Why did I start writing

I love reading why bloggers started their blog. It is like reading and understanding who they are. A behind the scenes kind of thing.

So I thought that I would write about why I started writing. Almost a year ago.

So when I started experiencing anxiety more frequently for no reason without any insurance to see a shrink, I thought to myself how can I get these thoughts out? How can I talk about it without making anyone uncomfortable? I could write it out in a journal. But then I get issues with my hand hurting from writing by hand too long. Then I stop writing in the journal after time. How can I help get the word out about mental illness? How can I do my part in breaking the stigma?

That is where ThisAnxiousMom came in. I wanted to write about my struggles. Things I like. Things I’ve done. How I handle things. How I could handle things differently and just my life in general as someone who constantly has anxiety and who’s mind NEVER shuts off. I have over 200 followers now which is amazing. I never in my wildest dreams would think that I would have anyone care about anything I say.

So Thank you. All of you. Who take the time out of your busy day to read my blog. To read my struggles. And thank you to those who comment. Those that let me know that I am not alone. Those who send encouragement. Those who just say hi. It means a lot. I have tried to be an open book. I have tried to let each and everyone of you into my thoughts my mind my mental illness. I have always encouraged any of you to share my stories on social media or anywhere. I have all type of share buttons. I have also tried to encourage you to share your own personal stories, struggles or just to say hi.

Well, this is my short reason for why I started writing.  If you’re a blogger, why did you start to write?

The best concert

 

Choosing a favorite concert is extremely hard. I have been fortunate enough to go to so many. It is one of the few things that I can do while being extremely anxious. Being in the big crowds is extremely shaking as well as the awful traffic that we have to go thru to get there. It is extremely awful for me. But the music is my therapy. My first concert was back when I was 14. My brother and his wife took me. It was an amazing concert and a wonderful introduction into the musical world. I saw 10 years, Mudvayne and Korn.

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While Korn was pretty awesome, mudvayne is the one I was looking forward to since I had spent months since finding out I was going studying and focusing on their music. I had never been to a concert before this one and it was pretty amazing for me because it showed me into this whole new world of live entertainment. If I hadn’t had gone to this show, I don’t know if I would have had the balls to branch out to more shows.

My next concert was also with my brother. It was TOOL. They were so phenomenal. It was such a great show that you didn’t even realize you were standing for 3 hours. It was great. However, I didn’t know as many songs by them as my brother did.

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He loved it so much that when they came back thru, he went right back.

My third concert came about when I was around 15 or 16. Again, with my brother and his wife. This was actually a concert that he had chosen for me to take a friend with me. Which was even more amazing. except for the fact that my friend spent most of the concert throwing up and my brother/sister were making out most of the concert. Either way, I still loved the show. We saw breaking seether, breaking benjamin and three days grace.

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Now this was three days grace before the change of the lead singer. This was right after RIOT came out on the radio. Let’s just say, I lost my voice and my calf muscles were on fire from the amount of jumping. It was amazing.

However, my next concert after that was supposed to be the first concert I was supposed to be attending with my husband and we had purchased 2 tickets weeks in advance. Unfortunately, he had to go to work out of state at the time of the concert. Which happened to be right after we got married, it was a rough time. However, I needed to find someone else to go with me. So I choose my other brother, my oldest brother to go with me and we really had a great time. It was the second time that I saw Breaking Benjamin and found a new band called Young Guns. They were quite amazing and actually got a photo with the lead singer.

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I went to this one thing called weenie roast in 2015. I was pregnant and sick pretty much the entire time but it was still amazing. We saw LIVE which as a 90’s kid hearing Lightning Crashes live was pretty amazing. But the thing that I will always remember is seeing Stone Temple Pilots with Chester Bennington live. It was the only time that I was able to see  Chester in person, which kind of made me very sad when I went back to that same venue earlier this week. tumblr_otep7llKxP1tknl59o1_500

Of course the concert I went to right after that was Green Day. They were flipping amazing and the one concert that I had absolutely wanted to go to for a very long time. Who doesn’t love Billie Joe Armstrong. 3648186636d5ae53e2b40d3e5657b51ce800ccc15f5c1d31f6132fec92c09fe1

Two months after Green Day was FOB and I went with my best friend. That’s Fall Out Boy for those who don’t know what it is. Which I don’t know many who don’t know who fall out boy is. That concert was amazing. It was the first concert I went to without a family member. I let loose. I danced like no one was watching. I screamed lyrics like no one was listening. I was free. And I get to go for my birthday this year which makes me so happy.

