Their inner voice

The way that we talk to our kids becomes their inner voice. This is true for all kids. They don’t have to be your kids per say. They could be your younger sibling, your cousin or a kid that you’re babysitting. And that voice stays with them into their adult life. It essentially defines who they are going to be. Or how they are going to hold themselves.

I know this is true. I live it. Every single day. And it is a struggle to get that voice out of my head. Especially in regards to my appearance…more so my weight.

You see, I grew up poor. We didn’t have a lot of food a lot of the time. Now its called food insecurity. So my favorite snack ould be a slice of bread because bread can be cheap and we usually had a loaf lying around the kitchen. However, anytime that my oldest brother saw me eating a slice of bread….he would say ‘you’re going to get fat’. Every Single Time.

That voice became my life. I am fat. But that isn’t from lack of trying to lose weight. I got to the gym. I eat semi healthy. I am active. As much as I can be since that one car accident has left lasting effects on my body. However, instead of looking at my curves thinking ‘hey I am thick’ or ‘Hey I have a nice shape’ I look in the mirror and think I am fat.

This stems from my father always calling my oldest brother an idiot That became his inner voice. So he learning that lashing out like this was okay from his father, he decided that (even without meaning to) it would be okay to pass this behavior down to his younger siblings. Now my other brother never got along with our brother, so he never endured this ‘voice’. However, I am the mediator between the two of them so I have a relationship with both. And because I love both of my brothers….. I have this voice inside my head that says I am fat. Even after the birth of my first daughter, I dropped downto a size 7….the smallest I have ever been in my adult life. I still looked into the mirror and thought that I was fat.

I have two daughters of my own as well as two nephews who I see Monday thru Friday like clockwork. I don’t want my insecurities….my inner voice to become theirs. That is why I try so hard to pass on positive things to them. Positive messages. My oldest nephew loves to draw. Every single time he shows me a drawing, even if it isn’t perfect, I tell him that it is awesome. That he is doing a good job. That he should keep it up. I cannot draw. I have told him that on numerous occasions. However, the fact that he can look at a movie character and then draw it out, even if it is not perfect, it pretty impressive to me and I feel that it is only right that he hear positive feedback. I understand that yes, criticism is an effective way to get better. However, we don’t need to be negatively criticising others. For instance, I could say ‘hey bud, his arm is looking a little weird, have you tried drawing it this way’. A comment that wouldn’t harmfully affect his mental state. However, saying things like ‘you can’t draw’ or ‘you should give that up already’ can have a negative effect.

I know this all too well too because I hear that voice all the time. I am a nit picker. A perfectionist. And when I cannot get something perfect, I think I am no good at anything. It is a spiriling cirlce. I know that there are so many people on Facebook and Twitter who are saying that we are rasing a bunch of sissy’s because we’re not telling them like it is. Instead we’re ‘handling them like glass’. Yes, I agree. To a certain extent. This upcoming generation is taking everything way too seriously. They are getting offended by almost everything. Like I read that they’re trying to get Baby Its cold outside taken off the radio station because it goes against the Me Too movement. However, If you pay attention to the lyrics and the time period that it was written, you will see that he’s not trying to take advantage of her. Instead, shes trying to stay. She wants to stay but the social norm of the time period says that she cannot. Because they are not married. So she’s basically saying hey I cannot drink and drive I would like to stay with you.

I’m sorry, I went off on a tangent. It is a difficult task not to say what you think. Especially if you think it is what your kid needs to hear. The early stages up until their teenage years are very critical. The way we talk and treat them are going to be reflected in their own minds. They will then reflect this behaviour out onto the world.

Take care of yourself

Being a parent is by far one of the greatest things anyone can do. Now that doesn’t mean that everyone should be a parent. And I’m not saying that as a bad thing. Not everyone wants kids and that is fine. Because they know that they wouldn’t make good parents. However, that moment when you first hold your kid, at least for me, was the greatest moments of my life. I was 19 when my first daughter was born. The moment they laid her on my chest, I knew that being is a mother was one of the best things I could ever do.

