Hide our feelings

When you are diagnosed with anxiety at an early age, especially in your teenage years, it can be a difficult thing to deal with. Especially with those around you, some of who don’t quite understand the messy thoughts that run through your head.

So when you live in a world where having a mental illness or any type of mental health problem is surrounded in stigma. Surrounded by this dark cloud that hangs over us. Like we’re something to be feared.

So what do we do? We try so hard to hide our feelings. To hide our anxiety. To hide what is causing these things. By staying quiet about them. By pretending that everything is okay. That we are alright. That there is nothing wrong.

However, we often forget that our eyes say way more than our words ever could. For instance, this past November I went to a wrestling convention. It’s kind of like a comic con but with a bunch of wrestling. I usually go with my husband by my side.

Except…..he wasn’t by my side. Instead. he was working the event. So there I was standing alone in line, surrounded by a lot of people I didn’t know. My anxiety grew so big I was ready to bolt. To run. But I knew doing so would tip my husband off to what was wrong and he wouldn’t be able to concentrate on the job that he was doing. So I pretended.

But that didn’t work. One look in my eyes, even from across the room, my husband knew I wasn’t okay. He knew my anxiety was up. He knew I was ready to go.

So even when you think that you are hiding it very well…. Those who are close to you. Those who truly know you and truly care about you…. they are the ones that are going to be able to see the words that aren’t coming from your mouth. No! They are the ones who can hear ever silent scream coming from your eyes.

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I feel weird

Okay so the other day I decided to do a test run for some fudge that I am planning on sending to my husband’s first show. My anxiety is like you need to make sure this turns out ahead of time instead of it failing the day of.

So I of course go to the store and buy everything that I need. Come home and start to make it. However this calls for me to roll the fudge into individual circles right before it hardens. Its white chocolate fudge with jack skellington face drawn on. Its almost Halloween the show is just a few days before Halloween So I thought that it would be a great idea.

Unfortunately I have issues. Like major big time issues. Once I start rolling the fudge… It starts sticking to my hands and my fingers and I have almost a complete meltdown. I hurry to the sink and stand there washing my hands over and over for 5 minutes. My mom is over and she was at the sink when I asked her to move and I am pretty sure she is concerned about me now.

But this isn’t the first time like this has happened and I have done a fantastic job of making sure very few people have seen my freak outs. Its to the point that I cannot out my hand in sink water that’s been left sitting for a period of time or touch anything slimey. Also if gloves or socks are too tight I spazz because it feels like they are constricted.

I never knew what this meant. I just thought I was a weird person. That is until I was talking to my best friend about my freak out and she told me its called sensory processing disorder. Her and her autistic son have it. So now I finally have a name for the thing that makes my skin crawl and a panic attack ensue. But I still feel weird

Anxiety and Dreams

Okay, so as you guys know we’re currently having issues with my in laws.

and being a person with anxiety.

Makes me even more protective or more of a momma bear.

So, I need advice. Or maybe some comments. A discussion. From others outside of the situation to talk it thru.

The other night, I had this really bad dream. Having anxiety, I think, makes my dreams more vivid and more real. I wake up feeling like they’re real. That they’re going to happen. Like a premenition.

So this dream, I went to pick up the kids from school because I pick up my nephews as well. And the boys got in the car. But….my daughter was no where to be found. The principal came over and told me that she had been checked out earlier in the day by her grandfather, my father in law.

So I go over there to get her back…and he won’t give her back. He hides her away and runs. I think it comes from the fact that when my mom first left my dad….he kidnapped us and hid us in my great grandma’s basement. But it was going on and on and I was trying everything to get my kid back. And nothing was working. To the point that I was calling in help from people that I know are violent.

That was one dream.

Another dream the next day was my father in law showing up at my house when my husband wasn’t home. He pushed his way in to see the girls. And he wouldn’t leave. I tried everything and he just WOULDN’T leave. To the point that I was calling the cop and my FIL said that the cops wouldn’t do anything because he was family.

……

I woke up from both these dreams in a full on anxiety attack. These dreams have had me terrified.

So….I put some thought into it and I think I should go to the school and remove him from the list of picking up my daughter from school. I don’t want to ever feel like I did in my dreams.

So….what do you guys think?