a stable income. I also want to get my sewing better. To the point that I can make wrestling gear into a viable income. I also want to get my photography skills in tip top shape to the point that I am hired to shoot wrestling events as well as promotional shots. I want to get my husbands wrestling career up and running. I want to do whatever I can and whatever it takes to ensure that he can focus on wrestling. If I could turn all of my hobbies and talents to income then maybe he wouldn’t have to work 60 hours a week and could in turn start training more than 2 days a week. I want to help my mom lose weight and get her arthritis and degenerating joints and disks under control so that she can be more active and her movement will be less painful.

I know things don’t happen over night….although I wish they were. I do however believe that if I work so very hard at it….I can make them a reality.

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Calmer

As someone who suffers from severe anxiety disorder to the point that meeting my husband’s training group had me hiding in the bathroom battling tears…. How can I be a calmer person?

I feel that being a calmer person will help me greatly with my anxiety issues. But how can I be calmer?

I have read countless articles and posts and blogs on how to beat anxiety. Countless of tips and tricks on how to pull you out of an anxiety attack. And I am here to say, they may work for some people. However, they don’t always work for me. My band instructor tried to teach me a breathing technique….it doesn’t always help. When I got into a car accident and I was hyperventilating…the EMT told me I was having a panic attack (duh) And that I needed to calm my breathing down. It didn’t matter that I knew my body and knew that if I tried to breathe like they wanted me too my heart rate and BP would go up as well as I would get light headed. But because they were the EMT and thought they knew my body and my disease better than me…

I did what they said.

And just how I predicted…. My heart rate went from 92 to 120 and my BP started rising fast. Finally, they told me I could go back to doing what I was doing. I think it is a coping mechanism until my brain can wrap around what had happened. So that I can process things. It is crazy, I know.

Unfortunately….. my anxiety is something I deal with on a daily basis…little things trigger my brain into an instant race car speed crash heading for a big boom that takes so much energy out of me that all I want to do is sleep, in all honestly, I have crashed from anxiety before for 13 hours of straight sleep because my body was just so exhausted from the constant thinking of crud. For instance, a friend said something and I knew he didn’t mean it the way that I took it…but my brain is a funny thing and took it completely the wrong way to the point that I took a steam shower and cried…. it was awful.

So how can I be a calmer person? That is a question that is constantly on my mind. I think that reminding myself that it might not be as bad as I thought could help. I think maybe taking a few seconds to pour the positives on all the situations will help me. For instance, with the friend example I just posted…I could have told myself -he appreciated your help – he said thank you -he said I didn’t need to but he was happy to have me offering….. For my car wreck…..even though my car was totaled and I was in pain…-I walked out of it.. -I was alive…-nothing was broken….-my unborn child (i was newly pregnant during the wreck) was fine. -I was going to be able to replace the car. -both of my brothers stopped everything they were doing and focused on me that day. -they put aside their hate for eachother to check on me. -cars can be replaced.

So to be a calmer person…. I think I need to remind myself of all of the positives that are in a situation. … Your bank account is only showing 3 dollars and you got 4 days til payday…at least your bills are paid. you lost the job that you’ve worked for years…..gives you the motivation to find something else you’re passionate about. Another door opens.

There is so much positive in this world that we sometimes allow the dark clouds to hinder the rainbow. Because as the wonderful Brandon Lee said in the movie The Crow…..”It can’t rain all the time.”

5 go to meals

So, lets be honest…. we all want to create perfect meals every day and have fantastic, healthy meals for our families. And as a stay at home mom, It is kind of my job to make sure that my family eats 3 square meals a day…. Well sorta. My oldest gets a quick breakfast in the morning because she is not the greatest at waking up for school and then she eats lunch at school and then gets dinner.

And as a parent, there are just some days where I just don’t want to cook or I am too sick or exhausted to craft one of those fantastic meals. So there are usually an arsenal of go to meals that moms, or at least I do, have in our back pocket for these days.

