Not a babysitter

 

One thing that drives me insane is when people ask me if my husband will watch the kids. Like he has to be coaxed into spending time with the kids. Like he is some kind of baby sitter.

That is what kills me in today’s society. The mom’s are expected to devote their entire life to their kids. But when the mom wants to do something without their kids, they’re supposed to ask the father to babysit.

Like oh do you think their dad will watch them while you go out and do something. Or will their dad watch them while you go to work or to a friends.

That is not how things work in my family.

My husband is a dad, not a BABYSITTER.

When I need to run errands, and lets face it, errands are so much easier when its without the kids. Especially with a toddler. The getting them in and out of the car and carrying them into the store or place where you need to go is hard. Or going to the doctor. That isn’t something you want to do with a kid. But when there are things I need to do without the kids or things I want to do without them. I don’t ask my husband to babysit his kids. We talk about it.

Hey, I have plans for this Friday at 7pm. His response isn’t I guess I’ll watch the kids. No. He actually wants me to do things. He says go have fun. There is no asking him to watch OUR kids.

Being a dad means you share responsibilities for your kids. Being a dad means that you are there for your kids. You spend time with them, you make sure they have clean clothes, you make sure they eat. You are THERE. Not because the mom asked you to watch them.

See, my dad wasn’t a dad and he definitely wasn’t a babysitter because he was never around.  So I knew that when I had kids it was going to be with someone who actually wanted to spend time with his kids. Not as a babysitter but as a daddy. Someone who wanted to have alone time with them. Daddy daughter days. Luckily, I found that. My husband is a dad. He never has to babysit his kids. It is his responsibility to be there for them just like it is mine. When he wants to do things he doesn’t ask if I will watch the kids. We discuss things. He tells me he wants to have plans with said friend or do something and asks if I have any plans that day. He doesn’t ask permission to go. That’s not what I am implying. He makes sure that I don’t have to go do anything.

 

Hiding my emotions

Have you ever had someone in your life that was always in competition with you?

If your night was bad, theirs was worse. If your back hurts, their entire body hurts.

But if you’re depressed or your anxious, they didn’t understand. Or felt like you had no reason to be. Or, the worse is that they feel like your mental issues reflect them as a person.

Then there are the ones that get really uncomfortable when you talk about your mental illness. Because they don’t understand it. Or think you can simply pray it away. They think maybe you’re just making things up for attention.

Well, if you have been reading my blog these past few months… you should know…. I am not making things up. I am a champion. I am a warrior in a battle of my own mind.

But not everyone is so accepting. When you see someone you thought accepted you for everything you are and thought loved you enough to not be eh.

Yet they are the ones you can see physically getting uncomfortable.

This is where I feel like I have to hide away my impurities. My issues. My real self.

What is really sad is that I was going to make this a genearlized post. But when I started typing it….. I got this one person in my head.

The person who says they’ve been there with me my entire life. But when I try to talk about the shitty shit that happened to me…. They say I am lying.

Like when I was 5….my brother made me…not ask… made me pretend to be sick so that my mom would ask him to stay home with me. But my mom was going to my grandma’s and I really loved going to my grandmas…. but she said I couldn’t go because I was sick.

And I wanted to tell her I was lying. That my brother made me lie. And that’s when he punched me. in the eye. My first black eye was when I was 5. He told my mom that I was running tripped and hit the coffee table and I was too scared to tell her the truth. That is sad. But if you ask this person… they’ll say I made it up. Or if it really happened..why didn’t I say anything. I WAS 5!!!!

If you have been reading you know my dad passed away. According to this specific person… I didn’t lose my dad.My brother did because he knew him more than I did. They would ask how my brother was coping. How did my brother feel about it. My brother hated my dad. Like a physical hate. My other brother was inpartial. I on the other hand tried to call my dad everytime I got the chance. I tried to see him. I went down there on vacation with a friend of mine almost 9 years ago. It was right after Fathers Day and about 3 weeks before my dads birthday. We were there a week. I really wanted to see my dad. I always wanted him to want to see me. To explain why he was such an asshat. To try to be in our life. But he blew me off 3 times that entire week. But I didn’t lose my dad.

