Days that make you

 
Life is hard. It doesn’t matter if you’re a mom, a young mom, a dad. Have mental illness. Or anything else. Life is always going to be hard. not all the time but there are going to be moments in your life that are just harder than others. But those days that are really hard, are the days that make you.

As a mom who had kids at a very young age, first one being born right before I turned 20, and a sufferer of anxiety, life tends to seem harder than not… Or at least the anxiety disorder would make me feel like its extremely hard. You know the saying, make a mountain out of a mole hill. Thats what my brain does. It makes a mountain out of a mole hill. Every single time.

I have a hard time accepting the fact that these are the days that teach me something. And if I look at it as a lesson learned…..then I won’t feel broken as often. The days that seem the hardest are the ones that make us. There are many days that I feel broken. beaten. bruised. just want to give up. don’t want to get out of bed. just want to sleep….

But as a mom…. I have to. I have to remember there are two beautiful amazing kids who depend on me every single moment of the day. Well not actually my 7 year old doesn’t need me as much anymore. She’s wildly independent. But there are moments she still needs me.

For instance, the other day. I just wanted to sit in the corner and cry. Bawl my eyes out and cry. My lawn mower had snapped a belt. And lowe’s didn’t have it. I could order it from Sears….but they were out of stock…. I had finally found on at Tractor Supply and had crawled my fat behind under the lawn mower and changed the belt…..but it still woudn’t start. It wasn’t even turning over. No click nothing. So I went and spent 32 dollars on a new batter thinking maybe the whole mower just wasn’t getting any juice because of the battery. So I go to the store… I live in the country…it takes a good 10 minutes to drive to the big Walmart…. got it put in and guess what…. still wouldn’t start…. UGH… Then I go inside and cannot get on the computer. Can’t watch Netflix or Youtube because my internet is out AGAIN!!! and I can’t seem to get it fixed. It was like everything was crashing at once…

But, instead of losing my cool… I went to the grocery store and bought stuff to make mini Taco Pizza’s for my husbands wrestling class. Like I told one of his buddies…. I was cooking thru my anxiety. It helps. I don’t know the exact words to describe why it helps. I let it go for the day. Let my brain work thru everything. I got the computer back to working and all of that the next day. Later that evening… I went back to work on the mower…. Turns out, one of the spark plugs had blown. And I had fixed that. We got it working…until my husband went to mow the front yard which was really high and something else went wrong. Big white cloud of smoke and mower is down again. But thats another days hassle.

 

There’s reason why there’s the saying ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ even your worst day will make you stronger.

In a mood

 

Sometimes, you’re just in a mood.
The funny thing about mental health that no one really discusses is that, you don’t really need a reason to have episodes.
For instance…. Some days, I can just wake up and be in a ‘mood’.

For no reason at all either.

It is completely strange too. Cause I just don’t feel good enough. I feel worthless. I feel awful. I feel like I am doing nothing good in my life. In my family. That I am a bad person. That I am too fat. Too ugly. That I spend too much. That I don’t bring anything good to the table. And these are just thoughts that are in my head on these awful days. I don’t act on them. I don’t show them to the world. I don’t let them affect my kids. I am great at putting on a brave face and making sure that my kids don’t ever see that side. That they’re not traumatized by it.

Then there are days where I am just…. to put it simple, scared.

I am scared about not being able to provide a great life for my kids. I am scared that my iron is going to get to low. That my anxiety is going to rub off on my kids. That I am just not ever going to be good enough.

Now, I have been writing about things that cause me to be like that…. But there are some days where nothing causes it. that it just happens.

And that is the funny thing about mental illness, there doesn’t have to be any specific event to cause you to just be bleh.

Out of a bad mood

So with a mental illness like anxiety, your moods can kind of switch really fast and sometimes well most of the time you’re in a bad mood.

So how do you get out of the bad mood?

For me. I watch youtube videos. I sing. I dance around. Green Day is a great band to listen to when you just need to jump around. Which makes your bad mood kind of disappear.

But I mean I don’t just turn it on and instantly drop my mood. No it takes time. It takes a process. it takes a few videos. But with Green Day…. I usually get out of the mood pretty fast. sometimes.

Another thing is watching my favorite bands be just like everyone else. We see them as celebrities and for some reason society holds them to this higher standard so when I see Pete Wentz do something silly it makes me smile. Or Brendon Urie. Or even Patrick Stump.

My last bad mood was because of 2 seperate anxiety attacks within 5 hours of eachother that when I got home I just started surfing youtube and found a video of Patrick Stump performing Uma Thurman on the acoustic guitar. He did the Munster part and I was in awe. Like I need to pick up a guitar again just so I can learn that. He doesn’t need autotune and is so flipping talented. I mean, I feel like the MANIA album was a testament to the vocal capabilities that is Patrick Stump.

When I am in a bad mood, I force myself even if I don’t want to, to play with my kids. Because kids do the darndest things. They can be so flipping cute sometimes even if they drive you bonkers.

So how do you guys get out of a bad mood???