 

One of the biggest go to meals for days that are busy or days where I just don’t feel like spending too much time standing in the kitchen is Spaghetti. It is quick and easy to cook. It takes less than 30 minutes to have a hot and delicious meal on the table. And I usually have 3 variations in my arsenal. There’s regular spaghetti, baked spaghetti and taco spaghetti. It is amazing. And although there are the pasta carb debate going around that too much pasta isn’t health….there are ways that I can sneak health into these meals.  There are noodles that are made out of vegetables. And you cannot tell, or at least my kids can’t when they eat it.

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Another go to meal is hot dog mac and cheese.  Another non healthy meal that some of those parents would never put on the table for the kids.  It is the quickest easiest meal that my kids love. It is extremely simple and literately 2 ingredients. Takes less than 20 minutes to get on the plate. Its Mac and cheese, which I use Velveeta I love the ooey gooey cheese rather than the powder, and hotdogs. It couldn’t be more simple. We don’t eat it very often but when I have had one of those days, this is one of the meals my kids ask for.

Most people do Taco Tuesday. I do Taco Pizza. It is simple and a hit. Especially with the husband. It is simple and I can put it all together in 30 mins or less. It is crescent rolls pinched together to fit my pizza pan. Covered with refried beans, taco meat, diced tomatoes, onions, bell peppers and cheese. It tastes amazing and is easier than it actually sounds.

My favorite go to meal when its cold and we’re feeling under the weather is Potato Soup. It is creamy and yummy and honestly the hardest part is peeling and cutting the potatoes. And I can cook and dice up cauliflower and broccoli and sneak it into the soup without my family really knowing. It is so good that I usually eat so much that I fall into a food coma. Honestly the best thing in the world. I absolutely love it.

My 5th go to meal would have to be pizza. If I am under the weather or just not in the mood to cook….we usually order in. But If I want to include my kids, which I try to do often because our oldest just adores cooking and watches the cooking shows, we make homemade stuff crust pizza. This is a go to meal because I don’t have to do much, my daughter does.

 

These are my five go to meals…. what are yours?

Had to quit

 

As I wrote a month or two ago, I found a job that allowed me to work from home for about 6 to 8 hours a day, 5 days a week.  Which was fabulous. The pay wasn’t that great. I was paid every two weeks and my checks were about 400 each every two weeks. Which wasn’t too much of an issue because I was only working to have extra spending money. When I got the job, everything was great. Predictable. Nothing was too bad. I was super excited. Well not that excited because I was going to be on the phone. And I get tired of talking on the phone too much because customers can be complete jerks.

Then when I was in training, I was told on numerous occasions that if they listened to my calls and heard anything other than my voice on my end, it would be my job.

I was okay with that. I worked to the best of my capability… I made sure my kids couldn’t be heard in my working area. I tried my best. Well, then my brother went missing. Or so I thought. We didn’t hear from him for 3 weeks. This is the brother that cuts himself and has overdosed a few times. So we didn’t know what to think. I went off the phone a few times during my shift because we made a missing person’s report and the cop would occasionally call. I would have to answer because I needed to know if they had heard anything. I missed a few days because of my brother being gone and when we finally did find him. I took a day to get him home.  I was also promised when I got the job to have this one specific day off that I have had set since November. Well, that day was growing closer and they had me schedule to work. So I asked what am I supposed to do? Their answer. Call out. So that it would look bad on me. My mother in law needed surgery. She had no one else to take her. Stay with her and generally look out for her while the meds wore off. I tried all week to get that day off so I could be there. They wouldn’t give it to me. It was either I call out or she wouldn’t be able to have her surgery. So I had to call out.

And then my girls got a stomach bug. You never send your sick kids to someone else to watch. That is just spreading the germs. And your kids want you when they’re sick. So I called out.  I went in two days later, after my kids had given me their bug. I still went to work. I had to take a few extra breaks because I was sick. I don’t think customer would want to hear heaving in their ear. I always waited til I was off the phone, til after I helped the customer to get sick. And then I went into a meeting with my manager. He was great. He built my ego up for the first few minutes of the call. Boasting about how great I was at helping the customers. At how I was always looking out for their best interest. Then….his entire demeanor changed. His voice changed. His attitude changed. And basically told me my family wasn’t a priority. That my kids weren’t a priority. That the job was my only priority. That I shouldn’t be taking an extra break to get my kids their meds (we keep them in our bathroom so the kids can’t get them) Basically, it didn’t matter what was happening in my family, my job was supposed to come first.