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So FOB was in November and I haven’t been to another since then until this week. When we got to be apart of the last Vans Warped Tour. Where I got to see Issues. which was a fantastic experience. I was got to see new music and learn of new bands so it was a win win. I have been listening to Issues since we decided that this was a concert we were going to. So since about January. I really enjoy their music.

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However, the one band that I could no wait to see was Simple Plan. I have been listening to them since I’m Just A Kid came out in 2002. I got their autograph and I got a picture with them I was so excited. I was overjoyed. I was jumping and screaming and dancing and in awe If you have never had the chance to see Simple Plan…. I strongly suggest that you do.

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But which is my favorite.  I honestly cannot choose. Each concert holds specific and strong memories for me. Each event marked a special moment in my heart. They each came at a pivotal moment in my life. I wouldn’t trade any of the events I have been to and I honestly cannot say I have a favorite.

How about you? Do you have a favorite concert?

Favorite thing about blogging

There are many blogs on the internet. Way too many than you could possibly read in one single day. And this is one of the reason why I was nervous about starting my own blog. Would anyone read it? Would anyone care about what I had to say? But I took the jump. I started less than a year ago. October-ish to be exact. And in that small time frame….I’ve gained over 200 followers and I am completely baffled how so many of you actually care about what I say. Not that it is a bad thing. What I mean is that I am baffled that I actually have followers. I am the type of person who would never think that anyone would care about what I have to say.

Which is one of the things that I love about blogging. I can say what I want. I can pour my heart out about my situations about my life. About my mental illness. I can get my emotions out there in a format that is available for anyone who wants to read. I am apart of the process to getting mental illness spoken about without any stigma. I know we still have a long way to go. But I am proud to be one of those who actually say’s ‘screw what they say, I am going to put it out there anyway’. Which if you know me…..is a very scary thing for me to do.

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I love that, although I know I should, I don’t have to write here like I am writing a college  paper. I know that if I want to be taken more seriously, I should write better. But here at my blog I can just type what I think and even though it is not written in a professional manner…..It is there.

I love that I have followers who are more than just followers. Every time one of you comments saying things like ‘I completely understand’ or ‘I’ve been there’ etc…. you all have been more than just my followers. You have been a friend. A kind and understanding friend. It truly means a lot to me since I grew up in a small town where if you had a mental illness, you were cast aside.

I love that I can write about everything that is going on in my life. I love that I can share my feelings with the world without being made to feel that I am being over dramatic. Or just too emotional.

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So if you are one the fence about wanting to start a blog. Just know that it can be very rewarding. It can be an emotional escape for you. You may even find people out there who feel the same exact way that you do. It is worth a try. Even if you don’t become one of those successful bloggers who makes a substantial living off blogging….it is still worth the try. It allows you to express yourself.

Sunshine Blogger Award

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Rules

1. Thank the person who nominated you for a blog post and link back to their blog, and a pingback to this post (copy & paste the permalink onto your post).
2. Answer the 11 questions sent by the person who nominated you.
3. Nominate 11 new blogs to receive the award and write them 11 new questions.
4. Display the rules and display the Sunshine Blogger Award logo in your post and/or your blog.

