Believe

As a parent, you constantly worry if you’re doing what is best for your kid. You worry if maybe you’re being too soft on them, or maybe you’re being too hard. Is your punishments enough to create a sense of better judgement in your kid? Are they ever going to learn how to be successful adults? Are we being their friend rather than their parent? Are we causing too much emotional damage that will cause them to one day tell those stories to a therapist on a couch one day? Are we the reason that they will be spending hundreds of dollars on therapy as adults? Or are we being overly sensitive? Are we being the type of parent that they will learn how to push around to get their way? Does their bad behaviors reflect on who we are as parents?

My kids are under the age of ten and yet I still worry constantly about how I am as a parent and how it will affect them in the long run. My oldest is sensitive. Boy is she sensitive. You raise your voice to her and she shuts down. And cries. She is a big cryer. And I am not saying that is a bad thing. It is great to be emotional and to be able to be okay with your emotions. My husband lack in the emotion department. It has to be VERY big for him to cry. Or to show any emotions. I find myself asking him what he is thinking all the time because his POKER face is just that darn good. Our youngest, however, is the complete opposite of her sister. She is tough. She is brave. She is fearless. She laughs at your raised voice. She snickers at your little pop on the behind and she only cries when she doesn’t get her way. That or she is overly tired. Our oldest is me. I was a sensitive child. Heck I am still sensitive today. And our youngest is their daddy. If you were to put us four in a poker game…..Myself and our oldest would be losing because we would show it on our face. My husband and our youngest would be winning because they could have the best or worst hand on the planet and you would NEVER see it on their face.

We constantly are adapting to this thing called parenting. I think that everyone is. It isn’t something that you’re born with. Kids are never the same. So even though I babysat a lot growing up, I wasn’t fully prepared to be a mom at 19. I did, however, know that my days of being young and carefree were over. It was time to buckle down and make sure that my child had everything and knew everything that I didn’t when I was her age. I find myself explaining things more to her, to them both. Why we do things this way or what this means. Instead of saying ‘Because I Said So’ I try to explain why I said so. That’s not saying my mom didn’t do it. She did. We were always informed if something was going to happen. I remember when my paternal grandfather was sick and in the hospital. I was around 7 or so. My mom took us three kids to the hospital and before we went in she explained that he was very sick and that he probably wouldn’t be going home. That this was probably our last time seeing him. That we should, if we felt like we wanted to, say our goodbyes and tell him that we loved him. She never forced us to say ‘I love you’ to anyone in the family. She always just kind of told us if you feel it. If you feel like you love your grandpa and want him to know it then you should tell him. I did. I told him. Even though I questioned his love for me on a daily basis. He was a weird old man. Who found humor in ripping hang nails off my little fingers or trying to set the stray strings of my brothers pants on fire. He was weird. But so was his son, my father. But I still loved him. He introduced me to Deer Jerky which I still to this day find the best jerky. Growing up in the south, Deer is something you hunt, eat and try ever so dearly not to hit with your car.

However, I think that the most important thing as parents is believing in your children. For every person who believes in themself was a parent that believed first. I like photography. It is one of my joys. It is one of my coping mechanisms for anxiety. I don’t like being the center of attention. there is something about being behind a camera that allows me to feel more confident. Then the editing process. I can spend hours editing photos. In that time…while editing I am calm. My anxiety doesn’t feel as threatening. My mom loves my photos. Especially of her grandkids. She loves how I can get her oldest grandson, who doesn’t smile, to smile. The full face tooth smile. No one else can get him to do that. But I can. My mom is always telling me how good my photos are. And I am usually very confident in my art. However, there is that one person that just ruins everything for me. Said person constantly tells me that another family member is better than I am. Said family member photographed an award show. Said family member is traveling all over to take photographs. I literately have limited my time around said person because I can only stand being told someone is better than me at pretty much everything in life for so long.

My husband is training to be a wrestler. His mom isn’t too fond on it because she doesn’t want anyone to hurt her baby. My husband is an only child so I completely understand that point of view. However, she is always behind her baby no matter anyway. She believes in him. She knows he can do anything and everything that he sets his mind to. That is one of the main reasons, I believe, for why he is doing amazing in his training class. Because his mom first believed in him and now he believes in himself. And I believe in him so much. I swear I am his biggest fan.