I have so many other examples. Like so many other examples. And this is why I just don’t go around certain people. Because there is no reason that I, a grown ass person, should have to hide my mental illness, my feelings and who I am to make someone else comfortable. And that is how I always felt. Like I had to pretend to be this little perfect person who said ‘yes ma’am, no ma’am’ and never ever had anything wrong with me. I felt like they wanted me to treat them as if they were my parent. and treat them the same way as I treat my mom.

Uhm, my mom is special. OKAY. I will not treat any other person as if they’re my mom.

I shouldn’t have to change the way I am now because they liked the submissve person I was.

Thats the thing. I gave birth to my first child almost 7 years ago. And there was just so much to that. My daughter was a blessing. Yes she caused my anxiety to increase because I was responsible for a whole new human. But she also allowed me to discover my inner ‘bitch’.

Before I would cower down. Hide things so that others around me would feel comfortable. I would never ever talk about my anxiety disorder to anyone but maybe 3 people including my mom. But the day my daughter was born it was like something was born inside me. I felt like I am an adult. I am a mother. And I don’t have to change who I am or bow down for anyone. I no longer follow the crowd. (actually I hate crowds, too many people)

If any of you reading this experience something similar to this, please know. You do not have to make someone else comfortable. you do not have to deny your feelings so that everyone else is comfortable. If they cannot accept the way you feel, if they cannot acknowledge that someone might have feelings that differ from theirs, then maybe they are not meant to be in your life.

And as always, which I probably don’t say enough, I am so very thankful for every single follower. I encourage comments and I will try my hardest to respond.

#Lyrics Emotionless-Good Charlotte

 

Hey dad
I’m writing to you
Not to tell you, that I still hate you
Just to ask you
How you feel
And how we fell apart
How this fell apart
Are you happy out there in this great wide world?
Do you think about your sons?
Do you miss your little girl?
When you lay your head down
How do you sleep at night?
Do you even wonder if we’re all right?
But we’re all right
We’re all right
It’s been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren’t you there all the nights that we cried
You broke my mother’s heart
You broke your children for life
It’s not okay,
But we’re alright
I remember the days, you were a hero in my eyes
But those were just a long lost memory of mine
I spent so many years learning how to survive
Now, I’m writing just to let you know that I’m still alive
The days I spent so cold, so hungry
Were full of hate
I was so angry
Those scars run deep inside this tattooed body
There’s things I’ll take, to my grave
But I’m okay
I’m okay
It’s been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren’t you there all the nights that we cried
You broke my mother’s heart
You broke your children for life
It’s not okay,
But we’re all right
I remember the days, you were a hero in my eyes
But those were just a long lost memory of mine
Now, I’m writing just to let you know that I’m still alive
Yeah, I’m still alive
Sometimes
I forgive
Yeah and this time
I’ll admit
That I miss you, said I miss you
It’s been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren’t you there all the nights that we cried
You broke my mother’s heart
You broke your children for life
It’s not okay,
But we’re all right
I remember the days, you were a hero in my eyes
But those were just a long lost memory of mine
Now, I’m writing just to let you know that were still alive
And sometimes
I forgive
And this time
I’ll admit, that I miss you, miss you
Hey dad
Joel and Benji Madden wrote this as a letter to their dad after he cheated on their mom and walked out on them when they were 16…. It is a powerful song.
And heres where I get personal with you guys… no judgement right.
My dad was abusive. He beat my mom…he beat my brothers. He was an alcoholic…he was mostly an ass.
My mom….being the strong badass that she is….left him when I was a toddler. Honestly she was afraid of what type of abuse he would subject me to. Now as many of you know… He passed away before thanksgiving.
Growing up without my dad. I always had these questions. Like who was he. What type of person was he. Did he love me. did he miss me. Why wasn’t he around. You know typical kid questions… When I first heard this song.. I cried… but I couldn’t do it publicly because my brothers still resented him for the abuse. It was difficult. I understand that and he had some awful responses to why he did what he did. But he was my dad so being an emotional person… I wanted to know… him…answers…everything… but I didn’t have any of them.
And now… I will never have my answers… So this song is even more painful. But I love me some Good Charlotte.