 

Much thanks to Bipolar Barb for nominating me for a Sunshine Blogger Award. I didn’t even know there were such things. It is the small things like this that show me that I am on the right path. That the more we talk about mental health the better chance we have of breaking the stigma. So keep it up guys. I know I will

 

My 11 Questions

  1. Why does the cat got your tongue? usually because I’m trying to be nice
  2. Do you like working on jigsaw puzzles? sometimes
  3. Coffee or tea? Actually depends on the weather. warmer months=tea colder=coffee
  4. Where do you blog (bedroom, living room, coffee shop, etc.)? Bedroom, living room and in the car at the school pick up line
  5. Do you have trouble sleeping? yes, quite often
  6. Bar soap or liquid soap? liquid
  7. Dark chocolate, milk chocolate, or white chocolate? Dark and white
  8. Do you call it soccer or football? Football
  9. Are you a morning person or a night owl? Sometime its both
  10. Would you rather be famous and have a scandal or two, or never be talked about in the media at all? Depends. If I’m famous for talking out about mental health and what the scandal is.
  11. What’s something I would never guess about you uhm since starting my blog I’ve been a pretty open book.

 

My 11 question

  1. Left side or Right of the bed
  2. Would you rather get a text or phone call?
  3. Cooking or eating out?
  4. Are you in the photos or behind the camera
  5. Mountains or Beach, which is your ideal vacation
  6. When was the last time you climbed a tree?
  7. What fictional place would you really like to go?
  8. What is an annoying habit others have?
  9. What would be the most amazing adventure to go on?
  10. What game or movie universe would you really like to live in
  11. What are some small things that make your day better

Now its time for me to nominate 11 bloggers. now these are in no particular order.

  1. itsgoodtobecrazysometimes
  2. Tabatha Seiberg 
  3. revolutionarymusings 
  4. Karen W.
  5. Travis Lee
  6. Lauren
  7. TheFeatheredSleep
  8. Melissa LeGates
  9. Beth

 

What screws us up the most

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When I was a kid… I thought about how I wanted my life to be when I grew up. I had a lot of ideas about how I was not going to live like I did when I was a kid. I knew that when I had kids they would never have to worry about where their next meals were going to come from.  They were never going to know what it was like to sleep in a house with no lights or water… They were never going to have to sleep in an abandoned home. They would always have what they needed. I have a formula for almost everything. Like Christmas is coming up and we do 3 toys, 2 outfits, 1 pj and a book. That is what we do. Then they’ll get some things like bath sets or some small toy from Santa. They work for the things that they want. Like we’re going to go to the arcade soon because they all got really good grades on their report cards. They were not a problem in class and they didn’t speak out. My daughter does chores every day and she gets to use that money to buy things she wants. It teaches her to save her money for something that she wants. And I don’t give a hefty allowance either.

However, many people have this elaborate idea of who they’re going to be. I know I did at one point in time. I thought I would be famous and make lots of money. Yeah Right! Life does not work out that way. I am as much of a nobody today as I was when I was 5 years old. And I understand that. I know where I am in life and I don’t let the idea of what I wanted to be affect me in any way. However, that is not always the case for everyone. There are a lot of people who cannot let go of what they think they should be. How their life should be. They’re holding on to these unattainable dreams and it messes with their heads. What screws us up the most in life, is the image of how our life is supposed to be.

#MentalHealth …. things I wish people knew

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There is such a stigma around mental illness. You can barely even talk about it with anyone. Or the mood kind of changes to the point that most people feel uncomfortable. And why? I mean its happens. Sometimes it is the chemistry of our brains that is different that causes these issues and other times it just severe traumatic events…. For me… I think its both. I’ve always been a little ‘scared’ or cautious… even as a 3 year old who was scared to lose their mom. So I found this list of some things I wish people knew about mental illness.

1.) I am not LAZY

This is like a big pet peeve of mine. I get so annoyed when people dismiss my depression or anxiety as being lazy. For one, when I am depressed… I think what is the point? Why bother getting up? Nothing I do today is going to go right. Like constantly dropping something… it’s just one of those days. (I sometimes feel like telling you guys about my depression will make people think I am a bad mom… I swear I’m not… my girls are the most loved, well taken care of little girls I have ever seen… a day does not go by that I don’t hug them and tell them how much I love them.) Another thing is after an anxiety attack… I feel so drained that all I want to do is lay down. I am thankful that I have such wonderful people in my life that I can call on when I need to recharge. I also read somewhere that having an anxiety attack is as taxing on the human body as running a marathon.