 

While being a parent is by far one of the best things that could happen to you in your lifetime, it can be draining. Especially when the kids are younger. And especially when you suffer from a mental illness. With my anxiety, I fear all of the little and big things alike. It is like they are the same level of bad. A fall, a scrape etc. And these moments can be so draining. If you don’t have anxiety and have never experienced an anxiety/panic attack then you don’t understand how utterly draining they are.

As much as you want to keep trucking and pushing along for your kid because they need you. You are their everything. You cannot give them the best that they need, you cannot keep giving your all if you’re not at your best. It is like the saying ‘you cannot fill from an empty cup’ The same concept goes into being a parent.

Now there are some who think that if you’re taking some ‘me time’ then you are neglecting your parental duties. That is absolutely rubbish. If you keep giving your all to your kids without taking care of yourself, soon your kids are going to feel it. They’re gonna start reacting to it as well.

So you have to take care of yourself. You just have to. For the good of your family. Just a little bit a day can do so much for you. For your anxiety, for your relationship, for your family. Everyone benefits from you recharging. The best analogy I can give is your cell phone. At 100% its an amazing thing. It calls texts social media EVERYTHING. But once that battery gets down to 10% it starts to lag, slow down. Soon its dead. The battery has been completely used up and you cannot use it anymore. That is what it is like as a parent. If you don’t recharge then you’re not going to be of any use.

For me, I recharge by taking a long shower or a relaxing bath. My husband comes home and takes over some of the parental duties while I go and just digress. I relax. I recharge. I emerge clean and mentally refreshed.

So take some time to recharge. Everyone benefits from it.

I feel weird

Okay so the other day I decided to do a test run for some fudge that I am planning on sending to my husband’s first show. My anxiety is like you need to make sure this turns out ahead of time instead of it failing the day of.

So I of course go to the store and buy everything that I need. Come home and start to make it. However this calls for me to roll the fudge into individual circles right before it hardens. Its white chocolate fudge with jack skellington face drawn on. Its almost Halloween the show is just a few days before Halloween So I thought that it would be a great idea.

Unfortunately I have issues. Like major big time issues. Once I start rolling the fudge… It starts sticking to my hands and my fingers and I have almost a complete meltdown. I hurry to the sink and stand there washing my hands over and over for 5 minutes. My mom is over and she was at the sink when I asked her to move and I am pretty sure she is concerned about me now.

But this isn’t the first time like this has happened and I have done a fantastic job of making sure very few people have seen my freak outs. Its to the point that I cannot out my hand in sink water that’s been left sitting for a period of time or touch anything slimey. Also if gloves or socks are too tight I spazz because it feels like they are constricted.

I never knew what this meant. I just thought I was a weird person. That is until I was talking to my best friend about my freak out and she told me its called sensory processing disorder. Her and her autistic son have it. So now I finally have a name for the thing that makes my skin crawl and a panic attack ensue. But I still feel weird

Say no

 

I think that when you suffer from a mental illness, you know how bad things can get. Therefore, you try even harder to make sure no one else gets that way. Or at least that is the case for me. I know how bad mental illness can get so I suffer from a ‘superhero complex’ and try to help EVERYONE. All the time. My husband says that I am always too nice. that I do things for others without being asked. Like making food for his training class. 4 weeks in a row. without being asked.
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but sometimes…. people see that kindness in you….and they exploit it. they take advantage and use the best way that they know how to exploit your sympathetic bones. Sob stories. Guilt trips. You name it….there are some people who see that you are a helpful person and they will constantly use you until you are bone dry. I actually knew some people, they were my husbands friends not mine…at all….who get everything from cars, food, clothes etc from begging others. They drain you dry. I remember them calling my husband the day he got paid or the weekend after he got paid asking for 200 bucks to pay their light bill…because they cannot keep a job….well the husband can’t keep a job, the wife refuses to work.

