Love about yourself

When you have anxiety, you sometimes forget about the things that you love about yourself. Instead, your anxiety is like this little devil that resides inside your head that tells you all of the things that is wrong with you. So sometimes you need to remind yourself about things you love about yourself. So in a self care journal…. remember to write at least one entry about what you love about yourself.

So here is mine…..

1.) I love how dedicated I can be to my family and friends. I have always been this kind of over the top motherly person. I will go to the ends of the earth for those I care about. It is an amazing quality to have. However, that little devil inside my head is constantly questioning how it appears to others. Am I too overbearing? Am I coming off too strong? Am I coming off too bad? However, I need to constantly remind myself that being a dedicated, loving person is a great quality.

2.) Perfectionism. I have a tendency to get stuck on a project until I get it right. Til I get it perfect. I have an OCD type of mannerism with almost everything I do. I will sit there and work at it til I get it done right. Again, the little devil in my head says that I just can’t ever get anything right. That all I am ever going to do is mess things up and waste money, etc. So sometimes, I just need to remind myself that paying attention to the little details and working to make things perfect is a good quality. It means that I take pride in my work.

3. ) Food. I love that I can cook. I grew up living on tv dinners, ramen and potatoes. We rarely had a home cooked meal. So the fact that I can read a recipe and later recreate it without going back to the recipe is a great thing for myself and my family. I love that my kids don’t have to rely on junk food. That I can cook food that is not only great tasting but that I can sneak veggies into it without my kids knowing or tasting. I love that I can win people over just by sending them food. I didn’t really know the people in my husband’s training class. However, most of them adore me from my cooking. The only thing the little devil tells me is that maybe something is seasoned properly or maybe someone won’t like this or that. But that is few and far between because I know my food is good because my husband eats multiple helpings of it every night.

4.) Planning. Mostly meal planning. I can sit down every month and plan out an entire month of dinners. I can plan it out and then make a grocery list and then go shopping and end up with a month worth of dinners with under $400 spent for the month. I love that I can sit down and write it up. I love that I can plan a menu and I love that I have all the bills planned out and know how much is coming out of the check every week. I love that I can plan out pretty much everything. I have a calendar on the wall right off the garage where I have all the dinners listed so everyone know’s what we’re going to eat every night. I have listed the days that my daughter is going to be taking lunch for the month. I literately plan out every little detail. There is not anything the little devil says in regards to planning. It is once I start planning and seeing how much is being paid out or what needs to be paid is when the anxiety starts to set in.

5.) Being early. I have this thing where being on time or late gives me this awful anxiety. I freak out if I am late or if I am close to being late. This is anywhere. I don’t like my kids being late for school, or events or even just if we have something planned with family. I just cannot be late. Ever. It is hard to do when my husband is incredibly slow. He is late to almost everything. He takes forever to get motivated or moving. And it drives me insane. The little devil tells me that people think I am weird or awful for always showing up early. I will literately show up early anywhere and just sit in the car til it is almost time to go in. Like at school for my oldest, I get there at 1 even tho she doesn’t get out til 2:30. I sit there for an hour and a half because I like to be first. I don’t want my kid to sit and wait for me or feel like I am not coming. I actually get a lot done in the hour an a half like school work, meal planning, budget planning, etc.

So there is my list of five things that I love about myself. I would love to hear yours.

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Calmer

As someone who suffers from severe anxiety disorder to the point that meeting my husband’s training group had me hiding in the bathroom battling tears…. How can I be a calmer person?

I feel that being a calmer person will help me greatly with my anxiety issues. But how can I be calmer?

I have read countless articles and posts and blogs on how to beat anxiety. Countless of tips and tricks on how to pull you out of an anxiety attack. And I am here to say, they may work for some people. However, they don’t always work for me. My band instructor tried to teach me a breathing technique….it doesn’t always help. When I got into a car accident and I was hyperventilating…the EMT told me I was having a panic attack (duh) And that I needed to calm my breathing down. It didn’t matter that I knew my body and knew that if I tried to breathe like they wanted me too my heart rate and BP would go up as well as I would get light headed. But because they were the EMT and thought they knew my body and my disease better than me…

I did what they said.

And just how I predicted…. My heart rate went from 92 to 120 and my BP started rising fast. Finally, they told me I could go back to doing what I was doing. I think it is a coping mechanism until my brain can wrap around what had happened. So that I can process things. It is crazy, I know.

Unfortunately….. my anxiety is something I deal with on a daily basis…little things trigger my brain into an instant race car speed crash heading for a big boom that takes so much energy out of me that all I want to do is sleep, in all honestly, I have crashed from anxiety before for 13 hours of straight sleep because my body was just so exhausted from the constant thinking of crud. For instance, a friend said something and I knew he didn’t mean it the way that I took it…but my brain is a funny thing and took it completely the wrong way to the point that I took a steam shower and cried…. it was awful.