 

Then the customers, if they didn’t get their way…..they had no problem tearing into you even if its not your fault.   which wasn’t good for my mental health. The way my manager would call… and discuss things. wasn’t good for my mental health. Building someone up just to tear them down is not the correct way to manage. The final straw was being told my family wasn’t a priority. So after discussing with my husband….

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I quit.

I only took the job for some extra money. No amount of extra money was worth my suffering or most importantly my kids suffering.

So that’s where I am at right now. Looking for another work from home job that doesn’t include being on the phone. or with toxic people.

 

Stand Your Ground!

Because of my anxiety, I kind of let people push me around. I am one of the most helpful people around. I literally help anyone I can. To the point that people take advantage and abuse it. That is usually when my husband steps in and is like hey they’re always asking you to bail them out and you’re always there to bail them out. How will they ever learn? Which is true and when I sit back after that conversation and reflect on things… I usually then stand my ground and say hey, no more.

Something happens when you become a mom. Your whole world shifts for this little person you created. And you become a momma bear. Have you ever made your mom mad? So mad that you see a vein come out in their forehead??? yeah. That is when you know its for real. Well thats where this story ends up at. My momma bear instincts coming out full force.

Here’s a little back story….. I have been with my husband going on 9 years. I am of German and Irish decent. I have a German temper and Irish rage as my brother puts it. So when my husband and I decided we wanted to be more than friends, I let him know that I am a bitch. Because I am. I can be really bitchy. I let my anxiety push me around which allows others to use me but when I get to my breaking point. I am a BITCH. full force.

Now, 9 years later my husband and I have two beautiful daughters. We’ve been married for almost 3 years and we are a team. We’re a pretty solid team at that. I’ve always gotten along with my father in law and only recently my mother in law. Now my FIL (father in law) is remarried and I always got along with his 2nd wife who happens to be my high school best friend’s cousin. So I thought that was cool.

My FIL was always fantastic with my oldest daughter. Ever since she turned 1 he would come see her at least once a month. He would have her over at his house. He’d take her to the park. Out to eat. you name it. And since she started school…..he would eat lunch with her whenever she had a day off.

So because he’s so great to her. I have let things slide. Because he makes some rude comments etc. However, one person can only take so much. So when he started canceling visits because only my youngest daughter was at home…. I started getting angry. He is point blank showing favortism and that isn’t right. My husband and I believe that both girls should be treated equally because neither is better than the other.

After about the fifth time of this happening… i couldn’t keep my mouth shut. So when he texted and said we’ll come another time when the oldest is there. I had it. I said what is wrong with the baby that you can’t come see just her??? You take the oldest out to eat, to the park and you eat at school with her. I said ‘we don’t show favortism and if you would like to continue seeing them I would suggest you don’t either.’

Which got me the response of basically him saying ‘come on now you’re better than that.’ In a complete condescending tone.

So I had it. I was done. I told him that for the future if he wanted to see the girls he would need to make arrangements thru his son. I am a grown adult. And I should be treated as such. His comment basically saying I am lesser of a person because I called him on his shit pissed me off. It brought out the momma bear in me.

I let it go. At that time. I was done texting him and I was done changing our plans to make sure they seen the girls. You see my oldest loves to go to her granny’s every weekend. My mom comes over during the week to see the girls and whatever. So my mom gets a lot of alone time with the baby when the oldest is in school. On the weekends… my oldest goes to my moms to have her alone time. Which I think she needed since the baby was a baby and needed extra attention. So I would post pone going to my moms or change the weekend plans all around so that my FIL and his wife could come see the girls for 20 mins. Yeah. That stopped. Momma bear was mad and Momma bear will protect her kids no matter what.

Well the other day, I was outside doing some yard work and my kids were sitting on the porch being extra cute. So I took the opportunity to snap a photo. They’re just so darn cute. My FIL’s wife decided to steal the photo and post it on her own facebook. That would have been fine. I wouldn’t have cared. Until she commented under my copy of that photo saying when can we see them.

