Remember about you

One thing that I hate from my anxiety is that I am constantly worrying and afraid about death. Not just my own death but others around me like my mom. I am completely afraid of losing my mom. I know she’s in her 60’s and it just terrifies me and I am completely afraid of how will I go on when that time comes. But I also worry about my death. Especially since the doctors thought that I might have had cancer when I was pregnant with my youngest. I kept telling them that I had a sinus infection and I was consuming dairy even though I have a small allergy to said dairy products. But they didn’t think that was the cause of my white blood cell count being high and for two months they had me scared that I had had cancer and that thought made me afraid of dying. of leaving my kids alone with their dad who would not be completely capable of raising two girls on his own because he doesn’t know everything about girls being an only child himself it would be hard for him. And I think that fear of dying has caused me to keep two journals for my girls kind of retelling their life from now. And how I feel about them and how I love watching the grow and everything. So that if anything ever did happen to me….they would have the memories in these books.

So, what would I want everyone to remember about me? That I did everything I could for my friends and family. That I was there for everyone that I could have. That I gave everything my all. That I was willing to step out of my comfort zone for the ones I loved. That I tried.

Honestly, that is all I want people to remember is that I tried. I gave myself to everything that I could. That I tried my hardest at everything I set my heart on. That I wasn’t a quitter. That I never let the anxiety control my entire life. That I constantly tried to make sure that I could attempt anything even with my anxiety being the evil little devil it always has been.

What do you want to be remembered about.

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My goals

Having anxiety, or at least for me, it makes me think ahead and overthink every single thing. For instance… I typically meal plan for a month at a time. I will know what I am going to cook tomorrow and next thursday because I plan out dinners and make out a list and buy everything that is needed for those dinners at one time. I know… It is a little crazy.

So with that being said….. I like to list out my goals, my bills…upcoming events… pretty much everything. I have liss for pretty much everything. I know how much my bills are this month….next month.. how much money is going towards bills out of the next paycheck.

So what are my goals….long term…short term.

Short term goals is always to make sure all of the bills get paid. I grew up with a single mom…sometimes she didn’t have the money to pay every single bill every single month so sometimes we didn’t have water or we didn’t have lights or we went without food. It is not something that I want my kids to ever experience. It was a rough time.

My long term goals…those are a little more complex and they don’t just include me. I want my crafting business to get up and running to the point that it is making me a stable income. I also want to get my sewing better. To the point that I can make wrestling gear into a viable income. I also want to get my photography skills in tip top shape to the point that I am hired to shoot wrestling events as well as promotional shots. I want to get my husbands wrestling career up and running. I want to do whatever I can and whatever it takes to ensure that he can focus on wrestling. If I could turn all of my hobbies and talents to income then maybe he wouldn’t have to work 60 hours a week and could in turn start training more than 2 days a week. I want to help my mom lose weight and get her arthritis and degenerating joints and disks under control so that she can be more active and her movement will be less painful.

I know things don’t happen over night….although I wish they were. I do however believe that if I work so very hard at it….I can make them a reality.

Calmer

As someone who suffers from severe anxiety disorder to the point that meeting my husband’s training group had me hiding in the bathroom battling tears…. How can I be a calmer person?

I feel that being a calmer person will help me greatly with my anxiety issues. But how can I be calmer?

I have read countless articles and posts and blogs on how to beat anxiety. Countless of tips and tricks on how to pull you out of an anxiety attack. And I am here to say, they may work for some people. However, they don’t always work for me. My band instructor tried to teach me a breathing technique….it doesn’t always help. When I got into a car accident and I was hyperventilating…the EMT told me I was having a panic attack (duh) And that I needed to calm my breathing down. It didn’t matter that I knew my body and knew that if I tried to breathe like they wanted me too my heart rate and BP would go up as well as I would get light headed. But because they were the EMT and thought they knew my body and my disease better than me…

I did what they said.

And just how I predicted…. My heart rate went from 92 to 120 and my BP started rising fast. Finally, they told me I could go back to doing what I was doing. I think it is a coping mechanism until my brain can wrap around what had happened. So that I can process things. It is crazy, I know.

Unfortunately….. my anxiety is something I deal with on a daily basis…little things trigger my brain into an instant race car speed crash heading for a big boom that takes so much energy out of me that all I want to do is sleep, in all honestly, I have crashed from anxiety before for 13 hours of straight sleep because my body was just so exhausted from the constant thinking of crud. For instance, a friend said something and I knew he didn’t mean it the way that I took it…but my brain is a funny thing and took it completely the wrong way to the point that I took a steam shower and cried…. it was awful.

