I Am The Change!

So all of Linkin Park fans know that today is Chester Bennington’s birthday. While many of us are still sad about his passing. It was a big hit for those of us who fight many of the same battles that he struggled with every single day. The same battles that he talked about so openly.

So many of us fans wanted a way to celebrate the life of Chester since it is his birthday. And it is because many of us loved Chester and wanted to honor him, Talinda Bennington the strong, beautiful and outspoken wife of Chester asked everyone to post a photo with the words “I am the Change” written on our hands to symbolize that we know the 5 signs of mental illness. And that we are going to be the change to the stigmatism.

I have spoken very loudly about the stigmatism that plagues those who suffer from any form of mental illness. and this isn’t just anxiety or depression. Stigmatism plagues many of those who suffer autism, ADHD, ODD, and many more.

My best friends kid is autistic. And he suffers from a lot of stigmatism. To the point that some family pretend that his autism is made up and that his antics are just him being bad. Which enrages me. But that isn’t the worst of it. It is even so bad that his school holds his autism over him as if it is a reason to be held back a grade even though he is as smart as a whip. All because his ‘social’ skills are not what they believe is ‘up to par’. Well uhm I have been around this kid since he was a baby. In fact, my mom and I actually called his autism. We baby sat him one day and we could tell that there was something. Not that we treated him any different. He’s about 6 months older than my oldest daughter. In fact she’s his best friend. We have never ever treated him any different. In fact, I think that I do more for or with him to compensate for the bullshit he has to deal with. The kid is 7 and he’s already faced a world full of stigma. Unfortunately, he has a long life that looks like it will be full of stigma.

And that isn’t the only stigma this family faces. My best friend suffers from PTSD, depression and anxiety. and possibly more, I can’t remember right at the moment. Her husband has depression. So when I talk about being able to hang around my friends and they understand when I am having such a bad time…. They completely understand. Because they have dealt with it themselves.

But this isn’t a sad post! This is about Chester! And if Chester was still with us. (It’s sad saying that ;( because he was such an inspirational person) He would be right with us… Fighting the stigmatism. Which is what we should all do. We should continue fighting for what Chester believed in. We should continue fighting against the stigmatism that plagues pretty much anyone who suffers any form of illness of the mind. Because anyone with a spinal illness, a heart illness or anything else is sympathized with but those with ADHD, Anxiety, Depression, etc. are frowned upon. Lets put an end for this stigma. Lets #BreakTheStigma and #MakeChesterProud

The Smallest Things

There must be something in the air today. This strong ass wind must be carrying some type of toxin that is causing so much anxiety.

Not just for me. My best friend is having a shit anxiety day as well over some stupid drama at her work which sent her into a crying fest in the bathroom and even tho she gathered herself together and put on a brave face as only those with issues know how to do, her boss is still siding with the other employee and sending my friend home.

And I can’t be much help to her because as I am sitting in the school line waiting to pick up the kids, I am in a blubbering mess as well. Why?

Well here is what my brain is telling me. I am a no good, money spending, talentless, fat, mess. Who can only spend money and cannot make money for the life of me. I have put in application for almost every at home job I can think of and apparently I am not what anyone is looking for. I cannot bring myself to get another fast food job because I know that I will be a blubbering whale of a mess in the bathroom from dealing with people face to face. The whole idea of trying to juggle every single thing that I do on a daily basis as well as working even a part time job outside of my home sends my heart rate higher than the Eiffle tower. I can’t even monetinize my blog well enough to draw in any money from the ads. I’m obviously not cut out to be a money making blogger. Even tho I like blogging because it helps me work thru a lot of my issues.

So why is this happening today.

Well I was running an errand for my mom before coming to the school line and I needed gas. So at the gas station I noticed my tires are low again for the thousandth time and when I was driving I noticed that the steering wheel kinda shakes so I decided to focus all of my attention on how my car was riding and I could tell with how worn the tires looked and felt that I need new tires.

Usually I would just get used tires. But since I drive sooooo much running every single flipping errand that occurs in our family as well as taking kids to and from school that it would be in the best interest of my family to get brand new tires as they have a higher chance of being safer. Because you never really know how these used tires are going to go. You could pay the 40 bucks to get a used tire put on and hit a pot hole on the way home and blow that tire you just bought. Now I can add 30 more to that and get a brand new tire. But I need 2 tires both my front tires are bad. So I am looking at 200 bucks for tires basically. with taxes and installation.

And I spent money buying other stuff recently for this awful cold that I am unfortunately coming down with. And it always seem like I am spending money and I feel bad because I am not bringing in money. I feel like a bad wife because my husband is working 10-12 hours a day 6 days straight and I’m just blowing his hard earned money.

Sometimes it is the smallest things that can make you feel like you’re useless, worthless, nothing.

I know I usually post some type of way you can deal with it or something positive.

But I just can’t today. I am having one of the worst anxiety days in a while…

So now, because I am that type of person, I got to figure out how I can make it up to my husband for spending 200. Even tho he won’t be mad or say anything about it because he wants the girls to be safe. But I am going to do it anyway because I feel like I have to do more since I stay at home.