They dried everyone up around them……
There are so many people out there like that…. and they will leech off of you until you are down to absolutely nothing….

And it is okay to say no.
Like you do not have to give everything you have to someone who won’t even help themselves. How can you truly help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves? You can’t. Honestly… you can’t…until they are ready to help themselves…..they will constantly be leeching off of you until you’re worse than they are…..

So….if you’re anything like me…you’ll need to learn how to say no without explaining yourself….. you don’t have to explain to anyone why you are saying no to anyone. I think the only people that I explain my actions to are my husband, my kids (I explain why we say no) and my mom.

But if there is someone in your life that has leeched off of you….. or constantly bugging you to do something with or for them… you can say no….without explaning yourself…

There’s a difference

 

I’m not mad I’m hurt theres a difference

I have ‘anger’ issues. Not in the sense that I need an anger management class. But in the sense that I am overly emotional…. I feel way too much, way too hard. But I also have a ‘resting bitch face’ so when something is on my mind. I looked pissed off. When I have a war inside my head. Where I am fighting my anxious self and trying to keep my cool. Where I am trying to not go into an anxiety attack…. I always look mad.

But I am seldom mad. I am more hurt than anything else. There is a difference. When I am mad… I am mad. I am angry. But even if I look mad…. I might not be mad. I might be hurt and trying to not say anything. Trying to not cause whatever it is to get worse.

I am usually hurt. I am so emotional….. So I get hurt a lot.

Having anxiety and depression makes me feel things on a deeper level…. or at least I think so….

So….. I try to bring in personal issues or stories to relate to what topic I am writing….. Well.. I actually had something that happened recently that made me feel hurt but came across as being mad.
As I have stated, my husband is training to be a wrestler. The promotion that he is training with had a show this past weekend. And the trainee’s usually go to help set up before the show and stay to help take down after the show…..the last one, I went to…. This one was an hour and half away from home. So it was going to be a very long day…. I told my husband that I would go with him if he wanted me to but he would need to make the decision. He stated that he would want me there but he wasn’t going to force me to go. So I told him that the final decision would be on him. This was 2 days before the event. two days go by and its the morning of the event….my husband is getting ready… I am still waiting on an answer. Am I going? Am I driving? What is going on? I don’t want to be like ‘hey yeah I’m going with you to an event with your group because I’m just an overbearing person who has to be glued to you 24/7’ NO I wasn’t going to. So I waited and waited and waited…..he said nothing. Except ‘I guess I’ll be going’ Like no…don’t put this on me that you’re going to an event alone. I told you to make the decision on if I was going or not… you didn’ t make a choice so I didn’t get ready.

And my husband thinks I was mad….i wasn’t… I’m not. I am more hurt than anything because I waited and waited for my husband to say anything. It isn’t like he has never said ‘go with me’ or ‘go next time’ to me before. With no problem. But for some reason now is an issue….

So he spent the entire day at the event…without me….and I spent the day at home….sad…hurt….in bed….emotional. It was not a good day. But I wasn’t mad. I wasn’t mad at him for me not going for him not talking for no conversation taking place….. I was hurt. I was hurt that I waited for two days waiting for him to make a decision. to say anything. and that he just didn’t say a word. I’m not meaning that we didn’t talk at all for 2 days. No…we did….and I would remind him that a decision needed to be made …. for 2 days…. Thats what hurt me. I felt like he was ignoring it….ignoring me…. ignoring the situation because maybe he just didn’t want to me there..(that wasn’t the case) but it’s how I felt.

There is a difference between being mad and feeling hurt. Understanding the two feelings is extremely important if you’re dealing with someone who suffers with anxiety….
🙂

Nothing in return

 

If you do everything with a good heart, without expecting anything in return…. you will be less disappointed. I was alway taught that you get what you put out. What that means is that if you put good vibes into the world, you’ll get good vibes back.

