Nothing to be ashamed

When Chester died, I wrote a lot about the stigmatism surrounding mental illness. How it is very scary to openly talk about having a mental illness. That talking about it is like having the plague.

Seriously, I am still scared to openly talk about my illness because so many people have made it a joke. I have seen a lot of people who experience nervousness over something claim that they have an anxiety disorder However, after whatever makes them nervous, they no longer have a mental illness.

It is like having an anxiety disorder is something to joke about. It makes those of us who really have it afraid to come out with what is really going on.

There is also this type of stigmatism that if you have a mental illness you should be ashamed.. that you’re seeking attention or playing the victim.

We live in a world where it is so hard to have a mental disorder. I have anxiety disorder, panic attacks and mild depression. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I am living with this and I am living with it my way. Why should I feel ashamed about it??? Seriously? Why should any of us feel ashamed about what is going on iside of our head. When you have a heart issue, your heart is sick. No one makes you feel ashamed of that. The brain is an organ. It can be sick like any other organ in your body.

Don’t be ashamed of it. Own it. You have a mental illness. And that is okay. If you’re on medication… THAT IS OKAY. Seriously. taking medication for your mental illness is brave. Because you had the courage to seek help. To get help. There are so many who have not been able to drum up the courage to ask for help.
When Chester died, many of those who knew him, came to the forefront to speak out for mental illness. To break the stigmatim. I think that the more that we talk about it, the more it will be accepted as normal. That it is nothing to be ashamed about. Because it’s not.

Open up. Tell me your story. Tell me what makes you overthink. Tell me what your anxious about. Because I am here. I will always be here. As a listening friend. As someone who shares your story. Who understands what it is like to have a mental illness. Who knows what it is like to be made ashamed of my illness. To know what it is like. So tell me your story.

Try again

I swear I always feel like I am a bad person.

As the day ends, my thoughts never go to what went right or what I did good.

They constantly replay every little bad thing that I ever did.

I am a bad person

I am a bitch.

Well that last one is true.

I told my husband when we got together almost 9 years ago that ‘I am a bitch, if you cannot handle that then I don’t know if we can make this work’.

I am a bitch in the sense that I will say what I need to say for who I need to. I will do whatever needs to be done for those I love. I am a protective person by nature. So if that means that I have to be a bitch. Then so be it.

I use to be a happy person always with a smile on her face. But then that dirty, nasty demon named anxiety set in. Now I am always worried. Always feeling. Always in resting bitch face.

But being a parent. Especially such a young person. I became a mom when I was 19. I partied for 2 months before I found out I was pregnant. I was a wild teen for literally 2 months. That is it. When that test came back positive…. I knew I was done with all of the childish games. There was a child that was coming into my life that needed a mom not a teen.

But I started this journey only knowing what it is like to babysit or be an aunt.

So….

I make mistakes.

Even now that I have 2 kids. Because there are things that my six year old is like that I never learned how to cope with. I have to be the adult.

When you’re a kid you think that being an adult will be so awesome. But they never really told you what being an adult is really like.

So when the time comes that I need to lay down for bed. After I have checked on my kids for the thousandth time.. my mind plays back every mistake I made. Every little thing that I could have done differently.

But what I need to do. And what you should do, if you’re a parent, is remember that the sun will rise tomorrow. And we all can try again.

because honestly, that is all we can do. Is try. There is no gold medals for parents.

Who cares what those soccer moms think about your parenting style. It is yours. As long as your kids not some asshat then you’re doing a good job. Even if your kid is an asshat, you’re still doing a good job because you’re trying.

I mean you can be as good as a parent as you can but you cannot always determine how your kid will turn out. I mean my mom is my best friend. It has always been the two of us fighting thru poverty, homelessness and all kinds of issues. But even though she took her 3 kids out of a shitty situation with my dad and worked 12 hours a day sometimes. My brother still caused a lot of issues.

So, go a little easier on yourself. The sun is rising tomorrow and you get to start over again. You still have time to fix your mistakes and you still have time to show how much you love your kids. As long as there is still oxygen in your lungs, your heart is still beating and you can still do it. Then do it.

We may have a mental illness. We may over think. We may make mistakes. We may fall down. But we can pick ourselves up and try again.