So how can I be a calmer person? That is a question that is constantly on my mind. I think that reminding myself that it might not be as bad as I thought could help. I think maybe taking a few seconds to pour the positives on all the situations will help me. For instance, with the friend example I just posted…I could have told myself -he appreciated your help – he said thank you -he said I didn’t need to but he was happy to have me offering….. For my car wreck…..even though my car was totaled and I was in pain…-I walked out of it.. -I was alive…-nothing was broken….-my unborn child (i was newly pregnant during the wreck) was fine. -I was going to be able to replace the car. -both of my brothers stopped everything they were doing and focused on me that day. -they put aside their hate for eachother to check on me. -cars can be replaced.

So to be a calmer person…. I think I need to remind myself of all of the positives that are in a situation. … Your bank account is only showing 3 dollars and you got 4 days til payday…at least your bills are paid. you lost the job that you’ve worked for years…..gives you the motivation to find something else you’re passionate about. Another door opens.

There is so much positive in this world that we sometimes allow the dark clouds to hinder the rainbow. Because as the wonderful Brandon Lee said in the movie The Crow…..”It can’t rain all the time.”

The Smallest Things

There must be something in the air today. This strong ass wind must be carrying some type of toxin that is causing so much anxiety.

Not just for me. My best friend is having a shit anxiety day as well over some stupid drama at her work which sent her into a crying fest in the bathroom and even tho she gathered herself together and put on a brave face as only those with issues know how to do, her boss is still siding with the other employee and sending my friend home.

And I can’t be much help to her because as I am sitting in the school line waiting to pick up the kids, I am in a blubbering mess as well. Why?

Well here is what my brain is telling me. I am a no good, money spending, talentless, fat, mess. Who can only spend money and cannot make money for the life of me. I have put in application for almost every at home job I can think of and apparently I am not what anyone is looking for. I cannot bring myself to get another fast food job because I know that I will be a blubbering whale of a mess in the bathroom from dealing with people face to face. The whole idea of trying to juggle every single thing that I do on a daily basis as well as working even a part time job outside of my home sends my heart rate higher than the Eiffle tower. I can’t even monetinize my blog well enough to draw in any money from the ads. I’m obviously not cut out to be a money making blogger. Even tho I like blogging because it helps me work thru a lot of my issues.

So why is this happening today.

Well I was running an errand for my mom before coming to the school line and I needed gas. So at the gas station I noticed my tires are low again for the thousandth time and when I was driving I noticed that the steering wheel kinda shakes so I decided to focus all of my attention on how my car was riding and I could tell with how worn the tires looked and felt that I need new tires.

Usually I would just get used tires. But since I drive sooooo much running every single flipping errand that occurs in our family as well as taking kids to and from school that it would be in the best interest of my family to get brand new tires as they have a higher chance of being safer. Because you never really know how these used tires are going to go. You could pay the 40 bucks to get a used tire put on and hit a pot hole on the way home and blow that tire you just bought. Now I can add 30 more to that and get a brand new tire. But I need 2 tires both my front tires are bad. So I am looking at 200 bucks for tires basically. with taxes and installation.

And I spent money buying other stuff recently for this awful cold that I am unfortunately coming down with. And it always seem like I am spending money and I feel bad because I am not bringing in money. I feel like a bad wife because my husband is working 10-12 hours a day 6 days straight and I’m just blowing his hard earned money.

Sometimes it is the smallest things that can make you feel like you’re useless, worthless, nothing.

I know I usually post some type of way you can deal with it or something positive.

But I just can’t today. I am having one of the worst anxiety days in a while…

So now, because I am that type of person, I got to figure out how I can make it up to my husband for spending 200. Even tho he won’t be mad or say anything about it because he wants the girls to be safe. But I am going to do it anyway because I feel like I have to do more since I stay at home.

Also, because music usually helps me in these moments and its usually my therapy… I was dumb enough to look up linkin park’s acoustic versions of their songs and just hearing Chesters voice from certain songs is sending me into another blubbering mess because well he was a gem that we loss. a beautiful soul.

If ya’ll know how to monetize your blog successfully…. I am all ears because I cannot go back to retail/fast food. And I really enjoy writing to you guys.

Wish me luck. 🙂

It isn’t easy

Loving me isn’t easy.

Loving me is complicated.

Loving me comes with a lot of baggage.

Loving me comes with a lot of problems.

Loving me means you need to be patient.

Loving me means you need to understand.

Loving me isn’t easy.

Because loving me means you accept my issues

Because loving me means you are willing to put up with my anxiety.

Because loving me means you don’t judge me.

Because loving me means you want to help me cope.

