Failure Alert!!!

 

It is amazing how something as simple as a 1st graders school project can make you feel like a failure.

 

Last week my daughter brought home that paper that tells you it is time for a project.

That dreadful paper.

This one said that our little kids would need to take a soda bottle and turn it into a famous person.

Now in my head… I have this amazing picture of how I want it to be.

But what is in my head and my ability to create anything…..is absolute crap.

Seriously.

I am the least artistic person in the entire world.

So I decide that for the clothing that this bottle is supposed to have for this project will need to be sewn.

I have sewn two things in my life. This project being one and a pillow for my ex being another. Both have been a disaster.

But I do it anyway because I love my daughter. And it is a miracle I did not stab myself with the needle.

I cut down the only size foam Walmart had to semi resemble a head and it is still too big for the body. So now the guy looks comical. Yay me.

I paint it and get paint all over my hands. I feel like I am a five year old in a grown persons body when I am painting. Ugh!!!

I hot glue the clothes to the bottle and put the arms on. Now I still have the shoes and legs as well as pants to put on but decide I will finish it when my kid gets home.

But then I look at it. I photograph it. I send the picture to my mother. And she starts to tell me little things that could be changed.

As if I didn’t already feel like shit about it.

Seriously.

It is amazing that a small little project can make me break down. Bawling. Wanting to sit in my bath tub with hot steamy water cascading over me. (Which honestly I did)

I don’t want my child to be embarrassed by this project. I don’t want my kid to get picked on because I honestly cannot create a simple project.

I worry how my kid is going to see the project. I worry how her teacher is going to grade it. I worry about the other kids picking on my kid. I don’t want her to be bullied because I am honestly a failure.

It is funny how a simple project can make you feel like you are a failure as a parent. I want her to turn in the best work she can. I don’t want her to get a bad grade because I suck. I swear if she comes home with a bad grade because of this project… I will probably hole up in my room for a month. Honestly. I am not joking.

I don’t know how to not feel this way.

It is weird how a simple project can remind you….

I am pretty much a failure at everything.

I played the flute in school….never made first chair.

I tried guitar….. I know one song and can barely play it right

I like photography….but I am constantly reminded that my cousin or father in law are better than me… Seriously… My daughter had a camera and was taking picture of my father in law and my step mother in law made the comment how my daughter might be a great photographer like her grandpa… Uhm… I do photography too. But of course every one forgets me.

I imagine art… I can’t create it.

I like to cook….only half my food is a hit.

I like to blog… I don’t put out great material. I am obviously not a writer.

I was hoping I could get a job at home since I do so much every single day. Being a stay at home mom is no walk in a park. But I can’t find anyone hiring and all the jobs I apply for…. I never get… another FAILURE.

It is just one of those nights where I want a pint of ice cream and a bottle of wine. But one kid is at my brothers and the other is awake so no drinking for me. And I say no drinking with my older kid at my brothers for the fact that I like to remain sober when my kids are awake and not here because there might be an emergency and I don’t want to be that parent that either drives drunk or says I can’t make it because I’ve been drinking.

 

Sorry for the rant guys. I am happy to say I now have 85 followers. It is pretty amazing that at least 85 people want to read what I write. You guys are awesome

Everything

My anxiety makes things hard. If I fail at anything…. I take it really hard. Like with school. I have always prided myself on being able to teach myself anything. I pretty much coasted thru my senior year without breaking a sweat. So when I just cannot comprehend something I have a breakdown. Literally… There’s tears involved and self hate.

It is sad.

Because no matter how much I want to… I will succeed at everything I try… And I need to learn to be ok with that..

I am not going to lie. This might be one of the hardest battles I will face with my anxiety. Not the only battle but on of them. And I’m not too sure why but sometimes when I fail at something it feels like I am not good enough….at anything.

I am going to work harder to be ok with not succeeding at everything…but if I am going to be honest….it might take some time.