It isn’t easy

Loving me isn’t easy.

Loving me is complicated.

Loving me comes with a lot of baggage.

Loving me comes with a lot of problems.

Loving me means you need to be patient.

Loving me means you need to understand.

Loving me isn’t easy.

Because loving me means you accept my issues

Because loving me means you are willing to put up with my anxiety.

Because loving me means you don’t judge me.

Because loving me means you want to help me cope.

Because loving me means you understand.

Loving me isn’t easy.

I wish it was.

I wish I wasn’t such a handfull.

I wish I didn’t constantly overthink every little thing you say.

I wish that I could have better trust.

I wish that I didn’t wear every thing on my sleeves.

I wish my emotions didn’t bounce up and down like a damn yo-yo you use to play with as a kid.

I wish I didn’t have to constantly have reassurance.

Loving me isn’t easy.

But I wish it was.

Having a mental illness like anxiety…such strong anxiety makes relationships so damn hard.

You are constantly wondering if you are going to get hurt again.

You see… I have only been with 3 guys in my whole life. I have only had 3 boyfriends. EVER. Seriously. My first boyfriend was when I was 7… we dated off and on every couple years until high school.

Then he dumped me because someone gave him the time of day. That is how it always went with him. Especially when we were in high school. Anytime a girl would flirt with him, bat their pretty little mascara covered lashes his way, I would be left heart broken wondering why I was never good enough to be anyone’s entire world.

But then I was. Or at least I thought I was. I mean my second boyfriend pursued me while I was in a relationship with my first boyfriend. He wrote all these letters. He won me stuffed animals. He always made time for me. Til he left. to go live somewhere else. And I was the one thinking we could actually make long distance work. And I guess we did. Until he came to live with us. But he wasn’t who I thought he was. He was an emotional rollercoaster. He caused so much pain. He won me over with his words and then destroyed me with his actions. he cheated. not only physically but emotionally. Not too long after we broke up did he start a realtionship with the one he cheated on me with. But what could I have expected. He cheated on his girlfriend with me. And his girlfriend was my friend. And he let me believe that they were over. He had a way with words. He was broken. I thought I could fix him. I thought I could be his savior. I thought I could. But in the end, that didn’t matter. It never matters, does it?

In the end of that relationship… I didn’t know how to break it off. I knew we were over. We were too spiteful to each other. Too hateful. Too much of a toxic thing. They always say you have 3 kinds of love in your life. My first love played me like a fiddle. My second love taught me all the feelings you would never want to feel when you’re supposed to be in a realtionship.

And then came my knight in shining armor. Or at least I thought he was at the time. We’ve had a very long hard road. An emotional rollercoaster in itself. You see….he was my cousins friend. He came out of nowhere. He just showed up when I was still with my ex. We started out as friends. And I started falling for him even though I didn’t know how to end it with my ex. But I didn’t have to. My ex did it for me. By cheating and lying and running away from all his problems. By being who I thought I could save.

This just in… you cannot save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.

My 3rd love came so fast and so hard. It hit so damn hard. And so damn fast. my head was spinning. We started out hanging out as friends. But deep in my head I knew I wanted more. We kissed on our first day seeing eachother in months. My ex broke up with me on a big day for me… It hurt. But my friend, now husband, was there to talk to me. We talked on the phone so much. So often. Texted all the time. He was older. by 2 years. The first guy I had been with that was more than 11 months older than me.

I was in awe that he liked me. That he even wanted to kiss me. To spend time with me. To be with me. He consumed so much of my thoughts.

But then tragedy struck. We lost someone that was so close to both of use.

I retreated into myself. I hid my thoughts. My heartbreak. I hid how hurt I was that my friend, my cousin, my confidant was gone. I would never be able to pick up the phone and call him again.

My husband…. I am not too sure what happened. He was broken. That was his best friend. But what I did notice was that another friend was creeping into his life. a toxic friend. A horrid friend. My husband didn’t notice because he was still too blindsided from the loss of his friend to even see how bad this new friend was going to be.

This friend encouraged the lying, the talking to other girls.. This friend encouraged him to leave me. He came in between us. I was destroyed.