Also, because music usually helps me in these moments and its usually my therapy… I was dumb enough to look up linkin park’s acoustic versions of their songs and just hearing Chesters voice from certain songs is sending me into another blubbering mess because well he was a gem that we loss. a beautiful soul.

If ya’ll know how to monetize your blog successfully…. I am all ears because I cannot go back to retail/fast food. And I really enjoy writing to you guys.

Wish me luck. 🙂

Fan letter: Dear Chester

 

I looked up journal prompts and some that may help with your mental health. One was to write a fan letter and you don’t actually have to send it. But if there is a certain celebrity that you relate to, one who has helped you thru a difficult time, writing your fan letter may help you to understand why they’re so important to you. So today… I am writing one to someone who is sadly no longer with us…..

Dear Chester Bennington,

It has been a little over 5 months since you left us. And I am pretty sure I speak for may fans when I say missing you hasn’t gotten any easier. I hope that you’re out there somewhere safe, somewhere warm… somewhere your demons can no longer torment you. And I hope you know how loved you are and always will be.

I want to thank you for always fighting for mental health. You laid out all of your problems in your songs and millions of fans, including myself, related to everything that you said. Thank you for being a voice for us when we didn’t feel like we had one.

There are way to many songs for me to list that spoke to me. Spoke to my soul and spoke me out of my anxiety. Helped me crawl my way out of depression. Your songs were my go to for my mental state. There is always a song in your library of genius that held some sort of meaning for me.

I can never say enough for what you meant to me… and its not just me. There are millions of fans around the world who felt the same way. And it is even worse with the fact that we missed your signs. The signs that you needed a friend. The signs that things were getting bad again. I’m sorry.

I’m sorry we never truly saw all the pain in your eyes. And I know that I never knew you personally….and never would have been more than just a random fan…. a body in a crowd. But I can’t help but wish that maybe I could have done something. anything to help you get thru your pain. To help you keep fighting. But you slipped thru our fingers.

The world lost a legend. The world lost a magnificent voice who helped lonely people like myself every single day. I bought the One More Light Live cd… and I can’t stop listening to it. It is the last Live album you’ll ever have. I feel like if I stop listening to the CD… you’ll truly be gone. And I know that you are in a better place… And I know I am being ‘silly’ being so tore up about a celebrity I never knew. But I feel like turning off the CD will put the final nail in the coffin.. You know? It would make it more real. At least if I keep playing the CD… I can keep hearing your voice. I’m not ready to give that up yet. I know that I can always play any of your cd’s or watch any of the videos on youtube to see you. But it is just something about this Live album that makes it more significant. Mike’s Instagram live listen of it didn’t help either. I feel his pain

You see… I lost a friend that was really close to me 7 years ago. It was unexpected and I thought I was going to see him again in a couple days… those couple of days will never come. I have never taken death very well and I am an overly emotional person. But I have never been to a memorial over a celebrity before…until you Chester.

your love for your family and fans was so strong that I was pulled to go. I felt like I needed to go. And when we all sang One More Light… there wasn’t a dry eye in the room. We care Chester. We care if one more light goes out. And for as long as I live…. I will be shining my light as bright as I can and work as hard as I can to break the stigma.

I applaud your wife Chester. She is one strong woman. When she has all the right to hide from the world and mourn…. she is standing tall with your love and fighting for you fans. She is fighting for mental health. She is fighting for you. She is a role model by all means.

Linkin Park doesn’t know what they’re going to do without you. And part of me feels like it’s not Linkin Park without you in it..without your fabulous voice… without your powerful screams….But I also know that they need to be able to mourn… They need to be able to move on. If they decide to continue as a band…and they should…they’re brothers….I will always support them. And I know that they will honor your memory in the best way possible.

Thank you for everything you did for your fans. All of your songs. All of your smiles.

We will always miss you.

Signed,

Just a fan.

#MakeChesterProud

So the Chester memorial is on tonight. And I am just one big ball of feels.

Every song hits right in my emotional gut like being kicked in the stomach. I’m crying….a lot….and its ok…I will be ok….we will be ok.

Chester sadly passed away a couple months ago. It had been a very well known fact that he suffered from mental illness and that mental illness is what led to him leaving us.

No its not fair. And I know that sounds so bad for someone to say about anyone who has passed. But its not fair. Not just because as a fan we wont get to hear any mew music from this lyrical genius. He was a father a husband a friend a leader and much more. He was a person.

Whats not fair is depression and mental illness. Theres help available. We know that. Well at least we do now since Chester left us. Depression and suicide prevention has come to the front lines….finally.

There is a hashtag on twitter that Talinda promotes…and so do I. Its #FuckDepression. Because really if im going to be angry or sad or say Fuck You to anything or anyone for Chester it would be depression.

I hate depression. I do. And I hate when I’m depressed. It happens. Okay. Don’t tell me its life. Dont call me a cry baby. Dont tell me others have it worse. Just don’t.

