Remember about you

One thing that I hate from my anxiety is that I am constantly worrying and afraid about death. Not just my own death but others around me like my mom. I am completely afraid of losing my mom. I know she’s in her 60’s and it just terrifies me and I am completely afraid of how will I go on when that time comes. But I also worry about my death. Especially since the doctors thought that I might have had cancer when I was pregnant with my youngest. I kept telling them that I had a sinus infection and I was consuming dairy even though I have a small allergy to said dairy products. But they didn’t think that was the cause of my white blood cell count being high and for two months they had me scared that I had had cancer and that thought made me afraid of dying. of leaving my kids alone with their dad who would not be completely capable of raising two girls on his own because he doesn’t know everything about girls being an only child himself it would be hard for him. And I think that fear of dying has caused me to keep two journals for my girls kind of retelling their life from now. And how I feel about them and how I love watching the grow and everything. So that if anything ever did happen to me….they would have the memories in these books.

So, what would I want everyone to remember about me? That I did everything I could for my friends and family. That I was there for everyone that I could have. That I gave everything my all. That I was willing to step out of my comfort zone for the ones I loved. That I tried.

Honestly, that is all I want people to remember is that I tried. I gave myself to everything that I could. That I tried my hardest at everything I set my heart on. That I wasn’t a quitter. That I never let the anxiety control my entire life. That I constantly tried to make sure that I could attempt anything even with my anxiety being the evil little devil it always has been.

What do you want to be remembered about.

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Be remembered 

 

Death is always a hard thing to talk about. For me….I have always taken death very hard. I’m a big crybaby I can’t help it. I’m just and overly emotional person.

So when anyone passes away, you sit around and remember them. Things they did or said or maybe how they were in general. But what would you want to be remembered for?

Death scares the living crap out of me. I cry just thinking ‘what if something happened to me? What would happen to my kids? What would I be remembered for? What if they remember me as someone different than I had hoped?

Honestly, I hope they would remember how much I loved them. How I always tried so hard to help anyone. How much I loved my ids and what Kind of mother I am. If I am not remembered for anything else… I just want to be remembered for how I am with my girls because they are my life. This journal topic is very deep and emotional…

 

What would you want to be remembered for?

Daughter to father

I’m not going to lie. I don’t know how I should feel right now. I just found out that my father passed away. He passed 4 days ago…they found him 2 days ago and we were notified today.

So here goes part 1.

Dear dad,

Or should I even call you that? Should I call you by your name? In my 20 so years of living you were never there. You were more like the sperm donor who just helped bring me into this world.

Did you not care?

I’ve seen you maybe a handful of times that I can remember. The first time since you skipped state was when I was 11. And you wanted to pretend that I was still your baby girl.

Was I ever?

Why did you leave state? Why didn’t you want to stay around? You could have had visitations…you could have seen my dance solo at church or come to my band concerts.

Why did you not care?

When we left state….after you did…we lived near moms family…and her parents died not too long after that..

Why didnt you call? Why didn’t you see if we were ok?

When we moved back home…did you not care? When your dad died why didn’t you come? Why didn’t you see if we were ok? Were you really that mad at mom for leaving your abuse?

Why did you never check on your kids? Did you not love us? Did you not love me? I grew up without you.

I spent my childhood with one parent. Not knowing why. Not knowing until later that it took 2 to create kids. I spent my childhood afraid of being sent to you, if anything happened to mom. I spent my childhood wondering why you never cared.

I spent my life wondering how….how you could abuse us. How you could hurt us. How you could ever lay your hand on a woman. How. What type of man were you to do such things. What happened in your life to make you slap a crying baby. I’ve heard all the stories.

I grew up amazed by my mothers strength. How strong she was to leave you. To fight for custody. To fight against you and your whole family when she had no one here. Her whole family lived across the country. But she did. She stood up to your abuse and she left and she took us with her. So that we could have a life free of abuse (although she tried her hardest…somethings like abuse cant be avoided…unfortunately)

Mom left you and when she won custody…you didn’t try anymore. Why? Were we trash that you could just throw away?

And now you’re gone. Im not sure if youre in heaven or hell. Or maybe just a void. You never tried to make amends for your mistakes…no matter how many chances I gave you. I even came down without mom to see you…and you blew me off 3 times.

You’re gone and I dont know how to feel. I’ll never get any answers. I’ll never know why. You’ll never get to know your kids as grown adults with kids of their own. You’ll never get to see your grandkids.

You’re gone and I have to come get your things. Your gone and I feel numb. Is it ok to cry for someone you never knew? Is it ok to cry? How should I feel?

Signed,

Your daughter