But it has a happy ending. I promise. Because if it didn’t…he wouldn’t be my husband. But he is. We wouldn’t have two beautiful daughters. He finally opened his eyes. Now that friend is no longer in either of our lives even though they keep trying to push and shove their way in.

I am sorry guys, I am ranting and raving again.

You see…. the first 2 guys in my life and the first 2 and a half (out of 9) years with my husband scarred me.

They made my anxiety worse.

They made my trust minimal.

They made my belief diminish.

They made loving me hard.

I have always been a deeply emotional person. I have always wore my emotions on my sleeves. I have always been able to feed off others emotions even when I never wanted to.

Loving me is…..hard.

…….

but it’s not impossible

Rain and Axiety

Now I can only talk for myself.

And I know I say this over and over

Only for the fact I don’t want anyone to feel like I am trying to talk for anyone other than myself. We are apparently in a world where everyone is very sensitive to what is written or said. Sarcasm and jokes are a thing of the past. Everyone seems to take everything so literal.

But I’m getting off topic.

This post is about something in regards to anxiety. and driving. and how it makes me anxious.

And here’s the thing. I am always anxious when I am driving. Not because I am a bad driver. It’s not me that I am worried about. NO!!! it is the other drivers. The ones who don’t take in to count the conditions of the road or their car. Because too many big vehicles are deciding it is okay to take a sharp curve at a fast speed. Faster than the curve sign suggests. Because they’re obviously in a hurry. Because obviously the place they’re trying to get to won’t be there if they don’t speed. And those are the cars that over calculate or under estimate their car and the curve. Big cars are top heavy if you’re going to fast on a curve…you will tip over.

But I am always anxious because I was in a wreck. On a sunny morning. At a stop light. Because a 20 year old…not even legal to drink…was drunk and high on multiple drugs and off of his seizure medication at 8 in the morning. Seriously! 8 AM. Like how or why would you be that wasted first thing in the morning.

Again I am off topic. This is about the rain. “It can’t rain all the time” But when it does.. I hate. I mean absolutely HATE driving in the rain. It seems like (maybe just in my town) that the crazy’s all flock to the road ways in the rain. And they cannot drive. They wait til the last minute to stop behind you, they are doing running stops. I mean the whole thing makes me completely anxious.

I don’t like going out in the rain. And it has nothing to do with the rain itself. Its the driving. And if I do have to go out…. I refuse to take my kids with me if I can. The roads when wet can be slippery especially in winter. So why would I sanely put my kids in the car with crazy people. The wrecks total triple during rain. So I feel like I would be putting them at a bigger risk by driving them unnecessarily in the rain.

Now that doesn’t mean I don’t take them to school or the doctor in the rain. That’s just crazy. I mean if I want to run to the store because I want to bake a cake… I won’t take them with me. It’s also because….HELLO it is still winter and the rain is cold. We have dealt with enough sickness and a cold rain is just calling for another cold. Nope I will just let them stay home with their daddy while I brave the stupid.

Speaking of which. When it rains….Wal-Mart gets busier… WHY???

Let me know what you think in the comments.

And as always….thank you all for letting me vent

Pretending

I have said before that my anxiety will never going completely away. Instead, I can learn how to control it so that I can manage things better. But getting to that place will be a journey.

I cannot reach my destination by pretending that my darkness never existed. I have to accept the things I have been thru. I have to forgive those who that have caused some of my darkness. I have to work thru the darkness so that I can be better.

I want to help others. Because I have gone thru this journey pretty much all by myself. So if I can help others get to their destination a little faster than I am then I feel like I am doing a good job. I will feel like maybe I am helping.

Because lets be honest. I have a low self esteem. So I am pretty hard on myself. But the one good thing about me that I can never take from myself is that I will help anyone and everyone around me. And I feel like I am in this fight so I can help others with their fight.

Mental illness is not an easy fight to deal with. We are not only fighting our own minds but we’re fighting the world around us. I find that there are some who are struggling with their fight because they pretend that their darkness never existed. That maybe if they ignore what they’ve been through they will get better faster. But that only causes more problems.

Recovery 

I have learned that recovery means different things to different people. I cannot speak for anyone but myself. So here is what recovery means to me.

