Day 3 Squat challenge

 

Well its day 3 of the 30 day squats challenge.

And I don’t want to do any squats. Like at all.

Or anything else for that matter.

Why?

Well last night was a bad night. A very anxious night.

So I am exhausted. We woke up 15 minutes late this morning and felt like everything was thrown off. So much so, that I didn’t even make my eggs this morning.

Instead, I just ate left overs from last night then did 25 squats (1 set of 4) and laid with my toddler while she fell asleep.

And now I’m here writing my post about how I’m in a mental funk and that mental funk leads to physical exhaustion. Don’t you just hate when your mental illness gets in the way of things you want to do.

Cause I realized that I have given up on a lot of things because at some point in doing anything I would fall into a mild depression state and just give up.

But I am tired of being fat. It is not healthy. It doesn’t look good. So This Time…..I am not giving up.

I might take a nap…..but I won’t give up. I’ll finish my 100 squats for the day. I’ll go pay some bills. I will pick the kids up from school and get everything done like I do every single day. I cannot let a foul mood destroy a challenge I said I was going to do. And Anxiety is more than a foul mood.

See I have been anxious for a couple days. Since the school shooting. Because that is a terrifying thing. I have a daughter in school. I cannot fathom the idea of anything happening to her at school. The one place where she is supposed to feel safe. I had issues letting her go to school last year because it was her first year. Separation anxiety. I wasn’t ready for her to spend that many hours away from me. But she loves school. She hates when she is sick and has to miss school. I just told my husband last night that if anything ever happened (and I pray all the time that it will never) to the girls…. I don’t think I would be able to cope. At all.

So today… I will work thru my anxiety to get motivated. Because if I don’t.. I might start getting depressed again.

The energy

 

In a previous post I talked about good karma. Well, to get good karma you gotta put out good karma. And to do so you need to be the energy you want to attract.

Having a mental illness, you always feel bad especially about yourself. You feel distraught, you feel like scum. So you carry that energy with you. you carry that resentment and you carry all of that doubt. And when you carry all of that with you everywhere you go, you pass it along to others.

Now I don’t know about you. But I am extremely empathetic. I feel the emotions of those around me. Because of that, I try to push positive emotions outward so that they may feel them too.

Yes, I think the least of myself. I am too fat. I talk to much. I’m not pretty. My hair is thinning. I have anger issues. I am impatient. I talk too much. I get distracted to easily. My eyes have bags so wide they need their own zip code. I have so much bad energy about myself. But if I carry that around everywhere I go. Then I will affect those around me. Especially my kids.

I do not want my kids to feel like they should look in the mirror and point every single flaw because in my eyes. They’re perfect.  Now I know they’re not perfect they have their issues. They have their moments where they use poor judgement and get in trouble. But I don’t want them to feel my energy and it become their own. I hope that makes sense.

So I hide this energy. And I know that they say you’re not supposed to bottle things in. But my insecurities. I bottle them up. Stuff them away. And I push out positive energy. I push out strong energy. I push out empowerment. Because I that is the energy I really want my inner self to feel. That is the energy I want others to feel. Be the energy you want to attract. Be the energy your inner child needs.