Be their calm

 
Little people are constantly learning…. and not just their language and math skills… They take the ques on how to act, react and be from the people around them.. We are their role models and for many years, we are their everything…

So when they are overwhelmed by big emotions…..it is up to the parents to be their calm, teach them how to be calm and not join their chaos….

I know its hard… especially if their big emotions are coming at a time when you, as the parent, are busy. As a stay at home mom, I am always up. I am always doing something. There is always something that needs to be done. So when my two year old comes to me because she misplaced a toy and is heartbroken…it can get kind of in the way. Which being an emotional person myself…could end up with me freaking out…. And I usualy don’t freak out when she loses a toy. I do however get a litte annoyed when she clings to my leg while I am trying to cook dinner because well the stove is really flipping hot….

But it is complicated for kids. Because they’re overwhelmed. They’re developing new emotions that they’re not ready for. That they’re not 100% sure how to handle. And when you’re a busy parent. It is so easy to join in their chaos… But in the end….it just makes it worse…

By joining their chaos, you’re showing them that the way to handle said emotion is by creating more chaos, staying in the chaos and not learning a way to fix the situation. Therefore, when your kid is developing new emotions that overwhelm them…..that cause them chaos. It is our job to be their calm… be that person that they can come to when they are unaware of how to react or how to change what they’re feeling…. It is our job to help them learn to calm down. We are their rocks. We are their calm in the crazy ocean that is feelings. As a mother with anxiety disorder, I know how overwhelming and overbearing emotions can be…. So for just a little while, I can put my emotions….my chaos…. on the back burner and be the calm in the storm…

Favorite thing about blogging

There are many blogs on the internet. Way too many than you could possibly read in one single day. And this is one of the reason why I was nervous about starting my own blog. Would anyone read it? Would anyone care about what I had to say? But I took the jump. I started less than a year ago. October-ish to be exact. And in that small time frame….I’ve gained over 200 followers and I am completely baffled how so many of you actually care about what I say. Not that it is a bad thing. What I mean is that I am baffled that I actually have followers. I am the type of person who would never think that anyone would care about what I have to say.

Which is one of the things that I love about blogging. I can say what I want. I can pour my heart out about my situations about my life. About my mental illness. I can get my emotions out there in a format that is available for anyone who wants to read. I am apart of the process to getting mental illness spoken about without any stigma. I know we still have a long way to go. But I am proud to be one of those who actually say’s ‘screw what they say, I am going to put it out there anyway’. Which if you know me…..is a very scary thing for me to do.

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I love that, although I know I should, I don’t have to write here like I am writing a college  paper. I know that if I want to be taken more seriously, I should write better. But here at my blog I can just type what I think and even though it is not written in a professional manner…..It is there.

I love that I have followers who are more than just followers. Every time one of you comments saying things like ‘I completely understand’ or ‘I’ve been there’ etc…. you all have been more than just my followers. You have been a friend. A kind and understanding friend. It truly means a lot to me since I grew up in a small town where if you had a mental illness, you were cast aside.

I love that I can write about everything that is going on in my life. I love that I can share my feelings with the world without being made to feel that I am being over dramatic. Or just too emotional.

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So if you are one the fence about wanting to start a blog. Just know that it can be very rewarding. It can be an emotional escape for you. You may even find people out there who feel the same exact way that you do. It is worth a try. Even if you don’t become one of those successful bloggers who makes a substantial living off blogging….it is still worth the try. It allows you to express yourself.

Shouldn’t Apologize

Okay so it last night I happened to look at our calendar that is hanging on the wall that faces the laundry room. Since the laundry room is right off the garage…it is the wall we see the most when we come in the house.

I happened to look up and see that my kid is taking lunch twice this week. Considering we did a bit of spring cleaning yesterday… I knew we had exactly one lunchable in the fridge. So after my kids take a bath and I take a shower… I ask her what did she want for lunch tomorrow since I had forgotten…come on everyone forgets sometimes. I asked what she wanted for the two days she’s taking lunch and of course she asks for two different lunchables that we don’t have on hand.

So there I was at 8 PM still needing to take a test going to the store with wet hair. On my way back from the store, I pass a church that has a message that I found quite interesting on their sign. It said ‘if you’re doing it right, you shouldn’t apologize for it’.

And it hit me quite hard the whole way home. Why?

Well I am known for apologizing all the time. Even when I am right. Even when I am doing things the way they should be. I think I am apologizing because I am worried that I am hurting someones feelings.

Even if I am telling the truth, I have been known to go back an apologize for saying something that might have hurt someone’s feelings. Sometimes I feel like I am constantly walking on glass, afraid that anything I say or do will cause the glass to crack or break and I’ll fall. What I mean is that I constantly worry about things I do or say and how they may affect those around me. Like what if I say something wrong and this person feels hurt.