Recovery means not freaking out all the time.

Recovery means less panic attacks.

Recover means not overthinking as much.

Now I am not unrealistic. I have been a sufferer of anxiety disorder for over 10 years and I probably need professional help. Although I am constantly striving for recover, I know I will always battle anxiety.

My brother over came anxiety, but he is not me. He doesn’t have vivid dreams like I do. He doesn’t dream at all. I have such strong vivid dreams that I remember every detail for weeks. Sometimes I wake up crying from them. My brother doesn’t think as much as I do. i’m not saying he’s dumb. He is really smart actually. What I am referring to is that he can shut his mind off when he needs to, he doesn’t over think anything. I, however, blow every single thing out or proportion.

Recover means always having the will and strength to fight this battle!

What does recovery mean to you?

Fan letter: Dear Chester

 

I looked up journal prompts and some that may help with your mental health. One was to write a fan letter and you don’t actually have to send it. But if there is a certain celebrity that you relate to, one who has helped you thru a difficult time, writing your fan letter may help you to understand why they’re so important to you. So today… I am writing one to someone who is sadly no longer with us…..

Dear Chester Bennington,

It has been a little over 5 months since you left us. And I am pretty sure I speak for may fans when I say missing you hasn’t gotten any easier. I hope that you’re out there somewhere safe, somewhere warm… somewhere your demons can no longer torment you. And I hope you know how loved you are and always will be.

I want to thank you for always fighting for mental health. You laid out all of your problems in your songs and millions of fans, including myself, related to everything that you said. Thank you for being a voice for us when we didn’t feel like we had one.

There are way to many songs for me to list that spoke to me. Spoke to my soul and spoke me out of my anxiety. Helped me crawl my way out of depression. Your songs were my go to for my mental state. There is always a song in your library of genius that held some sort of meaning for me.

I can never say enough for what you meant to me… and its not just me. There are millions of fans around the world who felt the same way. And it is even worse with the fact that we missed your signs. The signs that you needed a friend. The signs that things were getting bad again. I’m sorry.

I’m sorry we never truly saw all the pain in your eyes. And I know that I never knew you personally….and never would have been more than just a random fan…. a body in a crowd. But I can’t help but wish that maybe I could have done something. anything to help you get thru your pain. To help you keep fighting. But you slipped thru our fingers.

The world lost a legend. The world lost a magnificent voice who helped lonely people like myself every single day. I bought the One More Light Live cd… and I can’t stop listening to it. It is the last Live album you’ll ever have. I feel like if I stop listening to the CD… you’ll truly be gone. And I know that you are in a better place… And I know I am being ‘silly’ being so tore up about a celebrity I never knew. But I feel like turning off the CD will put the final nail in the coffin.. You know? It would make it more real. At least if I keep playing the CD… I can keep hearing your voice. I’m not ready to give that up yet. I know that I can always play any of your cd’s or watch any of the videos on youtube to see you. But it is just something about this Live album that makes it more significant. Mike’s Instagram live listen of it didn’t help either. I feel his pain

You see… I lost a friend that was really close to me 7 years ago. It was unexpected and I thought I was going to see him again in a couple days… those couple of days will never come. I have never taken death very well and I am an overly emotional person. But I have never been to a memorial over a celebrity before…until you Chester.

your love for your family and fans was so strong that I was pulled to go. I felt like I needed to go. And when we all sang One More Light… there wasn’t a dry eye in the room. We care Chester. We care if one more light goes out. And for as long as I live…. I will be shining my light as bright as I can and work as hard as I can to break the stigma.

I applaud your wife Chester. She is one strong woman. When she has all the right to hide from the world and mourn…. she is standing tall with your love and fighting for you fans. She is fighting for mental health. She is fighting for you. She is a role model by all means.

Linkin Park doesn’t know what they’re going to do without you. And part of me feels like it’s not Linkin Park without you in it..without your fabulous voice… without your powerful screams….But I also know that they need to be able to mourn… They need to be able to move on. If they decide to continue as a band…and they should…they’re brothers….I will always support them. And I know that they will honor your memory in the best way possible.

Thank you for everything you did for your fans. All of your songs. All of your smiles.

We will always miss you.

Signed,

Just a fan.