So how can I be a calmer person? That is a question that is constantly on my mind. I think that reminding myself that it might not be as bad as I thought could help. I think maybe taking a few seconds to pour the positives on all the situations will help me. For instance, with the friend example I just posted…I could have told myself -he appreciated your help – he said thank you -he said I didn’t need to but he was happy to have me offering….. For my car wreck…..even though my car was totaled and I was in pain…-I walked out of it.. -I was alive…-nothing was broken….-my unborn child (i was newly pregnant during the wreck) was fine. -I was going to be able to replace the car. -both of my brothers stopped everything they were doing and focused on me that day. -they put aside their hate for eachother to check on me. -cars can be replaced.

So to be a calmer person…. I think I need to remind myself of all of the positives that are in a situation. … Your bank account is only showing 3 dollars and you got 4 days til payday…at least your bills are paid. you lost the job that you’ve worked for years…..gives you the motivation to find something else you’re passionate about. Another door opens.

There is so much positive in this world that we sometimes allow the dark clouds to hinder the rainbow. Because as the wonderful Brandon Lee said in the movie The Crow…..”It can’t rain all the time.”

Outside Adventure

I read somewhere about lack of sunlight playing a part in depression. This can manifest not only in adults but in kids as well.

So how do you combat that seasonal depression or lack of sun depression? By getting outside and having outside adventures.

This isn’t only important for the mental health of your family. Its great for the overal health of your family. We are currently in a generation where too many kids are more focused on a screen than they are in actually moving. They’re walking less, eating more junk food because it’s quick and easy. The obese percentage of this generation is higher now than ever. There are many variables that key into these percentages. However, one of the biggest is the technology that kids have so easily available to them

When I was a kid in the 90’s we had one computer but sometimes we didn’t have internet all the time. The one computer had to be used by four people so I didn’t get a lot of time like some kids today. And I know that I am guilty of giving my kids little tablets with educational apps on them. However, I don’t try to allow them to spend so much time on the without getting some sort of physical activity. Back when I was a kid, I got to use the computer when no one else needed it. Then there wasn’t much for a kid to do on there. I played a lot of Solitaire. What I did do to entertain myself. Was actually entertain myself. I played outside with neighbor kids. I ran around. I pretended sticks were wands. I rode a bike through the neighborhood. we raced. We created forts and played capture the flag. We did ding dong ditch to the cute teen next door. We were physically active. Something that the younger generation is not getting enough of now days.

I know when they’re in school they get maybe an hour of gym class in elementary school once a week and maybe 30 minutes of playtime on the playground. But that isn’t enough. They are expected to learn more and do more from the very first year they are in school. They are playing less in class and doing more work. Even the work is done more digitally. They use laptops in Kindergarten, they have smart boards, etc. They are not being active enough.

Not only can a life full of technology and less physical activities lead to obseity, it can lead to mental health issues. Kids now days are seeing less sunlight because they’re stuck in the house behind a screen. They’re getting less Vitamin D than they need. The deficiency of Vitamin D is also higher today than before. And as parents, there is a simple way that we can help our children.

GO OUTSIDE.

I understand that we are all living busy lives. It is hard to make time to go outside to just do nothing. But it is important. Even if you do it just once a week. I understand some times the weather doesn’t allow it. Sometimes its storming or is too wet from a store the day before. However, just 20 minutes a day of sunlight can help with the vitamin d and seasonal depression. Just spending a few minutes outside creating adventures will not only help your child keep up their physical activity… It will help their mental health.

These moments outside are the ones that they are going to remember. They are going to remember the adventures you had together. These are the days that they are going to think back to when they grow up. These are the moments that are going to inspire them when they become parents themselves.

I don’t know about you, but I want to be a great example as a parent for my kids. So that they can grow up thinking, ‘my mom did everything she could to ensure I lived a happy and healthy life’. Now I am not always too excited to go outside. Life happens, I get tired or sick or I just don’t feel like it. However, if the girls want to go run the yard or jump on the trampoline. I am not going to say no to them wanting to have physical activity. Unless it is snowing raining or just way too cold. We live in the south and the weather gets to 30’s in the winter like the other day when the baby, who had been sick, wanted to go jump. This is when the parenting part comes into play. Knowing when going outside for adventures is going to be beneficial. And going outside in 30 degree weather is not the best thing to do for children. Therefore, instead of just telling them to go watch a TV show. You can simply create adventures in the house. I remember playing the floor is lava as a child or building forts. We like hide and seek as well as tag. As long as there is nothing breakable out that can be knocked down, then there are times where running throughout the house is just the amount of physical activity we need.