This actually comes from dealing with my brother. I constantly want to tell him off. Or tell him the truth to his face instead of sugar coating things. But I don’t. Why? well my brother has been known to be overly sensitive in the sense that if you tell him he’s being stupid or an idiot….he’ll want to cut himself. This has been going on for many many years. So…

My point of this post is..

Stop!

Stop caring what others might or might not feel. It is not your job to baby anyone’s feelings or take care of how they react. I mean if you’re an adult and you’re talking to an adult… then they should act accordingly.

If you are doing right by you. By your health. You should never have to apologize for anyone else.

This kind of goes back to the post about the worst feeling is having to hide your pain for someone else’s emotions.

Yeah…we need to stop doing that.

I say we because I am completely guilty. All the time.

But if we’re going to break the stigma surrounding our mental health….then we need to stop giving a crap how we make others feel when they’re around us. It is not our job to make sure they’re comfortable. Either they take us as we are…or there’s the door. That sounds so horrible and rude. But it is the truth. For our mental health we shouldn’t surround ourselves with people who force us to be a fake version of ourselves.

Drop a comment….let’s start a conversation about mental health 🙂

It isn’t easy

Loving me isn’t easy.

Loving me is complicated.

Loving me comes with a lot of baggage.

Loving me comes with a lot of problems.

Loving me means you need to be patient.

Loving me means you need to understand.

Loving me isn’t easy.

Because loving me means you accept my issues

Because loving me means you are willing to put up with my anxiety.

Because loving me means you don’t judge me.

Because loving me means you want to help me cope.

Because loving me means you understand.

Loving me isn’t easy.

I wish it was.

I wish I wasn’t such a handfull.

I wish I didn’t constantly overthink every little thing you say.

I wish that I could have better trust.

I wish that I didn’t wear every thing on my sleeves.

I wish my emotions didn’t bounce up and down like a damn yo-yo you use to play with as a kid.

I wish I didn’t have to constantly have reassurance.

Loving me isn’t easy.

But I wish it was.

Having a mental illness like anxiety…such strong anxiety makes relationships so damn hard.

You are constantly wondering if you are going to get hurt again.

You see… I have only been with 3 guys in my whole life. I have only had 3 boyfriends. EVER. Seriously. My first boyfriend was when I was 7… we dated off and on every couple years until high school.

Then he dumped me because someone gave him the time of day. That is how it always went with him. Especially when we were in high school. Anytime a girl would flirt with him, bat their pretty little mascara covered lashes his way, I would be left heart broken wondering why I was never good enough to be anyone’s entire world.

But then I was. Or at least I thought I was. I mean my second boyfriend pursued me while I was in a relationship with my first boyfriend. He wrote all these letters. He won me stuffed animals. He always made time for me. Til he left. to go live somewhere else. And I was the one thinking we could actually make long distance work. And I guess we did. Until he came to live with us. But he wasn’t who I thought he was. He was an emotional rollercoaster. He caused so much pain. He won me over with his words and then destroyed me with his actions. he cheated. not only physically but emotionally. Not too long after we broke up did he start a realtionship with the one he cheated on me with. But what could I have expected. He cheated on his girlfriend with me. And his girlfriend was my friend. And he let me believe that they were over. He had a way with words. He was broken. I thought I could fix him. I thought I could be his savior. I thought I could. But in the end, that didn’t matter. It never matters, does it?

In the end of that relationship… I didn’t know how to break it off. I knew we were over. We were too spiteful to each other. Too hateful. Too much of a toxic thing. They always say you have 3 kinds of love in your life. My first love played me like a fiddle. My second love taught me all the feelings you would never want to feel when you’re supposed to be in a realtionship.

And then came my knight in shining armor. Or at least I thought he was at the time. We’ve had a very long hard road. An emotional rollercoaster in itself. You see….he was my cousins friend. He came out of nowhere. He just showed up when I was still with my ex. We started out as friends. And I started falling for him even though I didn’t know how to end it with my ex. But I didn’t have to. My ex did it for me. By cheating and lying and running away from all his problems. By being who I thought I could save.

This just in… you cannot save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.

My 3rd love came so fast and so hard. It hit so damn hard. And so damn fast. my head was spinning. We started out hanging out as friends. But deep in my head I knew I wanted more. We kissed on our first day seeing eachother in months. My ex broke up with me on a big day for me… It hurt. But my friend, now husband, was there to talk to me. We talked on the phone so much. So often. Texted all the time. He was older. by 2 years. The first guy I had been with that was more than 11 months older than me.