2.) I’m not always confident.

Actually… to tell you the truth.. I am hardly ever confident. I am constantly feeling like someone is judging me.  Maybe because they are… .they usually are. Having a mental illness can make you feel like everyone is watching you even when you’re in a massive crowd.

3.) Sometimes I’m more stable but I’m not cured

Just because some days I seem ok… I seem happy… I seem confident.. or I seem like just another person doesn’t mean that I am somehow cured. I am not.. None of us are…really.. I mean I wish there was some magical cure for a mental illness but theres not. I wish people would know that having a mental illness is like being on a roller coaster constantly. sometimes we’re level and we’re having fun and then we hit the double loopty loop and you’re freaking out.

4.) I have bad days…even with meds

So… I am currently not medicated… and that comes from an insurance problem. It is a long story. But even for that little bit of time that I was medicated.. I still had my bad days. Just because someone with a mental illness is medicated doesn’t mean they’re not going to have a bad day.

5.) It hurts when you’re ashamed of my diagnosis

It does. I mean I feel like you’re ashamed of me for having issues. Like somehow I am wrong or not worthy of love because I have these problems

6.) Don’t say ‘it could be worse’

Please don’t…. usually this will only make my anxiety higher and I start to think of how it really might be worse… you’re putting ideas in my head…. Plus.. while this might not be real to you… it is very real to me..

7.) I know who my support team is and I love you

I have a wonderful husband and mom who understand that things can be difficult for me at times… I might end up organizing the house a hundred times in one day because it soothes my anxiety… and then those days that I just need to recharge. my mom will come help with the girls so I can take a rest…. I once slept for 14 hours because I didn’t take the time to recharge. If you have any issues… please have a support team. It is important.

 

So guys…. what are some of the things you wish people knew about mental illness….

#Relationships and #Anxiety

I use a lot of these, and people use some of these on me and they seem to work

Having a sturdy, healthy relationship with anyone can be a beneficial thing to have when you have anxiety. Having that one person that is there… that can help you.. that can pull you out of that dark place can be amazing.  When I say relationship… I don’t mean just a relationship with a significant other… Relationships could mean your mom…you brother/sister or even your best friend.  It is vitally important for someone suffering anxiety or depression to have that one person that never judges….and always understands.

I sometimes like to scroll thru Pinterest just to pass the time. There are things that others have posted from Tumblr or other sites. That is when I found the picture from above. And I thought… hey this I can write about and just possibly explain why these are important. This way if you have someone in your life that suffers from anxiety.. you can learn a few comforting words that might help. Alright. Here we go….

 

“It’s ok, I’m here”

Knowing that someone is there for you is very important. With anxiety…it can sometimes feel like we’re all alone in this world. Having that one person that is there for you and never judges and is willing to try to help you pull out of that dark place is very important. This should always be the go to phrase when someone you love is having one of those days.

“I’m not going to leave you”

Ah yes. With anxiety we sometimes feel alone. Or at least I do. I have quoted the line from One Tree Hill all the time…. ‘people always leave’ Therefore, when someone like my husband sticks it out and puts up with all my anxious crap and continues to tell me that he will not leave. it is a little reassuring. and allows me to center myself.

“Everything is ok” 

Yeah.. this one phrase is not my favorite. To me, saying everything is ok is like telling me its all in my head. Because at that moment…everything is not ok.. This might work for your anxiety…but it doesn’t work for mine.

“I’m going to protect you”

That is sweet. As someone who suffers from anxiety.. I think it is sweet that someone is willing to protect me from my demons even if I am the only one who battles my demons. But anxiety is so draining. When you go thru an anxiety attack it is as if you have ran a marathon. It is tiring. All I want to do is sleep but I can’t.

“I believe in you”

Considering that there is all of this stigma about mental health. Especially anxiety disorders. I have heard that I am making things up. I am wanting attention. I am a cry baby. It’s all in my head. I can pray it away. I just need to stop thinking like that. Its not real. etc… it is quite annoying. However, to hear someone stop and say hey.. I believe in you. I know your demons are real. I know this is something that is actually happening and I believe in you to beat this. If your significant other or friend or family member suffers from a mental illness… BELIEVE IN THEM

“Hear my heartbeat, focus on that”

This is something that can help someone be pulled out of an attack. This isn’t a technique that I have thought of trying. However, I just might have too.