Making time

I remember being a kid thinking that the days were so long. That we had so much time. That once I got home from school and got my homework done I had HOURS to play. However, as I got older, I realized that time passes faster and it seems like you never have enough time to get everything done. As a parent, it makes it harder to have time where you are able to just be a family. To have time with your kids. There are many things that have to get done. I need to cook, clean, deal with the never ending laundry piles, theres school needs like school lunches taking and picking up the kids and helping with the homework. I gotta do the grocery shopping and pay bills. I’m also taking classes so I have deadline on those. It just seems like every day is full of something that has to be done.

So where is the time that I can just play with the kids. Because playing with the kids is both beneficial for the children and parents alike. Playing with your kids will allow you to have a break from the mental stress of the day. It also helps your children develop some necessary motor skills. How to handle situations and how to play well with others.

As many parents know very well. There is hardly ever a time where you have free time to just play around with the kids. It is honestly not about having the time. It is about making the time. I swear if you make the time to be with your kids, it will be all worth it. Your kids are going to remember the times that you spent with them. They know more than what we give them credit. They know that there are other things you would or could be doing rather than being with them. These moments are going to mean so much to them as they grow. Even when they go throught that angsty teenage years.

That is one thing that gives me great anxiety about my parenting. Am I spending enough loving time with my kids? Or am I stuck in the strict parenting mode too much? Are they going to remember the times that I spent with them? Teaching them? or are they going to remember me giving them rules and regulations?

See, I could just do things. Like cook and clean or something that I know that I could get done faster. However, sometimes…. I just let them help me. I teach them how to do something they are going to need to know later on in life and they get to do it with me under my careful loving watch. Spending time together. Like cooking. My oldest daughter loves to make eggs. She has learned how to crack eggs, whisk eggs, and even cook them completely. My two year old likes to whisk the eggs. When I make the biscuits, I know that I can get it done faster by just doing it myself. But It would mean more to break the dough in half and let the girls help out with that.

Sometimes life is just difficult. Time slips through our fingers and scheduling in a time with the kids often gets pushed aside. However, maybe we need to stop trying to have the time and make the time instead with simple things that we could do together. You can turn cleaning into a game. You could cook together. Anything.

Hide our feelings

When you are diagnosed with anxiety at an early age, especially in your teenage years, it can be a difficult thing to deal with. Especially with those around you, some of who don’t quite understand the messy thoughts that run through your head.

So when you live in a world where having a mental illness or any type of mental health problem is surrounded in stigma. Surrounded by this dark cloud that hangs over us. Like we’re something to be feared.

So what do we do? We try so hard to hide our feelings. To hide our anxiety. To hide what is causing these things. By staying quiet about them. By pretending that everything is okay. That we are alright. That there is nothing wrong.

However, we often forget that our eyes say way more than our words ever could. For instance, this past November I went to a wrestling convention. It’s kind of like a comic con but with a bunch of wrestling. I usually go with my husband by my side.

Except…..he wasn’t by my side. Instead. he was working the event. So there I was standing alone in line, surrounded by a lot of people I didn’t know. My anxiety grew so big I was ready to bolt. To run. But I knew doing so would tip my husband off to what was wrong and he wouldn’t be able to concentrate on the job that he was doing. So I pretended.

But that didn’t work. One look in my eyes, even from across the room, my husband knew I wasn’t okay. He knew my anxiety was up. He knew I was ready to go.

So even when you think that you are hiding it very well…. Those who are close to you. Those who truly know you and truly care about you…. they are the ones that are going to be able to see the words that aren’t coming from your mouth. No! They are the ones who can hear ever silent scream coming from your eyes.

Tears

Crying is usually seen as a sign of weakness. A sign of being weak. A sign of not being strong enough. However, that is not always the case.

I am an emotional person. I always have been. Some call it wearing your heart on your sleeve or heart. Either way, it is looked upon as a weakness. As something to be ashamed of.

However, I cry for a lot of reasons. There are tears of joy. Tears of sadness. Tears of worry and tears of anger. I’ve never been able to properly express myself in words in the heat of the moment. The words that I should have said usually come after the moment has passed and it is too late. However, I have told many people that if you piss me off and I start crying….RUN. Because that is when shit is about to get real. When things are about to hit the fan.

Because tears are the words that the heart cannot say. The words that cannot pass through our lips. The words we are some times too afraid to mutter.

So when you see someone crying. LISTEN. Because although they are not speaking verbal words, their tears are saying every single thing that you need to hear. Before you call someone weak for crying. LISTEN. Because their tears could be a sign of their strength.