I calmly and politely said Please feel free to contact my husband to set up a date and time. Which then prompted her to put our personal family business all over my cute photo of the girls. Using caps like she is a teenager throwing a tantrum saying We are keeping the girls from them and We are wrong and they did NOTHING wrong. So I said please private message me as this is a family matter and should not be posted on a public forum.

So she did. and threw an even bigger tantrum. I mean a serious tantrum. Yelling at me. Saying things like WHY CAN’T WE SEE THE GIRLS!!! Why are you treating us this way etc.

It was awful.

terrible.

And you see. My anxiety made me sit there and re read the messages and retype the messages over and over because I was afraid of saying something wrong. Thank you anxiety. My anxiety and my husband kept me from going full bitch mode. Even tho I really really wanted to. Just because my FIL shares DNA with my kids does not give him or his wife any….and I mean any rights to them.

What finally hit the trigger and made my anxiety go ‘well let her have it’ was when she told me. We WILL be there THURSDAY and we WILL have a visit with the girls. Basically telling me what she’s going to do at my house. MY HOUSE!

I mean my anxiety will make me do a lot of things. But it will also allow me to be a complete bitch. But my husband asked me to be nicer than I wanted to.

Yes, anxiety makes it difficult for you to stand your ground. For you to stand up to those who push you around.

BUT

when it comes to your kids. Momma bear instincts come right on out. LET THEM! Stand your ground. Do whatever you need to do to protect your kids.

I know it doesn’t sound like a big deal. favortism. But I was the favorite growing up with all my grandmothers. They loved me more and treated me different because I was the only girl. And I got a lot of shit for it too. It caused some resentment from my brothers and cousins because they had to clean or do something and I didn’t.

So I will not tolerate my girls being shown favortism over each other. It’s not right.

And this momma bear has her teeth shown and her claws ready.

Shouldn’t Apologize

Okay so it last night I happened to look at our calendar that is hanging on the wall that faces the laundry room. Since the laundry room is right off the garage…it is the wall we see the most when we come in the house.

I happened to look up and see that my kid is taking lunch twice this week. Considering we did a bit of spring cleaning yesterday… I knew we had exactly one lunchable in the fridge. So after my kids take a bath and I take a shower… I ask her what did she want for lunch tomorrow since I had forgotten…come on everyone forgets sometimes. I asked what she wanted for the two days she’s taking lunch and of course she asks for two different lunchables that we don’t have on hand.

So there I was at 8 PM still needing to take a test going to the store with wet hair. On my way back from the store, I pass a church that has a message that I found quite interesting on their sign. It said ‘if you’re doing it right, you shouldn’t apologize for it’.

And it hit me quite hard the whole way home. Why?

Well I am known for apologizing all the time. Even when I am right. Even when I am doing things the way they should be. I think I am apologizing because I am worried that I am hurting someones feelings.

Even if I am telling the truth, I have been known to go back an apologize for saying something that might have hurt someone’s feelings. Sometimes I feel like I am constantly walking on glass, afraid that anything I say or do will cause the glass to crack or break and I’ll fall. What I mean is that I constantly worry about things I do or say and how they may affect those around me. Like what if I say something wrong and this person feels hurt.

This actually comes from dealing with my brother. I constantly want to tell him off. Or tell him the truth to his face instead of sugar coating things. But I don’t. Why? well my brother has been known to be overly sensitive in the sense that if you tell him he’s being stupid or an idiot….he’ll want to cut himself. This has been going on for many many years. So…

My point of this post is..

Stop!

Stop caring what others might or might not feel. It is not your job to baby anyone’s feelings or take care of how they react. I mean if you’re an adult and you’re talking to an adult… then they should act accordingly.

If you are doing right by you. By your health. You should never have to apologize for anyone else.

This kind of goes back to the post about the worst feeling is having to hide your pain for someone else’s emotions.

Yeah…we need to stop doing that.

I say we because I am completely guilty. All the time.