“You’ll be alright”

I know that there is more to that quote. However, the first part kind of makes me upset. I know that it shouldn’t. I know that they’re just trying to help. But it is kind of like being told hey cry baby you’ll be alright.

“You’re not going to lose me”

I find this one to be very significant. Know that the person who understands you. who never judges you. who is always there for you isn’t going to leave. That is an amazing feeling.

There are many more of these amazing ways to help someone with anxiety. If you have someone in your life who suffers from anxiety…take a look at these sayings. Maybe these can help you help your loved one.

The picture below details just a small amount of what being in a relationship with someone who has anxiety is like. This is something I feel is true. There are days where I just want to be alone. There are times that we’re out with friends or even family and something happens and I just want to go home. There are days where I just want to lay in bed (but it never happens. I am a mom…. I have to take care of my girls. and I do. I have learned how to put my fears aside to ensure that they are well taken care of. I don’t understand why people believe that anyone with anxiety are bad parents. We’re not.. we just ‘worry’ more)

 

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Well guys…let me know what you think

What is #Anxiety???

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This is possibly the most accurate description of what feeling like anxiety is like. Unfortunately, I have this feeling at least 98% of the day.

What is funny is that when the seat belt locks up on me.. I literally freak out. Pulling on it trying to get free, getting frustrated and angry.

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Overthinking is a big part of my anxiety. It is also why I can’t sleep. So I figured if I am going to have a blog that deals with anxiety I might as well be brutally honest right? So here we go.

Second Guess everything.

Did I run that stop light? Did I do a rolling stop? OMG is that cop going to do a U turn and pull me over? Is the chicken completely done? Did I show my daughters enough love today? Did I give them enough boundaries? Did I hurt my mom’s feelings with that comment? Should I have said that? Second guessing is like second nature to me. I pretty much think I don’t do anything right so I have to double check. Because well I just suck.

Analyze things to death

Yeah.. that part about me sucking comes from analyzing everything more than God ever intended it to be analyzed. Seriously. Someone once told me I have an analytical brain. I thought that sounded really cool and that it made me cool. Yeah. That’s not how this thing called anxiety works. Analytical only means that I think a lot and over analyze things way too much.

Expect The Worst

OMG Just reading that statement I can already tell it was written just for me. A lot of people say that I am an overly protective parent. That’s true but because I expect the worse. At a Halloween thing I went to there was all kinds of things just sitting around. Big heavy wood or metal things with sharp edges. My daughter and her best friend (her cousin) were chasing each other around in circle and in my head all I could see is one of them fall face first into one of these items and busting their head open. I know that sounds like really bad of me to say but I cannot help it. So I tell them not to run around those items. I have them run in an open area that is grass and I worry about spiders or snakes (thankfully its getting cold) So I don’t really like them running in grass either. I am terrified of snakes. deathly afraid of snakes and if one bit me or my girls I would probably have a heart attack.

Have Insomnia 

Well as you can tell from when this post was published. I don’t sleep very well. at all. Pretty much ever. I wish I did. I want to sleep. But sometimes my head just thinks about things over and over and over. I make lists for groceries or what bills need to be paid more than once to make sure I got everything right. I clean when I can’t sleep. Organizing things helps when I am anxious. What is sleep? Is it nice?

Hate making decisions, would rather someone make them for you

I hate hate hate hate having to make a decision. Usually because it takes a very long time for me to actually decide. I have to weigh the pros and cons. I have to make a list. I have to get peoples opinion. I think the only decision that I made without any help was when I decided to go back to school. And then I was too afraid to tell anyone.