I was in awe that he liked me. That he even wanted to kiss me. To spend time with me. To be with me. He consumed so much of my thoughts.

But then tragedy struck. We lost someone that was so close to both of use.

I retreated into myself. I hid my thoughts. My heartbreak. I hid how hurt I was that my friend, my cousin, my confidant was gone. I would never be able to pick up the phone and call him again.

My husband…. I am not too sure what happened. He was broken. That was his best friend. But what I did notice was that another friend was creeping into his life. a toxic friend. A horrid friend. My husband didn’t notice because he was still too blindsided from the loss of his friend to even see how bad this new friend was going to be.

This friend encouraged the lying, the talking to other girls.. This friend encouraged him to leave me. He came in between us. I was destroyed.

But it has a happy ending. I promise. Because if it didn’t…he wouldn’t be my husband. But he is. We wouldn’t have two beautiful daughters. He finally opened his eyes. Now that friend is no longer in either of our lives even though they keep trying to push and shove their way in.

I am sorry guys, I am ranting and raving again.

You see…. the first 2 guys in my life and the first 2 and a half (out of 9) years with my husband scarred me.

They made my anxiety worse.

They made my trust minimal.

They made my belief diminish.

They made loving me hard.

I have always been a deeply emotional person. I have always wore my emotions on my sleeves. I have always been able to feed off others emotions even when I never wanted to.

Loving me is…..hard.

…….

but it’s not impossible

Be remembered 

 

Death is always a hard thing to talk about. For me….I have always taken death very hard. I’m a big crybaby I can’t help it. I’m just and overly emotional person.

So when anyone passes away, you sit around and remember them. Things they did or said or maybe how they were in general. But what would you want to be remembered for?

Death scares the living crap out of me. I cry just thinking ‘what if something happened to me? What would happen to my kids? What would I be remembered for? What if they remember me as someone different than I had hoped?

Honestly, I hope they would remember how much I loved them. How I always tried so hard to help anyone. How much I loved my ids and what Kind of mother I am. If I am not remembered for anything else… I just want to be remembered for how I am with my girls because they are my life. This journal topic is very deep and emotional…

 

What would you want to be remembered for?

Bottle up

Anyone who has dealt with depression or anxiety or any other type of mental illness, you hear a lot of things like stay positive or quit being a crybaby. Or there is the you’re just seeking attention. Now I know that I deal with extreme anxiety and occasional depression myself….But my post aren’t always about me. I have a lot of friends who go thru the same things or worse. So I feel like I should give them a voice in a world filled with stigmas.

One thing that anyone can do and most likely does even if they don’t have a mental illness is bottle their emotions. If you’ve ever dealt with emotional abuse, you bottle things up so that you don’t hurt the others feelings.

I, for instance, do this a lot. I have people in my life who do things like cut themselves or threaten to do stuff on a whim. So even though I want to scream at them when they’re being stupid or even just have a calm conversation about what they can do to better themselves etc, I can’t because some words hurt them and send them into some type of spiral.

This has been happening my whole life.

Now there are others who don’t care and say what they want to this said person…and it doesn’t always end pretty. I know that I should probably put my foot down, I really should. But it is hard.

I also fear saying what I really want to say. I am terrified of being yelled at. Like my brother. He has always been like a father figure to me since we grew up without our father really in our lives. He likes to treat me like a kid or say things to me and I am an emotional person. Anything that is said to me really stings. Like it cuts me deeply.

I have these things I want to say in my head.. I really do say them in my head… I’m not crazy. But for the life of me I cannot bring myself to say them to him. I am afraid of being scolded or causing any type of confrontation in our relationship. He’s always been there. Always.

I hide my emotions. I’m not the only one. My husband is an unemotional person. My brother doesn’t seem to be phased by much. The list goes on and on. Although, I wear my emotions on my sleeve. They don’t always come to surface. For others… they can hide them and sort them away into a tiny little box. But sometimes, this box gets too crowded and emotions just pour out.

If you ever have an unemotional person in your life. You might want to be careful how hard you push them to open up… they might not stop. Did you ever see that episode of friends where Rachel was dating Bruce Willis character? He was unemotional until she pushed. Then he wouldn’t stop crying. Every single things made him cry. She ended up breaking up with him. So… I would just be careful how hard you push.

I pretend to be ok. Even when I am not. Especially in public. I know a lot of people who are like this. And I typically ask them. ‘Hey, are you ok?’ because I know that they are probably keeping a brave face around everyone else.

This is not healthy, I know. I never said that it was the right way to go about things. However, for many of us, this is the only way that we know how to process. It sucks. But with the current stigma clouding even the slightest possibility that mental health isn’t some demonic plague cast upon us, it can be hard to change things.

#BreakTheStigma