Because loving me means you understand.

Loving me isn’t easy.

I wish it was.

I wish I wasn’t such a handfull.

I wish I didn’t constantly overthink every little thing you say.

I wish that I could have better trust.

I wish that I didn’t wear every thing on my sleeves.

I wish my emotions didn’t bounce up and down like a damn yo-yo you use to play with as a kid.

I wish I didn’t have to constantly have reassurance.

Loving me isn’t easy.

But I wish it was.

Having a mental illness like anxiety…such strong anxiety makes relationships so damn hard.

You are constantly wondering if you are going to get hurt again.

You see… I have only been with 3 guys in my whole life. I have only had 3 boyfriends. EVER. Seriously. My first boyfriend was when I was 7… we dated off and on every couple years until high school.

Then he dumped me because someone gave him the time of day. That is how it always went with him. Especially when we were in high school. Anytime a girl would flirt with him, bat their pretty little mascara covered lashes his way, I would be left heart broken wondering why I was never good enough to be anyone’s entire world.

But then I was. Or at least I thought I was. I mean my second boyfriend pursued me while I was in a relationship with my first boyfriend. He wrote all these letters. He won me stuffed animals. He always made time for me. Til he left. to go live somewhere else. And I was the one thinking we could actually make long distance work. And I guess we did. Until he came to live with us. But he wasn’t who I thought he was. He was an emotional rollercoaster. He caused so much pain. He won me over with his words and then destroyed me with his actions. he cheated. not only physically but emotionally. Not too long after we broke up did he start a realtionship with the one he cheated on me with. But what could I have expected. He cheated on his girlfriend with me. And his girlfriend was my friend. And he let me believe that they were over. He had a way with words. He was broken. I thought I could fix him. I thought I could be his savior. I thought I could. But in the end, that didn’t matter. It never matters, does it?

In the end of that relationship… I didn’t know how to break it off. I knew we were over. We were too spiteful to each other. Too hateful. Too much of a toxic thing. They always say you have 3 kinds of love in your life. My first love played me like a fiddle. My second love taught me all the feelings you would never want to feel when you’re supposed to be in a realtionship.

And then came my knight in shining armor. Or at least I thought he was at the time. We’ve had a very long hard road. An emotional rollercoaster in itself. You see….he was my cousins friend. He came out of nowhere. He just showed up when I was still with my ex. We started out as friends. And I started falling for him even though I didn’t know how to end it with my ex. But I didn’t have to. My ex did it for me. By cheating and lying and running away from all his problems. By being who I thought I could save.

This just in… you cannot save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.

My 3rd love came so fast and so hard. It hit so damn hard. And so damn fast. my head was spinning. We started out hanging out as friends. But deep in my head I knew I wanted more. We kissed on our first day seeing eachother in months. My ex broke up with me on a big day for me… It hurt. But my friend, now husband, was there to talk to me. We talked on the phone so much. So often. Texted all the time. He was older. by 2 years. The first guy I had been with that was more than 11 months older than me.

I was in awe that he liked me. That he even wanted to kiss me. To spend time with me. To be with me. He consumed so much of my thoughts.

But then tragedy struck. We lost someone that was so close to both of use.

I retreated into myself. I hid my thoughts. My heartbreak. I hid how hurt I was that my friend, my cousin, my confidant was gone. I would never be able to pick up the phone and call him again.

My husband…. I am not too sure what happened. He was broken. That was his best friend. But what I did notice was that another friend was creeping into his life. a toxic friend. A horrid friend. My husband didn’t notice because he was still too blindsided from the loss of his friend to even see how bad this new friend was going to be.

This friend encouraged the lying, the talking to other girls.. This friend encouraged him to leave me. He came in between us. I was destroyed.

But it has a happy ending. I promise. Because if it didn’t…he wouldn’t be my husband. But he is. We wouldn’t have two beautiful daughters. He finally opened his eyes. Now that friend is no longer in either of our lives even though they keep trying to push and shove their way in.

I am sorry guys, I am ranting and raving again.

You see…. the first 2 guys in my life and the first 2 and a half (out of 9) years with my husband scarred me.

They made my anxiety worse.

They made my trust minimal.

They made my belief diminish.

They made loving me hard.

I have always been a deeply emotional person. I have always wore my emotions on my sleeves. I have always been able to feed off others emotions even when I never wanted to.

Loving me is…..hard.

…….

but it’s not impossible

Need a Break

My anxiety consists of my brain never turning off. I can ask my husband what he’s thinking about and he’ll say nothing. But if he asks me….there is always something.

Actually, if I am being honest, my thoughts are pretty ADHD. There is always multiple things on my mind.