Regret Often

Pretty much. I am a helping person. I have helped many people. and this isn’t just some way for me to gloat about what I’ve done. Because I completely feel bad that I regret spending all my money or time helping someone when they don’t want to help themselves. I regret buying myself something. Like I need pants I literally only have 3 jeans that fit comfortable. I am fat. I know this. I am trying to lose weight. It just isn’t working. So when I bought those 3 pairs of jeans I completely regretted it. I could’ve spent that money on bills, food or my girls. I don’t do well with spending money on me or having someone else spend money on me.

Can’t let things go/ Take things personally

This is pretty much the root of my arguments with my husband. I hold on to things way too long. Longer than I ever mean to. I promise I won’t do it but then that voice in my head goes….well you remember that one time and then it’s all I can think about. I also take things way too personally. Unfortunately, my husband cannot pick with me too much because I take it offensively or get hurt. I also take it personally if he picks around or jokes with another female because it comes across as flirting when he really doesn’t mean to. He’s an only child and didn’t learn things as easily or as completely as others like the actual way to flirt rather than joking around.

  Criticize yourself

This is me. 100% all day. everyday. I know it makes others upset about how I talk about myself. I am fat. I know I am. According to the weight chart I am way over fat. I used to be skinnier. I wish I could get back to that. I don’t have the best teeth. That comes from a freak accident with my niece and a broken arm. I am not pretty. My face could be skinnier. My hair doesn’t do anything special. It’s not super straight and its not curly. It just sits there and gets knotted. I am not the best mom. I fuss at my kids. I could be better. But I am not. Everyday I criticize something that I have or have not done.

Never 100% Certain/ feel tense

If you asked me if we should go left or right… I wouldn’t be able to give you an answer. I don’t know which is the correct way. You ask me for a percentage.. its going to be 95%. I am always tense. I am always prepared to leave. I am always waiting to leave and I am always depending on my husband to provide a little bit of relief. Anxiety sucks.

Feel like you can’t turn your brain off

If you haven’t learned anything from this post, you should understand that I cannot ever turn my brain off. I wish I could be like some of those people who can sit there and not think. What does it feel like to have no thoughts at all?

 

So thank you for listening to this long rant so early in the morning. If you see anything on the list that you can relate to. Let me know. Lets start the discussion on anxiety. Lets break the stigma around mental illness. I look forward to hearing from you.

 

 

#Anxiety… Tips for a relationship (maybe)

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Although I personally hate repeating myself, especially when I have told my daughter to pick up her shoes before someone trips for the thousand time. There are some things that I like to have repeated. Well not like. I need.

The sad thing is. I come across as such a bitch all the time. Because I am afraid. Because I am always asking the same thing over and over. Because I want to know what is going on. Because I feel like someone is talking about me even when I am listening to the same conversation. I don’t know why. It just seems like they’re using some type of code to talk about me. It doesn’t help that these people my husband was friends with started all of these awful rumors about me. Even tho my husband has told them off and they’re no longer friends, they still run their mouth about me or stare me down if I am in the same area as them. They have even made comments about my kids and how they wish they could see them. Like I am in the wrong somehow for not letting them (they are bad people. like a leech. they literally suck the life…and finances out of people) be in my kids life. They also don’t understand the importance of kids having boundaries and respect. But I am getting off subject. Well sort of. They did not help my anxiety in my relationship in the beginning of things. They are a total different subject that I don’t like to get into because well lets just say…I get angry.

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This photo explains pretty much how being in a relationship with anxiety is all about. I know that it says its called relationship anxiety. However, my relationship isn’t the only part that I am anxious over. I am anxious all the time. It’s also not just with my husband that I do these things.

As a momma’s girl, I worry about my moms health. Is she ok? Did she make it home ok? I worry about her driving. I worry about her going to the store alone. I mean her knee gave out on her once. What if it happens in the store and she’s alone. Would someone help her up? Or would they rob her? I worry about my husband taking my daughter to the bathroom in public. You know where he stands outside the womens room. What if he turns for one second and she disappears? What if someone in the bathroom harms her? I literally cannot begin to tell you how much I fear on a day to day basis. Sometimes it is unbearable and I just stay at home and cry. It is awful. I worry about getting into a car accident when me and my husband go somewhere alone in the same car. Who would take care of our girls?

