We need to talk….anxiety issues

This is one of those things that I found on Pinterest that I was like yesss I can totally relate.

And it doesn’t have to be at work either. It can be with anyone.

Like my mom…texting and saying I got something to tell you when I get there….but not telling me what It is or what its about. And then taking an hour or more to come over. Yeah it might have been about some rumor she heard about WWE but thats not the point…its the anxiety of it all.

Seriously…those words are awful. No matter Who says then I am constantly thinking…did I do something wrong? Am I in trouble? And many more along those lines. It is awful.

Can you relate?

Anxiety and parenting

As a parent….we only want what is best for our kids. But is that causing them to have anxiety issues? I truly hope not. Unfortunately, I think it is.

Growing up with a single parent….my mom wasn’t always home. So I had my brothers taking care of me. They are truly opposites. They hated each other and would fight a lot….in front of me. I saw a lot of jealousy….and other things. While there is a genetic line of mental illness on my father’s side…I am pretty certain that a lot of things that happened as a child molded my anxiety I have today.

Being a mom….I’m overly protective. Things that happened to me as a child should never ever happen to a kid and I constantly find myself being that helicopter parent. I have cut people out of my life for simply being a bad influence….I am dead serious too. Is stopped talking to someone for months because they thought it was ok to come around me and my kids drunk or high…I didn’t talk to them again until they could prove that they could be sober.

I’ve also found myself being critical of my daughter. Honestly…I don’t mean too. I will sit there in the bathroom and cry afterwards because I feel like a bad parent.

My daughter will do something…like jump on the couch…I will say hey don’t do that or something to the extent and not even 2 minutes later…shes doing it again…which I then say didn’t I just tell you not to do that… And I end up hurting her feelings.

I am, however, never emotionally cold to my children or any child. I want them to express their emotions and hell…I will cry right along side of them.

So guys…what is your take on this WTFact…? Do you find yourself being critical of your children? What have you done to change it?

I am going to continue to try my best to change how I speak or act towards and around my daughter in the hopes that I don’t pass the anxiety along.

Sometimes its ok to feel down

Many times I have found myself apologizing for being upset. Or saying sorry for how I am feeling. But why should I? Why should you?

And the answer to that is you shouldn’t. It is ok to feel shitty. Its ok to panic. It is ok to be sad. It is ok to not feel like yourself sometimes.

I highly doubt that there is anyone that can honestly say that they feel like they’re 100% happy 100% of the time. Because thats not how human emotions work.

I have come to realize that those of us who suffer from anxiety disordee. And not just the occasional bouts of anxiousness. I mean the full blown anxiety. We tend to have stronger human emotions. I know I do.

I feel things to the extremes and often. These emotions of mine can range from extreme joy to do I really have to get out of bed? And sometimes….when the anxiety is winning the battle, my emotions can change on a whim. I truly wear my heart on my sleeves.

Do you ever feel that way? Is your heart and emotions so boldly displayed on your sleeve?

Mental illness is not seeking attention

One of the reasons I don’t usually open up about the battle I face every single day is that people tend to think I just want attention. Hey you didnt try to cut yourself or attempt suicide so youre just seeking attention…

Its not so bad…you just want attention.

Well guys…if anyone knows me…they know I absolutely hate attention. I would crawl under bleachers rather than have the attention on me.

If I reach out to you and tell you what’s going on….what my illness is like…then I believe you are there for me…I believe you won’t judge me. I believe you’ll support me.

I don’t tell you things so you will pay attention to me. I tell you because I am feeling confident in that moment to open up. When you tell me I’m just seeking attention is when I’ll crawl right back into my shell and let you pretend I am always fine… But if that happens….I’ll never open up to that person about anything.

Have you ever had someone tell you that your seeking attention? When in reality you just want someone to talk to. To understand…

Please know…that I will never tell you that…I will always understand. I will always be someone you can confide in.

Social #anxiety and Fall Out Boy

Ok so my inner middle school slash high school I’m so emo self was pretty excited three months ago when I got fall out boy tickets. I mean who didn’t have a crush on Pete Wentz?