Its actions like that…that caused many people to not get help. Sometimes…we need help. We do. Depression sucks.

Depression hurts. It hurts so bad. Sometimes it hurts so much that we become numb. Being numb is better than constantly feeling the pain.

The thing is….Chester knew that. He could relate to us on a personal level. We relied on him. We waited patiently for the new albums so we could hear more songs about how we felt. Thr true fans that is. I’m not talking about the ones who complained every time an album came out because it didn’t sound like the 1st one.

If anything comes from tonight show…i hope it helps people who are suffering to find a way to get help. No matter what anyone says….ever….getting help is not weakness. It is strength. As a fan, I wish that I could have helped Chester. Maybe just a little.

I know this sounds like a rambled post but im watching the show…bawling like a baby…. And needed to get some thoughts out…please share yours

#OneMoreLight #MakeChesterProud #FuckDepression

Depression is sometimes hard to see

We all know that we lost Chester Bennington to death by suicide. It has been a hard thing for many of his fans, including myself, to come to terms with. Let alone his family and friends.

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Although, Chester spoke about the demons in his head quite often. We didn’t always see them. He was a happy person. Or at least that is the persona he put out. Which we all thought was fine. He made us smile. He understood our pain. He spoke the words that were too hard for us to mutter. Chester truly spoke for a generation.

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If it was this hard to see the signs of what was to come, then are we missing something from our own family and friends? One thing that has come from these tragic events is the out pouring of people speaking up. We are breaking the silence. We are saying ‘Hey I have a mental illness and it’s ok’. For too long, people have feared those who have mental illness’s. For too long, these people have been picked on, judged or told they need to be put away. That’s not okay. We are human. We are people and we are just like everyone else.

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If we missed Chester’s signs, could we miss yours? Please don’t let us miss your signs. We  are here to help. We are here to listen. We are here to lend a helping hand. This blog will never be judgmental. This blog will never have negative comments towards those asking for help. This blog will always be a safe place for you to talk. Please feel free to comment. If you see a comment and know some information that will help, please share. Let’s open this discussion up and provide each other with a safe place. I admit, I have had my share of depressed days. Days where I don’t want to do anything. Days I just want to sleep. Days where the overwhelming sadness takes over and everything is gray and black. You’re not alone. I am here for you.

Thank you!

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Chester Bennington

 

As many of you know, we lost a legend on July 20, 2017.  This day will forever be a dark cloud for an entire generation. It was on this day that Chester Bennington died by suicide. There are many words to describe this amazing person. Too many words than I could put in one simple post.

I first began listening to Linkin Park when their first album came out. Now for this generation growing up now wouldn’t understand what it was like to wait for TRL to show your favorite videos.  As a child I listened to anything and everything my brothers did.  This meant Linkin Park, Green Day, Nirvana, Simple Plan, Slipknot and many more. Actually, a lot of what my brothers listened to is what I still listen to today.  I remember being in elementary school when I heard this most amazing scream coming from my brothers room.  From that instance I was hooked.

Many years later, I saw Chester when he was with Stone Temple Pilots and that day would have been one of the best in the world.  Except I was pregnant and nauseous. Then fate would be on my side, Linkin Park was coming to my state and I was going to get to see him and this time I wasn’t going to be sick. Or at least I thought fate was on my side. I know that sounds a little selfish.  I shouldn’t be selfish. It’s not about me. But it is okay for me to feel the way that I do. And if anyone tells you that its not okay for you to be upset then they need to go on somewhere.

What I think a lot of us are asking is if Chester cannot win his battle, then how can we?  It is the Linkin Park family, the soldiers, that have come together to help each other battle these mental illnesses.  It is even Chester’s own wife who is taking a stand and taking the stigma out of mental illness.

When the world lost Kurt Cobain to suicide, the world saw a mass of copy cat suicides.  When we lost Chester, we lost our rock, our inspiration. We lost the voice who spoke for our battles, who spoke to who we hide from the world.  Chester related to us all. When we lost him, we lost our friend.  We may not have known him personally, but he spoke to our souls so well that we all felt like we knew him.  Through Chester, us soldiers knew it was okay to not be like everyone else. We knew that it was okay to be hurting, it was okay to cry, to break. It was okay.  We were going to be okay. His smile was infectious and he brought joy to millions of people. I feared that when we lost him, we would see copy cat deaths by suicide like we did in the early 90’s.  It was this anxious thought that made me jump to twitter and try to reach out to anyone and everyone I could so that they knew they were not alone. If you are reading this…. You are not alone.

I will never turn someone away who is hurting. I will never not listen to someone when they need to talk. Please reach out. I am such a great listener. I will be here for you.  I might not be anything else but listen but please know you can reach out.

Why should we be looked down upon because we are depressed? Why are we turned away as if we’re being over dramatic when we feel anxious? I am anxious, all the time. But I am not different than you. I am still a person. I am still fighting.c44020eed5938145ab9c1e5d7a0a389a