What do I do? well for one… my mom texts me every time before she comes to my house to let me know she is in the car. She texts me when she gets home in the evening and we pretty much text all day until we go to bed. I run all of the errands for her that she doesn’t have to. (Yes I go and run the errands alone even tho it makes me anxious to be in the car. I’d rather it just be me in a car accident to even begin to think about my mom or daughters in my car.) I take her to the store so that I know she is okay. I ask my husband to find the family bathrooms so that he can go in with our daughter. When I am with her in the public restrooms she is no farther than an arms length away from me. I try to ensure that I will always be able to grab her if something happens. We have talked about public safety and the importance of having a secret word. We’ve talked about stranger danger and that you need to make a scene if someone grabs you. Like screaming thats not my mommy or thats not my daddy. Anything that will bring attention to yourself….

There are many weeks where I have gone on about 4 hours of sleep a night. I sit here and worry or over think things. I know that I have provided some posts about how to do things when it comes to anxiety. Tips that might help. Unfortunately, this is a personal post. This is me sharing just a little bit of my personal fears with you. Maybe you’ll feel a little comfortable to share a little bit of your fears with me. Do you have a way to turn your brain off? How do you combat insomnia? I look forward to hearing from you.

#anxiety … Its time for something personal

Well as a part of my thank you to my followers. Yeah I know. I haven’t hit a big number of followers but the ones I do have are important and no one can ever change that. So, I was requested to post a personal diary story.

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As a mom with anxiety disorder, things get hard. And no, I don’t mean in any way that would physically harm anyone. My brother was/is a cutter…I won’t go down that road… I do have a high pain tolerance (all natural births both times) however I’m not the type of person who want to test my tolerance.

When I say hard I mean I go thru times where I don’t feel good enough. I stay at home.

The mornings start with my husband leaving for work. Is he going to be late? Did I not hear the alarm to make sure hes up? I sleep too much. I’m not doing my part. I’m not good enough.

After he leaves I start getting things ready for the day. Pull out meat so i can cook dinner and pack kids lunches. Did I remember the spoon? Did I take the crust off the sandwhich? Will this fill them up? Is this what they wanted to eat today? I’m not good enough.

Now comes the part of waking my daughter up so we can get ready for school to pick up my nephews. Am I helping enough? Did I yell at her? Was I too mean? Is my youngest feeling left out? I’m not good enough.

In the car I hear the kids talking…on days like these I’m usually lost in my head. Did I run the light? Did I stop long enough at the stop sign? Then one of the kids asks if I will come eat lunch with them….sometimes its hard to gather the energy to be in a loud room full of kids. Am I there for the kids enough? I’m not good enough.

Getting back home with my toddler usually consists of more picking up. Do I clean enough? Fixing myself and the baby some breakfast. Is she getting the proper nutrtion? Then it’s getting her ready for nap time. I’m not good enough.

While she naps I try to get some school work done. Maybe edit some photos. Wishing that I had the courage to go out and take photos without constantly needing someone with me. I’m not good enough.

Nap times over. Time to clean the baby up. Diapers and clothes changed etc. Then its time to make the baby some lunch. Does she know how much I love her and her sister? I’m not good enough

Time to get the kids from school. This consists of sitting in the car line for an hour to and hour and a half. Once the kids get in the car, do I make enough small talk? Am I asking the right questions about their day? I’m not good enough.

Time to help my daughter with her homework, clean again, give baths and cook dinner. Am I providing enough boundries? Am I giving them enough independence? I’m not good enough.

Luckily, this isn’t an every day occurrence. It does happen. I feel like no matter what I do I’m not good enough. I’m not a good enough mom because I sometimes yell/fuss at my kids. I’m not a good enough wife because I’m usually exhausted by the time he comes home and not loving enough. I’m not a good enough aunt because I keep putting off eating lunch.

Some days. Im just not good enough. And I know people will tell me things like get over it. Hey! you cannot tell me how to feel. Ever! Feelings are something personal. You’re not going to feel the exact same way as I do so you can’t tell me how to feel.

So here’s my persinal entry on how sometimes I don’t feel good enough.