Karma is what some call it. Or like Justin Timberlake’s song……What goes around comes around. Therefore, if you do everything in your life without the expectation of getting something in return….then somewhere down the line…. good will come back to you. However, you shouldn’t do everything with the thought that ‘hey I am going do this nice thing for this person so that it will bring me good fortune.’

That is how I try to live my life. Now I am far from perfect. Way way way far from perfect. So far I can’t even see the word anymore…. But I try to do unto others as I woud want to be treated. I actually suffer from what I call superhero complex….. I want to fix everyone. I go out of my way to help everyone.. or at least I try. I have mentioned before that I have gone broke helping two seperate people. But when I know that I can help someone, I do so without saying ‘if I do this for you, whatare you going to do for me’

Now if you have this type of mindframe…..I cannot guarantee that you will never be disappointed…. Cause I have been disappointed quite a lot. But not because I did something for them…. I get disappointed because even tho I am helping them they make bad decisions that get them into more crap. Like If they text me and ask for money to pay for a bill to keep lights on for their kids or something Or food or something that I feel is a necessity and I see that they instead use that money to do something stupid like buy a new phone or get nails done. I feel used and disappointed and mad.

But I am working on it. I am working on having a good heart and by not be as gullible as I have been. There is a difference between having a good heart and a helping hand and then being gullible and being taken advantage of…..

Change the end

 

You can’t change the beginning of a story… But you can change the end

I had a rough childhood. Not as rough as some and my brothers like to think that I had it easy because I was spoiled. I have explained to so many people that my spoiled was completely different than normal. I grew up on food stamps. Once a month, I would be able to get whatever cereal and name brand drinks. My brothers had to do odd jobs like raking leaves to help pay the bills. I didn’t because I was under 10 years old. I did however have to do my oldest brothers chores beacuse he was a douche who like to bully his younger siblings. I also had to do his long division homework when I was in the third grade because he just didn’t want to do it. I had to write his essays or spell check his homework. But both my brothers left home by the time they were 16-17. I didn’t. In fact, my mom has been a constant part of my life. We have been homeless in an abandoned house together.

I cannot change any of that. I wish I could. I wish I could have changed things so my mom wouldn’t feel the way she did when she couldn’t provide for us the way she had hoped. But I can’t.

I can, however, change my now. Change the end. And change where I am going.

You cannot change how you were raised. Where you were raised. How things were in the past. But don’t let that stop you from changing where you are going. If you’re not happy with how things are right now. You have the power to change it. You may not have the financial means to significantly change things. But you can change your outlook. You can change the way you see things. You can work on having a better attitude. Instead of waking up with the I don’t wanna work attitude or just a bad attitude in general. You can wake up and set a happy goal for the day. You can wake up and do something that makes you happy before having to go to work. For instance, when I worked at a call center. I used to love the job until the director left and we got a new one who was not the best person in the world. She always seemed to not like me and it made me resent my job. I would be upset every day I had to work. I would take any opportunity to leave early that was offered. However, the days where I got up extra early and was able to go get a frozen mocha. The caffeine and sugar delicious would make me feel a little better. I would blast some music on the way to work and I would start the day off in a good mood.

I don’t like my weight and I haven’t for a very long time. I was in a car accident when I was pregnant with my second child. This put a lot of pain on my body and I was practically on bedrest the whole pregnancy. I gained a lot of weight and it has been very hard to get rid of it. I cannot change the fact that I was on bed rest. I cannot change the fact that I gained a lot of weight during my last pregnancy. But what I can change….is today…tomorrow….next week. By eating right. Eating more veggies. Watching what I eat. And going to the gym. My husband and I have decided that going to the gym twice a week is a great start. Going slow. I have bad ankles and a bad knee from injuries from when I was younger. my hips and back are messed up from the wreck. Therefore, slow and steady wins the race. I can slowly build up the muscles in these areas so that I can gradually build up my endurance and then I can start losing weight….the right way. I can change the end of my story. And I choose to start today. Are you ready to change your story?