So as a parent…even though we all question our parenting styles or whether we’re hurting their emotional growth….the best thing that we can do is ALWAYS believe in them. Because if we don’t believe in them, as their parents, then who will? Who will be their biggest fan when they’re trying something new? Who will be cheering them on when they pass that test? Believe in your kids no matter what and they will grow into teens and adults who belive in themselves. Throughout everything my kids do right or wrong, I believe in them. I know that they are good kids at heart and that they are stil learning, growing and developing. It is my job as a mom to believe in them, nuture them and help them grow into happy adults. Money is great but it isn’t everything and I don’t want my girls growing up thinking that they wil only be happy if they have money. Happy is an emotion not a financial status. I believe in my girls. I believe that they will follow their hearts. That is the biggest greatest thing that I can do as a mom. Is believing in them. I will cheer them on. I will pick them up if they fall. I will wipe away any tears. I will fight with them if they need me too. And I will always FIGHT for them. Because they made me a mom.. The greatest thing that has happened to me.

Dreams and a little update

Sorry I haven’t written in awhile. It has been a crazy few weeks since I last posted. My last post, I let you guys know why I had to leave a job that I had.

Well….

Life has a weird way of getting crazy before hopefully getting better.

So while I had just started my work from home job, my husband decided to follow a dream that he has had since forever. becoming a professional wrestlers.

Luckily for us, we found a training school that was close by and affordable. So for the past 2 and a half months…he’s been training.

It is such an inspiration. Watching him strive for this dream. Especially since I have way to bad of anxiety to even try to follow any dream. The kind that tells me I am not good enough at anything. I am a perfectionist in the worst way possible.

But I love that my husband is doing this. It is teaching our girls that no matter what…. you can always try for your dream. You can always pick yourself up and shoot for the stars. There was a saying on something that said shoot for the moon because even if you miss, you’ll land on the stars.

I am that wife tho. I am that wife who will fight for his dream. I am that wife, that even tho I have serious anxiety issues, will go to any event. Mingle with anyone to help him grow in this business. I am that wife who will make 96 treats for the training class. I am that wife that will create shirts for other wrestlers so that my husbands name is out there. I am that wife that even tho I hurt, will get up and train with my husband days in and days out.

I am that wife.

That will make sure my husband gets his dream.

But that is only a portion of what life has in store for us.

I wrote about my inlaws being complete idiots. Favoring one child over the other. Then blaming said child and myself instead of owning up to their own mistakes. it got to the point that my husband attempted to take a restraining order out on them. What caused this? The fact that his father was sitting at the top of our driveway in a car that we didn’t recognize and waited. He waited til my husband came home and then followed him into our driveway and proceeded to try to intimidate him. The judge didn’t side with us. Instead, the judge said theres no law against being a jerk. So yay. We have proceeded to have no contact with them.

That is….until I ran into my FIL in the store. Where he continued trying to tell me how bad a person I am. How all of this is my fault. How his son wouldn’t do any of this. That I was making my husband do all of this. Let’s just say that caused a major anxiety attack. I am not big on confrontation. I just don’t like it. So dealing with that was quite annoying.

But I cannot let idiots steer us away from protecting our family and striving for our dreams. If I let every anxious situation determine what I am going to do or be, I would probably never leave my room. So here is putting my FIL behind me and moving towards being the wife of a professional wrestler. It will be our second greates adventure. The first is being a parent.

Anxiety and Dreams

Okay, so as you guys know we’re currently having issues with my in laws.

and being a person with anxiety.

Makes me even more protective or more of a momma bear.

So, I need advice. Or maybe some comments. A discussion. From others outside of the situation to talk it thru.

The other night, I had this really bad dream. Having anxiety, I think, makes my dreams more vivid and more real. I wake up feeling like they’re real. That they’re going to happen. Like a premenition.

So this dream, I went to pick up the kids from school because I pick up my nephews as well. And the boys got in the car. But….my daughter was no where to be found. The principal came over and told me that she had been checked out earlier in the day by her grandfather, my father in law.

So I go over there to get her back…and he won’t give her back. He hides her away and runs. I think it comes from the fact that when my mom first left my dad….he kidnapped us and hid us in my great grandma’s basement. But it was going on and on and I was trying everything to get my kid back. And nothing was working. To the point that I was calling in help from people that I know are violent.

That was one dream.

Another dream the next day was my father in law showing up at my house when my husband wasn’t home. He pushed his way in to see the girls. And he wouldn’t leave. I tried everything and he just WOULDN’T leave. To the point that I was calling the cop and my FIL said that the cops wouldn’t do anything because he was family.

……

I woke up from both these dreams in a full on anxiety attack. These dreams have had me terrified.

So….I put some thought into it and I think I should go to the school and remove him from the list of picking up my daughter from school. I don’t want to ever feel like I did in my dreams.

So….what do you guys think?