But if we’re going to break the stigma surrounding our mental health….then we need to stop giving a crap how we make others feel when they’re around us. It is not our job to make sure they’re comfortable. Either they take us as we are…or there’s the door. That sounds so horrible and rude. But it is the truth. For our mental health we shouldn’t surround ourselves with people who force us to be a fake version of ourselves.

Drop a comment….let’s start a conversation about mental health 🙂

Hiding my emotions

Have you ever had someone in your life that was always in competition with you?

If your night was bad, theirs was worse. If your back hurts, their entire body hurts.

But if you’re depressed or your anxious, they didn’t understand. Or felt like you had no reason to be. Or, the worse is that they feel like your mental issues reflect them as a person.

Then there are the ones that get really uncomfortable when you talk about your mental illness. Because they don’t understand it. Or think you can simply pray it away. They think maybe you’re just making things up for attention.

Well, if you have been reading my blog these past few months… you should know…. I am not making things up. I am a champion. I am a warrior in a battle of my own mind.

But not everyone is so accepting. When you see someone you thought accepted you for everything you are and thought loved you enough to not be eh.

Yet they are the ones you can see physically getting uncomfortable.

This is where I feel like I have to hide away my impurities. My issues. My real self.

What is really sad is that I was going to make this a genearlized post. But when I started typing it….. I got this one person in my head.

The person who says they’ve been there with me my entire life. But when I try to talk about the shitty shit that happened to me…. They say I am lying.

Like when I was 5….my brother made me…not ask… made me pretend to be sick so that my mom would ask him to stay home with me. But my mom was going to my grandma’s and I really loved going to my grandmas…. but she said I couldn’t go because I was sick.

And I wanted to tell her I was lying. That my brother made me lie. And that’s when he punched me. in the eye. My first black eye was when I was 5. He told my mom that I was running tripped and hit the coffee table and I was too scared to tell her the truth. That is sad. But if you ask this person… they’ll say I made it up. Or if it really happened..why didn’t I say anything. I WAS 5!!!!

If you have been reading you know my dad passed away. According to this specific person… I didn’t lose my dad.My brother did because he knew him more than I did. They would ask how my brother was coping. How did my brother feel about it. My brother hated my dad. Like a physical hate. My other brother was inpartial. I on the other hand tried to call my dad everytime I got the chance. I tried to see him. I went down there on vacation with a friend of mine almost 9 years ago. It was right after Fathers Day and about 3 weeks before my dads birthday. We were there a week. I really wanted to see my dad. I always wanted him to want to see me. To explain why he was such an asshat. To try to be in our life. But he blew me off 3 times that entire week. But I didn’t lose my dad.

I have so many other examples. Like so many other examples. And this is why I just don’t go around certain people. Because there is no reason that I, a grown ass person, should have to hide my mental illness, my feelings and who I am to make someone else comfortable. And that is how I always felt. Like I had to pretend to be this little perfect person who said ‘yes ma’am, no ma’am’ and never ever had anything wrong with me. I felt like they wanted me to treat them as if they were my parent. and treat them the same way as I treat my mom.

Uhm, my mom is special. OKAY. I will not treat any other person as if they’re my mom.

I shouldn’t have to change the way I am now because they liked the submissve person I was.

Thats the thing. I gave birth to my first child almost 7 years ago. And there was just so much to that. My daughter was a blessing. Yes she caused my anxiety to increase because I was responsible for a whole new human. But she also allowed me to discover my inner ‘bitch’.

Before I would cower down. Hide things so that others around me would feel comfortable. I would never ever talk about my anxiety disorder to anyone but maybe 3 people including my mom. But the day my daughter was born it was like something was born inside me. I felt like I am an adult. I am a mother. And I don’t have to change who I am or bow down for anyone. I no longer follow the crowd. (actually I hate crowds, too many people)

If any of you reading this experience something similar to this, please know. You do not have to make someone else comfortable. you do not have to deny your feelings so that everyone else is comfortable. If they cannot accept the way you feel, if they cannot acknowledge that someone might have feelings that differ from theirs, then maybe they are not meant to be in your life.

And as always, which I probably don’t say enough, I am so very thankful for every single follower. I encourage comments and I will try my hardest to respond.