As time has grown closer and closer I realize this concert scares the shit out of me. Like literally. I’m terrified of going.

Let me tell you why.

Every concert I have ever been to has either been with one of my brothers (older protective brothers) or my amazingly understanding and supportive husband. Even going to wrestling events I went with my mom or my husband.

This concert is the first concert that I will be going to with just my friend. She has anxiety also. So she is one of my friends that I can talk to without being judged.  But shes not my brother or my husband.

I’ve also never driven to the city its in without my husband. Being in a horrible accident a few years ago makes going to these big cities….scary.

Then we got to add the fact that I am going to be surrounded by people I dont know….tonight is a big test on how well I can handle my anxiety….

You see….I want to do things like this and I usually force myself to do it. This makes my 7th concert. And about 7 wwe events….going to 2 more this month as well. However… After forcing myself to do these type of things… I’m usually dead the next day. As in I don’t want to leave my house to socialize with anyone.

Now I’m not a bad parent and the idea that having a mental illness means youre a bad parent usually pisses me off. When I say I’m dead the next day it means that I am going to sit in my living room watching paw patrol playing tea party with my girls.

So….wish me luck tonight guys because I’m leaving for the show in about an hour….. (In thru the nose out thru the mouth….breathe breathe…)

#Lyrics #TalkingToMyself

Because music speaks the words that we are all too afraid to mutter. I decided that I would start looking at songs and why I relate to them. The first one…. Talking to myself by Linkin Park. I sure do miss Chester.

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Tell me what I’ve gotta do
There’s no getting through to you

I have someone in my family who has constantly gone thru this depressive state (Although some say he’s just striving for attention) where he cuts himself, gets overly drunk or does something….No matter what I do, what I say. I cannot get thru to him to stop. He has spent many nights in the hospital and even been committed.
The lights are on but nobody’s home (nobody’s home)

This line really gets to me. Like I try my hardest to convince him that there is a reason to live. His family. He has kids. He can change his life. But I feel like the minute I start talking he shuts down and stops listening.
You say I can’t understand
But you’re not giving me a chance

This part gets me because he acts like since I am okay on the outside that I haven’t dealt with my own demons. I do. I deal with them on a daily basis. I talked to a therapist at a Halloween party about certain things and he thinks that because of certain things that happened when I was younger that stemmed from this family member is why I have my demons… Could possibly be true. Like when I finally start to talk about what happened, being called a liar… Thanks. Honestly, thanks.
When you leave me, where do you go? (Where do you go?)

Again, I try to talk and he shuts me down.

All the walls that you keep building
All this time that I spent chasing
All the ways that I keep losing you

Am I ever going to get thru to him?

The truth is, you turn into someone else

When he gets in these moods where he doesn’t care, it’s like I am dealing with someone else. I know he is capable of love. I know he is capable of compassion, but sometimes when he’s like this it seems like he is someone else.
You keep running like the sky is falling
I can whisper, I can yell
But I know, yeah I know, yeah I know
I’m just talking to myself
Talking to myself
Talking to myself
But I know, yeah I know, yeah I know
I’m just talking to myself

It does seem like I am talking to myself. Honestly. Nothing I have ever said has gotten thru to him. He has watched many anxiety/panic attacks while he cuts himself or takes off or when he’s just being him. But does he stop. Does he care? Will he listen to me finally? I doubt it. I feel like I am talking to myself.

I admit I made mistakes

Nobody’s perfect
But yours might cost you everything

In his case, his life
Can’t you hear me calling you home?

All the walls that you keep building
All this time that I spent chasing
All the ways that I keep losing you

The truth is, you turn into someone else
You keep running like the sky is falling
I can whisper, I can yell
But I know, yeah I know, yeah I know
I’m just talking to myself
Talking to myself
Talking to myself
But I know, yeah I know, yeah I know
I’m just talking to myself

All the walls that you keep building
All this time that I spent chasing
All the ways that I keep losing you

The truth is, you turn into someone else
You keep running like the sky is falling
I can whisper, I can yell
But I know, yeah I know, yeah I know
I’m just talking to myself
Talking to myself
Talking to myself
But I know, yeah I know, yeah I know
I’m talking to myself