Like right now…. I am thinking about my father in law and that thought isn’t too pretty at the moment. I am thinking about how we still haven’t spread my dads ashes. I need to go grocery shopping. I need a nap. Stupid allergy’s to milk (and no its not tummy issues, my allergy makes me itchy…really itchy) How I was so careless to consume so many milk based products on such in such a short time period. I am thinking about school and how am I going to finish paying for it. Since I pretty much ran out of financial aid for it. I am freaking out about the upcoming warped tour because its so many people in a small facility. I am thinking about if I am a good enough parent, friend, wife, child.

And all that is running in my head right now. My attention span is really small. Like really short. Shorter than a fuse. In the 10th grade my Algebra 2 teacher use to switch subjects every 3-5 minutes. One day, a student asked why and she told them it was because of me. Because if she spent any more than 10 minutes on a problem, she would lose my attention.

Everyone always say they need a vacation from their life. To go away to the beach and be free of their problems for just a little bit.

Unfortunately, even when I am on vacation I am constantly overthinking, over analyzing every single thing. Even if I am 3 hours away from home. My mind is consumed with what is going on. What I will need to do when I get home

Yes, a vacation to the beach would be nice. But what I really need is a vacation, a break from my own thoughts.

I would love to know what it was like to not think about anything even if it was just for a few moments. I hate it. Honestly, I do. Because the more I think about something, the more anxious I become. My brother always tells me ‘well don’t think about it’. If only it was that easy. I try to mediate. I tried yoga. I tried taking walks. I tried the showers and the baths. I have tried everything. And I can never turn my thoughts off.

Is there some way to create an off switch??? I wish I knew. Cause I could really use a break.

Failure Alert!!!

 

It is amazing how something as simple as a 1st graders school project can make you feel like a failure.

 

Last week my daughter brought home that paper that tells you it is time for a project.

That dreadful paper.

This one said that our little kids would need to take a soda bottle and turn it into a famous person.

Now in my head… I have this amazing picture of how I want it to be.

But what is in my head and my ability to create anything…..is absolute crap.

Seriously.

I am the least artistic person in the entire world.

So I decide that for the clothing that this bottle is supposed to have for this project will need to be sewn.

I have sewn two things in my life. This project being one and a pillow for my ex being another. Both have been a disaster.

But I do it anyway because I love my daughter. And it is a miracle I did not stab myself with the needle.

I cut down the only size foam Walmart had to semi resemble a head and it is still too big for the body. So now the guy looks comical. Yay me.

I paint it and get paint all over my hands. I feel like I am a five year old in a grown persons body when I am painting. Ugh!!!

I hot glue the clothes to the bottle and put the arms on. Now I still have the shoes and legs as well as pants to put on but decide I will finish it when my kid gets home.

But then I look at it. I photograph it. I send the picture to my mother. And she starts to tell me little things that could be changed.

As if I didn’t already feel like shit about it.

Seriously.

It is amazing that a small little project can make me break down. Bawling. Wanting to sit in my bath tub with hot steamy water cascading over me. (Which honestly I did)

I don’t want my child to be embarrassed by this project. I don’t want my kid to get picked on because I honestly cannot create a simple project.

I worry how my kid is going to see the project. I worry how her teacher is going to grade it. I worry about the other kids picking on my kid. I don’t want her to be bullied because I am honestly a failure.

It is funny how a simple project can make you feel like you are a failure as a parent. I want her to turn in the best work she can. I don’t want her to get a bad grade because I suck. I swear if she comes home with a bad grade because of this project… I will probably hole up in my room for a month. Honestly. I am not joking.

I don’t know how to not feel this way.

It is weird how a simple project can remind you….

I am pretty much a failure at everything.

I played the flute in school….never made first chair.

I tried guitar….. I know one song and can barely play it right

I like photography….but I am constantly reminded that my cousin or father in law are better than me… Seriously… My daughter had a camera and was taking picture of my father in law and my step mother in law made the comment how my daughter might be a great photographer like her grandpa… Uhm… I do photography too. But of course every one forgets me.

I imagine art… I can’t create it.

I like to cook….only half my food is a hit.

I like to blog… I don’t put out great material. I am obviously not a writer.

I was hoping I could get a job at home since I do so much every single day. Being a stay at home mom is no walk in a park. But I can’t find anyone hiring and all the jobs I apply for…. I never get… another FAILURE.

It is just one of those nights where I want a pint of ice cream and a bottle of wine. But one kid is at my brothers and the other is awake so no drinking for me. And I say no drinking with my older kid at my brothers for the fact that I like to remain sober when my kids are awake and not here because there might be an emergency and I don’t want to be that parent that either drives drunk or says I can’t make it because I’ve been drinking.

 

Sorry for the rant guys. I am happy to say I now have 85 followers. It is pretty amazing that at least 85 people want to read what I write. You guys are awesome